Solunaria Writes Her Thoughts

[Solunaria]

Hello world!

 

Last challenge, my quest log went back and forth between rambles of constructive processing and record keeping of my challenge's progress. This was important and helpful, since it made it a welcoming zone for me to share whatever was on my mind, as I made my way through the thicket of re-starting habit.

 

So while I am ALLOWING the sharing of progress here (even welcoming it!) and certainly ALLOWING the sharing of any thoughts or record that come to my finger tips over on my challenge board (and even welcome it!) I am giving both their own little pad, and the thoughts go here.

 

SO HERE'S WHERE I'M AT, with plans for Solunaria's Challenge 2.0 (coming soon to a forum near you!)

 

 

Ambition vs. Management

 

This is something I only recently came to the understanding of. 

 

I am a person who thrives within organization. Thus, in the past, I have seen great results when seeking to manage every element of my day... while then at other times, seeing the burn out this community holds such awareness of.

 

There is a difference between organizational management and ambition, I now realize! This is very powerful, because I was feeling kind of bad for being the way I was, and wanting everything to be dictated.

 

Making a food schedule and putting it where it can guide you and help you make decisions = organizational management

 

Making a food schedule with new foods you wouldn't have normally eaten = ambition

 

Making a day calendar of the things you're gonna do tomorrow and keeping it with you = organizational management

 

Making a day calendar full of new activities you don't normally do WITHOUT a day calendar = ambition

 

Making a plan for tomorrow = efficient organization

 

Making a log every day of what you did = ambitious self-awareness

 

...and ambition is GOOD! In little steps, in little moves so that your habits can change. But the desire and the psychological need that has now been instructed by doctors to have a set plan on paper for what you are going to attempt to do ANYWAY doesn't mean you're "over-managing your day". Similarly, making a schedule with lots of NEW things isn't the same as just "making a schedule". If it's a NEW schedule idea, then make THAT along with a "normal" or "habitual" schedule, and start building long-term towards the second; have the habitual one for tomorrow.

 

This was a very important thing to learn about me! And something that's really important towards moving forward.

 

 

The Challenge Brackets

 

I have a lot of ideas. That's great! But a couple of those ideas are REALLY important and healthy, and need room to be allowed growth away from all the other cool ideas that I run all the time!

 

So without a doubt, it's high time to bracket them off!

 

Here are some possibilities:

 

• The Three Worlds. Just have it be three totally separate worlds with different fun game organization, and no continuity whatsoever. To clarify this lack of continuity, the world jumps move on a time clock in the day that is notably off-beat from any of the other day-rhythms - going 8-2, 2-5, 5-11, aka the meal until the next meal / bedtime.
  • In this, the first world would be Faeryland, all about happiness and the magic of it (more later)...
  • The second would be Sims World...
  • And the third would be the Kingdom Hearts World.
     
• The Seasonal Year Day. Even though theoretically the hours would still match up to the months of the year, the seasons would be closer married to the "eight day phases" I developed in 2016. "Spring", though the "Equinox" is still gonna be 6am, would start at "Dawn", the 5am-8am phase, and continue through Morning, 8-11. Then Summer would be 11am-5pm, and Autumn 5pm-11pm.
  • This would be cool because it would coincide with the way I tend to feel in these times, and create a certain feeling of rhythm within the story and the flow of the day. It especially could set up a psychology leading to easier sleep and possibly and easier flexibility within the different parts of the day in different realms.
  • As a downside though, the elements of fun and games would become slurred, to a certain extent, in the feeling of connection. Even if I know that eventually my current play-around elements of happiness magic and the keyblade stuff is totally going to become one majestic thing, it still is positive and happiness to keep it absolutely separate while it's really explored.

 

• The Mixers. Pros: Best of both worlds. Cons: Complicated.
  • Version a: Each of the three (four) courts represents a different "world". They are NOTABLY separated. The games that were going to take place in each realm STILL take place in each realm and those court worlds are more defined by those games than that their season itself actually defines it - the season only acts as an aesthetic backdrop to the worlds and explorational creative systems they hold. When someday the different mechanics collide, it will be the WORLDS colliding, and I will get to have all sorts of fun with that.
  • Version b: Every 6-hour segment spends three hours in the realm of faerie, three hours in the realm of the random other worlds, the "gates".

 

More soon but this is really long.

 

 

[Solunaria]

Welcome back, everyone!

 

So while exploring the mixer idea in version a above... and then spending some time thinking about it... I really felt intrigued by it. There's a lot of... really important psychological processing and defined harmony it gives to the overall moving forward of my life right now, and I'm going to pursue it.

 

Most importantly, this was thinking about the last block of the day. I had decided that it was meant to represent progress, the one part of the day focused on moving forward. Then, when thinking about its overlap in the faerie courts, I realized that an important part of moving forward is... letting go.

 

Something that I absolutely, totally, and deeply want to practice and start accepting. Something that is going to be a significant step forward in this next month. Something that will help deeply with the movement towards going to sleep. And something that summons my father's faith of how destruction, in the cycle of life, also represent destruction of one's barriers, one's self-supression, one's fears, one's misheld and limiting beliefs... it makes a lot of sense, is deeply powerful, and something so evocative that I feel compelled to commit it to this next phase.

 

Next up: Aging, Time Passing, Chakra, Reiki, and Community

[Solunaria]

Well this has been passionate and interesting

 

I'm going to type quickly and clumsily, to remember a few key points for further exploration and repetition.

 

Spring = clear, autumn= clear, summer = passionate and interesting and powerful and only now gaining clarity after a lot of walking and passionately dropping spoken word improv poetry to the night sky

 

The summer drive is masquerading it's true desires as requests for a system of scoring (far too autumn) or a motivation or loot of some kind. Upon prodding and dancing, it was uncovered what it truly feels.

 

Loneliness.

 

If it is to be the reveal of me, me in my passionate inside is deeply desiring of attention, desiring of connection, desiring to speak and dance and sing and play and be listened to with present rapture. That is REAL DIFFERENT than recording music, all the editing and none of the live audience faces. That is real different from crafting a written piece and recieving feed back. THose things are the saltine crackers of the deep hunger, fruit for the deep thirst. I want to have an AUDIENCE. Not to acrue one slowly after hours and days and weeks of lonely singing to no one, an AUDIENCE.

 

The crafting - of a book, of a portfolio, of a line-up of songs, of a series of dance routines - these things are work. BEAUTIFUL work if you know you'll get the concert at the end, but still work. They need the ongoing fire of audiences to feed its soul.

 

There is totally something that people could do for me. They could convince someone to listen to me, or listen to me, for even five minutes, richly fifteen, INCREDIBLY a half hour. An hour long piece is something I'll put work into. Like, ten minutes, three songs of someone watching me, and I'll have a passion burning to create and do more. But I need to experience my art, my passion, my SELF being wanted to feel the true fire and not the bitter, cynical grit.

 

How to get it is interesting. WHEN I take time to think about that is ALSO interesting.

 

If I made the summer the center of my world, somewhere in the future when the worlds are collided, then the spring would be, not just the nurturing of my health, but also the nurturing of my art. It would involve learning. It would involve creating and imagining new materials.

 

And the fall would be about on-the-ground construction, actual routines, draw-ups of books, practicing of materials, and points gained on it. And, possibly, when the Real Concerts, as opposed to my afternoon sunlight of random audiences were my photosynthesis.

 

That feels SO harmonious, I'm wondering if there's a way to integrate a certain amount of that intent into the spring and autumn blocks without weaving them all too much. I mean, the evening block is really about feeling of accomplishment and progress and change, and certainly recording things from the other two would help them, but that's WEAVING. So how could this be different?

 

I think... by making them just optional toys left in the arena of the other two worlds. Do you know what's a thing to do in the mornings? WATCH dances! Listen to music! Gauge how much happiness, that's all that matters. Learn things randomly! How much happiness!

 

And in the evening... move forward. You do that with Aikido, of course, and you can move forward by meditation to the playlists. And there are the CHORES and ABSOLUTE CHECK INS that happen on time and first before any... electives.

 

But then there ARE electives. There's writing. There's putting together a book. There's a couple of projects, only X of which can be open at a time, and they're right over there. Maybe I'll even steal the Sims Aspirations for the autumn block's use (and only their use)... though work can ONLY be done on them in the evening, of course.

 

That's what I'm thinking. In which case, in the mornings, my community is the JCC, in the afternoons my community is In The Present, Wherever I Can Get a Real Life Audience, and in the evenings my community is online, with long distance friends, and Nerd Fitness. My day, according to my online progress bars and sense of "forward motion", starts no earlier than 5pm. 

 

That.... is a woah, on a few fronts... and is really, really going to work well.

[Solunaria]

We interrupt your regularly scheduled programming to bring you

Solunaria's Library of

Kingdom Hearts Pictures

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Solunaria]

On the Aikido thing:

 

"http://www.aikikai.com/faq.htm" says that "On average, people who train regularly (4 - 6 times per week) achieve black belt in 5 to 6 years."

 

That would be 1872 rounding up, 1430 average of that span. 

 

"http://www.ncaikikai.org/faq" says that "From the beginning of training through the first black belt requires a minimum of 800 hours of training. Practitioners typically train 12-15 hours a month."

 

I'm looking at this, because "get a black belt" feels a bit a. far of a milestone and b. a little out of my direct control. I'll get a black belt when I'm ready.

 

But I can set a goal of X days or hours at practice. And then I can set number milestones, like in the mordor walk.

 

30 = 30 --> 25

40 = 70 --> 35 = 60

50 = 120 --> 45 = 105

60 = 180 --> 55 = 160

70 = 250 --> 65 = 225

80 = 330 --> 75 = 300

200 ----------> = 500

 

So, this idea of 1000 hours, like as soon as I think about it, that's over three years, that's not a small number. It's a cool number! But not a small number. 

 

Here's one thing that might make it smaller:

 

The ebb and flow philosophy. This would mean me spending a BUNCH of time on this. Bunches. Or at least having the emphasis on it. 

 

...wait.

 

I'm making this complicated.

 

Shoo.

[Solunaria]

EVENING / FIRELIGHT

 

Before Aikido: Dinner

At Aikido: Aikido

After Aikido: Ebb and Flow through the evening To Do's with white board heartless fights and ebb blocks of healing (I should clarify this game)

When ready: Update online, review of electives.

[Solunaria]

So the SIMS. More on THAT.

 

The thing the sims represents, even more than managing people, and why there's an element of it totally still involved here.

 

Sims is what I do when I feel LONELY.

 

It makes me believe I have friends, and a family. It makes me feel like I'm WITH people, in a world I understand. I GET it, I know what to do, there's continuity and story, like the ones you make up with people, or that people tell you, or that you create by living with other people.

 

And yeah. I really gotta "let go" into the world, but that's the EVENING WORLD'S JOB not ours!! Muahaha.

 

Same thing with the new village game, you know? It's a world I can be a part of. It's just that in the lack of a compelling narrative, I start to look for a goal to achieve and begin to socially manage everyone. Because that actually usually works pretty well.

 

This is important, because while creating space for myself to be present and let myself out is real powerful, to put myself out there in that loneliness is going to be more fight sometimes than good. And I want to work with this compelling bastion of sims and village life and even games I've made up over the years on pen and paper to find another set of options for the summer world, without necessitating any of those aforementioned examples.

 

Also 'progression' in growth is real different here, so MAYBE I can have skill points and stuff be in here? Maybe depending what I do with it? It's not in the evening realm, THAT'S for sure. It feels like stats would eventually be an overlap, but, so would happiness and emotions, SO.

 

I have to find the GAME in it, is I guess what I'm saying. Like the passionate thing is really great as a core intention, but the morning has make believe, and the evening has arena and rpg land... what about the afternoon?

 

::goes on a walk to think about it::

[aishah hope]

I really love reading your musings - thank you so much for sharing. Being mindful of how our feelings influence what we spend our time on is really needed. I can relate a lot.

[Solunaria]

That's really heartening to hear. Thanks Aishah. :3

[Solunaria]

Whooooo texting on my iPhone zone PREPARE FOR TYPOS!

 

Soooooo the GAMES. We have the basics, now let's tweak some things.

 

Starting at the END because it's the most central NF relevant one, which is about progress and letting go. First off, that has to be central important rather than "getting stuff done" and I need a new mechanic in place of happiness to establish that, since I'm separating the mechanics.

 

Satisfaction is powerful, but this is supposed to be about letting go, not growth. That's interesting.

 

gain is in the coin thing. This is letting go. Huh.

 

...maybe I SHOULD start from spring. Because when I remember it's about hunting and wild dancing and, letting go, it resumes its power of what it can do and I'm not sure what to DO with it.

 

Sooooo starting in a spring-Y category.

 

Trying to gain happiness for the shrine. I can carry happiness and gain it from happiness while traveling and also can gain and give happiness from messenger quests....

 

okay gonna walk and talk

[Solunaria]

I've realized I'm very visually suggestible! Here is my visual for the Spring World!

 

(Challenge starts May 27th. And I want to take my meds! Note: it's actually summer world time right now, I technically slept through the main times in spring world.)

 

I realize this visual is also super EXTRA great because

• It reminds me why I'm doing this
• It inspires me to want to shower and get dressed because it's so beautiful and reminds me how wonderful getting dressed up is (though I don't feel that looking away from the pictures now that's so interesting)
• It's pink which is historically one of my 3 Solunaria colors and it just feels really serendipitous.

Oh my gosh it even covers the depression I feel in the morning and everything.

 

Thank you universe!

 

And dancing! She looks like a dancer! And support! Oh my gosh! 

 

 

(*sigh* will put in pictures sooooon)

 

[Solunaria]

Today I handle the significance of the CHAKRAS.

 

Clearly, I have already begun this journey, by my reading of the base chakra things... but I still have quite a ways to go.

 

And yeah, they're definitely going to play a big damn part in my healing INCLUDING this month. 

 

So where, for now, to put it?

 

Put it in the afternoon, the "open" block in terms of gamification? Nah, that's supposed to be all about passionate living, not a bunch of heavy going back.

 

So it's the back chakras you're mainly handling? Letting go of the past? That sounds like the evening. Whooo, putting all the Japanese words together! (Reiki joke.)

 

But it's ALSO about moving forward, so should it ALSO be the morning? After all, that's when I've been focusing on "I'm gonna do yoga and be part of the earth and work out and stuff" the most.

 

I guess I'd only want to do that if, eventually, I was planning on making the morning a straight through of them? But like, I don't know... 

 

Look, I guess my thoughts have been since the beginning that there's these three fun things that are these separate worlds, and then there's the heavy duty healing which seemingly inextricably was going to be chakra related. Everything is in line - I have the literal ideal mentor, in the literal ideal place especially for starting my root chakra healing and journey.

 

My parents are going to be super supportive, I just know it.

 

So then... then the obvious application is a separation and overlay... where one mixes in with the FUN! Play! of the morning which has BEAUTIFUL COLORS! And flowers and PRETEAR look at the pretty pretear! And alllllll about being as happy as possible! 

 

(And also activities opening your front chakra(s) and LOOK AT THE PRETTY! Just a spooooonfuuuuuuul of sugaaaaaar...)

 

As the INITIAL and most important element, a similar slip in happens in the evenings. With the back chakras. In fact, probably that happens in the spring too, just in a cultivatingly happy supportive way as opposed to really getting into the past and knowing that it's over now.

 

And the middle? Probably incorporating actual powerful fun parts of it? Or maybe that IS the center no no we covered this.

 

Oy. It's late. 

 

Look the point is that's clearly the main here. So. More on that soon. I've got another two days to figure it out. ::peace sign::

[Solunaria]

HOKAY DOKAY.

 

Avatar and Naruto are things.

 

Kingdom Hearts is Autumn. Pretear is Spring.

 

Avatar and Naruto are generally awesome.

 

Possibility: attach Avatar to the Spring (elements!) and Naruto to the evening (everything japan! also chakras!)

 

Another possibility: attach Avatar to the Summer (connected to the spring anyway, as a visual with the coin game combo'd in) and Naruto to the winter (even though I'm supposed to be sleeeeeeeeeping? I mean it is ninjas and ninjas are nighttime, right?)

 

Another possibility: Put Avatar and Naruto into the "Things To Explore Later" and/or "Things You Are Allowed To Watch" category of the evening / fall. It is combat after all.

 

But by THAT logic, one should throw pretear in too, and I LIKE THAT AESTHETIC IN THE MORNING TOO MUCH.

 

Another possibility: watching ANY of these shows / games is evening only or summer only or something, but the AESTHETIC gets given to the four seasonal worlds as cool background.

 

This is actually possible.

 

Major downside: Winter becomes too cool.

 

Important note though: Kingdom Hearts is a GAME, not an anime show. Sooooooooo... all I'm saying is, it IS japanese everything, and also samurai and ninja go together well, and, like, you know, it doesn't have a WORLD aesthetic that's ANIME exactly...

 

What I imply above is that Naruto could become part of Autumn world aesthetic. And then Kingdom hearts Aesthetic would become... what, a higher power? I mean I haven't even WATCHED Naruto, I don't know how I feel about it...

 

But it DOES have chakras. And... and the avatar being the summer... it comes from sunshine. And possibly putting sunshine into the world of summer. There's something uncountably powerful in that possibility. 

 

Gonna go talk more about that to myself.

[Solunaria]

Spring: Go Bond with All The Things, yay wealth of wonderful things you get as gifts from the world yay.

 

Summer: You are bored and want to use your super brain, look at pretty things, play (wrestle and stuff), and more than anything you want ATTENTION. Boooooored. And atteeeeeeeeention. You like to play games where you can look at pretty sims and then you can move them and you have their attention. Okay? Say "booored" and "atteeeeention". Okay now go figure out how to get that. 

 

Autumn: New Life and New Habits has to start some day. Hai-yah.

 

 

[Solunaria]

Found the following sitting in my text box:

 

Whooooo texting on my iPhone zone PREPARE FOR TYPOS!

 

Soooooo the GAMES. We have the basics, now let's tweak some things.

 

Starting at the END because it's the most central NF relevant one, which is about progress and letting go. First off, that has to be central important rather than "getting stuff done" and I need a new mechanic in place of happiness to establish that, since I'm separating the mechanics.

 

Satisfaction is powerful, but this is supposed to be about letting go, not growth. That's interesting.

 

gain is in the coin thing. This is letting go. Huh.

 

...maybe I SHOULD start from spring. Because when I remember it's about hunting and wild dancing and, letting go, it resumes its power of what it can do and I'm not sure what to DO with it.

 

Sooooo starting in a spring-Y category.

 

Trying to gain happiness for the shrine. I can carry happiness and gain it from happiness while traveling and also can gain and give happiness from messenger quests

[Solunaria]

I then found THIS in my OTHER text box:

 

"I've realized I'm very visually suggestible! Here is my visual for the Spring World!

 

(Challenge starts May 27th. And I want to take my meds! Note: it's actually summer world time right now, I technically slept through the main times in spring world.)

 

I realize this visual is also super EXTRA great because

• It reminds me why I'm doing this
• It inspires me to want to shower and get dressed because it's so beautiful and reminds me how wonderful getting dressed up is (though I don't feel that looking away from the pictures now that's so interesting)
• It's pink which is historically one of my 3 Solunaria colors and it just feels really serendipitous.

Oh my gosh it even covers the depression I feel in the morning and everything.

 

Thank you universe!

 

And dancing! She looks like a dancer! And support! Oh my gosh! "

 

[Solunaria]

Now for an ACTUAL log, the first one before my LOG log begins, dear gods. 

 

Appropriately, the opening quoe that met me on my browser was, "Make sure your worse enemy isn't between your two ears."

 

This could not be more appropriate. From depression, to borderline and realizing how deeply it disconnects me from listening to my inner compass, to the state of my disorganization in mental realm... 

 

Agents. Ninjas. Spies. Welcome to the realm of the eventide, where darkness falls and magic shimmers from the falling harbors of life. 

 

Vira is neither death nor shadows, and here in the realm of the eventide, the place of so many dark figures and darker nights, her shadows are regarded as neither. 

 

She is chaos, not freedom. She is prison, not order. She is both the thick chains of this realm, and the oppressive chaos. 

 

No one understands what Vira wants. Some say it is merely to go against anything that would be good. That she exists as the opposition, called into being by another power. Perhaps they are right. But here, we fight.

 

----

 

To others:

You are a young ninja, at the ninja academy. The way of the blade and of the warrior is strong. Your life hangs ever in the balance. But a new dusk falls, and the realm of the night is awakened. It is up to you, to master the ways of the ninja and bring honor to your village.

 

----

 

I am a secret. 

 

They smuggled me here. Today I woke up. They seem to care quite a bit.

 

We've learned many skills here, but all use the shadow arts. Shadow chains, cognitive channeling, these things are commonly used... but recently, the truth has arisen. Golems. They become her golems. She uses poison and starvation to keep the people weak, and hardens her army to make them strong. And many brave souls, who used to be something powerful, have now become trapped against the mountains wherein they guard something very precious indeed. 

 

Mental architecture, persona channeling, mastery of chakra techniques, physical strength and agility... all this and more has been the way of the ninja for quite some time. But this war that is about to begin will be something far more dangerous. All because of me.

 

I WILL BE THE MOST OBNOXIOUS SELF INSERT HEART TROPE AND NO ONE WILL STOP ME MUAHAHAHA

[Solunaria]

It must start someday, they said. So it shall be today.

 

Things will change. They murmured. The world will change.

 

As so it was meant to be, came the reply.

 

And a newborn's wail filled the snowy night. 

 

 

[Solunaria]

 

Listen with your heart, you will understand...

 

 

"You're not alone! I've got you now."

 

 

Oh boy. Here we go. It begins.

 

Spring

 

This game is about bonding to each of the elements, and counting happiness points. Earth happiness points grows a tree, Fire happiness points light a great fire, Wind happiness points blows a cloud over to the place that wants rain, and Water happiness points free a water fall. Happiness outside of the elemental class periods lights the stars, so that I can find my way.

 

Every activity gains 1, 2, or 3 points of happiness per song / five minutes of doing it, by my own judgement! Positive things gain 1, 2, or 3 points of happiness when they happen. When I gain 12 points of happiness, I will have gathered enough joy to raise it up to the sky and light a star.

 

 

Summer

 

This game is about passion, attention, and remembering who I am. In boredom, in song, in play, etc.

 

This game allows for me to exercise some control. This is a spin-off of a game I play on my iPad regularly.

 

 

 

Autumn

 

This game is about ending stuff and MAN is that relavent toDAY.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Solunaria]

Guardian - happiness, life, bonding, elements, beginning the new, 

 

Eventual Guardian training as: bonding with the elements / imaginary guardians, building relationship to get you to do your thing

 

Happiness (listening/navigation) mechanic: you'll see! Presence:

 

Base Chakra Thing: appreciating this beautiful life, plus groundwork of morning health and abundance 

 

Happiness leads to progression, on the path without a map, towards the destiny of where you're going  

 

Fairy Guide - 

and/or

Bond Partner - 

 

 

Mystic - management of people, reverence, merchant, 

 

Eventual mystic training as: chakra magic learning???????????? No. As the merchant mechanic getting you to do your thing.

 

Passion (reverence) mechanic: gets people to revere you

 

Base Chakra Thing: groundwork of doing what I do, speaking from my base of safety 

 

 

 

 

Once upon a time there was a village in the summer (as there is a village in the others, but this one will grow!)

 

It starts with a man and woman and pregnant child.

 

 

Warrior - ending the old, missions, squad, training and progression, fighting and combat,  chakra central

 

Eventual warrior training as: ninja missions???

 

Habit (combat) mechanic: arena and hp building 

 

Base Chakra Thing: letting go of the shadows of fear of the past, groundwork of doing what I do and my energy so

 

Red Guardian: Authority. Likes to make me lose. Immovable, unquestionable strength. Ferociously protective.

 

Guardian - 

and/or

Ninja Partner -

 

 

 

 

----------

 

MEANWHILE

 

BALANCE: The colors that emphasize a particular side of the are paired with the day of the OPPOSITE mindset, so as to promote balance, rather than over-extension in a see-saw pattern.

 

 

Warm Colors

Theme: Past, Chris Neiman's student, Spirit, Gentle, "Like a cloud..."

 

Sunday, Tuesday, Thursday

 

 

Cool Colors

Theme: Future, Bennett Neiman's student, Power, Courage, "Like a rock..."

 

Monday, Wednesday, Friday

 

 

Important philosophical statement: every day begins with the reminder that I am me, and only me.

 

 

Spring: 

Monks = Water

Assassins = Fire

Scouts = Air

Druids = Earth 

 

The least emphasis is on the Monks... they have their own damn SECTION.

 

 

Cool Summers:

Writing, Psychology, Cognitive Science - goal, create a self-guide that is both accessible, positively associated and generally associating, and harmonizes the structure of my world.

 

Specific red chapter deadline - none. Absolutely none. That's book is, like, a seven challenge project.

 

Also probably weaving in or secondarily pursuing transportational writing, the habit of writing , vocal recordings of a suggestive meditative nature, and a cog-Sci actors guide to internal organization. Making an index of characters and playing / writing them. Getting me sorted out in that way.

 

Both of them meet at the mutual desire for mind-palace creation and organization. But the will focus a BIT more on external and internal structuring, respectively. What I am and who I am, one could say.

 

 

 

SUMMER NOTE: Cool summers will probably often ORGANIZE/COLLECT things on commission of the warm summers, and cool summers will probably hold the money/orders and therefore be kinda the "source" of warm Summer's commissions. Interesting symbiotic loop, and ALSO a cool separation of me "I plan or I go, I organize instructions or I follow instructions" self awareness.

 

Also also, it means that ultimately warm summer doesn't have any reason ever to care about money at all. They'll just be using it to get materials from and pay for the services of their cool summer counterparts. It's a perfect alleviation.

 

Plus, then there's a possibility for the cool summer USING the money - while stressful for the warm side, that may be powerfully fun and motivating for the... OMG, THAT's it!

 

That's the social management aspect!! It's even SOCIAL AND MENTAL! The left side, the organization, oh my GOODNESS.

 

It allllll comes together.

[Solunaria]

Hey everyone! So my progress is starting with a lot of interesting developments.

 

It is day 2 of chapter 1. Yesterday, I awoke to the Faun, the Starbound, and the Starbound's wonderful mother, at the house where my girlfriend had been living the last few years.

 

I was crabby, and they were fine. I got cuddles and support. We went out to breakfast, I was totally myself, and awkward as hell, and they still both seemed to genuinely be unflustered by my behavior. I realized how much someone's old school Status, without the tiny of Nice or Mean, really could be summarized by how much their posture stated a mindset of "I belong here."

 

I went on a walk, and practiced that "I belong here" mindset like a status game. I was amazed how powerful it felt, how sincerely like stretching needed muscles... And also was met with a realization of how un-used those muscles were, and how hard to hold.

 

We went back the house, intending to just grab new clothes for the very important player in my life that we will nickname The Starbound, before she went to her big graduation ceremony. But just after arriving, and having an awkward but courageous mini-conversation with a character we shall call The Faun for the time being, I got a call.

 

This call was from my ex.

 

My ex, once more, had screwed up, and wanted help and direction. The side of me that was habit felt compelled; the side of me that still loved her felt they couldn't say no if they tried.

 

And I did note that the part of me that was, as I will later more explore as the "Cool Summer" desires and mindset, felt empowered by the knowledge that I was so good at this, at knowing the answers, at coaching.

 

The call lasted 45 minutes. And when I went back inside, I would have told you that I felt fine.

 

The Faun had waited for me, when 40 minutes prior The Starbound had left for her graduation set up. Had waited in the front hall. And the first thing he said when I went inside was to the intent of, "You've been in crisis management for 45 minutes, I think maybe you might want to take a few minutes to get back into the head space you were in before."

 

I was startled, taken aback, struck with the impact and perception of the statement. He had put words to the mode I had preserved myself in with no stop for years, the mode that had caused, in the end, a pretty serious disorder that revolves around post traumatic stress.

 

"Crisis management". That was it, exactly. And I hadn't even realized that I had shifted, that I was still holding it, until the moment he saw it. If not for the rest of day 1, I would remark on the extraordinary event of him seeing me so clearly when I am so exceedingly rarely understood. Of his precision of language to put to eloquence something of such deep importance. Of the inspiration and healing he did for me and my self-harming habits by pulling me off my path to destruction into one of revival.

 

But dear lord, he was only getting started on that for the day. So I suppose I'll continue that wonder when I've fully recounted the day.

 

He brought me upstairs. He created a space for me to look for what I needed. I remembered writing. I wrote. It got my thoughts out and down, and helped my head clear. And then he just held me, helping me feel safe.

 

I'll continue the adventure on from then after my flight. 

 

LOve and light.

[Solunaria]

"To reach your greatest potential, you'll have to fight your greatest fears."

 

Day 2

 

I got my room today. I'm home. I'm HOME.

 

Since eight! I sang and played the guitar, I performed all parts of Once on This Island until the end of "Rain", and there are new playlists on Spotify! It has CHANGED things! Very interesting.

 

So far I've listened to Change, Heartbeat Song, and All Over Again. My take so far: girly, optimistic, and passionate. All three of these are just ringing with passion, though. Like, super really. Maybe that's the theme? I'm SO curious. Gonna keep listening! Will keep you updated. 

 

It's the autumn. I took my ipad in the other room before eight, as to respect the space while I checked in on my games... but there was a better choice. And when this was realized, my new guardian dragged me over to where I was supposed to be. It was particularly easy to tap into, because I just was with the Faun this very morning.

 

Wow.

 

Back to the playlist! The next one was also girly, it's a vaguely sexual slurred mash up song that is known for it's appearance during early chapter five of Metamorphosis. Yes. Chapter Five. The song was perfect drunken sensuality. 

 

But that aside, since that playslist doesn't particularly matter, it could be repurposed... given that it does in fact feel like sensuality and it could be added to one of my new lists. Pretty good Fall song no matter what.

 

Next up was All I Need, DEFINITELY still following girly, this one is also pretty damn Autumn, and dripping with conviction and spiced with passion. Skipped after 1 min.

 

New one! "Something That We're Not". It's a song about "not wanting to be something they're not" and just wanting to hook up and someone who's obsessed with her. Meh. But still passionate and girly, aIm seeing the thing. It's catchy! Skipped after 2min.

 

"Overprotected". Passionate and girly again, I'm really liking that this is a genre! Seriously liking the playlist core, it's really on the money, I'm looking forward to seeing an interesting combo. 

 

I really like the concept of it being, I'm so fed up with people telling me to be, someone else but me. And it could be a really good song from one part of me, or just a character. It's very catchy. Dance songgggg OH.

 

Oh I just realized, with the next one, "Next to You" by Jordin Sparks. These are DANCE SONGS. That's the theme, that's why it's first, that's why they all feel "girly" and "passionate"... that's dance music. 

 

And this is a damn good dance song... I got up and danced! It was really good, even in this space. Ooooooh good.

 

Also I monkeyed ALL over my bed and it was super solid and didn't move the slightest wiggle. Like holding on and arcing way back and stretching my leg up kind of climbing all over. I LOVE my room.

 

Yeah. Yeah, the net one is "Chasing the Sun". This is dancing music. And then "It Girl" by Jason Derulo, sooooooooooo good. SO good. SO ogod, and that's gonna be followed by Open Your Eyes? Ooooooh so good. It's dance hall.

 

(Next playlist.)

 

Wait, this is IDEAL dance music too, and on one GLANCE I know this style. Untouchable, This is What You Came For, Temperature, Uncover, Do You Remember, Detonate, this is.... this is Autumn Dance, vaguely sensual, highly electronic background, oh my god they gave me two SEPARATE dance playlists that perfectly identifies my two styles... the, ooh, I just wanna feel the music, and the lyrical/narrative passionate performance-type music. Oh! And all the other songs! They were one person! I didn't realize! No bridges with a bunch of overlap, they're all SINGER SONGS.

 

And this... Who's That Chick? Words? Clarity? YES. 

 

Screw this I wanna go downstairs and dance.

 

 

[Solunaria]

(Oh right I have to fold my laundry. WELL then.)

 

Playlist #3 was musicals again. But a lot more ideal to my tastes. Good job Spotify!

 

Playlist #4 was the evening magical music! It looks VERY good.

 

...it sounds BETTER. It's also very "time to go to sleep" meditation or magic, and I still want to put away things oh GODS this is so relaxing, I'm listening to a Celtic Woman song I haven't heart called Lift The Wings and the pipe is incredible. 

 

Oh my god, mix #5 was just bringing up the intensity meter again from #2 a meter. They made me a perfect three set of dance music. YES. Okay sorry laundry going dancing a moment.

[Solunaria]

And then... SHE DANCED.

 

For like twenty minutes, and then sat on the couch drinking water, and it was cool. Ooooohoo hoo. Oh my god I just came back into my room. It is pure peace and goodness in here. Pure peace and goodness. I had forgotten.

 

This is MY room. I'm HOME. I'm so, SO happy. 

 

Time to sleep for the first time in my bed! I'm excited. :3

 

Sweet dreams.

[Solunaria]

So I came here, and spent like an HOUR making a schedule, and then totally forgot I even had one. And also found that the schedule itself, unsurprisingly, didn't give me what I needed from it.

 

If I decide a strong idea of what i want to do AFTER I already know the why, it is powerful and profound and clear.

 

But then I forget the why, and I'm over stimmed, and my needs are low, and I'm uncomfortable from the loud noises and the lack of momentum, and all I see is what seems like a difficult to-do list.

 

That's good to know! So I AM capable of responding like a normal human does to an airtight schedule. 

 

So then I feel a positive desire - to sit down and write in a check in, which I'm allowed to do before eating if I feel over stimmed and therefore want to get to the bottom of the cause and help myself get to a calm eating place. But I just think, "IPAD. IPAD MIGHT MEAN GAMES. GAMES BAD."

 

On the one hand, I know that games are ASSOCIATED with a series of habits designed for a different time... they have been hide-aways. But also I LIKE them, they get me into social management multitask mode, and they're a positive iPad association which could later be such a great place because WHEN I AM LOST I NEED TO LOOK TO MY SCHEDULE. That's what the iPad is all about - it's supposed to be my anchor of "wait what the hell am I doing and why". I'm talking about printing them, but.

 

One version of this could be... and it seems pointing to... that while the autumn under every possible angle is the destruction of those old habits (no matter what version, there are no games in the evening) that the Spring and Autumn are more flexible.

 

For instance, maybe in the mornings I can but always write why. But that STILL seems prohibitive, and prohibitive discipline does not work, especially in lack of another tool to use.

 

The strategy that stands out to me as the most clear (though seemingly affected by my currently wanting mind) is that I check in (post) at the beginning of social management game time, and GET POINTS for doing it. Get. Points. Get points. GET points. But, you know, the classic 1 per every five minutes. That's the baseline.

 

I'll just make passion work just like happiness. 1-3 how passionate do you feel about this thing. Clearly this is a one, though social management irl would be a two. And hey! If I'm listening to music, I get 1 per SONG, so maybe I should listen to music while playing!

 

The one thing is, it will just make time pass, not actively help. It's a tricky situation to think about, ESPECIALLY when I'm so mentally exhausted from re-putting together a schedule.

 

Speaking of, I'm going to go re-visit / edit that thing.