Ensi - Fox On The Run (Intuitive Eating Journal)

[Ensi]

Hellooo friends! You have stumbled upon my Intuitive Eating Journal. There will be a lot of feelings about food and my relationship with food. A lot of feelings. Hopefully most of it will be love towards food. I f**king love food.

 

 

Why The Fox Is On The Run

 

Tale as old as time: I have been a chronic dieter since my early teens, and I've tried pretty much every diet there is. I believed that being healthy meant being thin, so I hated myself for not being able to get thin (healthy) enough. I've also hated my body and myself for not having enough willpower to do what it takes to lose weight. My self-worth has been tied to how well I managed to eat. I'm sure we all know what self-hatred is, so I'm just going to go to the turning point.

 

This spring, I was counting my calories and focusing on paleo-ish foods, when I started to feel fed up. I felt bloated and anxious, and eating was like an obstacle course I had to pass every day. Thinking about food took so much mental energy from me that I just wanted to let go for a moment. I had listened to a couple of podcasts about body positivity and intuitive eating, and I guess I had started to realize that I have all the information about what a healthy diet is, but there's something wrong with the implementation. I was in a constant fight with my body: "I'm not supposed to feel this way, I'm not supposed to eat like this", and so forth.

 

So, the next morning, I didn't rush to eat my regular breakfast, but listened to my body: was I hungry yet? How much did I want to eat? What did I want to eat? After some time, the hunger signal kicked in, and I had my breakfast. And the hunger went away. I decided not to eat until I would be hungry again, and magically, the hunger signal kicked in a few hours later. I ate, listened to my body, and kept doing this. Listening to my body's signals was the turning point: I realized that every day, I had ignored my body and my feelings, and tried to make myself be good by following a diet made by someone else, someone who doesn't even know me. Basically, I had been telling myself every day to shut up and do as I'm told. Not cool!

 

I realized that I had tied my self-worth to my food choices. Every day, if I had eaten "right", I could tell myself that it had been a good day, and if I had eaten "wrong", I would punish myself by eating less the next day. I can't say that I've had a full-blown eating disorder, but my eating has certainly been disordered. With the help of some body positivity resources and intuitive eating instructions, I started to work on my feelings of worthlessness, and now I feel like I have a better connection to myself and my body. I will never diet again, nor count calories.

 

Where The Fox Is Running To

 

 

Bacon and eggs. Obviously.

 

My mission is to practice intuitive eating, and stay mindful about my food choices. After I stopped dieting and labeling foods as good or bad, I had a bit of a honeymoon: I ate everything I wanted, whenever I wanted, and didn't feel bad about it. After a couple of weeks, the foods I thought I had no control over (chocolate, ice cream), started to feel "meh". And then I started to get worried. If there are no rules, how do I construct my eating habits? I do want to keep my diet healthy: it is a fact that eating less processed foods makes me feel good, and eating a lot of processed foods and sugar makes me feel bad. And that's the key: There will be no rules, but guidelines. Following the guidelines helps me to pick the foods that make me feel good. My goal is to feel good and healthy, not to lose weight. It's a tough one, because I've always eaten to lose weight, but it's necessary if I truly want to reject the restrictive mindset and listen to my body instead. I can't control my body mass as much as I'd like to, anyway, but maybe I can make myself feel healthy and calm.

 

 

And after a few weeks, I feel better. My stress levels and my self-hatred fueled anxiety have gone down. I am now learning to stay mindful about my food choices, and ask myself, how the food will make me feel - not if it's good or bad. It has been mentally very hard to process these feelings (as I forgave myself and let me just be as I am, I spent a few days crying because I was just so relieved), and it's still a process. I want to keep working on this, though, because I haven't felt this carefree and happy in a long, long time!

 

This will probably be enough for now! I will gather resources and some ideas to the next post.

[Ensi]

I will add resources as I find them ~

 

Videos and podcasts

 

• How To Stop Counting Calories And Find Food Freedom! A video by a young woman who's recovering from an eating disorder. She has many helpful videos, and she often rants about unhealthy relationship to food and diet culture. Worth a watch, even if you want to keep counting calories (which is not wrong!).
• My Journey From Counting Calories to Intuitive Eating - a video from the same Youtuber.
• Trust your hunger and make peace with food - a TED talk by Eve Lahijani.
• The Recovery Warrior Show - Eating disorder recovery podcast with interesting interviews.
• Body Kindness Podcast - Podcast about being kind to yourself and your body.
• Fearless Rebelle Radio - Summer Innanen's podcast! Discussions about diet culture and body positivity.

 

Articles

 

• 6 Reasons to stop counting calories + 11 things to do instead

 

My own thoughts

 

• Just because I don't restrict my eating doesn't mean that I'm going to eat unhealthy foods
• I eat most of my food earlier in the day, and less in the evening - no need to restrict myself in the morning so that I won't go hungry in the evening
• I don't have to look at the clock: I can eat when I'm hungry, not when it's "time to eat"
• I will not shy away from any food, but focus on eating mostly unprocessed foods

[deftona]

Here!

[Ensi]

2 hours ago, deftona said:

Here!

 

 

It's been a good day! As I ate my breakfast omelette, I solved the problem of labeling foods bad/unhealthy or good/healthy, in a way. Instead of labeling the omelette, I thought, "this is going to give me energy for a few hours, and I can start my morning and go out for a walk". So, I focused on how the food made me function and feel: it gave me energy, and thinking about how nourishing the food was gave me a wonderful mental boost. It had nothing to do with losing weight or restricting food. I've focused on thinking the same way on my other meals, and I've had no anxiety about food today. Dinner was vegetable soup with egg and turkey, and I had blueberries with greek yogurt for dessert. Yum!!

 

I also had to get laundry detergent from the store. Usually, I pick up some veggies and other random groceries, even if I haven't planned them ahead. This time, I looked at everything that I felt like buying, and asked myself if I really needed it. I made it out of the store with only the detergent, a carton of almond milk, sweet potatoes, broccoli, and frozen blueberries. I didn't buy any fresh veggies for snacking purposes: making it through yesterday without any snacking made me think that maybe I can do it again today, too. It's not about being strict: I just want to see, if I could identify the feeling that makes me snack in the first place. It seems to be boredom, and I haven't had such a huge need to snack today.

 

I just prepared sweet potato and broccoli in a skillet, and I'm gonna have them for lunch tomorrow with some bacon and chicken. My internship starts tomorrow!! I'm excited to get out of the house and go work with people  My studies have been pretty lonely, and it'll be great to work with others. I have to be at the library tomorrow morning at 9 AM. Eeeeeeeeeek! There's also an opening for a librarian at the university of Winterfell (where my parents live). It would start in August, and my internship lasts until the end of August... I might send them an email and ask more, though. I'd love to work in a university library, surrounded by science 

 

If there's one lesson to be learned today, it's that it's very important to be kind to yourself. I've noticed during the past few weeks that it's a lot more effective than being mad at myself.

[Owlet]

following along  

[Ensi]

2 hours ago, Owlet said:

following along  

 

 

Welcome!!

 

SLEEP WAS HORRIBLE. I stayed up feeling stupid about HC (bare with me ok), so this morning I put an end to it, and decided that he's no longer in my life. Well, he obviously decided that a long time ago lol, but I've needed some time to mourn. I've also thought that I should be able to be "mature" about it and keep him as a friend, even though he never contacts me (and is one of those people who never ask, "how are you?"). And now I understand that there's nothing there, anymore, so I might just stop bullying myself with it. I'm just tired x__x And I have tried to stop thinking about him, and I feel stupid because I haven't been able to, but EHHHHHH. I have to let it gooooooo

 

 

I just felt so great with him, but I figured that this has a lot to do with food. (whut) What I mean is that I can't think of this feeling like it's only bound to one person in the entire universe, and that I'm never going to get that feeling ever again. That's restrictive mindset at its best. So, as I know that there will be more cheese cake in the future, I'm gonna trust that there will be more good feelings and human connections in the future.

 

Listening to my body has also affected my human relationships in a way that I'm no longer interested in keeping up contact with people who don't feel right. I have a friend, who's always felt a bit off to me, and now I just can't muster enough mental energy to contact her. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that I've started to listen to myself, and trust myself more, and I don't need outer validation as much anymore. I don't know, but it feels good.

 

Anyway, it's raining this morning! I went for a biking trip last night, and I think my knee really likes it. It's been better, but now my wrist is acting up T__T Nevertheless, I managed to put up a nice outfit for internship, and I'm leaving in half an hour. I think staying up in the night was partly excitement  Wish me luck!

[Ensi]

 

Work was so much fun!! My colleagues are relaxed and nice, and because I'm pretty familiar with a lot of the things from last summer, it was pretty easy to just get going with everything  There are a lot of new things too, for sure! For example, I'm taught to use the library's 3D printer next week. If they could only teach me to use the regular printer first... :'D

 

I think there will be no problem with food. My lunch hour is 30 minutes, and I can go anytime from 11 AM to 1 PM. In addition to this, the staff has two coffee breaks: one after 9 AM, and the other one at 2 PM. So, I can have breakfast, a small snack at 9 AM (maybe just a cup of coffee), lunch around noon, and an afternoon snack at 2 PM. I can have dinner at home, and a small evening snack later on. Today, I had chicken and bacon with sweet potato and broccoli, and half of an orange. I was thinking about buying a protein bar for snacking purposes, but opted for oranges and chicken fillets that you can buy pre-cooked and that are seasoned with pepper. I will get more creative with everything now that I now how I can pace myself.

 

I got home, and since I wasn't quite hungry yet, I took a nap. It was only after the nap that I started to feel hungry, and after the snack I called Mom. A couple of hours later, I had some vegetable soup with chicken, and I think I'm done eating today I spent most of the day on my feet, so I'm resting today. Some gentle yoga, maybe...

[Shello]

Glad your first day went well!  

[Terah]

Following

[Ensi]

11 hours ago, LadyShello said:

Glad your first day went well!  

 

Thanks! It was lovely, and I'm happy to go back today  

 

8 hours ago, Terah said:

Following

 

YEEESSSSS

 

It was a good day yesterday, even if I was worn out in the evening after a bad night of sleep and working like crazy. With crazy I mean that I tried to be as quick as possible, even though everyone told me that it's OK to take my time, and not a single soul told me that I'm slow. I caught myself just a moment ago, and started wondering, why I'm so tense at work. I think it's because of my first job ever: I cleaned up hotel rooms, and my boss was terrible. (She was totally stressed out and I forgive her, but it doesn't justify her actions.) She told me constantly to be faster, asked me "what have you been doing? where have you been? why isn't this thing done yet??" and I guess I still think that every workplace is like that. I'm going to take it easier today: it's only my second day, so I can take some time to get used to places. My instructor was worried yesterday, and said, "I hope we're not giving you too much to learn this week!!" so they're totally fine with me not being Quicksilver.

 

 

I was so exhausted in the evening that I realized I needed some "extra" food, and I had blueberries with protein powder, a couple of pieces of chocolate, and salad. I notice that I still struggle with not feeling guilty about eating, but I think it's because I just started a new job, and I've been tired. I still focus on the good things the food does to me, and also telling myself to "just f**king eat" is surprisingly helpful :DD I'm using the f-word a lot these days. Haha.

 

Time to pack my bag, day 2 is about to start!! Have a lovely Tuesday

[Alarion]

Here to stalk you!

[Ensi]

1 hour ago, Alarion said:

Here to stalk you!

 

 

fffuuuuuuu it's day 2 of internship and I'm developing a slight crush on my tutor. On the other hand, there's this one guy who gives me the creeps, but I think he just wants to be friends. And then there's this asshole HC who I saw on the street x__x I saw that he was coming towards the same direction along another street, so I just kept looking forwards and walking faster. But then I started to hear heavy footsteps, and I figured it had to be him because you must have a very big butt to make such a loud noise. ANYWAY we chatted a bit, and I just felt like my head was in a bubble wrap, and it was a bit hard to register that he was suddenly there (I thought I had seen him a couple of blocks back and got a bit of an adrenaline shot). But I just feel kinda empty now, I don't know. 

 

Anyway, I got home, and wasn't really hungry. It had been almost four hours since my small snack and I want to go out for a biking trip, though, so I had dinner. I'm tired because I'm suddenly working and learning new things, so I'm going to take it extra easy for the first couple of weeks  I'm gonna go clear my head now, and enjoy being outside.

[Ensi]

I decided to bike to a nearby forest, and it was so lovely and beautiful that I calmed down. I was outside for over an hour and a half, and started to get really hungry on my way home I had some cantaloupe, and heated some turkey with cheese in the oven and topped it with ketchup. They sell delicious mini mud cakes at the store, so I had a very small bite for dessert, and it was delicious. Later on I snacked on some fresh veggies. I'm tired, but so relaxed and happy  It's been such a good day to be alive!!

[Ensi]

Happened yesterday:

 

Cute Instructor: "I was thinking that the *Creepy Guy* could show you around the storage next week..."

Me: oh fu

CI: "... but I remembered wrong, and he's occupied then. I will be the one showing you around. Haha!"

Me: OH FU

 

It's been a good day. Sleep was bad, because I was exhausted after running outside (I took some actual running steps, my knee is healing well), and starting the internship has taken its toll. Tonight, I'm going to rest, and do some gentle yoga. It's Thursday tomorrow, and it's the last workday of the week! It's Midsummer this weekend  I'm gonna go get some ice cream with a friend, and recharge my batteries.

 

I love working at the library. Thankfully, I sat most of the day, because I was taught to do information searching. Staying on your feet all day is exhausting (as many of you probably know), and it was good to get a day to let my legs to get some rest  There has been some talk about continuing working after internship, and one of my instructors actually said that I'm the kind of person they'd love to have working there. First of all, it was a very lovely thing to say, and second of all, my plan to continue studying and working in the autumn could work out...! I do hope so!

 

I'm also happy that baboon HC came to have a short chat yesterday. I thought that he was avoiding me, but I was wrong. He said that he's applying for a couple of jobs next month, and they're in another town, so... I'm glad that I can part ways knowing that he thinks well of me. Working on loving myself has helped me a lot with my feelings, and now I see that even though I love him a lot, he would be so bad for me. It's weird to have such strong feelings for someone and at the same time be happy that you're not together.

 

 

There were ice cream tastings at the store. Seven different flavors, and I got to try them all. It is a good day to be alive.

[Ensi]

I love working at the library. I helped people find books, and then I was given a mission to search information about illegal Finnish immigrants in the Soviet Union who ended up in Stalin's camps in the 1930's. I just sat alone and looked up books from the library's database, and then go pick up the books I needed. *excited giggle* During lunch, a colleague of mine who's pretty shy came to sit with me. I asked her yesterday, if she likes to cook, and now she talked excessively about her cooking! She likes to try out healthy recipes, and we had a lovely chat.

 

I love it I love it I love it

 

Anyway, time for some more food talk!

 

I eat breakfast around 6:30 AM (an omelette, usually), and leave for work. I have a small break after 9 AM, and I usually have a cup of coffee with something small. My lunch has consisted of salad, smoked fish and fruit. I included a small slice of pizza today, as well  I came up with an afternoon snack: I take turkey cold cuts, spread garlic cream cheese and bell pepper or cucumber on them, and roll them up. They're an easy, delicious snack, and I have it around 2 PM. This usually carries me all the way over 5 PM...! I tend to eat a bit lighter in the evening. I think I've managed to listen to my hunger signals well, and I'm going to keep doing what I've been doing. I've needed more energy this week, because starting the internship has taken a lot of energy...!

 

Someone brought in lemon cheesecake and chocolate cookies today. I had a small slice of the cake during my morning break, and a cookie with my lunch. The cheese cake was delicious, and you know what? I had that one slice, and then I almost forgot that there was more left! Usually, when there's cake around, I become obsessed with it, and go have another small slice, "because what harm comes from that?" and soon I've had ten slices  But now I just had that one slice, enjoyed it, and then carried on with my things. It feels great that food doesn't have such a huge power on me anymore

 

I've been very tired this week, though, and I think the mid-cycle madness is coming on: bloating and fatigue. I suddenly felt very tired yesterday, and spent the most of the evening lying in bed. I'm gonna rest today, and do a workout tomorrow. I have the whole weekend to recharge my batteries and enjoy my hometown (Now that I'm writing this, I glanced up and noticed that Ron rolls that pen open in the gif above lol)

 

But you know what? NOW'S THE TIME FOR SAUNA!!!!

[Ensi]

Sauna was lovely, and I had dinner afterwards Now, I'd like to talk a bit about my body image and what my goals have been in the past, and what they are now. I'm putting up some pictures under spoiler cuts to give you an idea.

 

This used to be my goal:

 

Spoiler

 

 

... I tried to find another example picture but female fitness pictures are all so sexualized that I was starting to get nauseous OK

 

 

Yeah, I had that idea of being "ripped", having muscle definition and abs. I guess I thought that having a body like that meant that I was "willing to put enough time and energy to prove that I am a good, hardworking person" and looking good. But the fact is that a body like that takes a lot of work. A lot of mental energy, and a lot of time making meal plans, getting your nutrition right, and "giving it your all" at the gym. It wasn't good for my mental health, especially with the disordered eating patterns I've had.

 

After starting to accept my body, I notice that the body that I want is something like this:

 

Spoiler

 

 

 

My fitness goal used to be "as thin as possible", I guess, and I felt guilty about not having muscle definition. I thought that not looking like a fitness star made me bad. But now that I listen to my body, I think it would love being a bit round. I want a healthy weight, I love having a cute belly that makes a belly roll when I sit down... did I just write that? YES, I want a cute, round belly!!  I think I would enjoy looking a bit rounder and softer, and I can decide what I want my body to look like. I want to be healthy, and use my mental energy on my job, art, enjoying life and food. Enjoying life feels so much better than what thin feels. I don't want to be considered strong because I control my body, but because I do my job well and I am good to other people.

 

I also want to have the confidence to rock black turtleneck shirts, because they look amazing on me. u__u

 

Huh, while I wrote this, I understood that I can totally decide what I want my body to look like. No need to follow anyone else's ideals  Anyway, I hope you all enjoy your Midsummer weekend!

[TheGreyJedi-Ranger]

2 hours ago, Ensi said:

Sauna was lovely, and I had dinner afterwards Now, I'd like to talk a bit about my body image and what my goals have been in the past, and what they are now. I'm putting up some pictures under spoiler cuts to give you an idea.

 

This used to be my goal:

 

  Reveal hidden contents

 

 

... I tried to find another example picture but female fitness pictures are all so sexualized that I was starting to get nauseous OK

 

 

Yeah, I had that idea of being "ripped", having muscle definition and abs. I guess I thought that having a body like that meant that I was "willing to put enough time and energy to prove that I am a good, hardworking person" and looking good. But the fact is that a body like that takes a lot of work. A lot of mental energy, and a lot of time making meal plans, getting your nutrition right, and "giving it your all" at the gym. It wasn't good for my mental health, especially with the disordered eating patterns I've had.

 

After starting to accept my body, I notice that the body that I want is something like this:

 

  Reveal hidden contents

 

 

 

My fitness goal used to be "as thin as possible", I guess, and I felt guilty about not having muscle definition. I thought that not looking like a fitness star made me bad. But now that I listen to my body, I think it would love being a bit round. I want a healthy weight, I love having a cute belly that makes a belly roll when I sit down... did I just write that? YES, I want a cute, round belly!!  I think I would enjoy looking a bit rounder and softer, and I can decide what I want my body to look like. I want to be healthy, and use my mental energy on my job, art, enjoying life and food. Enjoying life feels so much better than what thin feels. I don't want to be considered strong because I control my body, but because I do my job well and I am good to other people.

 

I also want to have the confidence to rock black turtleneck shirts, because they look amazing on me. u__u

 

Huh, while I wrote this, I understood that I can totally decide what I want my body to look like. No need to follow anyone else's ideals  Anyway, I hope you all enjoy your Midsummer weekend!

You are my inspiration for sure. You are living proof that someone can get through from where I am to where I want to be! And a reminder that I can do it. 

 

Thank you for being you and for sharing your journey. It brings me so much hope for my own

[Ensi]

8 hours ago, TheGreyJedi-Ranger said:

You are my inspiration for sure. You are living proof that someone can get through from where I am to where I want to be! And a reminder that I can do it. 

 

Thank you for being you and for sharing your journey. It brings me so much hope for my own

 

It all started with the decision to be kind to myself, no matter what. Teaching the Inner Critic to express itself better has made everything better

 

To continue a bit with the body image thing. There's so much more to how a female body "should" look like in our society than just the looks. Now that I look at the fitness industry, it seems to be a counter strike against the ideologies behind other beauty ideals: against the idea that women are weak, shouldn't lift heavy weights, and that women can't be as competent as men. And me being me, growing up with two older brothers (and in a society that sees women as weak lmfaoo), I really bought this idea: looking fit would show everyone that I am a tough woman who can handle herself (and most of all, her body).

 

Look at this (NSFW-ish, a motivation picture):

 

Spoiler

 

The picture states that having a body like that is also about fighting against "barbies" and fashion industry - and working with the diet industry. I started dieting very young, and got close to these fitness model images, and started to think that in order to do fitness right, I'd have to look like them. And, of course, I wanted everyone to see that I am strong and unconventional. Take a look at this list. THE FIRST THREE ARE ABOUT BEING SEEN BY OTHER PEOPLE. Let's not forget our nerdy pleasures, either: the super hero films are filled with muscular, fit heroes. Every woman is fit, sexy, and competent. They get appraisal for being strong and getting shit done.

 

So, wanting a certain type of a body isn't just about wanting the body, but wanting to be seen a certain way. And now that I've worked on loving myself and listening to myself, I notice that it's not that bikini fitness body I want, but something along Marilyn Monroe-ish softness. But wishing for a body like that would make me feel like someone who is happy with the traditional, harmful ideas of what a woman should be like. But here's the thing: I AM A WOMAN AND I CAN DECIDE WHAT I WANT MY BODY TO BE LIKE, AND IF SOMEONE WANTS TO KNOW MY PERSONALITY, THEY CAN COME AND TALK TO MY FACE INSTEAD OF CHECKING OUT THE BOOTY GAINS.

 

Of course, what I just wrote about applies to men, as well. I am also setting the table with obvious facts here, but this is just me processing this information in my head, because I haven't really thought about this earlier. Hurrrghaaar

 

So, I just had breakfast The sun is shining, so I'm thinking of going out for a biking trip, and then doing a strength training workout. I haven't had the energy to work out this week, so I'm looking forward to getting my muscles to work and feeling good! Have a lovely Friday

 

Bonus:

 

 

[Ensi]

*burp* I just had lunch! Sleep was good, and it's been a good day so far  I had breakfast, and then did 20 minutes of strength training exercises. I did squats, kettbell rows, and donkey kicks. I topped that with an hour's walk, and then had a small snack.

 

I had a bit of a new situation in the morning: I've had a small chocolate cake in the fridge, and this morning I just wanted to throw the rest of it away. It wasn't my usual "oh gosh I need to get rid of this so that I won't eat it" mode, but something else. I really had to figure out, what was going on, and then I understood that I just didn't want the chocolate cake anymore. I've had a small spoonful of it here and there, and I just realized that I genuinely want to throw it away because it's not that delicious (anymore ), and I just have a mindless bite every now and then. So, away with the cake! I guess this is how people without disordered eating view food: it's not such a big deal to have less cake. Later on I saw a box of Turkish delights in Lidl, and it looked good, so I bought it. It will be my sweet treat, until something better comes along

 

When I stopped restricting my food choices and noticed how it impacted my relationship with food, I've also started to notice how the same thing happens with other parts of my life. If I try to limit something I see as bad or harmful ("unhealthy"), the more I think about the thing. I start obsessing about the things and people I try to shut out or control. The more conditions I set for my happiness, the further away it goes. It's like trying to make a wild horse happy by building fences around it. I'm so happy with my current situation that it feels weird to hear people tell me that I have the brain capacity to do "something more" or make more money. What the eff??? Maybe I will in the future! (OK I'm sure people say that to be nice, and it is nice, sure ) Right now, I'm a student with a summer internship in the loveliest work place possible. I make enough money to take care of myself, and I'm taking care of my mental health. And it's going great: I taste food and enjoy it like I didn't before, and I've stopped worrying about calories. I do notice that sugary and processed foods make me tired and sluggish, so I prefer to stay away from them, and get comfort from other things (going to bed with a warm water bottle and reading a book, for example). I can stop obsessing about making my life "perfect", and focus on enjoying my studies, my work, and life.

 

I'm happy with what I see in the mirror, and my body is healthy and capable. This is a good day to be alive.

[Ensi]

It's been a good day! I've got in three hours of walking, and I did my meal prep.

 

• oven roasted broccoli, carrots and sweet potato
• vegetable soup
• boiled eggs
• roasted onion and bell peppers

The roasted onion and bell peppers are cooling down in the fridge. Later on, I will mix in some Greek yogurt and tuna with them, and make wraps for lunch tomorrow. Instead of wheat burrito wraps, I'm going to use nori mats. I just suddenly thought about trying out nori mats for wraps, because why not  I'll put in some cucumber, as well, and maybe roasted carrot.

 

I've been writing a lot lately haha, enjoy this shorter update today! I'm ready to get back to work tomorrow  Have a lovely start for your week!

[Ensi]

Win of the day: my friend and I went to a new coffee shop. It had been three hours since my lunch, and I was already hungry, so I decided to have a slice of pie for dinner. It was a hipster-y coffee shop, and the pie was 100 % handmade and the crust was gluten-free and blablablah, but I was able to just enjoy the slice without being anxious about the carbs!!! I was hungry, and I just ate. I would have been so anxious a couple of months ago, but now I just looked at all the other products they had, and picked the one that made me curious I bought a small banana muffin and an oat protein ball to take home with me, and carried them in a small box through the sunny streets with my friend. Good memories <3

 

It was a good day at work. I've felt somewhat down today, but I've just allowed myself to feel low. And something has shifted in the way I look at myself: even though I've had some really shitty things in my life, I've decided to stay positive and kind. I have a thousand reasons I could have become bitter and angry, but I've gone through the trouble of handling my issues, taking responsibility, and trying to be a good person. I don't succeed always, but gosh, do I try. Understanding this makes me feel better. Re-educating the Inner Critic has played a big part in this, for sure.

 

I did a short strength training workout yesterday, and today's a rest day. I'm thinking of going out for an evening walk, though, and maybe call Mom while I'm out. I hope you're all having a lovely start for the week

[Alarion]

Ahhaaaa! All caught up on your adventures again, Ensi. It is always nice to get back in here and read and learn from you.

[Owlet]

17 hours ago, Ensi said:

even though I've had some really shitty things in my life, I've decided to stay positive and kind. I have a thousand reasons I could have become bitter and angry, but I've gone through the trouble of handling my issues, taking responsibility, and trying to be a good person.

<3 <3 <3! Great stuff Ensi  It sounds like you're doing really well, even on days when you feel low.

[Shello]

Pie for dinner is most certainly a win. 

[Ensi]

8 hours ago, Alarion said:

Ahhaaaa! All caught up on your adventures again, Ensi. It is always nice to get back in here and read and learn from you.

 

Oh gosh I have huge respect for everyone who keeps reading this stuff :DD How's the tick bite doing? I hope the antibiotics have helped...!

 

8 hours ago, Owlet said:

<3 <3 <3! Great stuff Ensi  It sounds like you're doing really well, even on days when you feel low.

 

<3 Let's say that the low feelings come and go, but now I'm supporting myself through them instead of telling myself that I'm weak for having feelings lol. I'm channeling my inner Amazon Warrior, which helps, too! "I feel sad... but I'm a warrior, so it's not all bad."

 

 

If I had seen this movie when I was 10 years old my world would have exploded. BETTER LATE THAN NEVER!!

 

2 hours ago, LadyShello said:

Pie for dinner is most certainly a win. 

 

Absolutely <3 I told the shy girl that I had the pie at the coffee shop, and she just asked me via FB if I want to go there with her this Friday. She asked another girl who spends time with us to join us, and now I'm super excited to start the weekend with new friends and another slice of pie! Or maybe I'll try the protein pudding this time...

 

Another good day behind me. People are kind, they believe in me, and I trust them to be capable and awesome, too. And the coolest thing was that I was taught to use a 3D printer  The library has one, and it can be used for free!! I could design a Shepherd Fox logo and print it out!! And one of my instructors told me that since I'm so interested in IT, I will have a lot of work in the future: knowing computer science is going to be very important in the libraries in the future.

 

I just want to take a small moment to appreciate the opportunity I have been given. I love working at the library, and I hope and believe that good things will follow. I'm just going to enjoy this possibility, and do my very best to get new opportunities!

 

After work, I went to have dinner with two friends. (The Creepy Guy came out of the library at the same time as I did. I asked him which way the restaurant was, because I hadn't been there before, and he said that he could walk me there for a moment. I just suddenly said, "OK, thanks! I have a date there, so..." AND HE SAID "Great, see you, bye!" AND WENT THE OTHER WAY AAAAAAAanother one bites the dust. *has lungs filled with dust*) I had chicken salad, which was delicious, and took whatever I couldn't finish home with me.

 

I was tired when I got home, but after calling Mom and resting, I went for a biking trip and did a few sets of squats and kettlebell rows. It was a great way to relax after the day - I did have a wonderful day, but a couple of people drained my energy. I feel tired now, but I want to play the 2013 Tomb Raider for a bit longer  Tomorrow's another day, and it'll be a good one!