Ensi - Fox On The Run (Intuitive Eating Journal)

[Owlet]

I hadn't realised quite how bad your relationship with food was.. it sounds exhausting! And not surprising given the sttitudes you were surrounded by growing up. I'm so glad you are coming out of it now  

[Ensi]

9 hours ago, Owlet said:

I hadn't realised quite how bad your relationship with food was.. it sounds exhausting! And not surprising given the sttitudes you were surrounded by growing up. I'm so glad you are coming out of it now  

 

Hmm. I don't think anyone understood, and how could anyone understand when I was so ashamed of not being able to have a normal relationship with food that I didn't talk about it? Every day, I've thought about food, when to eat next, what to eat next. I was so ashamed to talk about it that I was very alone with my thoughts, and I never talked about my relationship with food with my psychologists either. It was all tied to that feeling of worthlessness I've always had, and I thought that the constant anxiety was caused by my body being wrong. I'm slightly embarrassed to talk about this even now. I'm not sure why I started to get better a couple of weeks ago, but I did.

 

 

Like, just sitting and chilling with people without thinking that I have to go home and fix myself was new to me. I've always felt emotionally isolated from everyone else, but I hope it'll keep getting better, as well. It has certainly gotten better already

 

Work was great, and I'm having sauna in an hour! I think I'm gonna just read some books and watch movies tonight 8D

[Ensi]

Food thoughts

 

• I had a slice of bread topped with turkey cold cuts and some cabbage for morning snack. It was delicious, but made my head and stomach weird. It was a bread baked with oats, and eating oats in big quantities has done this to me before. Gonna pick another type of bread next time, or just have a bit less of oat bread at once. Maybe I'll grow used to it.
• My colleague was very shook by my snack. "There's more turkey on the bread than there's bread!! Eww, your coffee looks weird, it looks like the milk is spoiled." It was actually just macadamia milk, and delicious af. I stared at him cold in the eye, told him that I f**king love turkey, and had a bite of my sandwich. (He's a bit of a weak case, like a small bird. Wouldn't rob a bank with him.)
• I read Gisela van der Ster's book about eating disorder recovery (original title in Swedish is "Mattillåtet" ("food allowed"), I'm not sure if there's an English translation, I read mine in Finnish). It's mostly for those suffering from binge eating and anorexia, but helpful for any kind of unhealthy relationship with food. It encouraged me to eat enough, and challenged some thoughts I've had (binging isn't boredom, but hunger: the better I feed myself, the less my body feels the need to binge). The book really encouraged me to eat more  My fav pick from the book: eating enough releases me from thinking about food for the next few hours, and think about what I want to think about.
• The book also notes that it takes a long time for a human body to actually gain weight or change in any way. Remembering this helped me today, because when the bread made me feel weird, I told myself: "it's not making me fat, it just feels weird for a few hours. It's only one day, and one slice of bread." It's the big picture that matters.
• Before, I used to hoard candy bars and chocolate bars in my backpack. This makes sense now: I felt deprived, so I had a need to carry a snack with me o__o Now I don't have that need anymore. I eat enough at meals, so I don't feel the need to snack. Hurah!
• These two months practicing intuitive eating have been wonderful, and I want to keep doing this. OK, it's been scary, but now I'm starting to trust my body, because even though I've eaten as much I've wanted, I haven't gained... weight? Or maybe I have, I haven't stepped on the scale lol. Anyway, I've learned to listen to my body and my needs. I still have work to do with my abuse / sexual abuse traumas, but now that I am eating enough, I have the energy to tackle them better.

 

Sauna was wonderful, and now I'm going to watch Kung Fu Panda  I linked this clip in GreyJedi's thread, and I think it's pretty relevant to trying to control one's food or body:

 

 

[Owlet]

15 hours ago, Ensi said:

 

Hmm. I don't think anyone understood, and how could anyone understand when I was so ashamed of not being able to have a normal relationship with food that I didn't talk about it? Every day, I've thought about food, when to eat next, what to eat next. I was so ashamed to talk about it that I was very alone with my thoughts, and I never talked about my relationship with food with my psychologists either. It was all tied to that feeling of worthlessness I've always had, and I thought that the constant anxiety was caused by my body being wrong. I'm slightly embarrassed to talk about this even now. I'm not sure why I started to get better a couple of weeks ago, but I did.

 

Like, just sitting and chilling with people without thinking that I have to go home and fix myself was new to me. I've always felt emotionally isolated from everyone else, but I hope it'll keep getting better, as well. It has certainly gotten better already

 

Work was great, and I'm having sauna in an hour! I think I'm gonna just read some books and watch movies tonight 8D

Oh Ensi, that sounds so lonely <3 Thank goodness you found a way out, it'll only get better from here I'm sure. I get the embarrassment thing - I used to be horribly shy and never told anyone about my struggles because I thought I was such a freak for having those struggles. It got to the point where my struggle was that I couldn't even tell anyone But like you said, that is very isolating and only makes it worse. Once I started talking more I realised that a) my struggles aren't so unusual and certainly not grounds for feeling ashamed, and b) even if other people don't share your own struggles they have their own and they might feel equally embarrassed about them. Talking and sharing is totally the way forward! I have a wonderful friend who told me that when you're struggling with some part of yourself, that is nothing to be ashamed of - it is actually really amazing because it means you are challenging yourself to change, which is surely one of the hardest things you can do in life! So well done you  If you start feeling discouraged, remember how far you've already come, and think of all the things you'll be able to achieve once you've freed up your mind from being so preoccupied with food!

 

11 hours ago, Ensi said:

These two months practicing intuitive eating have been wonderful, and I want to keep doing this. OK, it's been scary, but now I'm starting to trust my body, because even though I've eaten as much I've wanted, I haven't gained... weight? Or maybe I have, I haven't stepped on the scale lol. Anyway, I've learned to listen to my body and my needs. I still have work to do with my abuse / sexual abuse traumas, but now that I am eating enough, I have the energy to tackle them better.

I'm sorry you were abused, that makes me so sad   you're right though, now that you're sorting out your relationship to food you'll be able to tackle this better. I know you can do it! As far as intuitive eating goes.. our bodies are the most amazing things and when we treat them right they are actually really good at telling us what they need and looking after us in turn. Bodies are better at being bodies than brains are I think  Diets really are the worst concept. Eating with the goal of feeling good from what you're putting in your body.. sounds good to me. And that definitely includes a sweet treat (or a delicious cheese feast) every now and then. It's been enlightening reading your journey - it helped me make sense of the fact that when I finally stopped obsessing over food and trying so hard, I finally lost weight and - more importantly - I feel comfortable in my body. Before it felt like there was a mismatch between how I felt in my mind and how I actually was... I'm doing a terrible job of explaining haha, but thanks for sharing your journey!

[Ensi]

3 hours ago, Owlet said:

Oh Ensi, that sounds so lonely <3 Thank goodness you found a way out, it'll only get better from here I'm sure. I get the embarrassment thing - I used to be horribly shy and never told anyone about my struggles because I thought I was such a freak for having those struggles. It got to the point where my struggle was that I couldn't even tell anyone But like you said, that is very isolating and only makes it worse. Once I started talking more I realised that a) my struggles aren't so unusual and certainly not grounds for feeling ashamed, and b) even if other people don't share your own struggles they have their own and they might feel equally embarrassed about them. Talking and sharing is totally the way forward! I have a wonderful friend who told me that when you're struggling with some part of yourself, that is nothing to be ashamed of - it is actually really amazing because it means you are challenging yourself to change, which is surely one of the hardest things you can do in life! So well done you  If you start feeling discouraged, remember how far you've already come, and think of all the things you'll be able to achieve once you've freed up your mind from being so preoccupied with food!

 

I'm sorry you were abused, that makes me so sad   you're right though, now that you're sorting out your relationship to food you'll be able to tackle this better. I know you can do it! As far as intuitive eating goes.. our bodies are the most amazing things and when we treat them right they are actually really good at telling us what they need and looking after us in turn. Bodies are better at being bodies than brains are I think  Diets really are the worst concept. Eating with the goal of feeling good from what you're putting in your body.. sounds good to me. And that definitely includes a sweet treat (or a delicious cheese feast) every now and then. It's been enlightening reading your journey - it helped me make sense of the fact that when I finally stopped obsessing over food and trying so hard, I finally lost weight and - more importantly - I feel comfortable in my body. Before it felt like there was a mismatch between how I felt in my mind and how I actually was... I'm doing a terrible job of explaining haha, but thanks for sharing your journey!

 

Knowing that you have your own struggles, it's good to read you write something like this  I'm glad to hear that reading about my thoughts has helped you figure out some of your own thoughts, as well...! Our bodies and minds are capable of healing from so much pain that it's hard to comprehend. I guess that's the nature of life: always finding ways to get better and stronger, even if it means having to step back and feel weak every now and then. Life's not black and white, but a constant stream of change. I think I'm coming to terms with that... I used to be scared of change, because I was afraid of the unknown. I always tried to build a permanent safe space, but that's against how things naturally are. But now I know that there will always be a solution; just because I can't see it yet, doesn't mean that it doesn't exist. Everything will be OK in the end

[Ensi]

Yesterday was a good day. I walked a lot, did my groceries for next week, and did a 30-minute-long body weight workout. My friend came over in the evening to hang out and watch a movie, and sleep was good

 

My other friend invited me for a brunch this morning. She said that there will be croissants, bread, and orange juice - and I became very anxious about it, and frustrated that there wouldn't be any protein, like eggs and such (she's all about bread lol). After a moment, I realized that this isn't me talking, but the eating disorder. I started to think, what really was bothering me, and I realized that the mid-cycle shenanigans are going on (I'm tired and irritable) and I am worried about not making enough progress with my thesis. I'm tired and feeling out of control, and my mind makes it about food. 

 

 

Now I'm writing this and trying to find a new perspective I don't have to be a "perfect good girl". That's what this is all about. But I'm a bohemian scientist librarian, and I don't have to have everything under control, because control is sooooooo last season. I don't have to prove anything to anyone. I'm gonna bring some eggs and meat to the brunch myself, and enjoy them with the bread my friend says she's gonna bake herself  Then I'll come back home and focus on the thesis. I will watch an episode of Breaking Bad during my breaks, and prep my meals for next week. One moment at a time, it'll be a good day <3

 

I'm reading a book where people tell about their eating disorders, and a lot of it sounds very familiar: a lot of bullying and feelings of worthlessness. I also understand how my weight became such a big deal: I had to visit a doctor every six months, and I went to a dietitian who told me about calorie counting (she showed me how many calories there were in a pastry just before Christmas - I think I was 13 years old at the time). If I hadn't lost weight since the last visit, it was a big disappointment, and Mom and Dad were frustrated about it all. But then again, Mom told me that yesterday she had a doughnut with coffee, and that for the first time in a looooong time, she just decided to enjoy the doughnut instead of picking it apart, eating only half of it, and then having "just one more bite" - and all because of what I've been talking about during the past few weeks with her.

 

I thought for years that I did the right thing by dieting, but now... Starting to see how damaging the diet culture is to everyone is totally how Steve must have felt when he realized that SHIELD had been infiltrated by HYDRA all along.

 

 

 

[Shello]

On 7/22/2017 at 11:46 PM, Ensi said:

But I'm a bohemian scientist librarian, and I don't have to have everything under control, because control is sooooooo last season.

Bwahahaha  Love this. 

[Ensi]

Food thoughts

 

• The "permission to eat" book talked about the portion size control: deciding on how much to eat based on numbers, in advance. As in, you don't eat enough, or maybe you eat too much - in the end, your body feels uncomfortable, not satisfied. I now understand the difference between eating with your eyes (calories / portion size) and eating until your body is satisfied. I used to decide my portion sizes in advance: sometimes they turned out to be too big (and I ate myself uncomfortably full and bloated), sometimes too little (I was hungry and snacky afterwards -> later on, I would snack on a lot of food). So, maybe I become full while eating my meal, and I don't need finish it. On the other hand, I might still be hungry after my meal, in which case I can take something more from the fridge. The key is to chew my food properly and mindfully: If I chew my food properly, I won't get uncomfortably full.
• I was hungrier during the weekend, which was slightly alarming to me. But then I put some facts together and realized that I had done a bodyweight workout, a lot of biking, and the mid-cycle hormones made me crave for more food, as always. So, I had more than what I had decided to be an "appropriate" amount of food. My body will balance itself out.
• So, in addition to hunger cues, I've also started to learn to listen to my satiety signals. When I've eaten enough, I feel calm, and I don't think about food. It's so fascinating to find out all these feelings that my body has...!

 

Hmmmm. A couple of months ago it felt like my past was blown to pieces, and I've gotten the possibility to look at it objectively: my eating disorder and self-hatred suddenly seem so clear and logical. It's no longer such a mystery why I've been so anxious, or why I've had some very toxic people in my life. It all just makes sense. Nevertheless, it doesn't mean that I have let go of things in my past. These two months, I've tried to put the pieces back together so that they could make sense. But yesterday I read someone write, "I made peace with my past", and it clicked something in my tiny little brain. I don't need to make anything of my past. I don't need to explain it to anyone. I can accept it, and leave it behind. It's not a mystery I need to solve, or something that I need to analyze any longer. I have picked it apart enough: I am healing, and I have everything I need to move on. Some things will never have answers or explanations, and that's OK. I just haven't realized before that I can just accept what has happened. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

 

So: I decide to accept my past, everything about it, and let it be. It's part of me, but it doesn't define my future.

 

This feels so liberating...! I guess I just haven't been ready to do this before, but now I'm getting stronger and healthier, and I know that I can move on and be who I want to be. I want to cultivate calmness and peacefulness in my life. And, because I'm a white chick, I started by doing some yoga in the morning :'D Peace out, everyone <3

[Ensi]

Oh my gooood Breaking Bad season 5 is tough stuff. Episode "Dead Freight" had such an intense heist scene that watching it was almost painful. I loved it. :'D

 

It's been a good day! After work, I went for a walk and had a cappuccino in a small coffee house. It was nice to sit down and calm down after the work day, and I did some eavesdropping on some older ladies that were talking about their travels in Europe a few decades ago. After that, I walked to get myself some veggies, and after watching Breaking Bad, I wanted to go out and bike. I decided to rest, though, so I baked a protein bread and did some yoga while it was in the oven. My body still screamed that it wanted to go out and bike, so I did T__T I biked around town, which took 50 minutes, and now I'm just chilling. I worked 30 minutes on my thesis this morning, and I might do another 30 minutes before bed time.

 

Food thoughts!

 

• Some colleagues returned from their vacation today, and they brought some sweets with them to celebrate. All the sweets were on a kitchen table. Before, I would have thought about them constantly, and sneaked to snack on them all the time. Now I barely remembered them, and was able to focus on working. My mental energy goes to other things than food now. This is great.
• I'm slowly letting go of the intention of losing weight. I'm eating to stay energized and healthy, and I don't have to wonder if the food I'm eating is going to make me gain weight or lose weight. I can just eat until I'm full. This is also great.

[Ensi]

The hormones are giving me a hard time  I've been anxious, and yesterday I suddenly panicked about what I'm gonna do in the autumn when my internship ends. I calmed myself down by reminding myself that my final payment alone pays the rent for three months (Fort Foxy is cheap yo). It's easy for me to go to that catastrophy line of thinking when I'm tired ("everything will go badly and I can't stop it"). I got a couple of things done to get some housing benefits this autumn (in practice, I'll get some money from the social services to help me pay the rent), and started to change my "passive" mindset to "active". I'll save money where I can, and stay active at work. There will always be a solution.

 

Of course, this has also affected my body image, and I've made body checking a lot. But I'm getting better at talking myself out of hating the way I look. I focus on the things I do, how I behave towards other people, how my body is stronger and happier than ever while restricting, and all my mental energy is now available to be used on other things than wondering if having two tablespoons of olive oil instead of one is too much. Besides, yesterday I felt big and bloated in the morning, and suddenly in the afternoon I felt lean. To hold a permanent "this is how I should look like" body image is like trying to hold onto a fish that's struggling very hard to get away from my hands. I'm not an idea, or an object, but an animal. I wear comfortable clothes and talk kindly to myself for now. It's OK  I'm gonna focus on finding some humour and fun in every day.

 

I realized that I've held onto a safe food: I always eat the same breakfast, because I know it's relatively low in calories and high in protein. This has resulted into eating bigger breakfasts, actually: I like to snack on other foods while preparing the safe breakfast, and then eaten the safe food in addition to everything. So, this morning, I dropped the safe breakfast, and noticed that I didn't really even want it. I snacked on this and that, as usual, and had slice of the chocolate protein bread I made a couple of days ago, and now I'm more satisfied with how I ate. I need to focus on the balance of 1) planning enough so that I have food in the fridge and 2) not planning too much ahead in order to stay "safe". Food's not dangerous.

 

Blllergh. As said, I'm a little tired I'm gonna rest a little, and do lighter bodyweight workouts for the rest of the week. I can leave home a little earlier today, take a nap, and do some yoga. Nevertheless, I'm also coming up with some ideas about an art portfolio. I'd like to get started with painting commissions, and selling my artwork. I'm also going to set up a Github profile for my computer science / programming projects  Have a lovely Thursday, everyone!

[Ensi]

Hmmm what do we have here? A productive damn day!

 

Food's been excellent today. Not that I'm evaluating, but I'm feeling excellent  I've started to trust in the "eat more earlier in the day and less in the evening" model, and all in all, I'm trusting myself more and more every day. Eating enough and chewing slowly = win.

 

Haha, I've loved it how Mike has been able to spot all the cops that have tried to tail him in Breaking Bad, and wondered how he does it.

 

 

Well, someone started following me today, and I spotted him immediately. I've seen him earlier: he's worked at the library before, and I saw him a few weeks ago when he was talking with some of my colleagues. He stared at me already back then but didn't say a word to me, and I got a very unpleasant feeling about him. Well, he kept his distance, but followed me all the way to the other end of the library when I went to get some books from there. I went to get a book from a more remote shelf, and when I made my way back, he had followed me there. He pretended to just look around, and I pretended not to even notice him. I quickly walked to the book storage in the basement where only staff is allowed. I spent at least 15 minutes there organizing some books, and when I got back up, I saw him again - and I saw him notice me. I walked to the other end of the library as quickly as I could, and then I spotted a friend of mine in the children's department. I went to have a chat, and he followed me there. I didn't look at him, but I saw from my side-eye that he was staring at me. I spent a moment talking with my friend, and when I went back to the stairs that lead up to my department, he was just loitering there again.

 

 

Uuurgh. I told my colleague about him and asked if this is something he does, but she said that not that she's heard of. She said that she wouldn't be surprised, though :I He's not dangerous, but creepy af. I noticed that my hands shook when I went to get a cup of coffee. There's just something about those situations that make me nervous. I'm gonna channel my inner Mike Ehrmantraut and ignore the piece of sh*t. I sometimes feel like I have an old man's soul but I'm trapped in a body of a blonde young woman, is this good??

 

Other than that, work was good, and when I left home at 4 PM, it was really hot outside. I walked by a coffee shop that advertised cold brewed latte with ice. Guess who got herself one?  I sipped it through a straw and walked by the river. I rested, watched an episode of Breaking Bad, and called Mom. Later on, I did yoga for an hour. I remembered that the key to getting a real workout out of it is to breathe a bit quicker. It keeps me moving and focused on breathing. My knees were fine with all the movements, which is awesome. Life's good

 

I'm cheering myself up by listening to my current fictional boyfriend's hit songs lol:

 

 

[Ensi]

It's Friday! Sauna was amazing, and it was a good day. I was tired, but I'm learning how to save my mental energy at work. There's this one colleague who loves to hang out with me, but she's so negative that she drains me :/ One morning, she snapped at me at several times, and that's when I decided that she's a friend at work, but not my friend. I'm learning how to keep a certain distance: I will happily work with her, but not engage in personal conversations or such.  But library's awesome: you can borrow a tablet so that you can read the e-books at home! I borrowed one today, and now I'm just going through the e-books in my bed. I also borrowed a couple of recipe books, so I could try something new for next week.

 

Nevertheless, I have one month of internship left, and I'd like to pay some extra attention to my food choices during August. I just read an e-book about balancing your hormones, and a lot of it made sense. One fear food of mine has been dairy, which doesn't even make sense anymore: I eat dairy daily, and I'm not a bloated, tired monster. Actually, I'm eating the artificially sweetened protein puddings, and I'm doing OK. So, now I'm making a switch: I will buy unsweetened quark, put in some berries and nuts, and that'll be my snack from now on. Simple, cheap, and easy.

 

My guideline is as follows:

 

• breakfast: plentiful
• 9 AM snack: coffee, quark with berries and nuts
• lunch: a hearty salad with protein and carbs
• afternoon snack: coffee, a small treat
• dinner: soup
• evening snack: eggs, a cup of hot chocolate or something like that

 

I'm gonna eat a lot I remembered today how tired I used to be, and it was all because I wasn't eating enough! It's so different now. Gosh. I also got a couple of ideas for work: a woman and her brother came to the library, and she asked me if we had Finnish text books for students that speak Arabian. It's hard to search for specific books like that from our database, so I asked my supervisor, if I could start making a list of our Finnish language course books, organized by the student's language. That way, when someone comes and asks us for a specific language course book, we could just take the list and see what we have in that specific language. People thought that it's a very good idea, so that's what I'm gonna do in August. It'll take a lot of work, but hey, that's what I'm there for I even thought about programming a small application for us to use, so that we could just pick the language and whether we're looking for beginner, basic or advanced level books. But one step at a time...

 

I have three days off from work. I'm gonna rest, work on the thesis, and clean up the apartment. Enjoy your day, everyone <3

[Alarion]

Catching up again with your adventures, Ensi! I like to see how you are befriending your own body, and food. And having great ideas for work! Go, Ensi, go! Well, and rest too, obviously.

[Ensi]

11 hours ago, Alarion said:

Catching up again with your adventures, Ensi! I like to see how you are befriending your own body, and food. And having great ideas for work! Go, Ensi, go! Well, and rest too, obviously.

 

Thanks, Al!! Oh you just reminded me of the book I'm reading, Interdisciplinary Approaches to Twilight. It's just literary essays on Twilight, and most fascinatingly (I've never used "fascinating" as a superlative before, there you go) they handle the subject of the body in those books. One of them argues that in the core of the books' narrative is the hope to attain the perfect (vampire) body that's depicted as beautiful, fashion-magazine worthy. Bella constantly belittles her own mortal body and admires the immortal, dead body of Edward: Bella's a living being and close to nature, whereas Edward represents culture's ideals of how the body should look like. My point is that uhh yes, I'm befriending my body and accepting its flaws, unlike Bella, who strives towards becoming perfect and, well, dead. (Yes, I just made this about Twilight. Whachagonnadohuh????)

 

**

 

Note to self: for the love of all the wild horses in the world, do not have a snack that's based only on quark or cottage cheese. Bloating and weird feelings will ensue  Dairy in small doses is OK, though.

 

It's been a good morning! I made myself rest last evening. That means that I wanted to go out and work out badly, but I made myself stay home all evening and watch Breaking Bad It's just that I wanted my body to have a proper rest day from intense exercise. I did go out for a morning walk and biked to the library to pick up a couple of books, but that's it. I worked on my thesis, and I'm starting to believe that I can finish it. The pause I've had has done me good: I have a lot more mental energy to keep working on it

 

A month ago, I said that I'm gonna start doing light bodyweight exercises, around 10 minutes per day. My initial workout was something like this:

 

• warm-up 5 minutes
• 3 x 12 squats
• 3 x 10 kettlebell rows

 

And that's it. I haven't really made myself do anything more, but I've just slowly started to make sets with more reps. Then I took in a couple more exercises. I've eaten carbs after workouts, and made sure I get enough rest. Here's my 30-minute workout this morning, after 50 minutes of biking:

 

• 4 x 30 squats
• 4 x 11 kettlebell rows
• 3 x 20 bid dogs (per side)
• 3 x 20 donkey kicks (per side)
• 3 x 12 kettlebell lifts (from deadlift to raising it over my head)
• 3 x 20 deadlifts (16 kg)

 

4 x 30 squats. Me. I haven't been able to work myself up to number like these before, because I haven't eaten enough.

 

Benefits of eating more carbs: I have more energy, both mental and physical. My blood sugar doesn't crash after working out, as it used to (I sometimes had to get out of shower after workout, because I was about to faint). My body is getting stronger. There's nothing to be afraid of.

 

Nevertheless, I think it's time to change my routine. I'm gonna keep the squats, but start making them with a kettlebell for extra weight. Kettlebell rows I will keep, too. Bird dogs are good for core, but I'm gonna change donkey kicks and kettlebell lifts to something new. Deadlifts are new, I just took them in the programme today, so they're staying. Gonna pick up a couple of new exercises for my next workout.

 

PUSH-UPS. That's it! I want to start working on push-ups!  Exciting!

 

And now, dear Nerds, I'm gonna watch the final episode of Breaking Bad. *very loud screaming in Finnish*

[Ensi]

Watched the last episode of Breaking Bad. The final season made me think, "this is a tragedy". It's very rare for a TV-show or a movie to make me feel like that. Like, there can be a lot of drama, but the final season of Breaking Bad felt like the conclusion of a masterfully crafted tragedy.

 

... I just really needed to get that out of my system. Time to get to work with the thesis

[Ensi]

Goood morning!! I'ts Monday, and it's my day off

 

 

I just want to say that I'm feeling so happy and free this morning that !!!!! Argh, I have no words. I do admit that I've had some feelings of worthlessness during the past couple of days. That's how it is sometimes. I'm now working on reframing my thoughts, and it helps immensely to give myself small pep talks ("I am an intelligent, analytical young woman with many talents and skills, and I am loved"). The feeling of worthlessness has always kept me isolated ("I stay home and eat perfectly so that one day I can go out and be accepted as I am"), but now I'm starting to think that it would be nice to go out and get to know new people. It's so weird to look back and think about how many good things I've passed because I've been sick, but it's not really helpful. Instead, I think about the things I've possibly avoided, and the things I've learned during the sickness. I just keep banging my head against the wall with "if I just had been OK when that one thing happened, I could have made it work". But I am not to blame. It wasn't my fault. I was sick. What's important is that I'm finally getting better, and now I am free to live the life I've always wanted. Good things will come

 

I had to challenge a restrictive thought last night. I had eaten at 6:30 PM, and I got hungry at 8:30 PM. I don't usually eat after my 6:30 PM meal, and I wasn't really sure what to make of my hunger. I had a feeling that I had eaten a lot during the day, anyway. But I had worked out for 1 hour 20 minutes in the morning and gone on a walk, so... My body totally needed some fuel. I had a nectarine, some goat cheese, and a piece of dark chocolate. Hunger over

 

I'm no longer as scared of eating too much as before. I'm starting to trust that if I eat only when I'm hungry, it will be fine. Nevertheless, I have eaten more sweets and chocolate than I'd like to. I'm going to change it by starting to make my own protein bars: I'll still get good snacks, but with less sugar and other ingredients I can't even pronounce. I also have a recipe for a "fitness" cheesecake, and I'm thinking that it would be perfect for my afternoon coffee snack! I'm looking for some other recipes, and I'm gonna go out and buy some ingredients soon

 

One more thing: I'm very excited about calisthenics now. Well, I was before, but I never got better at it because I wasn't eating enough. I just got sick and tired, and that's why it was a bit like "yeah it's cool, but not for me". But now I'm seeing that I can make progress, and I really want to get better at calisthenics! Next thing is to learn the proper form for push-ups. Any suggestion for an instructional website or video? Let me know! And have an awesome start for your week

[Terah]

That sounds like an awesome beginning of the week

I'm glad you are in such a good place right now <3

[Ensi]

13 hours ago, Terah said:

That sounds like an awesome beginning of the week

I'm glad you are in such a good place right now <3

 

Thanks  It's slowly getting better. And it's been a huge help to stop trying to control food - it just kept my anxiety going. You know, actually having something I could count and control gave me numbers that I could panic about.

 

A fun thing: snacking is no longer an issue. I'm not hungry between meals, because I eat enough food, so... no snacking! And when I'm bored, I don't go to fridge anymore to wonder if I could snack on something. Maybe snacking was just my hungry brain trying to get enough energy to handle the problems...? Well, I'm not sure about that, but anyway: the "bad habits" I probably had a lot to do with my body trying to keep itself alive, not my weak willpower.

 

I did laundry and grocery shopping yesterday. And then, because I'm a responsible adult, I bought a Harley Davidson key chain for my bike keys, and a small drone that has a camera. It's a very, very small drone, and it can only fly around for 5-ish minutes before it needs to be reloaded. It was cheap, though, and perfect for a beginner like me. I smell an expensive hobby starting  I flew it around my room yesterday, and started to get the hang of it! It was a lot of fun 8D

 

It's currently 6 AM. I woke up after 5 AM, went to do a couple of stretches on the balcony, and now I feel like continuing with the thesis until 7 AM. It's coming along nicely: I'm currently polishing up the analysis, and adding some things to support my arguments.

 

Have a lovely Tuesday, everyone!

[Ensi]

Pre-Sharkweek Menace (PMS) is giving me a hard time. A couple of instructors lectured me good yesterday, because I helped an older lady scan and print out a page of an old magazine. I had asked Cute Tutor if it was OK, and he said that I could go for it, but the two others were not happy about it. I understand it, though: I should have made it clear that the library doesn't usually provide services like this. I was happy with how I managed myself in the situation, though: they were nearly shouting, but I just stood there and took in what they said, thinking to myself that this doesn't mean that they want to get rid of me or something (which is how I usually feel in situations like these); they just wanted me to know how things work. Aggressively :'D I didn't start apologizing or defending myself too much (other than "my tutor said it was OK, but I understand that I should have mentioned her that it's a special case to help her out like this"), but just made sure that I got the point. Nevertheless, I was pretty drained, but my brother was visiting town. We went for dinner later on, and it was nice  On my way home, I bought myself a bottle of red wine, a slice of mudcake with whipped cream and other assorted foods, and then walked back home by the river. Later on I chatted with my friend and vented. It was great

 

My fridge is full of food, which I find slightly uncomfortable. I think that I feel guilty about having been a bit careless with my money lately, and this might also have to do with being ashamed of being seen by others (a friend of mine often comments my fridge, "there's so much food in here!"). This almost made me binge at breakfast, but as I was reaching out for more food, I just started to listen to my body. And I realized that I'm not hungry, just tired, and I feel emotionally deprived (PMS, the incident at work). It has started to sink in that food isn't the way to take care of myself. I just have this feeling, "I'm not allowed to feel good about myself". Like something bad would follow if I just enjoyed my current situation (living alone, not going out on dates). I just need to snap out of the need to please other people. It's just that my aunt's husband said, "I'm sure you get a lot of attention from guys!" and I can't help feeling that people look at me and think, "she would be happier if she had someone". Like ehh. It's just such a lonely feeling, because I feel like I live in a society of people obsessed with dating, and I'm more interested in food. I just need to make peace with myself, and let everyone think for themselves - myself included.

 

Anyway, I managed to stop binge eating before it began, and now I'm drinking the most DELICIOUS coffee x__x It's a New York inspired mix from a Finnish coffee company that's recommended for cold brew coffee, too. I'm gonna prepare some for tomorrow morning Now I'm thinking about going downstairs and spending some time doing maintenance on my bike. The drone I bought made me genuinely happy. I've always liked technology, and I'm curious about how things work. I think spending some time working on my bike could give me a mental boost! I have the evening shift, so I go to work at 1 PM-ish. Have yourselves a good Wednesday <3

[Ensi]

It's been a productive damn day! I decided to roll with whatever punches the day would throw at me, and got going. I got some insight to the dating angst, and then I cleaned my bike, which was nice. Then I was full of restless energy, so I decided to do a workout (25 minutes)!

 

• SQUATS: 15 (bodyweight) - 15 (7,5 kg kb) - 15 (same) - 10 (same)
• KNEE PUSH-UPS: 10 - 8 - 8

 

• COMBO x 3 (quick pace):

1. CRUNCHES: 20
2. DONKEY KICKS: 20

 

• KETTLEBELL CIRCUIT x 3

1. 20 SINGLE-HANDED FORWARD SWINGS (10 kg)
2. 20 FORWARD SWINGS (10 kg)
3. 10 FIGURE-8's (10 kg)
4. 20 DEADLIFTS (16 kg)

 

Aaand then I was starting to be done  So... I'm now squatting with a kettlebell, and I replaced rows with knee push-ups. I left Bird Dog out, and instead, I did a quick-paced combo of crunches and donkey kicks. Then I was still somewhat restless, so I came up with a kettlebell circuit to end the workout. That way I could keep the deadlifts, too  I think I'm going to keep this workout for this month, it made me push myself! I'm curious to see, how much progress I can make with push-ups... I paid extra attention to my posture. I might not get as many as I would by doing them "dirty", but I really want to learn do them properly

 

Work was nice. Cute Tutor liked the idea I had for the language books. Some people were pretty discouraging, but I thought about Ron Swanson and how he would react to the negativity :'D CT and I worked the idea a bit further, and I think we made it even better: we will start keeping a list of books we could recommend for students. I left home at 8 PM, and biked a longer way home. The chain of the bike came off, though, so I need to adjust it tomorrow. Whoops :'D Luckily I was already nearly back at Fort Foxy when it came off...!

 

Food was fine today. A lot of carbs, especially sweet potato, but also bacon and chicken <3__<3 ALSO, Shark Week started. This explains a lot of my angst  I'm one week early, though. I think the stress from internship and changing the way I eat and exercise have affected the cycle, but I'm feeling fine, so I'm not worried about it. I have a long week ahead of me (I'm working on Saturday, too), so it's time to rest and do some gentle exercise for a couple of days - I'd like to do this workout again on Friday morning, that's when I have another evening shift

[Ensi]

I'm listening to Gipsy Kings, and I remember how back in high school I wanted to study Spanish and travel the world and end up in bizarre places (the sound of Spanish guitar has the weirdest effect on me). I remember my cousin and I watched Kill Bill and ate chicken with noodles, and I wanted to study more languages and get good at martial arts. I don't know why, but I want to put these things back into my mind  The feeling of travelling, and thinking how adventurous, beautiful and weird life could be kept me going back then. And now it kinda is!

 

 

Work was good, and I fixed the bike chain. I did the smart thing and focused on rest today! I listened to the Fearless Rebelle Radio's podcast about trusting your own body and did some stretching while listening. Calm stretching felt incredibly good x__x I went for an evening walk, and now I'm just lying in bed. I have another evening shift tomorrow, so I can stay up late  It feels great to rest today, since my legs and shoulders really feel the workout I did yesterday (which is good!). It's definitely been a rest day with some introvert pampering, and I'm happy to just lay in bed and have fun. It's a good day to be alive <3

[Ensi]

I was feeling slightly under the weather in the morning, but figured out that it was just Shark Week Symptoms. So, morning's workout:

 

• 35 minutes of power yoga
• Knee push-ups: 8 - 7 - 7 - 7
• Bird dogs: 10 per side x 3 (no pauses)
• cool-down

 

That would be.... *mathing* 3 push-ups more than in my previous workout (10 - 8 - 8).

 

 

I paid extra attention to my form and keeping my fingers pointing forward / slightly out in order to keep my elbows close to my sides. I also stayed mindful about my core and keeping my body straight from head to the knees (tucked my "tail" in, activated the core). I tried to find the balance between effort and ease: staying focused, yet relaxed.

 

I have a lot to learn! I've done push-ups in a very different form before, and I'm only now paying proper attention to getting the technique right. I used to be so impatient, wanting to do as many as possible as soon as possible, so I didn't really care about the form, but only about the amount of push-ups I could do. Now I think it's more about wanting to actually get better, instead of just being able to say "yeah I can do this many push-ups!"  I also hope that building up more upper body strength will help me do more advanced yoga postures.

 

not quite here yet...

 

 

Post-workout meal was a couple of falafel balls, a small piece of pizza and turkey cold cuts with cheese and ketchup. I put them in the microwave, and ohhhh pizza and those turkey cold cuts with melted cheese were delicious x__x I read my first post of this thread , and it was nice to reflect on the fact that I'm no longer afraid of eating. I don't think about the carbs or calories when I eat, and I find that I'm doing my best to eat healthy meals. It's just that the Number Circus has stopped, and I enjoy food and I eat until I'm satisfied. And I cannot stress enough just how wonderful it is to have energy. I haven't had this much energy in years!! Yesterday, I was tired after work, but after some rest I went to fix the bike chain, and then went for an evening walk. I'm no longer a zombie in the evenings. 

 

So, another evening shift ahead of me. Let's make this a good day!

[Ensi]

I realized yesterday that I'm nervous about the internship ending, and scared that I won't find a job after it. The symptoms: I've started to look around for jobs, further education possibilities, and felt anxious. It goes something like, "I'm not sure how I'm going to make money next month, and I'm afraid that my current education isn't enough to get me a job that pays the bills. People will think that I'm lazy and not trying hard enough if I can't find a job right away." This thought causes me a loooot of anxiety  I heard of a job position that would start next month, and it sounded like everything I'd like to do - but it's in a small town that I don't know, and I'm not really planning on leaving my current town or packing up Fort Foxy on such a short notice. I have a lot going on in here, and the idea of being ripped away and moving into a town where I know no one feels just too much right now. I told my friend, and she said, "OMG YOU ABSOLUTELY HAVE TO APPLY!!! YOU'RE SOOOO GETTING THAT JOB!!!" even though I just said that I don't really feel like leaving. So, I called Mom and talked about my thoughts, and she and Dad both said that I should sit back and focus on getting my thesis done, and completing my degree. Mom said that she understands completely that I'm nervous, but that she and Dad have my back, and they'll support and help me in any way they can.

 

 

I will be fine in the autumn. I have enough money, and it's only a matter of time when there will be a job opening in this town's library. And they need help weekly, so I can probably get a chance to work there even after my internship ends  Meanwhile, I could maybe take some time to relax after years of fighting to get my studies done, and get my illustration things going. I'm thinking of starting drawing a comic, as well. I'd also like to join Codecademy Pro, and build a web programming portfolio - with help and support, this time. Besides, the report on linguistic books I'm writing is almost done, and Cute Tutor is coming up with many ideas on how to use it! It could be useful not only for the librarians, but the students looking for books, as well. I'm happy that I came up with the idea, and actually said it out loud  But it as interesting to observe that there were people, who were enthusiastic and willing to work the idea further, AND people, who torpedoed it right away ("what's the point?", "well, if you want to do it, OK"). Guess which people are my #squadgoals?

 

Time to get another cup of coffee. Enjoy your Saturday!

 

Work was good yesterday, and I'm actually working today, as well! It's my first Saturday shift.

[Ensi]

I really liked this:

 

 

And now I'm planning a new challenge, this time in ASSASSINS! I've always wanted to be one (HERE ON NF, NOT IN REAL LIFE HAHA aha ha), but I've never made progress with my body weight exercises so I've figured that it's just not for me. BUT GUESS WHO STARTED TO EAT FOOD AND SEE PROGRESS?? I'm very excited to get better at body weight exercises, and I have a couple of food-related goals, as well. I finally believe that I can get where I want to with my training, and I actually want to create goals: I almost bought a couple of protein bars from the store, but then I remembered that I'd like to make my own protein bars to keep my food choices less processed. It felt good to remember this promise I had made for myself, and not buy the protein bars. That will be one of my goals for the next challenge

 

Mom and I talked a bit more on the phone, and I remember that exactly 11 months ago, I sat in a classroom. The semester had just began, and I felt so scared and nearly suicidal that I could barely hold myself together. It's been a good year, and I'm in a lot better place now. Time + effort = change. 

[Ensi]

HERE WE GOOOOO!