Working Through the Problem

[The Ox King]

Every day now feels like it ends in failure. I keep having great intentions on Monday and by Wednesday, I'm messed up. My general goal is to hit the gym 5 days a week, with 4 times being my minimum. Lately, it's been hard to just go 1 time a week. I know I always feel best when I get done with a workout, but I just feel blah.

Food has been okay, but yesterday I f'ed up. I ate pizza and brownies instead of my standard dinner (I mean, better than my old self, which would have eaten dinner too). Overall, I know it couldn't have been more than 1000 calories (haven't tracked it yet).

My downfall began in March. I reached 280, which was a huge milestone for me. It was the weight I graduated high school with. I slowed down from five days a week to three-four days/wk at the gym, and my meal plan relaxed a little bit to allow for whatever vegetables (rather than just broccoli) and to eyeball the chicken. I even let myself substitute the carb sometimes, for something else.

In May, I hit 250. That was another huge milestone. It was the weight my brother was. I felt that once I hit that weight I was not as abnormal in size and I no longer felt disgusting. My drive virtually dropped. I'm no longer odd. Sure, it'd be cool to reach sexy, but it's not as strong a drive as losing the "disgusting" self I was before. I'm still fat, but nowhere near where I was. I'm sticking mostly to the meal plan, but every day 200-400 extra calories slip in, cutting my deficit to nearly zero. This is bad.

Now, the interesting part is that each of these milestones also coincided with a week long trip. During these trips, I watched what I ate, but didn't worry about it much and certainly didn't work out. I lost about a pound a day. Part of that was being surrounded by people who expected me to eat little, and also eliminating my normal snack (basically dropping my calories from about 1800/day to 1100-1200/day, plus whatever exercise I did [a lot of walking]). When I got home, workouts were hard to complete. Not physically hard, but willpower was lacking. I felt like I'd lost the reason. Eventually, with my trainer (scheduled weekly, so I usually have to go. Messes me up when one of us has to cancel), I get mostly back on track, but always slightly less on track than previously.

Right now, I've got a girlfriend. I just started dating her about two weeks ago. I discussed it with her and she said she's excited to see me continue my growth (or loss). I thought that that'd be a drive for me, but I think it's countered by the fact that she's seen me without my shirt and she wasn't repelled. One of my big reasons for losing weight was to get a girlfriend, and here she is. I'm torn. Logically, I should keep going, but my mind is saying, "why? You're done. You hit your goals."

I've tried setting new goals multiple times, and they don't have the drive behind them that the "disgusting" and "repelling" self-image had, and thus I seem to fall off.

I know that the gym, for me, is a self-reinforcing habit. The "pump" I feel and progress I see (via weights of bench press/deadlifts/squats) push me to keep going, but when I take a break, it's hard to keep going. It starts off by skipping a day for homework, teleconference, or family event. Then another event, and another, and so on until I haven't been to the gym for 10 days.

Logically, I see the benefits: increased mood and sex drive, physical strength increase, better posture and breathing, etc.

I'm just back to having trouble getting to the gym.

My other issue, which is probably the same issue, is priority. Right now, I'm in my final semester of this degree. It's intense. It means two hours of homework. Currently, due to my time schedule I can only do meal prep, exercise, relaxation, OR homework in a night. Homework is priority (final semester and all). I keep telling myself that I can balance it all, but what if I can't? Homework, girlfriend, working out, other friends, family, meal prep, boxing, etc. It's too much, but I don't see any of them as being something I can drop. I considered dropping one of my classes, but I've already paid for it, and would lose that ($1500 per class!). Plus I'd be screwing my teammates and would push graduation (and thus a big pay raise) back a semester. I'm really into my girlfriend, so I don't want to give her up. Working out maintains my depression avoidance. Friends have already fallen by the wayside and family isn't doing much better. Boxing is off and on. Meal prep is done. That's the one thing I haven't changed, even if I don't always eat what I prepare. I listen to Steve Kamb's book and he says that it's a matter of priority, not time, but look at my list. There's nothing that I can give up that I haven't already.

The only solution I see is pushing the Reset button. This means revamping my schedule such that I workout in the morning, I emphasize my eating, I talk to my girlfriend less (or at the gym via phone), give my evening to homework, and go to bed really early. I can still allocate one day/week to boxing.

Looking at it, it's a simple solution. I've tried over and over to do it, but this time I think I'm forced into a corner. I have to stick with it, despite (ugh) mornings. I think I found my solution.