Hiroro Battles the Darkness

[Hiroro]

The last month or so, I've been overwhelmed by the darkness. I huddled in a corner as it closed in around me, a terrifying, paralyzing, suffocating force. It was all I could do to get out the door and show up at work, let alone find energy to cook healthy food or work out. Even knowing it was a downward spiral, I couldn't muster the will to make better choices. I wallowed in the mindless momentary comforts of TV and junk food. Many moments I wanted to scream (but didn't, because that might freak out my coworkers). Many moments I wanted to cry (and sometimes did). But I'm tired of giving in to the desire to curl up in the fetal position on the floor (usually mentally, but occasionally physically).

 

I know that deciding to fight is not in itself an action. I know that there will be tough, dark days ahead no matter how hard I try. But I'm here, and that's a start. I went for a run/walk this morning, and that's a step in the right direction. 

 

My overarching goal has always been to lose weight and reach a certain body fat percentage. But right now my goal is just to feel better, more like myself again. How's that for a not-SMART goal?

 

Goal #1: Move 6x/week

I need those endorphins. The activities I enjoy (swimming, lifting, running, tennis, climbing, Spartan workouts, biking...) are the arrows in my quiver. 

 

Goal #2: Yoga 3x/week

All the mind-body wellness. Yoga is the flexibility to bend instead of breaking.

 

Goal #3: Cook most meals

AKA don't eat popcorn for dinner. I care more about feeding my fiance healthy food than I do myself. Healthy eating is the staff which I frequently drop, and am still learning to use. But when I wield it effectively it is both attack and defense.

 

Goal #4: Wake early, Meditate daily

I've been off and on with meditation over the past few months but mostly on. Meditation is my force-field shield.

 

 

Similar goals as previous challenges, but a new purpose. As a side note, I have an appointment with my therapist coming up, so I'm not doing it alone. The last week has been especially rough because fiance was out of town -- I hadn't appreciated just how much I rely on his snuggles to overcome my gloom. 

 

I've missed you guys, and I'm hoping to rejoin the Ranger Army and finish this challenge strong.

[Xena]

Glad to see you back Hiroro. Sorry it's been a rough period for you. Here for you.

[Hiroro]

HI XENA! I've missed you guys.

 

WEEK 1 DAY 1

#1: Walked

#2: 0/3

#3: Yes though I had dinner at my parents and they provided tons of yummy food. I did make a pizza as a snack, and another as an appetizer (pesto prosciutto yumyumyum) with the no-knead method, they came out great and I didn't eat too much of it.

#4: Yes

 

WEEK 1 DAY 2

#1: Moved boxes

#2: 0/3

#3: Yes.

#4: Yes

 

I made this awesome salad over the weekend, loosely based on a chopped salad recipe from Smitten Kitchen. It's iceberg lettuce, salami, provolone, and cherry tomatoes. Dressing is a mix of garlic scape pesto and red wine vinaigrette. I have all the ingredients prepped in the fridge, and am having it for lunch today.

 

Since fiance came home I've been feeling somewhat better. Yesterday I got the blues, and it frustrates fiance because I'm unhappy for no reason (it was a beautiful day, too).

 

I've been to the grocery store / Target a few times in the past few days and have successfully not bought unhealthy snack foods (popcorn or cheese and crackers being my main vices of the moment). Small victories!

[Hiroro]

WEEK 1 DAY 3

#1: Spin class

#2: 0/3

#3: Ate out for dinner.

#4: I'm on a 12-day meditation streak! Still struggling to get up early though.

 

Went to spin class with a couple coworkers and CRUSHED it - ranked 6/28 (based on power over time so...work)! Got stomach cramps again, yay indigestion, but I pushed through it and have no regrets. Showered at spin studio, went to dinner and saw Beauty and the Beast with a friend. Was an awesome evening, and even though I wasn't necessarily blown away by anything in particular about the movie, I felt so happy afterwards...just floating home on a cloud.

 

I'm okay with eating out now and then as a social activity...it's mostly the takeout and random processed food for dinner that I'm avoiding.

 

Need to get on that yoga because I'm going out of town for the weekend for a wedding. There will be food and drink indulgences there for sure.

[Fonzico]

I'm sorry I didn't realize you had a challenge up! And I'm so very sorry to hear what a hard time you've been having lately. While my depressive episodes tend to be short lived, I do still get what you're feeling right now.

 

But you're here and you have us, and you're seeing your therapist and DOING ALL THE RIGHT THINGS TO HELP YOURSELF! And for that I am most hella proud of you.

 

I so felt the same after seeing Beauty and the Beast! It isn't even one of my favorite disney movies, but something about it just made my heart happy.

 

And the smitten salad sounds SO good! I am stealing.

[Xena]

I hope the therapist can help you come up with some strategies. How much longer till you can meet with him/her? It sucks to be under strain and not really know what to do about it.

[Hiroro]

16 hours ago, Fonzico said:

I'm sorry I didn't realize you had a challenge up! And I'm so very sorry to hear what a hard time you've been having lately. While my depressive episodes tend to be short lived, I do still get what you're feeling right now.

 

But you're here and you have us, and you're seeing your therapist and DOING ALL THE RIGHT THINGS TO HELP YOURSELF! And for that I am most hella proud of you.

 

I so felt the same after seeing Beauty and the Beast! It isn't even one of my favorite disney movies, but something about it just made my heart happy.

 

And the smitten salad sounds SO good! I am stealing.

Thank you! 

This is the original recipe, but I modified it a lot. Skipped the chickpeas, onion, and pepperoncini, subbed extra iceberg for the radicchio.

I'm sure it would be great with the vinaigrette that's supposed to go with it...but I had excitedly bought garlic scapes at the farmer's market ($1/bunch!), so I made pesto loosely using this recipe to taste -- scraped most of the pesto out of the blender, then added red wine vinegar, olive oil, dried oregano, and water until I got a flavor profile/consistency I was happy with. I love it so much I'm probably going to use some of the remaining pesto to make more -- it's creamy even though the only dairy is the parmesan.

I think I'll be eating variations of this all summer, no joke. I bet roasted red pepper would be a great addition too. Can you tell I'm awful at actually sticking to a recipe?

 

12 hours ago, Xena said:

I hope the therapist can help you come up with some strategies. How much longer till you can meet with him/her? It sucks to be under strain and not really know what to do about it.

My appointment is next week. It was supposed to be last week, but I postponed it because I get 5 more free sessions starting in June . I haven't paid for a session yet...it's ~$60/hour!!! I can use my HSA, but ugh it's still so much money. It's tough because I considered going to therapy a zillion times before I actually tried it in December, and still don't like admitting to the weakness of wanting/needing it.

[Fonzico]

I never follow recipes either! They're just inspiration

 

And garlic scapes are SO good! They should be in season here soon, I can't wait.

 

I know it's easier said than done, but know that going to a therapist isn't weakness, any more than getting your broken bones set by a doctor is!

[Hiroro]

WEEK 1 DAY 4

#1 Movement: 3/6 so far this week. Didn't do anything yesterday

#2 Yoga: 0/3

#3 Cook: All meals from home

#4 Meditation: Apparently I can't count, the Calm app told me today (Day 5) I have an 11-day streak going. 

 

Yesterday I was supposed to go out to dinner with Little Sis, but my digestive system was acting up in the afternoon - skipped yoga, skipped dinner out. I stopped at the grocery store on the way home from work with the vague idea of buying more short-grain rice, instead bought cheese (discounted mozz for future pizzas as treat, discounted buffalo mozz because lactose free) which I don't feel too badly about because I avoided sad-buying bagged snacks aka popcorn, etc.

Had rice (with butter, salt, sesame oil for flavor) for dinner. Moped around the house and read some.

 

Last night fiance and I had a conversation about his career path (we're both engineers at the same company). He doesn't enjoy the administrative stuff involved in his current role, and is looking at two job postings ONE OF WHICH IS IN CALIFORNIA. AT THE FACILITY I LEFT A YEAR AGO. The manager out at flight test actually contacted fiance about the job a week or two ago - when fiance mentioned it, my reaction was something like "HA Ha...ha?" because I didn't think he would seriously consider it. I liked my job there, but switched to my current (moderately sucky) job to end the long-distance stint.

I completely understand wanting to work at flight test; it's cool, and aviation is fiance's passion. Since his career is long term while I'm just coasting until our financials look good enough for to do the SAHM thing, I want him to do the best thing for future job stuff. But at least 2 more years long distance...*sigh*. 

We have generally discussed moving elsewhere, and I think we're both open to it. But there isn't a job for me in Cali anymore, and the facility is in the desert (so not close to other employers), and cost of living there is high, and my parents are here. I had imagined moving away from Cincinnati 5 or 10 years in the future, after I'm done with my engineering career.

So today I'm in a funk. Even the fact that he's considering it makes me sad because having him out of town for a week recently showed me how much having him around stabilizes my mood - it makes me HAPPIER (duh). 

 

One nice thing...I had some extra dressing from my chopped salad and shared it with coworkers to rave reviews  

 

Also, I'm not working tomorrow because we're leaving for Michigan for a wedding. So that's something to look forward to

[Fonzico]

Oh man! If there was some way you could move out there with him, that would be awesome, but it sounds like some seriously bad timing going on there. I hope you guys can come to a good compromise there... hopefully one that doesn't involve more long distance! Sending all my nerdy love your way - you guys can figure this out.

[Xena]

From everything you are writing, long distance really doesn't sound like the best solution right now. Hope you two can figure something else out.

[Hiroro]

So fiance is not taking the California job. We talked and I cried and he said he wouldn't go. It turned out he thought I would be excited because I love California (and all my relatives are there). Things are okay...I got worked up about it for nothing, I guess.

On a related note, we've been talking about kids and stuff...I've been saying I'd work "5 more years or so", but according to fiance I've been saying that for the past couple years, ha. Since we're getting married next year, we'd considered having a kid as soon as 2019 (though of course such things are never guaranteed)...but I was thinking maybe I would work 4 more years to hit certain $$ numbers before having kid #1. The gist of our recent conversation is that fiance is okay with us not being completely FI before I leave work. So I could stop working as soon as 2019 -- which is both exciting and terrifying. I don't enjoy my job, which is why I've been working towards FI in the first place...but while 5 years away felt almost discouragingly long, 2 years seems terrifyingly soon. It's a little scary for me to think about walking away from the steady paycheck before we fully reach FI.

 

WEEK 1 SUMMARY

#1 Movement: 3/6

#2 Yoga: 0/3

#3 Cook: Yes aside from travel for wedding

#4 Meditation: 4/7

 

Apparently when I travel my meditation habit is not ingrained enough to come with me. Blech on the yoga and working out.

 

WEEK 2 Day 1-3

#1 Movement: 0/6

#2 Yoga: 0/3

#3 Cook: Mostly yes

#4 Meditation: 0/3

 

Yeah. It's not going well. Monday I attempted to go to yoga, but was foiled by the malfunctioning of my Groupon app -- so instead I ate cheese and crackers for dinner and had too much wine. I fell into that tight little spiral of self-loathing, and catch myself thinking I hate myself. It's mostly emotional, but I feel it physically - my chest sort of tightens, my breath comes faster, and I find it hard to focus on anything. I haven't had popcorn since the beginning of the challenge though, so I'm counting that as a small win. Also that I haven't had an episode of lying on the floor in a few weeks. But as soon as I'm on my way out of work (or sooner, some days) I think longingly of just lying down and doing nothing - mustering the will to do anything productive, let alone exercise, seems like a herculean effort. 

 

I do want to mention that I have good moments. Friday evening at our Airbnb, our lovely host lit candles out on her patio, and fiance and I just sat and talked a bit and shared some pinot - I felt so relaxed and happy. The wedding we attended this past weekend was very nice, though fairly exhausting (and I was just a guest!). I don't mean to just be a whiny-pants, because as nuts as it is, I get frustrated that I don't feel happy more often when life is being so darn good to me.

[Hiroro]

Apparently I failed to mention it here, but fiance and I signed up for another Spartan Sprint - Michigan, in September. I am now in the process of recruiting my coworkers to do it

[Fonzico]

I'm glad you sorted out the moving drama. It can be so hard to plan two peoples' lives in tandem sometimes! Even if you're pretty much on the same page.

 

I get how you feel with the planning for the future stuff. We are always talking about moving west, but everytime I actually make motions towards it, I panic. Seems like what you envision for your future and what you WANT aren't always the exact same thing...

 

Don't worry about whining. It sucks when your brain is at war with you. Tell yourself you love you. Even if you don't feel it, say it.

 

Hopefully the happiness ratio will climb.

 

[Xena]

The candles and wine on the porch sounds LOVELY!

 

So I'm often exhausted by the end of a workday and sometimes have a hard time exercising after work. If you want to try to force yourself into exercising (which might or might not be the right thing to do), here are my ideas:  have a mid-afternoon coffee or tea (depending on your relationship with caffeine. Some people find a little boost helpful, others don't for plenty of good reasons), have a snack first...part of my problem is being tired the other part is being hungry, do something less daunting (bootcamp may not seem appealing, but walking or doing some stretching at the gym might not seem so bad), give yourself permission to quit if you don't feel better after 10 minutes (or whatever).

 

But please don't feel bad about having some wine and cheese. You deserve to enjoy nice things in your life.

[Hiroro]

Thank you for the kind words.

 

@Fonzico And what you want and what you feel ready for aren't always the same thing! 

Your comment randomly reminded me of Fievel Goes West, btw

 

@Xena

 I used to drink coffee all day, but cut it out in the afternoon because it helps me sleep soooo much better - but I should try some tea, I think my caffeine tolerance is high enough that it might work out okay...walking that fine line between having energy during the day and being up all night, haha.

 

WEEK 2 Day 4

#1 Movement: 1/6

#2 Yoga: 0/3

#3 Cook: Mostly yes

#4 Meditation: 1/4

 

I was basically ready for bed last night, but I got in a tiny circuit workout. It may be the shortest I've ever done, just a handful of burpees, a couple short rounds of pushups, squats, hangs with leg swings, random kicks...but it's more than I've done in the last week combined. Went to bed feeling...sort of good. 

 

Still ate tons of carbs. But at least it's more like "okay I'm making a meal of this bread and butter, glass of wine, and piece of spanakopita" (yeah, that was dinner yesterday) instead of "I'm going to eat popcorn/chips/whatever and drink and drink just because it sort of feels good and nothing actually makes me feel better".

 

Back on the meditation train. Today makes 2 days in a row. Small wins

 

We watched Lion (got DVD from library) last night and holy cow. I had an inkling from skimming the back (something something orphan something) that it was going to be an emotional ride...but the end was ALL THE FEELS and I cried and cried. Good movie, and I didn't realize it was based on a true story until they talked about it at the end -- crazyness.

[Hiroro]

WEEK 2 Day 5

#1 Movement: 2/6

#2 Yoga: 0/3

#3 Cook: Did not cook yesterday

#4 Meditation: 2/5

 

Yesterday was kind of great.

 

In my session with my therapist I was talking about how I have so much fear and anxiety about the future - I think of all the things that could go wrong, even though in most cases there is nothing I can do to prevent those things from happening. I'm always preparing for the worst. In some cases I can take action against the possibility of those things (signing up for premarital counseling because I worry about getting divorced, working out to prevent being unhealthy and uncomfortable in my own skin forever) but often it's just this undefined fear that bad things will happen to me. My therapist asked, "what if good things happen?" and as it sunk in after the session...it felt revolutionary.

 

I realized I've spent basically my whole life avoiding negative consequences and experiences out of fear. I went into engineering because I was afraid of not being able to support myself. I avoid situations that I expect to be uncomfortable - conversations I don't want to have, people I don't want to interact with, settings where I feel out of place. Even growing up, when my mom was in the slightest negative mood I would avoid her assiduously -- not like hiding in a closet or anything, just...not being wherever she was. Once I could drive I hung out at the bookstore because being at home was uncomfortable (when Middle Sis was in high school, her and Mom were frequently in conflict). To some degree, it works - I'm not one of those people that finds themselves doing things they dislike all the time out of obligation (except for...my job) because I don't let myself get roped into those commitments.

 

But on the flip side, I'm operating from a place of negativity. Lately in the mornings I've told myself "it is going to be a good day", but it isn't very convincing because I don't BELIEVE it. Instead, I can just remind myself, "today could be a good day" -- because that is believable to me. I do tend to seek out things I like -- I read, I travel, I explore restaurants in my area -- but I don't take risks. And I don't expect, or even hope for good things to happen unless I MAKE them happen. Which means that I expect or worry that anything out of my control to have a negative outcome.

 

So I'm trying to recognize those moments where I instinctively act from a place of fear ("what if they don't like me?") and reverse the narrative to be hopeful ("what if they DO like me?"). It's definitely not an easy or quick change, but...I'm feeling good about it.

 

Summary of Thursday:

Therapy session - great

Gave blood and got a free pint of ice cream (plus that ~600cal burn to replace the blood, and not being able to drink yesterday evening) - good

Did a super-short circuit workout before giving blood to help my blood flow, since I've had a few slowww donations before

 

I even woke up today (Friday) feeling so good that I did another short circuit in the morning. Basically jumping jacks, squats, pushups, burpees, crunches. I'm having minor issues with the burpees on my bad ankle, but not letting it get me down; I skip the jump, and if it still hurts I just cut the round short and move on to the next thing. Yesterday because of the ankle issue I replaced the jump tucks that are supposed to be in the circuit with pullup bar hangs with controlled leg lifts, but this morning skipped that since the pullup bar is in the bedroom. nbd. I didn't let my bad ankle or wrist cyst or random other aches and pains keep me from at least doing SOMETHING. Noting my strength loss compared to when I was working out consistently was a little frustrating, but also motivating because I know I can make a lot of progress without ramping up too fast.

[Hiroro]

My abs are a bit sore from the crunches. It's a good feeling  

[Fonzico]

It is so great to hear that your therapy session was helpful! It's so great when someone can put something in such a way that it just clicks for you.

 

It's also great that you're feeling more like getting some exercise in, that's both a good sign and will cause a positive feedback loop

[Xena]

I loved reading about your therapy session and also about your wonderfully sore abs. Keep on doing what you are doing!

 

The stuff you wrote about avoiding conflict at home while growing up really resonated with me. I'm still trying to figure out how that shapes my behavior and responses.

[Hiroro]

WEEK 2 SUMMARY

#1 Movement: 4/6

#2 Yoga: 0/3

#3 Cook: Mostly, yes

#4 Meditation: 3/7

 

Started the week struggling to get motivated to do anything, but ended on a high for sure. Still working on the nutrition piece, but my body-mind is craving exercise a little more. Not sure when I'm going to get on that yoga, though. Whoops.

 

WEEK 3 DAY 1

#1 Movement: 1/1

#2 Yoga: 0/3

#3 Cook: Yes, pizza and salad for dinner

#4 Meditation: 0/1

 

Mid-last week I spontaneously signed up for a bike event on Sunday, because a local spin studio was offering 5 free spin classes to anyone who registers. Totally worth it...even though after I got my bike out of storage and pumped up the tires, one blew  $80 for new hardier tire, tube, and install. But I should be all set to ride all summer now. We attended a wedding Saturday night, and left earlyish (~10pm) because I had to wake up early for my Sunday ride. Just 18 miles, but it was tough enough since I hadn't trained. Great weather, and so nice to have company because riding on the road still freaks me out. Missed my meditation though...any little change in routine is enough to throw me off, gah.

 

WEEK 3 DAY 2

 

#1 Movement: 1/1

#2 Yoga: 0/3

#3 Cook: Rice for dinner

#4 Meditation: 1/2

 

Ate all kinds of random stuff last night, upset my stomach, so ended up having rice to settle it. Went to see Wonder Woman with a few girlfriends, so fun -- and I resisted the popcorn! Was pretty inspired by the movie to get my training and nutrition in line, warrior-style.

[Fonzico]

Impromptu bike race! Awesome!

 

And YOU resisted popcorn. Haha I'm so impressed. Yusssss let the warrior training begin!

[Xena]

The bike race sounded like a great move. Glad you enjoyed it.

[Hiroro]

On 6/13/2017 at 8:51 AM, Fonzico said:

Impromptu bike race! Awesome!

 

And YOU resisted popcorn. Haha I'm so impressed. Yusssss let the warrior training begin!

My coworkers thought it was hilarious when I told them I 'quit' popcorn (we have free popcorn Fridays). But for reals, it's one of those things (like Cheetos) where I have no moderation capability.

 

2 hours ago, Xena said:

The bike race sounded like a great move. Glad you enjoyed it.

It was so fun! Left my crotch kind of sore lol, I forgot that my real bike seat is harder than a spin class bike seat

[Hiroro]

WEEK 3 DAY 3

#1 Movement: 2/2

#2 Yoga: 1/3

#3 Cook: Yes

#4 Meditation: 2/3

 

Look I did my yoga!

 

I woke up early yesterday morning and cooked breakfast for once (eggs, bacon, avocado, yum) - fiance was so thrilled. My stomach was acting up in the afternoon and I was bloaty and not feeling like doing anything. I'd been sort of procrastinating on starting the Groupon, and since I had to show up to activate my membership, I couldn't sign up online - which in my brain apparently means zero commitment level. But I just kept telling myself I would feel soooo much better afterwards. And when I got home I changed into my workout clothes without letting myself think about it too hard.

 

The hot power yoga class was great! It was harder than I remembered due to...not doing it in a while. Plus it was extra humid in the class, and I had to remind myself to rest/drink water as needed, but they're really great about fostering the kind of environment where I'm not trying to push myself 110% all the time (like...spin class). Even, so, I am SORE today! Not horrifically sore anywhere, but somewhat sore in my core, back, ribs(?!), hips. Anyhow, I felt just as awesome afterwards as I kept telling myself I would. It helped work out some of my bloat too.

 

After yoga I ate rice with butter for dinner (stomach still feeling kind of weird), and cooked up taco meat - some went into a quesadilla for fiance. Went to bed by 9.