Darkfoxx 37: Out Of The Self-Imposed Pressure Cooker

[darkfoxx]

I've been putting myself under a bunch of (kinda actually necessary) pressure the past year during what has proven to be a very humbling (debilitating) and really rough career transition. I've never been unemployed for this long, and I've been in varying stages of freaking out about it all this past year - from hyperventilating and not sleeping, to giving zero fucks, to being bummed that I'm too old (and uncoordinated) to be a stripper. 

 

This cycle, I'm going to try things a little different in hopes that honey will effect better change than vinegar. Y'all know I'm all about the vinegar. 

 

I'm *not* setting a workout goal - ambitious or slack - I'm just not setting one and I'm not going to beat myself up over not following through on something I'm not setting. 

I'm *not* allowing myself laziness when it comes to the one damn thing I've generally got dialed in - my food. That's low hanging fruit. I can at least freaking track. 

I'm *not* going to freak out about not having a job. We're floating above water. I've got enough runway in my business account for a few months' worth of minimum card payments. Our personal debt isn't mounting. Breathe. The DH quit being judgemental about it. 

And I'm going to continue to make an effort to find things I *like* about Staten Island instead of being depressed that it isn't Brooklyn. Life happens - get over it and move on. You won't live here forever; no use moping or being sad about what was. (can I think of any more cliches?) This bed has been made. 

 

As such, the goals:

 

Macros - try like hell to stick with them most of the time. Track and report religiously. 

 

Mini quests - I still need to bring *something* active into my life. There's that miserable yoga on another thread - that sounds good. I bet somewhere there's a team pvp I can get in on. 

 

Get a job - Reporting this stuff to you guys has been immensely helpful in keeping myself accountable.

 

Find some sort of joy in something - Maybe if I was more inspired, I'd feel like crafting? It's probably not the best thing that the only things I'm excited about lately are saving money and throwing shit out. Minimalism is my jam, but it's starting to seem like the outward face of something that needs lightly poking. Maybe it's a good thing and it's just priorities shifting, but the fact that it's the only things I get really pumped for seems telling. #babble #igetdeep #cheaptherapy 

 

And that's my month ahead. 

 

 

 

 

 

[Fonzico]

The cheap therapy is one of the best things about this forum!

 

I think this challenge will be good for you. Focus on getting your headspace in a good place, give yourself some good fuel and just be okay with reality.

 

It's annoying that it's taking longer than expected but dammit that job is out there for you! Somewhere.

[Terra]

I admire how well you have done while looking for a new full time gig.  If only I could be that productive without deadlines....   Not stressing about stuff is a good thing.  That job is out there somewhere!  Following as always for your awesomeness (and info on where to eat in NYC if I ever come to visit!)  

[Xena]

4 hours ago, darkfoxx said:

There's that miserable yoga on another thread

 

There is indeed! It just went live.

 

 

[darkfoxx]

 

@Xena: yaaaaaas, miserable yoga. --Un--fortunately it isn't monsooning today ....

 

 

 

 

 

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[darkfoxx]

@Terra@Fonzico

 

Thx for the vote of confidence, ladies!

 

 

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[darkfoxx]

Yesterday

 

I think I'll write my daily posts more diary-style this cycle, so I'm not starting off with a judgement.

 

Wrote some copy - the end is in sight.

 

Did some research on SCRUM classes; decided I didn't want to pay a billion dollars for one - may just go the free class + book route without a formal certificate.

 

The host of that career taco night a couple weeks back is legit amazing. I've been listening to her podcast, and she has actual good advice on career shit.

 

And she sent a worksheet to help untangle what it is about career stuff - do you need a new trajectory, or just a new job? Super interesting ways of thinking about things. I'll link you guys when I get to a desktop.

 

Dicked around on YouTube a bunch.

 

Plotted out my whole week next week. I'm taking Monday off, but I roadmapped the rest - copywriting, two days of office hours, teaching class, resume re-writing, touching base with network relationships, and picking a SCRUM course to start the next week.

 

Was miserable because of the cold and the rain, but at least my head snot is maaaaaybe clearing.

 

Made the bed, cleaned the kitchen, made a killer dinner & straightened the living room.

 

Also found out who killed Laura Palmer & saw a pre X Files David Duchovny in a dress. Not a bad looking woman.

 

1,625 calories

81g protein

70g carbs

97g fats

 

Breakfast: No-atmeal with berries & coffee

Lunch: Leftover ranch chicken, sweet potato & broccoli

Snack: Mixed cashews & dill pickle almonds

Dinner: Pan seared salmon probiotic salad with local greens

Snack: More cashews & dill pickle almonds

 

 

 

 

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[Wild Wolf]

15 hours ago, darkfoxx said:

to being bummed that I'm too old (and uncoordinated) to be a stripper. 

 

Ummmmm.... I would totally pay for a dance. Just sayin.

 

Wolf

[Tanktimus the Encourager]

15 hours ago, darkfoxx said:

Mini quests - I still need to bring *something* active into my life. There's that miserable yoga on another thread - that sounds good. I bet somewhere there's a team pvp I can get in on. 

Nerdhammer has been brought back from the grave, just sayin....

 

And following.

[darkfoxx]

@Wild Wolf: I would be the most purposefully awkward stripper ever - which could be either hilarious, or horrifying, depending on the venue

 

@Tanktimus the Encourager: Oooh. I'd forgotten about Nerdhammer! That's a lot of reading to digest at the moment, but following the thread for sure!

 

 

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[darkfoxx]

Yesterday

 

Wrote some copy

 

Had a half-assed lunch on the ferry

 

Went to my free company meeting

 

Had a second half-assed lunch because I wasn't full while at meeting

 

Came right home because I couldn't think of anything else I needed to be doing and needed to sign up for a pool pass at the building

 

Had a Ferry Snack

 

Cracked my phone to all hell while helping the DH look for his brand new and expensive-ass sunglasses with zero luck

 

Whined about both things + the DH's cracked ghetto phone we're finally replacing next week

 

Went out for dinner to commiserate - [emoji496] improved our moods

 

Walked a bit

 

Binged Twin Peaks

 

Calories: 2067

97g protein

172g carbs [x]

83g fats

 

Breakfast: Smoothie & coffee

Snack: 2 chorizo & lime beef sticks

First Lunch: Small salad with that dressing from yesterday and chicken

Second Lunch: 1 kibbeh, 1 spinach dumpling, 1 beefy dumpling from a Mediterranean Place

Snack: 1 chorizo & lime beef stick

Dinner: 12 piece sushi dinner, a glass of wine and half an order of pork gyoza from a place that was quite surprisingly delicious. We found the only place we're ordering sushi from on SI.

 

 

 

 

 

 

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[Tanktimus the Encourager]

16 minutes ago, darkfoxx said:

Calories: 2067

97g protein

172g carbs [x]

83g fats

[darkfoxx]

Saturday / Sunday / Monday

 

Had myself a three day weekend full of too much car, but zero things approximating responsibility.

 

Saturday: Spotty rain, kinda chilly. Took the pup to Silver Lake for a nice long walk/hop through grass and a trip to a dog park. Got my phone fixed.

 

1023 calories

46g protein [x]

38g carbs

78g fats

 

Breakfast: Eggs, asparagus & hollandaise with coffee x 2

Lunch: Skipped - full from hollandaise

Dinner: Picked up broccoli raab & garlic + meatballs from a deli on the way home

Snack: Mixed nuts

 

Sunday: Drove to NJ to a mall. Replaced the DH's pants. Went to the Sri Lankan buffet with friends. Played board games and drank wine afterward.

 

1145 calories

62g protein [x]

89g carbs [x]

58g fats

 

Breakfast: Bad mall Chinese - mixed veggies & half a scoop of sesame chicken

Lunch: Skipped

Dinner: 1 plate of Sri Lankan buffet - a little bit of pork, an egg, a tiny bit of rice to hold the egg curry, pineapple curry, coconut sambal, kale & coconut, eggplant curry. A couple spoon fulls pudding dessert

Snack: Pepperoni

Snack: Mixed nuts

Snack: Glass wine

 

 

Monday: Finally had a diner breakfast (I'd been wanting one all weekend), went grocery shopping, saw Alien.

 

1393 calories

63g protein [x]

96g carbs [x]

81g fats

 

Breakfast: Huge ham steak, eggs, country potatoes, coffee x 2

Lunch: Skipped

Dinner: Cheddarwurst & turmeric sauerkraut

Snack: Movie theater popcorn

 

 

The house was varying degrees of clean

The bed was varying degrees of made

Should have miserable yogaed in the rain, but spent all weekend being chilly and didn't want to add wet to that mix

 

Also helped students via Slack with homework questions pretty much all weekend.

 

 

 

 

 

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[NeverThatBored]

Hey Darkfoxx! Following along. 

[thekatisalie]

The office next to us has weekly SCRUM meetings and training and I giggle when I see them. "Certified SCRUM master" makes me tee-hee for some reason...

[darkfoxx]

@NeverThatBored: Hi!

@therealkat: Me too

 

 

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[darkfoxx]

Yesterday

 

Graded homeworks & cleaned my inbox.

 

Baked some chicken.

 

Held office hours - helped 3 students; 1 in dire need of direction.

 

Took myself out for Chinese afterward.

 

Got home just in time to watch a little tv before bed.

 

Kitchen was fairly messy.

 

Living room was picked up.

 

Bed was half made.

 

Things that didn't get done: stamps, getting the DH to hang a picture rail behind the bed, roasting veggies, sending passports off for renewal.

 

1491 calories

75g protein

98g carbs [x]

90g fats

 

Breakfast: Green smoothie & coffee

Lunch: Cheddarwurst & turmeric kraut

Dinner: Low cal Chinese - steamed cabbage, broccoli, mushrooms & snow peas with chicken and garlic sauce on the side. 1/4 of an orange + the fortune cookie for dessert

Ferry Snack: 1/4 cup macadamia nuts

Snack: Pepperoni & Keto sesame cookie

 

 

 

 

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[NeverThatBored]

42 minutes ago, darkfoxx said:

Breakfast: Green smoothie & coffee

 

 

What do you usually put in your green smoothies?

[Tova, Warrior of the Wilds]

Found you! Caught up and following. Sorry you are still struggling with the job hunt  

[Hiroro]

Hi Darkfoxx...I've clearly missed a lot of happenings in your corner of NYC. 

Sending good job-hunting vibes your way - all the networking/application luck!

Have you tried the Loving Kindness meditation in the Calm app? It sounds cheesy but is kind of nice for being nice to yourself

Maybe reading a book would be a joy thing? I'm rereading stuff I loved as a kid and it's quick/nostalgic.

[Wild Wolf]

On 5/27/2017 at 8:43 AM, darkfoxx said:

@Wild Wolf: I would be the most purposefully awkward stripper ever - which could be either hilarious, or horrifying, depending on the venue

 

HAHAHAHA, I would expect nothing less! Still, you don't give yourself enough credit-Hilarious? Maybe. Horrifying? Can't imagine it being THAT bad. I bet your DH would agree with me too  

 

Wolf

[darkfoxx]

@NeverThatBored: https://gastography.com/2015/06/27/updated-dhs-green-smoothie/

 

@Tova the Vibrant: Welcome!

@Hiroro: Thanks and good to see you! I have not tried the meditation app and am kicking the idea around. I made it a whopping .5 of a session last time I tried a meditation app.

 

I really should get back to consistent reading at night - I haven't been for a couple months now - I'm half-Assedly reading the last in the Daughter of Smoke & Bone series + a hippy book on food history/cultural history for a book club.

 

@Wild Wolf: Probably.

 

 

 

 

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[darkfoxx]

Yesterday

 

Copywriting.

 

Identified some jobs to apply for.

 

Re-designed a drastically stripped down version of my portfolio yet a-damn-gain.

 

Graded homeworks.

 

Held office hours.

 

Taught class, which was painful and I flopped at. The class was silent - no one wanted to raise their hand, no one wanted to participate ... and when live coding, I ran into a bug I couldn't fix - even with the finished version right in front of me - for like 30 minutes. Woof. It was rough.

 

Helped a couple students after class.

 

Breakfast: Smoothie & coffee

Lunch: My favorite kale salad with crack chicken

Dinner: Wisely brought food to school. Crack chicken & roasted broccoli

Ferry Snack: Macadamia nuts - mostly out of wanting to snack rather than hunger

 

Not reported: 1 gummy worm, 2 sugar free mints

 

1320 calories

92g protein

67g carbs

77g fats

 

House was a mess when I got home too late to do anything about it. Some of that was me.

 

 

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[Fonzico]

Oof, sorry the class was so tough! That does not sound like fun... But you made it through!

 

Now WTF is crack chicken?

[Hiroro]

17 minutes ago, Fonzico said:

Now WTF is crack chicken?

I want to know this also.

 

Try the Calm app! It's free  The shortest versions of the body scan and loving kindness ones are 3min, which goes by pretty fast. I tried Headspace and didn't like it as much, but that may be because I didn't like having a dude tell me what to do lol.

 

If you're looking for something to read...the Goblin Emperor is a good standalone fantasy, and Gail Carriger's stuff is sort of a guilty pleasure of mine (steampunk YA).

 

Hope your next class goes better.