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TophGal

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Hey there, thanks for dropping by!

 

This is my first challenge. I used to be pretty healthy but have been through a lot of intense crap in life for the last couple of years, and I've gone into deep depression/trauma/survival mode and developed some bad coping mechanisms and lost my good health habits. I'm still going through a lot of junk but am healing inside, and it's helping me be able to get out of survival mode and into life mode a little bit again. I have a long journey of healing still to go, but I've gotten really good at following the rules of failure, so now...

k06f02.jpg.109947df369ad8f6a5542e72e1a07ee3.jpg
 

EDITED 6/8 for clarity and working better with my actual goals:

 

I want to get in shape, in love with my body, strong, happy, and developing my talents again. I want to rediscover life, beauty, and passion. I want to be able to fit into my old clothes again, to feel beautiful and interesting and valid and wonderful. I've had a LOT of kicks of trying to get healthy again throughout the crazy life experiences of the last couple years, and while I used to be able to do stuff like Whole30, I can't do it right now. I've tried that and similar things and I just can't. So I'm taking smaller steps. This first challenge for me is not necessarily about weight loss, achieving a certain number of squats, etc- it's about getting back to basics and establishing healthy habits of daily exercise and eating actual food. That's where I'm at right now, and this is phase 1! I hope to be able to refine my goals and work them enough to drop a size by the end of summer. I still yo-yo a lot on my trauma moments/hours/days, and I'm finding that just because I have one good day doesn't mean I won't have a really bad couple of days. But I'm coming from a place of 6-7/7 bad days each week. So I'm trying to set good goals but be gentle with myself, trusting the process rather than aiming for a certain outward result. Consistently following good goals is the most important thing for this challenge, and I'll be able to refine them as needed for the next challenge. SO-

 

GOALS:

-Do 2-3 circuits of the Basic Bodyweight routine 3x/week: 13 points total. (And 1 Bonus point every day I do 20-30 minutes of HIIT. No penalty when I don't but they can't replace lost points from other categories. They're purely bonus.)  UPDATE WEEK 1: I'm not sure the bodyweight routine is really doing it for me, so I'll include it as an option, but just go for 3x/week of some kind of strength training for now, probably generally included as part of a HIIT routine. I want to listen to my body and give it the kind of exercise it needs for now, whether more or less intense on any given day.

-Walk/hike outside every day I can, weather permitting; if for some reason walking isn't possible, put on a few songs and just dance! 30 points total. 

-No more than 3 desserts/week (not counting fruit and/or paleo ice cream/smoothies which I sometimes have for breakfast or lunch). 3 or less desserts/week: 7 points/week+ 2 points for this Friday and Saturday. 4 or less desserts per week: 4 points/week. 5+desserts /week: no points.

 

Total possible points: 73 (+ HIIT bonus

67-73 points= A+! Reward: Defeat the Firelord, become the new Firelord. Actually get back the $200 I gave a friend. I complete the challenge in this range, I get all the money back. Otherwise:

60-66 points= B= $100 for me, $100 to a friend.

anything less: F= $0, and lose $200 to a friend.

 

CURRENT POINTS: 21+5

Friday-Saturday (pre-challenge): 1 bodyweight, 2 walking, 2 food points+ 2 bonus hiit points= 5+2

WEEK 1: 3 bodyweight, 6 walking, 7 food + 3 hiit points= 16+ 3

WEEK 2: 3 bodyweight, 7 walking, 7 food= 17 (didn't tally the bonus points because I guess they don't really matter)

WEEK 3: 3 bodyweight, 7 walking, 4 food= 14

WEEK 4: Pending

 

 

  • Like 4

"It matters not how strait the gate; how charged with punishments the scroll.

I am the master of my fate; I am the Captain of my Soul."

"Invictus"- William Ernest Henley

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Looking good! Welcome to the party. Sorry to hear there's some rough stuff going on. :(

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Level 69 Battle Kitten

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C'est dit, c'est ainsi

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Nice goals! You got this, Beifong. ;)

 

On 5/25/2017 at 0:01 PM, TophGal said:

my aim is to overcome and not be overcome. Pretty tired of following the rules of failure, so... 

 

I love your mindset. Refer back to your original post if you ever feel down about your challenge in the next 30 days; you might be surprised at how much you can inspire yourself. 

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6 hours ago, fleaball said:

Looking good! Welcome to the party. Sorry to hear there's some rough stuff going on. :(

Thank you! There's some really hard stuff, but on my good days I like to believe that I'm getting stronger for it. Thank you. :)

6 hours ago, Wobbegong said:

Nice goals! You got this, Beifong. ;)

 

I love your mindset. Refer back to your original post if you ever feel down about your challenge in the next 30 days; you might be surprised at how much you can inspire yourself. 

Thanks-- good advice! I'll have to refer back because it's so easy to be all gung ho for the first few days and then fizzle out... which I'm REALLY good at doing. But Beifong doesn't fizzle out when things get tough; she just gets tougher. Beifong freaking squats deeper, hits harder, and beats the Fire Nation. 

  • Like 2

"It matters not how strait the gate; how charged with punishments the scroll.

I am the master of my fate; I am the Captain of my Soul."

"Invictus"- William Ernest Henley

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On 5/25/2017 at 6:58 PM, TophGal said:

Thank you! There's some really hard stuff, but on my good days I like to believe that I'm getting stronger for it. Thank you. :)

Thanks-- good advice! I'll have to refer back because it's so easy to be all gung ho for the first few days and then fizzle out... which I'm REALLY good at doing. But Beifong doesn't fizzle out when things get tough; she just gets tougher. Beifong freaking squats deeper, hits harder, and beats the Fire Nation. 

 

That's absolutely right! Keep your eye on the prize and you, too, can overcome the Fire Nation! 

 

A lot of people (ME) have trouble sticking with things past that 3-ish-day motivational bump. There's a great NF blog post about it here: https://www.nerdfitness.com/blog/motivation-youre-doing-it-wrong/ But I usually find that if I can refer back to a time when *I* was motivated, and see that I made a commitment, that will be enough for me to force myself to keep going, even if I don't want to. 

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23 hours ago, WhiteGhost said:

Following!  Will change to stalking if you fizzle... 

 

 

I'm both overjoyed and freaked out! But for serious I could use it. :D

9 hours ago, Wobbegong said:

 

That's absolutely right! Keep your eye on the prize and you, too, can overcome the Fire Nation! 

 

A lot of people (ME) have trouble sticking with things past that 3-ish-day motivational bump. There's a great NF blog post about it here: https://www.nerdfitness.com/blog/motivation-youre-doing-it-wrong/ But I usually find that if I can refer back to a time when *I* was motivated, and see that I made a commitment, that will be enough for me to force myself to keep going, even if I don't want to. 

 

 

Did not realize this was a gif at first. Then I freaked out. 

Definitely me too. And awesome article to link to! I've been thinking about how to motivate myself because it's day 1 and I've already been thinking that I deserve snacks. YUP, motivation already fizzling. That made me realize I need to make some solid choices or I'm just going to die. SO today I bought a crapton of delicious produce, and I know how to use it! Having healthy food IN MY HOUSE is key to success, so I'm feeling good about that. Then I gave a friend the $200 that I hope to win during this challenge... and told her that she gets to keep as much as I don't earn. SO THAT HAPPENED. So I'm actually a little freaked out and more highly motivated than before. I know my goals aren't crazy intense, but these are some big steps for me, right now, especially the consistency. That also means I might come back here a LOT for moral support at the times when dangit I just want a cookie and I need to be reminded that I really don't want it THAT much. I'm pretty low but I know I can achieve my goals, with some good pushing! 

 

Food accountability: My meals weren't too healthy, but they were meals. I had plain cheerios for breakfast, plain old carnitas for lunch and some cheese, and a sandwich for dinner. I ran out of veggies and wasn't able to go to the store until later today, so I'll be more careful in the future. Even though it's not technically an aspect of this challenge, it is something I'm working to improve. I did 3 circuits of the Bodyweight routine and half an hour of cardio and a little walking. Full points today and I feel really good about the exercise and disappointed but ready to improve on the food. I want to work hard, play hard, and fuel my body to support me in these things.

 

Here's a quick "Day 1" blurb I'm going to post about where I'm at right now, also for comparison when the challenge ends:

 

Just want to write about me and how I feel right now. I can hardly fit into any of my pants and I don't think I can get any bigger and still fit! I really, really don't want to buy bigger pants! I feel really uncomfortable and self-conscious of my body right now. My face looks fat and I have a couple of little breakouts that are lingering due to poor nutrition. My iron levels are really low and who knows what else is wrong inside! I know I'm not living up to my potential and I feel just really unhappy with how I feel and how I look. Most of all, the extra weight on my body and the lack of muscle is literal physical baggage from all the garbage I've been through the past couple of years. My health eventually took a backseat to the other stresses of life, and I used emotional eating as a coping mechanism. To me the extra weight is a physical sign of my battle scars. It helped me to survive, but that's not me, and I don't need it anymore. It's time to reject everything that isn't working for me anymore and find a better way. Whatever life throws at me, I never want to sink this low again. As of posting this today, I never want to be so big again. I want to get out of this emotional and physical place and never regress to this degree. I owe it to myself to love myself, and even though it might be hard, I know that staying where I am will be much, much harder. Once I fell apart and did what I needed to survive because I loved myself. Now, I love myself enough to do what I need to live.

  • Like 3

"It matters not how strait the gate; how charged with punishments the scroll.

I am the master of my fate; I am the Captain of my Soul."

"Invictus"- William Ernest Henley

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1 hour ago, TophGal said:

Just want to write about me and how I feel right now. 

Write away :)  Consider us your unlicensed and unqualified therapists.  You can lay out your concerns and issues and we will smile and nod while we doodle on scratch paper behind a clipboard

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HUNTER OF ALL THINGS SHINY

Intro Thread   Challenge Log   Bodyweight Exercise Library   Recipe Book   Shuffle Club 

 

Level 2 Ninja

Strength: 13 Intelligence: 14 Wisdom: 6 Dexterity:14 Constitution: 12 Charisma: 11

 

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3 hours ago, TophGal said:

That also means I might come back here a LOT for moral support at the times when dangit I just want a cookie and I need to be reminded that I really don't want it THAT much. I'm pretty low but I know I can achieve my goals, with some good pushing! 

 

1 hour ago, WhiteGhost said:

Write away :)  Consider us your unlicensed and unqualified therapists.  You can lay out your concerns and issues and we will smile and nod while we doodle on scratch paper behind a clipboard

 

As WhiteGhost says, we're unlicensed and unqualified therapists but also VERY good cheerleaders. Tap us anytime! 

 

There's this ridiculous British reality TV show I watch and actually really love called Supersize vs Superskinny. (I like it because they treat everyone very respectfully and put a lot of emphasis on how dangerous it is to be underweight, but it is of course still reality tv, so I can't sing its praises too much. I do usually feel inspired to fix my life after watching it, though, so that's nice.)

 

In one of the seasons there's a sub-plot going on where a group of habitual overeaters try out a variety of unusual exercise routines (military marching, trimming hedges, etc) and they talk about how many calories they burn doing that exercise for a given period of time. Then at the end, they're all offered the problem food of one of the participants (crisps, ice cream, cake, etc) that has about the same amount of calories as they theoretically just burned, and asked if they want to take the food reward or couch their deficit. Anyway, the point is I think it helps a lot to think of the snacks you're eating in terms of how much effort it would take to burn them off. 

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13 hours ago, TophGal said:

Just want to write about me and how I feel right now.

Thanks for sharing! What you're saying resonates a lot with me too. We will totally be here to cheer you on!

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Level 69 Battle Kitten

Battle Log | Current Challenge

MyFitnessPal | Fitbit | Duolingo

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Je suis partie pour reconstruire ma vie

C'est dit, c'est ainsi

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22 hours ago, WhiteGhost said:

Write away :)  Consider us your unlicensed and unqualified therapists.  You can lay out your concerns and issues and we will smile and nod while we doodle on scratch paper behind a clipboard

Awesome! That may or may not be what my licensed therapist does too. :D

20 hours ago, Wobbegong said:

 

 

As WhiteGhost says, we're unlicensed and unqualified therapists but also VERY good cheerleaders. Tap us anytime! 

 

There's this ridiculous British reality TV show I watch and actually really love called Supersize vs Superskinny. (I like it because they treat everyone very respectfully and put a lot of emphasis on how dangerous it is to be underweight, but it is of course still reality tv, so I can't sing its praises too much. I do usually feel inspired to fix my life after watching it, though, so that's nice.)

 

In one of the seasons there's a sub-plot going on where a group of habitual overeaters try out a variety of unusual exercise routines (military marching, trimming hedges, etc) and they talk about how many calories they burn doing that exercise for a given period of time. Then at the end, they're all offered the problem food of one of the participants (crisps, ice cream, cake, etc) that has about the same amount of calories as they theoretically just burned, and asked if they want to take the food reward or couch their deficit. Anyway, the point is I think it helps a lot to think of the snacks you're eating in terms of how much effort it would take to burn them off. 

I hope eventually I'll get back to thinking that way! Right now I think my fitness goals are about as much as I can manage. In time I hope to work up to much more healthful practices. Anything that gets the inspiration juice going is good though! As far as reality TV goes, I think Ninja Warrior is awesome... nothing makes me want to be strong like seeing what superheroes can do. *_*

10 hours ago, fleaball said:

Thanks for sharing! What you're saying resonates a lot with me too. We will totally be here to cheer you on!

Thank you!! I'm trying to come out of a really dark place and honestly can use the help!!

 

Today's checkin: 

Breakfast: eggs+peppers, carrots, and a little cheese, blueberries

Lunch: stir fried pork carnitas with purple and green cabbage, carrots, and onions (not sure what to call it, but I stir fry just about everything. I'll post pics next time. It's basically a veggie bowl with some meat and lots of lime juice.)

Dinner: turkey bacon, watermelon, and a few crackers with cheese.

30 minutes cardio+ roughly 2 hour hike today with some great hills. Tired but I stuck with my goals. Total points for the week: 1 bodyweight, 2 walking points, 2 food points= 5

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"It matters not how strait the gate; how charged with punishments the scroll.

I am the master of my fate; I am the Captain of my Soul."

"Invictus"- William Ernest Henley

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Checkin today: Rest day. Walked for about 1 hour or so= 1 point. 

Missed breakfast because my body apparently needed 10 hours of sleep, which is fine with me for today! On average I get like 5-6 hours, so that was super nice. 

Lunch and dinner were both my pulled pork salad and watermelon, plus I had two cookies, my first dessert for the week.

Here's a photo of what I've been eating most of the week. For the last couple weeks I've been batch cooking and pretty much eating the same thing every day for 1-2 meals per day. I still have about a day's worth of this stuff left, and then I'll move on to something else.

I lost the exact recipe I used for this, but this one looks pretty close, if you add a good bunch of lime juice. After cooking the pork, I stir fry up a bunch of 2 kinds of cabbage, carrots, and any other veggies I think would be good with the pork, and squeeze more lime juice and a little more of the seasoning on top. It's very zesty and I feel good about a meal that has such a large portion of veggies! 

carnitassalad.jpg

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"It matters not how strait the gate; how charged with punishments the scroll.

I am the master of my fate; I am the Captain of my Soul."

"Invictus"- William Ernest Henley

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Thank you!

 

Belatedly posting yesterday's checkin: breakfast: blueberries & a protein bar, one of the way less sugar ones so yay for that. Lunch: carnitas salad; dinner; turkey, cheese, watermelon. Walked for about an hour= 1 point; and did that 2 hour hike again, running probably 1/2 or 1/3 of the way this time and did it in an hour. Felt so good! :D

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"It matters not how strait the gate; how charged with punishments the scroll.

I am the master of my fate; I am the Captain of my Soul."

"Invictus"- William Ernest Henley

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Thank you so much!!! It has felt really good, but today was a real struggle. Going through a lot of intense stuff in life right now and I have frequent times when emotionally I just feel totally laid out, can't think straight, want to give up. Ugh. I need to recommit again already. I literally had cookies for breakfast, so that was dessert 2/3 for the week... I'm gonna have to be mighty careful now!! But lunch and dinner were both turkey+cheese and blueberries and watermelon. NO VEGGIES today, argh!! Technically I'm still within my goal limits, but I really need to recommit and get my head back on straight, because I can do better than this. I also felt exhausted physically and didn't want to exercise, but remembered I'd have to check in. :D So I got 2 circuits of the Bodyweight routine this evening and also danced to songs for like 15 minutes. (That was my warmup.) It was not an amazing day by any means. I didn't do anything horrendously off track, and I'm glad that by the end of the day I DID workout and get myself together, but I really need to keep doing better. I have to work harder to minimize the effects of the emotional aspect so that I can keep my life functioning properly. I guess the bright side is, my body has been feeling generally sore in an awesome, "hurts so good" kind of way. Kinda nervous about the rest of the week now; I'm going to have to be really diligent and aware of my thoughts and feelings to keep myself within my goals. 

  • Like 2

"It matters not how strait the gate; how charged with punishments the scroll.

I am the master of my fate; I am the Captain of my Soul."

"Invictus"- William Ernest Henley

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1 hour ago, TophGal said:

I have frequent times when emotionally I just feel totally laid out, can't think straight, want to give up

 

You were correct to put "want to give up" after "can't think straight".  You don't want to give up and you know it. That's why you're here.  Don't forget that whenever you feel like you want to give up, it is your brain lying to you.  Your brain is a lying liar and should't be trusted.  

 

Ignore it and keep on keepin' on!

 

 

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HUNTER OF ALL THINGS SHINY

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Level 2 Ninja

Strength: 13 Intelligence: 14 Wisdom: 6 Dexterity:14 Constitution: 12 Charisma: 11

 

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On 5/30/2017 at 10:03 PM, WhiteGhost said:

 

You were correct to put "want to give up" after "can't think straight".  You don't want to give up and you know it. That's why you're here.  Don't forget that whenever you feel like you want to give up, it is your brain lying to you.  Your brain is a lying liar and should't be trusted.  

 

Ignore it and keep on keepin' on!

 

 

Yeah, it's a booger sometimes! Still working through that intense emotional stuff and it gets rough sometimes! Thanks!

 

Back on track today. Did some jogging/walking/sprinting around the neighborhood this morning and it felt good. Walked only a little today; kids are sick again so we did't get out much. Steel cut oats for breakfast and the last of my pork and veggies stuff for lunch and dinner. Body is tired. 

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"It matters not how strait the gate; how charged with punishments the scroll.

I am the master of my fate; I am the Captain of my Soul."

"Invictus"- William Ernest Henley

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Fallen behind! Life has been a crazy blur lately. Here's the important stuff:

Did bodyweight yesterday. Also had my third dessert, crepes. Today I ran this morning and did a HIIT routine in the evening. 

I'm not sure the bodyweight thing is doing it for me. I tend to incorporate a lot of that into exercise videos, which, combined with outdoor activity, seems to be what's getting me going, so I might make some changes to my challenge in that regard.

 

Crazy couple days, just trying to get life a little more under control or else to get better at rolling with the crazy.

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"It matters not how strait the gate; how charged with punishments the scroll.

I am the master of my fate; I am the Captain of my Soul."

"Invictus"- William Ernest Henley

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4 hours ago, TophGal said:

Crazy couple days, just trying to get life a little more under control or else to get better at rolling with the crazy.

 

Getting life under control is hard even in the best of circumstances.  Getting comfortable with the crazy is probably a more sustainable approach for the long term :) 

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HUNTER OF ALL THINGS SHINY

Intro Thread   Challenge Log   Bodyweight Exercise Library   Recipe Book   Shuffle Club 

 

Level 2 Ninja

Strength: 13 Intelligence: 14 Wisdom: 6 Dexterity:14 Constitution: 12 Charisma: 11

 

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4 hours ago, WhiteGhost said:

 

Getting life under control is hard even in the best of circumstances.  Getting comfortable with the crazy is probably a more sustainable approach for the long term :) 

Yes, this is definitely what I'm trying to do more. Eventually I want to get better at rolling with it. Let the crazy roll off like water off a duck's back! Hmm, probably need to include more yoga and meditation into my next challenge. :)

 

Today is hike day, pretty excited about that!!

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"It matters not how strait the gate; how charged with punishments the scroll.

I am the master of my fate; I am the Captain of my Soul."

"Invictus"- William Ernest Henley

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Quick update for yesterday: stuck with my goals and went on a 4 hour solo hike. Bears didn't eat me. It was plenty steep and I pushed hard. I was really sore by the end of the day. Not really that sore today, which is awesome and I guess means that my daily exercise work has been building strength, but I am super tired! I didn't get the full bodyweight training in yesterday, but I did do some pushups. I was doing plenty of lunge-y, squat-y, intense leg and core work yesterday on the mountain, so I'm gonna let it count! 

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"It matters not how strait the gate; how charged with punishments the scroll.

I am the master of my fate; I am the Captain of my Soul."

"Invictus"- William Ernest Henley

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@Sloth the Enduring, it was lovely!! I don't know if I'm the only one in this, but being out alone on a hike is one of the most physically and spiritually centering things for me. Regardless of anything else in life, the world is still such a beautiful place!

 

Checkin for today: SO TIRED. Met my food goals. I've been making chicken and veggie kebabs the last couple days now and probably will eat them+ salad for most of the week, because that's what I have. Rest day, so I walked for about 40 minutes. I'll count up my points for last week but I think I'm right on target. Woohoo!

 

Week 1 thoughts contained below.

 

I feel amazing today, but it was a HARD week. There was so much emotional stuff to get through and I think that if I didn't have accountability set up, I would have quit my goals. It was really hard not to just let myself completely sink sometimes, although I did still go down. I'm really glad I have some built in grace in my goals, because I need it right now! Something I noticed was that I wanted sweets less, but my brain feels wired to have them anyway. When I was feeling really down, I wanted to eat a cookie just because brain says "cookie makes it better," even though I didn't WANT a cookie and knew it wouldn't help. I'm glad I'm becoming more aware, and trying to find other things to help replace that particular stimulus/response. I meditate, I journal, I rant about it to friends, I go for walks, etc, and still end up feeling like my soothing rituals are not complete without a treat. So it's going to be continued practice in retraining my brain to be comfortable with different responses. That will take time, but I'm honestly kind of excited that I'm more aware of what I actually need and want. And on the other hand, I'm starting to be more excited about the veggies and chicken and fresh fruit in my fridge! I'm starting to feel a little more like myself again in that way. (I always used to LOVE healthy food so much, but have been through a lot of trauma and crazy things for a long time and completely lost my zest for life. I'm relieved to discover that I'm still in there somewhere!! )This week I'm going to focus a little more on awareness of my feelings and what I do to cope.



 

I'm feeling kind of excited and hopeful too because I decided to run to Ross for a new summer dress yesterday and I found one that is really cute and flattering. Even though I'm not at my ideal size or shape, I feel like a million bucks in it! I've been down on myself for a long time because I can't fit/don't look good in most of my wardrobe anymore, but it's nice to realize I can still look good, and this dress is the same technical size as some of my others, just a more polite cut for my tummy. :D Also, excitingly, I'm finding I really WANT to be active more and I'm looking forward to the times I get to instead of dreading them, and it's helping me feel so much more connected with myself again. Looking forward to the coming week. I'm a little under the weather today and hoping it won't turn into a full blown sickness- if so, I'll just have to recalculate again. 

 

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"It matters not how strait the gate; how charged with punishments the scroll.

I am the master of my fate; I am the Captain of my Soul."

"Invictus"- William Ernest Henley

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Yesterday wasn't that great. I stuck with my goals technically but I ate garbage. Someone brought pizza and I just got lazy and had some instead of the good stuff I had in the fridge. :/ It's still kind of a big accomplishment for me to be eating meals and stuff instead of just grazing all the time, but I'm feeling the need to step up my food goals a little. Not officially for now, but I do think I'm going to start tracking calories and just trying to be more mindful and less stimulus->response. Some days it's easy and other days it's a real challenge. 

 

I did go on a short hike yesterday, that 1 hour hike. I did it in a little less than an hour, even though I was tired. (Totally got super sore from that hike on Saturday, after all.) I do feel like I'm getting a little stronger. It was really hard to make myself hike because I was tired and felt sick-ish, but I did it and then took it kind of easy the rest of the day. I'm kind of glad because I don't feel sick today, but I do feel an intense urge to eat right and get my butt in gear again. 

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"It matters not how strait the gate; how charged with punishments the scroll.

I am the master of my fate; I am the Captain of my Soul."

"Invictus"- William Ernest Henley

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