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Heidi

Heidi: Center

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I'm coming into this round a bit worn thin. I don't think that the conflict is going to slow its pace -- last challenge saw the Whirling Dervish of Conflict speed its pace and extend its scope. The only sane response to insanity is more sanity, and in my case that means do less and center more. Elements in bold are the core target, with elements in italics being stretch goals.

Love > Fear

Stillness > Chaos

 

Mind 

Writing (this is in bold because it's a focus point for the challenge, a point where when things get into conflict -- and they always do at some point, because that's life for you -- I can touch back to what is central) 

  • Tinker Mountain Writers Workshop. I'm taking a retreat to focus on writing my memoir. For real. Week 3  
  • Class -- I'm enrolled in an online class, The Hero's Journey, for Summer term. It begins the week of June 19, so it will only just get included in this challenge.I'm super excited, of course. Bonus is that the classwork is advertised to be mostly readings and watching a film each week, with papers and discussion related to that. I think I can handle this, despite the burnout that threatened to overwhelm me last term.

Body

  • Nightly sleep I need to take care of myself by making certain I'm getting enough rest. If I'm worn out and exhausted, I can't be a good student / parent / friend. I need to be in bed no later than 9 p.m. I am hoping the meditation routine will dovetail with this.
  • Nightly Floss Routine - this only takes seconds, so it's not as though it is really hard or anything. I have floss and coconut oil  for oil pulling next to the toothpaste now, so it's kind of inevitable.

 

Soul 

  • Daily mindfulness
  • Daily quiet time
  • Nightly Meditation and reading of Faith & Practice
  • Weekly meetings & Connections :
  • Women's Meeting Monday
  • Home Group Meeting Tuesday
  • Letters Wednesday
  • Therapy Thursday
  • Sponsor Meeting Friday
  • Home Group Meeting Saturday
  • Friends Meeting Sunday 
  • Radio Interview / Essay weekly
  • weekly budget meeting with my partner -- Sunday

 

Bonus:

Financial Planning with the attorney: Financial worry is soul-crushing. I recently read a report on the effects of poverty sapping nearly an entire standard deviation from a person's intelligence, and I can completely believe that. The mental peace that will come from financial clarity is huge. I have the documents ready to deliver on May 26, and then we will have a strategy meeting to schedule. Hopefully this will all be complete by the end of the challenge, or shortly thereafter.

 

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I'm taking life very gently these days. 

I feel as though I have no real footing, and while that is a bit unnerving, it's also strangely comforting to be dealing with reality, even an uncomfortable one.

There are moments of clarity, of serenity, of comfort, of calm.

 

I have no idea how long this uncertainty will last or what will come of it, and that's a whole new layer of uncertainty to deal with.

 

Last night's dinner of fish and rice was excellent, and the early nighttime routine was just what I needed.

I'm looking forward to Market day and meeting with the contractor to look over the house this early evening, and then chanting this evening with Friends.

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12 hours ago, CraftyHeathen said:

World of yes. I love your challenge! Here to cheer you on!

I'm worn out and not handling things well.

Thankfully, I have a half-day today, and Monday is a holiday here in the States. 

I have no idea what to do or even how to be, but that's ok too.

Getting comfortable with being uncomfortable is part of living in the present and being in the center.

 

Lots of love to you all this weekend, dear Nerds.

 

 

 

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This weekend was Very Difficult Indeed.

This morning I wanted to do nothing more than stay in bed, rest and read all day and then binge watch the new House Of Cards season.

I showered and made it to work.

There is court tomorrow morning and then another day of work after that.

Small steps matter. 

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Court was beyond weird. 

My mom talked to me as though we were a normal family. She wants to get together some Tuesday evening for dinner.

The boys' dad, who was in court because of 25k in back support, not only turned down my offer to work with him, but was belligerent and arrogant in the process. He is now in jail. The total time sentenced between what he owes me and what he owes my mom is 150 days, with 90 days suspended. I'm praying that he is able to keep his attitude in line long enough not to get in further difficulty.

 

Then the day at work was quiet, at long last. I had a mountain of work to do, and I was able to make a huge dent in it. I'm hoping that today will be equally productive and quiet.

 

Last night we signed the contract to sell the house. There was some grieving on my part, and I made an executive decision to go out for Italian. It was a great choice, and I'm glad we spent the evening talking.

 

Happy Thursday, Nerds.

 

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Ooof, that's quite a lot to deal with. I admire your attitude, even though I assume living the experience was rougher than what comes across through your writing.

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4 hours ago, DarK_RaideR said:

Ooof, that's quite a lot to deal with. I admire your attitude, even though I assume living the experience was rougher than what comes across through your writing.

Living the court day was more surreal than difficult, but living the narrative that got me to the court day was, indeed, quite the effort.

The drama at work seems to have calmed down, fortunately. Current Drama always knocks me off center for a bit until I remember that I have a center and that all is well with the universe. 

 

The house contract has been very difficult indeed, and we decided to hold off on listing it until later in the summer. July has two court dates, one for visitation with Vivian and one for support. I don't expect either to be smooth or filled with cooperation. Vivian's dad's efforts to keep me out of her life hurt, and that's all there is to it. I am beginning to be able to sit with the hurt and simply be hurt, without rending of cloth or gnashing of teeth. It's hard for me.

 

The drama is taking its toll at home as well, and there isn't enough Italian food in the land to undo the small wounds couples inflict on each other when they bicker. Fortunately, there are communication skills and caring gestures to help with healing.

 

Also, if you haven't seen Wonder Woman yet, you are missing out. The day after we saw it, my partner said it was weird that her decision-making process was so parallel to mine, and that her challenges were so similar too. [*cough* I ToldYouSo *cough*] I liked it so much that I might go see it in the theater -- again. Because when life turns to this

 

giphy.gif

 

we can respond with 

 

giphy.gif

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IMG_20170606_164339.jpg

 

At the farmer's market today, doing a demo on freshly milled flour.

Had a grand time, saw some people I hadn't seen in ages, and was completely delighted.

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Some days are just made for writing, listening to music and connecting with like-minded people.

Today is that day for me.

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On 5/25/2017 at 7:23 PM, CraftyHeathen said:

World of yes. I love your challenge! Here to cheer you on!

Welcome, @CraftyHeathen! Glad to have you along.

Tell me more about yourself!

 

Yesterday was very quiet, which was nice, and all was well until the later evening, when I bumped into some sore spots, emotionally. It was hard to stay centered, and I wrestled with the nasty emotions of despair and distrust for nearly an hour before I surrendered and just quit -- I shut up and went to bed and let the swirling mass inside me have its way without any help from me. These are low-level boss fights, invitations to freak out as much as I want to, to blow up my life even.

 

It's not always easy to say "No thank you" and move on. Despair makes a Time Lord of me, time-shifting to Back Then Places filled with danger, uncertainty, self-doubt and self-loathing. That was then.

 

This is now.

IAmHopeSandman.jpg

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Yesterday I feel as though I finally got my feet under myself, emotionally.

 

I know that warriors lift heavy things, and scouts go farther faster than anyone, and that rangers ranger in all times and in all places, but for all of it, every day, emotions are running our show. Our emotions are the horse that moves us and we are but merely riders -- mastering this relationship is a serious effort on my part.

 

I got to play with Vivian for the evening, and then dropped her off this morning for the beginning of Summer Break. It will be weird not to see her for two weeks. I assured her that I would still call each night to hear about her day, including tonight.

 

This upcoming weekend has been slated a Full-Press Self-Care Weekend, and I'm looking forward to that. There is also packing to do to be ready for the retreat, and the sauna is calling to me, and a second viewing of Wonder Woman is on the schedule as well.

 

I have a short work day, and papers to delivery to my attorney.

 

I will be at the Tinker Mountain Writers Workshop until Friday evening, and then in a seminar on Virginia's Judicial System on Saturday.

It's hard to think that I will possibly not be back on line until the 19th. Know that I love you all.

 

Love and peace,

Heidi

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3 hours ago, Heidi ☯ said:

 

I know that warriors lift heavy things, and scouts go farther faster than anyone, and that rangers ranger in all times and in all places, but for all of is, every day, emotions are running our show. Our emotions are the horse that moves us and we are but merely riders -- mastering this relationship is a serious effort on my part.

 

Mastering, coping, and learning to accept that the horse sometimes has it's own ideas.

Thanks for sharing Heidi.

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At this point in the challenge, it's time to regroup and take stock of where I am.

Mind 

Writing (this is in bold because it's a focus point for the challenge, a point where when things get into conflict -- and they always do at some point, because that's life for you -- I can touch back to what is central) 

  • Tinker Mountain Writers Workshop. I'm taking a retreat to focus on writing my memoir. For real. Week 3. I'm thinking of taking a vow of silence.  
  • Class -- I'm enrolled in an online class, The Hero's Journey, for Summer term. It begins the week of June 19, so it will only just get included in this challenge.I'm super excited, of course. Bonus is that the classwork is advertised to be mostly readings and watching a film each week, with papers and discussion related to that. I think I can handle this, despite the burnout that threatened to overwhelm me last term. I dropped the class. I need to be available for the ongoing legal battles, and that's a pretty serious graduate course in its own right. 
  • Mediation certification: I will be taking the Va Judicial System seminar on June 17, and then there is only the observations to complete with a mentor. Possible to wrap this up by the end of June, but definitely by the end of July, i'm thinking. It feels good to have progress on this.

Body

  • Nightly sleep I need to take care of myself by making certain I'm getting enough rest. If I'm worn out and exhausted, I can't be a good student / parent / friend. I need to be in bed no later than 9 p.m. I am hoping the meditation routine will dovetail with this.
  • Nightly Floss Routine - this only takes seconds, so it's not as though it is really hard or anything. I have floss and coconut oil  for oil pulling next to the toothpaste now, so it's kind of inevitable.

 

Soul 

  • Daily mindfulness
  • Daily quiet time
  • Nightly Meditation and reading of Faith & Practice
  • Weekly meetings & Connections I'm clearing the calendar for this month -- I need more self care and fewer items on the schedule 
  • Women's Meeting Monday
  • Home Group Meeting Tuesday
  • Letters Wednesday
  • Therapy Thursday
  • Sponsor Meeting Friday
  • Home Group Meeting Saturday
  • Friends Meeting Sunday 
  • Radio Interview / Essay weekly
  • weekly budget meeting with my partner -- Sunday

 

Bonus:

Financial Planning with the attorney: Financial worry is soul-crushing. I recently read a report on the effects of poverty sapping nearly an entire standard deviation from a person's intelligence, and I can completely believe that. The mental peace that will come from financial clarity is huge. I have the documents ready to deliver on May 26, and then we will have a strategy meeting to schedule. Hopefully this will all be complete by the end of the challenge, or shortly thereafter. The documents are delivered, with a few exceptions that are in the works for this afternoon and weekend to pick up. Huzzah.

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I'm resting on the twin bed in the dorm room I have for the week, the sound of thunder and rain coming in through the open window, the dim storm-dampened afternoon light soft and tender.

 

I am loving the workshop.

 

I will be reading my first piece tonight, a piece I feel a little comfort with for public consumption, and one that I want to grow into a larger work.

 

Tomorrow I will read a piece that is the opposite of all that - informed and untried, personal and intimate in equal measure. I'm nervous, and feeling less than legitimate.

 

Then tomorrow night I will read my piece about how we have to save Chuck Norris. 

 

Late this morning, it occurred to me that I want to try to get in to the Hollins MFA in writing. The worst they can say is No.

 

I hope you are having a beautiful day, and that some peace, simplicity and centering finds its way to you.

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Howdy, Druids.

I'm back, just in time for our final week.

 

I had a lovely time and some major revelations all last week at the workshop, then had a really nice time at the seminar on the legal system and met some lovely conflict resolution colleagues, and then had the rug yanked out from beneath me at home Saturday evening.

 

The soft light from the workshop continues to infuse my every cell, holding me quiet and still when I want to rage, blanketing my sharp, spiky barbs until they are soft words, spoken easily if not lightly, with compassion concerning difficult topics. Anger gets little purchase, and doesn't hang around long, in favor of the authenticity of hurt, broken trust, and doubt. These are uncomfortable companions, but honest ones, and sometimes that is what is really called for.

 

This is truly transformative for me, mind and soul, not only the wonderful week, but the uncomfortable re-entry as well. 

If I am willing to sit with the discomfort, to listen to my inner voice and suspend judgement, I might be able to hear the Spirit moving in the Light inside me.

 

For now, that is the Goal of Week 4.

 

How have you been, my loves?

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12 hours ago, Heidi ☯ said:

The soft light from the workshop continues to infuse my every cell, holding me quiet and still when I want to rage, blanketing my sharp, spiky barbs until they are soft words, spoken easily if not lightly, with compassion concerning difficult topics. Anger gets little purchase, and doesn't hang around long, in favor of the authenticity of hurt, broken trust, and doubt. These are uncomfortable companions, but honest ones, and sometimes that is what is really called for.

Just reading lines like these makes me a better person. You truly are Wonder Woman, this world doesn't deserve you ;)

 

I've been fine, thanks for asking. Halfway through a much needed change of jobs and excited to have a Spartan race announced in Sparta on November. I know what part 3 of my challenge will be about, running from early July to early November.

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