Q for Women: What Makes a Man Easy/Difficult to Get Along With?

[ETFnerd]

many men are less than fully self-aware (e.g....me)... i was wondering if the women here would share what you've found in your experience that makes a man easy or difficult to get along with...

thanks in advance...

[Rosie]

easy to get along with - likes a laugh, fun days out, gets me, nice, sense of humour

hard to get along with - too serious, doesnt get me, easily wound up.

[AKLulu]

I'll have to give this more thought, but here are a few things:

When a guy has to one-up everything you say, that makes him really hard to hang out with. I know we all need to share things from our lives to relate to each, but really? Does it have to be a competition always? I like being around guys that are easy-going, like to joke around (or at least laugh when I do), and have an idea of what they want to do instead of just waiting for me to come up with a plan. Guys that are up for an adventure, but don't HAVE to be moving every second (those ones just make me feel anxious). Oh, and guys that don't mind me belching once in a while. Sure I like to be treated like a princess once in a while, but that doesn't mean I like to act like one

[Bumblebee4]

Easy to get along with: Can argue without being mean. Can admit if he's done something wrong or hurt you in some way, can read his woman well enough to read when she needs a helping hand, helps you laugh at your mistakes, confident in himself so we don't question you.

Hard to get along with: Lots of sarcasm, passive aggressive, clueless to things around him even when it's put in his face, laughs at you when you make a mistake, so unsure of himself that you're never sure he means what he says or says what he means.

I'm sure there's much more but that's off the top of my head.

[Morrigainz]

Easy to get along with: listens and commiserates when you have a problem; does NOT automatically try to give advice...also someone who has a sense of humor and doesn't get "easily wound up", can have lively debate sometimes

Hard to get along with: arrogant, judgmental, doesn't care about your opinions or ONLY cares about your opinions, does not have a life of his own

[Leimanu]

easy to get along with: a penchant for spandex, especially in unusual colors; a huge go-to collection of easy-referenced YouTube and quirky pictures to add color to any conversation; takes headless pictures of himself...

So, you.

easy to get along with: I like when a guy has a sense of humor and can make fun of himself and take some loving jabs, has different interests, listens well, can clean up after himself and can do some chores, can let you play a video game with him and not instantly kill you or leave you behind or get frustrated with my lack of skillz, open to try new things, and a huge PLUS if he can cook though not necessary. These aren't just for boyfriends but guys in general. Oh, and any guy holding a baby/puppy/kitten, etc. that just says it all right there.

hard to get along with: AKLulu and Bumblebee, agreed. passive-agressive, one-upmanship, laughs at you, mr. know-it-all. my cousin's married to a know-it-all and it's a pain. I can't hold a conversation with him because he has to know someone or some extra fact or point out if my facts aren't right. Which is annoying especially when I KNOW I'm right. Extremely dirty and stinky. A little man smell is OK. But to just not take care of yourself is awful. Not open to things, trying to tell me what to do, not compromising at all.

[Arashi]

Not listening to the woman and not treating her like an equal are MAJOR turn-offs, things that really make it hard to live with the guy.

For example, if your girl is not into grand gestures of love, don't insist on being oh so romantic in front of everyone (and only in front of everyone) - makes it look like you want a audience, not that you want her to feel loved. And if she knows more about something than you do, how about being proud of her, instead of trying to one-up her all the time?

Like Bumblebee said, some men cannot admit when they've been jerks, and get incredibly defensive when a woman explains why they are being considered asses. They just dismiss her words entirely, sometimes engaging in gaslighting - the popular 'you're exaggerating, you're too sensitive, I'm just joking, you're being hormonal, you're crazy'. (this article has some interesting info on that) Nothing makes a woman hate you faster than dismissing every word she says as a product of PMS or hormones. The subtext is clear - you're stupid and incapable of using reason; I know better than you how you should feel.

Guys who can't argue without being mean - seconding this.

Guys who just agree with everything you say even when you're wrong are incredibly difficult too. It's a relationship, both people must participate; if I wanted somebody to just follow me around and drool at me, I'd get another dog.

[eco2pia]

I like confident guys who know what they want and go for it, and sometimes that means some of the jerky behaviors get tolerated, but I think passive-aggressive behavior is pretty universally hated, be a man and own up to your crap. ditto really bad hygiene. I want them to still be respectful of me too, by which I mean no put downs or outright meanness even as a "joke", and if we disagree on something they HAVE to be able to stay on topic and not turn it into a personal attack or become defensive. That is a critical skill, because I have lots of opinions, and I like people with opinions too, and they don't have to agree with me at all.

Oh and while I am at it, it is cool if they get the difference between how they can talk to me in private versus in public--our love life is definitely nobody's business but ours, and I do not like being outed in a group.

A generally happy attitude is super appreciated too, someone who is not grouchy, and complaining all the time. Whiners make me crazy.

[ebm1224]

alot of men have a hard time just listening to someone's problems...they have it built into them that they have to "fix" everything. it can be hard to do (there's an episode of modern family that explains this so well) but you have to know the difference between when your wife wants you to offer advice...and when she justs wants you to listen to her bitch.

[Elastigirl]

alot of men have a hard time just listening to someone's problems...they have it built into them that they have to "fix" everything. it can be hard to do (there's an episode of modern family that explains this so well) but you have to know the difference between when your wife wants you to offer advice...and when she justs wants you to listen to her bitch.

Ok, my husband is very easy to get along with and I love him tons, but we've been married 25 years and he's still working on this. Poor guy, he just so wants to step in and make it better. But is he learning to just sit and listen

[Red1263]

Would it be offensive to you lovely ladies, if we request that you tell us off the bat to let us know that you just want us to listen and not answer?

[morethanjustamom]

Would it be offensive to you lovely ladies, if we request that you tell us off the bat to let us know that you just want us to listen and not answer?

Married 15 years. Not offended by this at all. In fact, I often tell my Hubby at the outset, 'I just want to gripe. Will u listen?' or 'I need your opinion on this issue.'

[Arashi]

Would it be offensive to you lovely ladies, if we request that you tell us off the bat to let us know that you just want us to listen and not answer?

I try to. But how about that? Assume she just wants you to listen. Most of the time, it's that. We're not helpless beings who need you guys to solve all out problems. If we want help, we will ask.

In other words, when in doubt, listen to her rants first, then, in the end, if you're still in doubt, ask if there is something you could do. In the end, OK? Interrupting a person who just wants to get all that crap out of her chest is just plain rude!

[Red1263]

I try to. But how about that? Assume she just wants you to listen. Most of the time, it's that. We're not helpless beings who need you guys to solve all out problems. If we want help, we will ask.

In other words, when in doubt, listen to her rants first, then, in the end, if you're still in doubt, ask if there is something you could do. In the end, OK? Interrupting a person who just wants to get all that crap out of her chest is just plain rude!

From a guy's perspective, watching/listening to someone's rant and NOT doing anything is roughly the equivalent to passing by a running faucet, you just can't sit there and not do anything! It's instinctive!

[Arashi]

From a guy's perspective, watching/listening to someone's rant and NOT doing anything is roughly the equivalent to passing by a running faucet, you just can't sit there and not do anything! It's instinctive!

Dude, you're not a dog. You can overcome that. I mean, seriously, if a buddy is ranting about his moronic boss or something, most men will just share a beer and commiserate; I wonder why in the world girlfriends don't deserve the same consideration.

[Red1263]

Dude, you're not a dog.

You sure about that? Lol, all joking aside, yes, it's easy to overcome, but the instinctive part is still true, and if we're not aware of what to do, we're going to go with what we've always done, which was "Fix the problem."

[Arashi]

You sure about that? Lol, all joking aside, yes, it's easy to overcome, but the instinctive part is still true, and if we're not aware of what to do, we're going to go with what we've always done, which was "Fix the problem."

Well, now you know another option! I wish you luck in this new journey.

Seriously, in these occasions women are just after a friend, and sometimes men forget to be friends too, instead of just lovers (not only men, of course).

[Red1263]

Well, now you know another option! I wish you luck in this new journey.

Seriously, in these occasions women are just after a friend, and sometimes men forget to be friends too, instead of just lovers (not only men, of course).

Well I was always the guy who friends went to for problems, so in my mind it's helping out that shows signs of being a friend, to provide no feedback would seem rude to me, and unfriendly.

[Arashi]

Hugs and actually listening to what a woman says are considered feedback. Taking over the reins of a situation and making it all about you fixing it... not so much.

[Bumblebee4]

From a guy's perspective, watching/listening to someone's rant and NOT doing anything is roughly the equivalent to passing by a running faucet, you just can't sit there and not do anything! It's instinctive!

And just as it is against male instincts to listen without trying to help fix it, it is against female instincts to ask you to just listen because it is our instinct as a woman to just listen.

And I'm not sure guys just have a beer and commiserate. I think they say stuff like "screw that job you should go in there tomorrow and quit" or "forget that girl you were too good for her anyway." There, problem fixed let's drink another round. Guys fix things quickly with each other and that's part of why they don't understand when they offer us advice, we still want to talk about it. This is where we all have to think about the other person in the relationship because men and women ARE different. Women can learn to say "I just need to vent, can you listen?" And guys can learn to just listen and bite their lip when they want to fix it.

[Red1263]

Hugs and actually listening to what a woman says are considered feedback. Taking over the reins of a situation and making it all about you fixing it... not so much.

Heh, talk about some fineprint for you, lol jk! I don't recall taking over the reins of any one who came to me for help... So hopefully I hadn't...

[Rivanariko]

Honestly, I think this is so individualized to different women it's not really a fair question. The guys that I get along with fit the general description of people that I get along with, gender not-withstanding.

I will say that I think the unifying trait to make it easier to get along with women is flexibility, attentiveness, and foresight.

I enjoy going out for a beer with my guy friends and telling dirty jokes. I also enjoy watching chick flicks and eating ice cream. I don't think that I am outside the norm in this. Most women's moods change frequently, and what we are "in the mood for" changes with it. There are days that I want to go on an adventure, and other days where all I want is a fireplace, a book and a cat. Understanding that just because yesterday I was having a belching contest doesn't mean that I want to watch you light your farts on fire is pretty essential.

Most women like it when you notice things. I, for one, don't like having to come out and ASK for something, because it feels less special that way. Picking up on a subtleties and hints, and showing that you notice small things, will generally get you some major bonus points. Many of us like to feel like we've been paid attention to, and that you have remembered those little things. Foresight goes along the same lines. Planning things in advance shows that you've been thinking about it, which makes many of us feel a little warm and fuzzy inside.

For example, I am the cleaning person in my house. My husband doesn't notice that things need to be cleaned until they are a borderline health hazard most of the time. I like things to be neat, so I sweep and clean every morning. If I go out of town for a few days, obviously, the daily cleaning doesn't get done. But usually on the day I'm returning, I'll get a text from him saying something along the lines of "I'm trying to get the house clean again for you, I know you don't like to come back to it messy." Now, granted, his idea of "clean" is slightly different than mine... but the fact that he remembers how much the house being a disaster drives me crazy and has the forethought to try to remedy that makes my heart melt.

But really, it's going to vary from person to person. Just try to be nice. Learn to listen, show genuine interest in the things she's passionate about, and come up with ways to have a good time together.

[AKLulu]

Has anybody ever read The Five Love Languages? I know it sounds really cheesy, and it does have some religious overtones, but I read it last fall and it can be applicable to all sorts of relationships, romantic or not. It's a really interesting read and it gives good insight into different personalities/ what a person needs to feel loved. I've been considering posting about it for a while, but haven't really been able to find the ideal spot, so here. I'm posting it... even if it's not the right spot

[Bumblebee4]

The Five Love Languages is a GREAT book! I've thought about making it required reading for any guy I'm thinking of dating.

[ETFnerd]

it's striking to me that honesty, genuineness [in love and other regards], responsibility haven't really been brought up. maybe these are baselines that are assumed to be in place.

equally striking is that fairness really plays a large role, and feelings seem huge. as a man, i guess i was brought up with: "this is right, this is wrong, choose right all the time". feelings were something to be averted when making these decisions. often feelings seem irrelevant but they are not, and this is something i learned later in life, and was completely oblivious about in earlier life... i still struggle with this... i still think i tend toward callous but fair...

i recognize that i tend to be a fixer, and i am reminded of neville chamberlain of whom it was said that to stand by and do nothing in the face of wrongdoing is to enable it... i still think this is a central theme in my core of beliefs... so that's my justification for trying to fix things... some things take time to develop though... and patience is key...

thanks for sharing so far... it's really interesting reading about your thoughts....