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Teros 35: Burn It All


Teros

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Although the next challenge doesn't start in about 12 days, I don't care.  I'm writing something right now, before my soul-crushing Field Experience class starts.  I don't even know if I *should* be posting about this right now, since my state of mind is fuzzy.  I've eaten a bag of orange vanilla gummy bears which tasted horrible (but I ate them anyways because I have an addiction) and I've also eaten two bags of other crap.  I can't even remember.  I feel like I'm a drunk who is posting this minute.  I'm not sober in the slightest.  Maybe I'm like Dustin Hoffman eating a burger on the bathroom floor, only in text form instead of video...

 

-While having attention from 4 women is great and I'm able to get my rocks off in a number of ways, it's also incredibly demanding and stressful.  I have emotions concerning each of them, not to mention I also feel very close to someone online and I'm unsure of how to *handle* that.  I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings, but for the first time in my life: I have to be the bad guy.  I don't enjoy the fact that I'm going to hurt a minimum of 4 people in the near future, so I keep pushing that in the back of my brain.

 

-Regarding social work, while getting praise and being good at my internship is fantastic, the sheer amount of dull boredom and repetitiveness is driving me insane.  It's bureaucratic horseshit.  I'm so tired of "learning" (I use that with heavy quotes) that I shouldn't fuck my clients.  Did you know you shouldn't fuck your clients?  Really? Did you know you shouldn't fuck your clients?  Make sure you know NOT to fuck your clients.  If I've heard it once, I've heard it 50 million times: stop fucking clients, please.  I also get to hear about how I shouldn't judge people.  Look, I don't care if you're young, old, rich, poor, if you have substance abuse problems, have physical disabilities, learning disabilities, mental disabilities, any sort of handicap, are white, black, asian, or whatever background. I don't care about your bias, your political beliefs, your gender, your sex, who you want to fuck, or the multitude of other defining factors and labels that people put on each other. I simply don't care.  I'm not judging anyone.  Everyone deserve a baseline amount of respect because everyone is a human that has had a rough time in life. No one is perfect: me included.  So to hear on a daily basis that I need to stop judging people isn't merely dull, boring, and repetitive: it's downright fucking INSULTING and DEGRADING to my intelligence.  I'm going into a field of compassion and empathy, and I might be doing one of the hardest internships that was listed (going to the streets on the 'bad side of town' to connect with the homeless population where mental issues, physical issues, drug use, and violence are common) and I'm doing fine with it.  Stop telling me to not fuck my clients.  Stop telling me to check my bias.  Stop telling me to be 'culturally aware'.  Stop telling me about 'empowerment' and 'strength's based approach'.  Stop telling me about 'rape culture'.  Stop telling me to use the NASW Code of Ethics.  http://www.socialworkers.org/PUBS/CODE/CODE.ASP  Please. I'm begging you.  I need to learn something.  I needed to hear each of these things only once, not hundreds of times spanning multiple years.  Please stop saying this over and over.  This doesn't come across as learning: this comes across as constant brainwashing and I'm tired of it.  All the years and times said will not force me to have empathy or love people:

 

I do that already because I'm a caring human being.

 

I'm sorry but if you aren't that before getting into the profession, then you shouldn't be there.  You don't deserve it.

 

-Food just totally sucks. The fact that 3 out of 4 women are vegetarian makes eating paleo near-impossible.  I want a burger and some veggies.  They want pasta and cheese.  I want ground turkey and peppers.  They want rice and beans.  By the way, all of the vegetarians are overweight and don't know *why* they are.  Maybe because in your effort to not eat meat, you relying on pizza is a bad idea - hence you have 0 muscle mass and are soft and weak?

Image result for house shrug

 

Lettuce with sugary dressing isn't a meal, and you shouldn't give yourself 'treats'.  You're not a fucking dog.

 

Concerning this, I'm doing horrible.  The intake of sugar and carbs from them rubs off on me and then I continually go off the rails.  This will be addressed *TODAY*.

 

-Exercise is going fairly well.  I do my MMA class and I kick ass at it.  I do my walks and I also have my internship which includes roaming the streets for hours at a time.  This is solid, but could use some improvement after I get my eating under control.

 

-Work is just fine and dandy and there's nothing bad going on.  In fact, I actually have a couple of friends that think I'm awesome.  Seeing as how I've been at this job for 10 years and only in the past 3 months have friends is mindblowing.  The manager thinks I'm a good guy and tells me that I'm good at what I do.  I have coworkers that joke around with me when they run into me.  The cute girl at the florist area chats with me from time to time.  Despite this, I'm ready to move on.  I want a new job in the very near future that is doing something with substance.  Like with school, I feel like I'm spinning my wheels and not actually accomplishing anything.  I need a challenge.  I feel like a bored lonely genius on a hill with nothing no nefarious evil schemes to work on.

 

 -

 

So this is the state of me right now.  With these varying pieces, I need some sort of challenge to awaken my brain.  I'm in a constant fog of work, school, internship, and women.  I need to put things in place.  Last challenge, I started writing out what I was doing in a schedule and I realized that I'm royally fucked.  This challenge I think I need something different but I don't know what.  I know the first step though.

 

Step 1) For the next 3 days, I'm swearing off of anything not whole30.  I don't care what woman I'm with: this is non-negotiable.  I will do a food shopping tomorrow to make sure I have some stuff to eat.

 

This brings me to July 1st and I'll hopefully be thinking a little more clearly so I can figure out step 2.  I'm late for class so I need to go.

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Detox is a bitch.

 

I mentioned that I had the last of that junk yesterday.  Today has been a nightmare with my detox.  I've felt edgy all day, but it has really ramped up since about 4pm.

 

I got home from my internship at 4pm and I needed to do some homework.  I was tired. I had just moved a client's whole apartment full of stuff to a different apartment.  The people that were helping me were half my size and had 0 muscle mass.  When a person thinks it's a '2-person job' to move a fucking endtable that is only 2 feet wide, there's a problem.  Because of this, I was the coordinator and lifter of the bed, boxspring, bureaus, couch, and more.  It didn't help that the person trying to get the client's stuff out of the first apartment was raging drunk and was fighting with the furniture, so I had to not only do the lifting in that encounter, but actively *stop* him from knocking all the pictures off the walls and smashing shit into the corners.  This is so much harder than it sounds.

 

Anyways, I get home and I'm antsy.  My lower back hurts.  All I want to do is eat some cheese or candy and go to bed.

 

DETOX

 

Something to note about me and detoxing: I go insane.  Like, my brain simply can't cope not having sugar.  It's like someone on a bad trip, only I'm more in control of my physical faculties.

 

So I'm laying on my bed and wanting junk food and gradually my brain starts turning that frustration into cabin fever.  I have the intense urge to leave.

 

I want to leave the room

I want to leave the house

I want to leave this state

I want to leave this country

 

I'm pacing around and feeling angry and like I'm going to snap at someone if they were around.  Visions of chicken nuggets dance in my head.  Then I think about taco bell and I want to puke.  My body and brain are not stable.  I make random pained faces. I grunt a lot.  I will talk out loud to myself.  I will contradict what I just said mere seconds later.  I'm trying to get across that I'm a fucking MESS when I detox.

 

I'm looking at my phone and I realize that my buddy had messaged me. I text him back.  I tell him how I feel and what I want to do.  I will paraphrase myself because I wrote the following over the next 20 minutes:

 

'Do you ever want to just break into a place? I want to spraypaint a bunch of things and jump a fence.  I want to throw out all of the lady options and just try different people from scratch. I want to go hiking.  And I want to play tennis.  Why does no one want to play fucking tennis with me?  I want to play badminton.  And I want to fuck in public.  I want to break into old abandoned places and fuck there as well, and I want a woman to be extremely physically aggressive with me.  I want a woman to smack me in the face as hard as possible, pull my hair around like a little bitch and dig her nails into my back, and I want to toss her around like a ragdoll, pin her to the wall, bite down on the curve of her neck, and go to town with her legs wrapped around me and me holding her up.  I want her to give me bruising and I want to give it to her too.  I want to spank her ass bright red and leave a mark for days.  I want to get a bunch of paint and a canvas the size of a mattress and cover myself and a woman in different paints and play around with them, and then fuck on the canvas and make abstract art on top.  I want to take a train ride and just go SOMEWHERE.  I don't even care where.  And I want to paint, and drink, and break plates.  I want to break everything.  I want to get into a barfight with someone and for them to break a beer bottle and scratch my face with it so I get a wicked awesome-looking scar that looks badass.  I want to beat the bar-fight person to the ground and hear the wet smacking thud of my knuckles against their face.  I want to snort a line of coke off a stripper's ass and I want to try mushrooms.  I want to take some molly and go to a dance club for 12 hours straight.  I want to go to a different country and see *everything*.  I especially want to see different art and architecture. I saw a cop today at the coffee place and all I could think of was grabbing the gun out of its holster and running away with it.  I feel like an animal.  A savage animal that's caged and is pacing side to side across the metal bars and just waiting.'

 

I say all of this.  I'm told that I probably have an addictive personality and that I can't do coke in a club because it's not the 80's anymore.

 

This is how I'm feeling right now, despite my eyes burning from being tired.  I should go to bed but my brain is on fire right now. It's probably burning the last of the fumes from the sugar in a desperate attempt to function.  I simultaneously want to fuck, cry, and beat something to death.  I feel like killing someone and cuddling someone.

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I have no idea what today will bring but I'm sort of dreading it.  I didn't finish the homework that I need to get done for my internship because I don't know HOW to.  I sent my advisor an email saying that I need to meet with him this evening, after the group meeting. 

 

I'm not mellowed out at all.  I feel this immediate spike in depression, then anxiety, then manic euphoria.  It's like being bi-polar only the episodes last an hour instead of days/weeks.  One hour I feel like a complete failure at everything in life.  The next hour, I'm reveling in all the good things that are happening and I tell myself that I have my shit together.  Later on, I dip again and feel like a failure.

 

Sugar addiction is a real thing.  I don't give a shit what anyone else thinks or feels about it. The sensitivity that I have to it is akin to any other person with an addiction and withdrawal.  Just like someone that drinks 3x cups of coffee a day suddenly quitting cold turkey - they would be a fucking disaster.  That's where I'm at. 

 

But I fucking SWEAR that I will get through this detox.  I've tried weening myself off before and I make some progress but eventually snap back.  I'm doing this cold turkey and it's ridiculously hard but I've done it before.  I'll do it again.  I just need to keep telling myself that I'm not going to give in.

 

 

The only way that I've ever made any progress is by taking the hardest route possible.  I know that according to NF policy and all that jazz, you need to make 'incremental steps to build healthy habits' or something, but this hasn't worked for me my entire life when I've tried it.  That method fails.  I'm a light-switch: I'm either [OFF] or [ON].  There's no [DIM] setting for me.

 

I have banned Youtube with something called 'LeechBlock'.  I had to disable it for 30 seconds while I looked up the link for the above youtube snippet.  It's back to being banned.  By banning youtube until 8pm, I won't keep loafing around there in the spare time that I have. I have a feeling that instead, I'll troll around on facebook.  Then I'll end up banning facebook for the same time-window but leaving it open during the weekends.  I'll see what happens. I made sort of a list last challenge but I need to put it here just so I visually see what I want to do and need to finish.

 

I barely even know what my priorities are.  How the fuck do people function in the world when there's too much shit to get done?

 

-Write BPD book report

-Write Criminal Psychology book reports

-Read the Neurofeedback book

-Write Neurofeedback book report

-Read/Learn massage techniques

-Write notes for techniques

-Post on NF challenge 3x week

-Finish 'Keeper' battlelog

-Finish Shadowrun story

-Post on other NF threads

-Write NF mini bingo chart

-Meet with JJ 1x week

-Meet with Vanna 1x week

-Meet with Jen 1x week

-Meet with Angel 1x week

-Batch cook 1x week

-MMA class 1x week

-School 2x week

-Work 3-4x week

-Internship 4x week

-School homework 1x week

-Internship homework 1x week

-Finish ocean poem

-Meet with Redhead once

-Meet with Giggles once

-Meet with Honey once

-Start BellMyst campaign

-Realms miniature world building

-Read Neuro books via Brown medical

-Reports on Neuro books via Brown medical

-Sort through my backpack full of stupid fucking papers

-Cleaning 1x week

-Interval jogging 1x week

-Learning instrument 3x week

-Copy all 30 notes to computer

-Copy all 40 scraps to computer

-Activate new phone

-Buy phone case

-Sort all bookmarks

-Sort all recovered files

 

My brain can't comprehend all the stuff that it wants to do, or needs to do. I'm serious: wtf should I be doing?

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I'm new around here (been lurking for a little while), but I just wanted to say good work and stick with it! Your above posts are very... I'm looking for the right work and I think intimate might be best. Quite a view of what is going on with you atm. It is inspiring and motivating. I will be posting my first challenge on the forums in the next couple days (still a bit of underpants collecting while I decide what exactly I want my goals to be), but I look forward to following this.
 

Detox sucks. I'm cutting out soda and sugars right now as well. It wasn't unusual for me to drink 3-5 sodas a day. Sugar addiction is totally a thing. I don't think I'm as sensitive to it as you. Hope you get to feeling better soon. 


As far as the to-do list, I like to put them all in a list with highest priority first and then just go down the list and check each one off and not touch the next until the previous one is done. i also try to combine similar jobs where possible. like these 2 could be combined on your list maybe. I find that it helps keep me on the task at hand without jumping around the list looking for other jobs to tackle and it lets me get more work done at each place when I am ready to work.

3 hours ago, Teros said:

-Post on NF challenge 3x week
-Post on other NF threads

3 hours ago, Teros said:

My brain can't comprehend all the stuff that it wants to do, or needs to do. I'm serious: wtf should I be doing?

Grouping them just seems to help me keep all my tasks in mind so even when I don't look at my list, I have a generally good idea of what else I need to be doing after I finish a job. 

  • Bullets make for great ways to group your tasks
    • and then use sub-bullets for combining tasks
      • you can also use the sub-bullets as handy places to keep any notes about the task if you need to.

 

That said, I'm not the best at following my own advice, but I find that this method often just gets me started on the list and that is often the hardest part. /shrug.
I just wanted to throw out how I tend to handle my to-do lists. GL on your challenge. 

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(1st) Challenge[B-], Current (2nd) Challenge

"Do the best you can, with what you have, where you are." - Theodore Roosevelt

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On 6/30/2017 at 0:32 PM, Sylvaa said:

Are you truly looking for advice or is that rhetorical? 

 

Because I'm a fan of breaking up tasks into time blocks. 

 

Not rhetorical.  I honestly don't know how to break up each thing without every day being from 5am-10pm nonstop, without thinking.  I also have other people involved and homework varies greatly so I have a hard time pinning those into block time forms.

 

On 6/30/2017 at 2:31 PM, Kalitraz said:

I think intimate might be best

 

I've always treated NF as a sort of journal.  I need to be brutally honest with myself all the time, every time.  Without brutal honesty, you can't look at something objectively.  And if you can't look at something objectively then you can't try to fix whatever it is.  The basis for who I am as a person is founded on the fact of Objective Truth instead of the extremely common (and flawed) Subjective Truth.  Welcome!  If you have questions about your challenge, feel free to send me a PM.

 

On 6/30/2017 at 2:31 PM, Kalitraz said:

I'm cutting out soda and sugars right now as well. It wasn't unusual for me to drink 3-5 sodas a day. Sugar addiction is totally a thing.

 

The struggle is real.  Yeah, I know that when people cut soda out cold turkey, they can get some bad withdrawals since soda is so sugar heavy.  If you go back to soda in a couple of months, it will have the consistency of cough syrup (is what I've been told).

 

On 6/30/2017 at 2:31 PM, Kalitraz said:

As far as the to-do list, I like to put them all in a list with highest priority first and then just go down the list and check each one off and not touch the next until the previous one is done.

 

Well it's a split for me because the things that are needed in life are: Work / School / Internship / Homework / Batch cooking / Exercise.  Everything else could be considered as 'lower priority'.  The problem is that if *all* I did was w/s/i/h/bc/e, then I would be miserable, go insane, and not be able to stick with it. So the 'lower priority' items are actually on a pretty close to even footing with the 'high priorities'; hence my problem.

 

 

On 6/30/2017 at 2:31 PM, Kalitraz said:

i also try to combine similar jobs where possible. like these 2 could be combined on your list maybe

 

Each will take some time and are completely unknown for the length.  One post that I make can sometimes take 2 hours.  Another one could take 15 minutes.  This factor is because of how much effort I am putting into it.  For instance, how I just looked up that clip from The Shining to illustrate a point.  I could have neglected that and shaved 2 minutes off.  Since I can't figure out how long anything *actually takes*, I don't know what I can get done in a timeframe.  Just like with homework:  maybe an hour.  Maybe 6.  A post might be a few minutes, might be over an hour.  Hanging out with a ladyfriend might be 2 hours, it might be 1.5 days (this *just* happened this weekend).

 

On 6/30/2017 at 2:31 PM, Kalitraz said:

GL on your challenge

 

Same. Let me know when it's up.

 

--------=---------=---------=---------=-

 

Thursday was Day1 of the detox. It was pretty rough.  I found myself extremely antsy.

 

Friday I wrote the last post and as the day progressed, I became more frustrated.  Frustration turned into anger.  And if I'm going to be blunt here: turned on.  Detox and switching to Whole30 does a serious overhaul on my libido.  Like, I consider myself to be 'normal' in how I feel but once detox and whole30 kick in, I feel double - triple the amount of libido.  Jen messages me and wants to know if I want to hang out.

 

Image result for dear god yes

 

I stop by her place and she's telling me about Dark Souls and we're snuggling and such.  She shows me her booty and what I did to it on Tuesday.  She really enjoys hard spanking.  She had a bruise on her cheek.  We go to the beach, she's driving.  I need to help her pick out a 'cute bottom' since she only has a swimsuit top.  We are at the beach for a bit and I confide to her how I've been feeling.  How I've been antsy, frustrated, and how I just want to be the 'bad guy'.  I tell her how I want to break into homes and sneak into public places and have sex. Her eyes could not have been more wide while I was telling this to her.  I can only describe her face as 'manic'.  She tells me that there's a graveyard a few blocks from her house and we could sneak in there, *do it*, and then sneak out.  I'm told that H.P. Lovecraft's tombstone is in this graveyard, although she's never found it.  She asks me more questions, like what I want to do *specifically* to her, like if I enjoy tying people up, choking, that sort of thing.  We have a very un-family-friendly conversation on the beach while children and sad parents are loafing around.  We go back to her place and I'm rough with her.  Rougher than ever before and she loved it.  I tell my bestie about this a couple hours later.  He asks me if I, "got it out of my system" (referring to how I was going insane and wanted to be rough).  I told him it helped a little bit.  I still felt antsy.  I leave Jen's place around 11pm or so.  I get home and pass out.

 

Saturday:  This is the big day.  If I can survive today without having junk, then the bulk of the physical detox will be over.  When doing a whole 30, it's by no means 'easy' on any of the days.  But I know that I feel almost delirious with cravings for the first few days.  I have other 'symptoms' to look forward to, like being extremely tired, or feeling bloated, or the weird nightmares that occur.  But at least with those, they are more... 'passive', I guess is the right word.  I just have to suffer through them.  The initial detox, my body is screaming at me to 'fix' it and 'alleviate' it with junk food.  After Saturday will suck, but it will be past the point of no return, in a sense.

 

With that, I wake up Saturday morning with a text from Nessa, saying the following:

  nessa%20booty_zpsqsqpmhps.jpg

 

(Does this picture load?)

nessa%20booty_zpsqsqpmhps.jpg

 

Thankfully she fell asleep.  We text a bit and then around noon, she tells me that her family is driving her nuts.  I offer for her to come over and vent about it.  She heads over and we talk in her car for a while.  She has work at 6pm.  I ask her why the hell we're in the hot car instead of hanging out on the couch with a damn fan on us. It's like 90 degrees.  This leads to snuggling on the couch.  She likes to sprawl so I have to shove her legs over so I can sit down.  I don't know what was said/done, but we end up in the bedroom for a couple of hours.  She ends up drifting off to sleep.  Then wakes up and wants to do *something*.  I tease her a lot and then we both realize that it's 5:40 and she's going to be late for work.  She rushes out....

 

...and Jen messages me and tells me that she's bored out of her mind and feels like she's in a funk.  She's sort of depressed and doesn't know what to do.  I say that I could come over and we could go for a walk.  She's excitedly messages back that she would be up for that.  I drive over and we start walking up the road and I bring up drinking.  She wants to walk around and drink but doesn't think she can.  We turn around and go the opposite direction to the liquor store.  She buys a 6-pack of these cherry seltzer alcoholic drinks.  We go to the Dollar Tree and she gets a couple of junk food items.

 

Ok Teros, moment of truth.  What am I going to do here?  I wasn't prepared food-wise for this.  As Jen is grabbing cherry twizzlers and stuff, I'm looking at what I could have.  I think to maybe if there's a trail mix, I could do that.  I see some hickory-smoked almond and some salted almonds.  [SAVED].  I get those and we grab some sparklers and head to her place.  I try a sip of seltzer and I don't like it (thankfully) and we watch some videos on youtube while eating snacks.  It's getting late and I'm figuring I should go home but all of the physical stuff with Nessa earlier plus the detox making my body think it's lacking any fuel source is a double-punch to me.  I start drifting to sleep while lying on Jen's thigh as we are watching youtube.  The next thing I know, the lights are off and she's snuggled her butt against me.

 

Nightmares.

 

The insane tiredness and nightmares usually don't start until day 7 or 8 into the detox.  Well lucky me, I get both 4 days early.  I think I sleep for a chunk of time, but then I have a nightmare where I can't scream. Jen is kneeling on the bed, near me, and I'm screaming and smacking her thigh.... or so I think.  I have no idea what's going on, just that I'm terrified and can't yell.  I feel this tightness in my throat like I was being choked.  I snap awake and Jen asks me if I'm ok.  I'm covered in a cold sweat and confused.  Breathing heavy, I stutter that I'll be fine.  I try to calm down.  It's after midnight.  I survived the 3-day main physical detox.  I fall back asleep.

 

Sunday: I wake up this morning around 7 or so.  Jen sleeps like a log and I slink past her.  An hour later she wakes up and she's hungry.  We go to whole foods and I get a stockpile of sausages, eggs, a small broccoli quiche slice, ham slice, etc.  Meats and meats and meats and some balsamic mushrooms.  It was a feast.  We go back to her place and she's showing me stuff in Dark Souls.  The fact that she loves this game but totally sucks at it can NOT be explained in words.  It's like if a little kid was trying to teach you how to play a game.  It comes off so innocent and excited.  That's how she talks about killing undead and fighting a hydra to get Dark Souls DLC.  10:30am rolls around and she has a beach animal party that her friend invited her to and she's supposed to go. She also has to study for her test for her new job.  I give her a kiss and head back home, where I do some batch cooking, laundry, cleaning, and look over homework for a bit.  I MAKE SO MUCH MEAT!

Related image

 

allthismeat_zpsdrhtakjw.jpg

 

 

 

That's a solid block of chicken on top of a bed of more chicken.  I eat 2 mega-cans of tuna fish and a bag of sweet potato chips.  The mega cans are 12 oz, so I think that's like eating 8 of the 'normal' sized cans of tuna.  I'm so exhausted right now. Looks like I got through day #4.

 

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9 hours ago, Teros said:

I'm so exhausted right now. Looks like I got through day #4.

 

Well...that's good, right? Sounds like a lot happened in just a few days, but you're being strong and sticking to your goals (in spite of the horngry and hangry troubles and the nightmares).

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Who am I? -- My NF Character

Current Challenge: WolfDreamer Embraces His Wild Poet

Past Challenges: 

Spoiler

Winter is ComingWolfen Strengthens His Heart, Body, Mind, and Spirit, Wolfen Becomes One of the PeopleWolfen Strengthens His ChakrasWolfen Welcomes Summer and Gets Primal, Soulcon and Spartan, Wolfen Develops Mental ToughnessWolfen Joins the Wander SocietySoulcon, Spartan, School, and Stranger ThingsWolfen Becomes a Warrior EliteWolfen Goes Here and There and Back AgainWolfen Becomes a Soulcon Warrior EliteWolfen Returns to His RootsWolfen Wanders in Soul, Spirit, and BodyWolfen Owns the DayWolfen Searches for His Wild Heart, Wolfen Runs for His LifeWolfen Hits the TrailsWolfen Becomes an Explorer and Joins the ResistanceWolfen Goes Back to the SourceWolfen Begins the Hero's JourneyWolfDreamer Returns to the People,  WolfDreamer Pushes BackWolfDreamer PrioritizesBurpees, Books, and BrainworkBurpees, Books, Brainwork, and BodyworkWolfDreamer Masters the Four ElementsWolfDreamer Continues to Master the Four ElementsWolfDreamer Returns to SpartaWolfDreamer Returns to Middle EarthWolfDreamer Continues His Middle Earth AdventureWolfDreamer and the FallWolfDreamer Forges His Own PathWolfDreamer Has HopeWolfDreamer Returns to Middle EarthWolfDreamer Reads Harder, Breathes Harder, and Journals More

I'd rather sing one wild song and burst my heart with it, than live a thousand years watching my digestion and being afraid of the wet.” -- Jack London

“I wanted movement and not a calm course of existence. I wanted excitement and danger and the chance to sacrifice myself for my love.” -- Leo Tolstoy

"I feel love rising in my chest again
Rising like a burning sun into the day..." -- Gungor, "Hurricane"

"...wherever the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom." 2 Corinthians 3:17b

 

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10 hours ago, Teros said:

Not rhetorical.  I honestly don't know how to break up each thing without every day being from 5am-10pm nonstop, without thinking.  I also have other people involved and homework varies greatly so I have a hard time pinning those into block time forms.

 

I get this! IMO figuring out a weekly schedule would be your best bet. Figure out what you HAVE to do (i.e. your school, work, internship) and then figure out how much time you have left for the rest of it. Your time blocks don't have to be specific, so you could have a homework time block and do whatever is due first or what you want to do first. If it were me (because I have issues that way), I would figure out what I need to accomplish each week to stay on task for my school stuff. 

 

Based on your recent challenges, I think the hardest thing for you is going to be balancing hanging out with all of the things on your list. I know this is harder to plan, because you don't know what their schedule is going to be. I don't think it would be unreasonable to tell people you can't hang out at the last minute. Obviously, there might be exceptions, but it does seem like you respond at a moment's notice to text and I'm wondering if that's the best strategy going forward. 

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4 hours ago, Sylvaa said:

I'm wondering if that's the best strategy going forward. 

 

Wise words from a wise lady. Listen to her @Teros. She has a point (several, actually).

  • Like 1

Who am I? -- My NF Character

Current Challenge: WolfDreamer Embraces His Wild Poet

Past Challenges: 

Spoiler

Winter is ComingWolfen Strengthens His Heart, Body, Mind, and Spirit, Wolfen Becomes One of the PeopleWolfen Strengthens His ChakrasWolfen Welcomes Summer and Gets Primal, Soulcon and Spartan, Wolfen Develops Mental ToughnessWolfen Joins the Wander SocietySoulcon, Spartan, School, and Stranger ThingsWolfen Becomes a Warrior EliteWolfen Goes Here and There and Back AgainWolfen Becomes a Soulcon Warrior EliteWolfen Returns to His RootsWolfen Wanders in Soul, Spirit, and BodyWolfen Owns the DayWolfen Searches for His Wild Heart, Wolfen Runs for His LifeWolfen Hits the TrailsWolfen Becomes an Explorer and Joins the ResistanceWolfen Goes Back to the SourceWolfen Begins the Hero's JourneyWolfDreamer Returns to the People,  WolfDreamer Pushes BackWolfDreamer PrioritizesBurpees, Books, and BrainworkBurpees, Books, Brainwork, and BodyworkWolfDreamer Masters the Four ElementsWolfDreamer Continues to Master the Four ElementsWolfDreamer Returns to SpartaWolfDreamer Returns to Middle EarthWolfDreamer Continues His Middle Earth AdventureWolfDreamer and the FallWolfDreamer Forges His Own PathWolfDreamer Has HopeWolfDreamer Returns to Middle EarthWolfDreamer Reads Harder, Breathes Harder, and Journals More

I'd rather sing one wild song and burst my heart with it, than live a thousand years watching my digestion and being afraid of the wet.” -- Jack London

“I wanted movement and not a calm course of existence. I wanted excitement and danger and the chance to sacrifice myself for my love.” -- Leo Tolstoy

"I feel love rising in my chest again
Rising like a burning sun into the day..." -- Gungor, "Hurricane"

"...wherever the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom." 2 Corinthians 3:17b

 

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I'm currently taking a break from working on my casework policy paper on intervention plans for people with abuse/trauma.  Very light reading...

 

Topics:

-Food

-Exercise

-School

-Internship

-People

-Self-care

 

Food- I've tried to stick pretty close.  Small fuckups but I haven't gone off the rails and crashed horribly.  I weighed myself the other day and I'm stagnant which is better than gaining at this stage in the game.  I'm pissed at myself but I can't be that hard on myself considering the crap I'm dealing with (read on).

 

Exercise- I have been doing awesome at my MMA class until I sprained my left foot.  Trying to not let depression settle in.  I can do some small walking without it hurting so that's what I'm doing.  Went for a couple mile walk yesterday and felt fine.  I plan on doing a couple more walks this week.

 

School- Like I stated above, doing homework.  It's fine...I guess.

 

Internship- Feeling some burnout with this because I don't feel like I'm doing enough.  I'm trying to keep things in perspective: I can't fix everything and everyone ELSE is burning themselves out.  It creates this issue where I feel bad about *not* being a fucking mess like all of my classmates.  Compared to everyone else, I'm actually doing pretty fucking good and I need to keep that in mind.

 

People- I'll try to keep this brief.

 

A) Angel: She texted me and told me she needed to have a serious talk with me.  *dread* She comes over and tells me that she's moving in August/September once someone takes over the lease for the apartment.  She's moving back home.  I feel sick to my stomach.  She says she needs to get everything else in her life fixed before she can handle a relationship.  She needs to go back to school, get a better job, and get into a good groove for herself.  I talk about her moving meaning there's no future with us.  According to her, there might be after I graduate and we can figure out where to move to together. In other words, we're going to see each other a bunch for the next month and then after that, I'll see her twice a month if I'm lucky, and there's no chance in hell that there will *actually* be a relationship with us.  MAYBE in TWO YEARS?  The odds are 0.00001% here.  It's over.

 

B.) JJ: Mere days after the Angel thing, I go to the Tarantino Project, which seems like an art show that is inspired by Quentin Tarantino films. Since none of the other women even watch movies, JJ was an obvious choice to go since I was interested.  It was uh.... not about art.  There was a crossdressing dude that did a dance and all the women screamed like banshees.  Then a comedian told jokes about her vagina and people were talking over her so she excused herself early from her set.  Then we had a bunch of women dressed in Kill Bill outfits start doing strip-teases.  Lastly, we had a model-runway-clothes-walk-thingy.  And this picture I took was during a strip-tease.  It's a recreation of the Mia Wallace overdose scene in Pulp Fiction:

 

Tarantino Project.jpg

 

I tell JJ about the other women and how I'm just a clusterfuck.  I text her as I'm driving back home and say I can't feel intense emotions for people anymore because I'm terrified of abandonment so if I feel 'meh' about people, them leaving won't hurt as much.  Her response was...

 

"The same thing has happened to me but I still tend to lead with my Heart.  And as we've spent time together *seeing what would happen* I have developed strong feelings for you.  I think about you all the time when you're not here.  I still get excited when you text me or when I know I'm going to see you.  I do love you and I'm not going anywhere."

 

This... somehow hurts worse than what Angel said a couple days prior.  Because the fact is that I love JJ ... like I love other people in my life.  I'm not *in love* with her.  I don't know what to do.  I tell her there's other people and her response is this?  I wanted her to have some distance from me, not get CLOSER.  *sigh*  I see 'love' as something more universal in my sense.  I love all the women I'm talking to. I love people on NF.  I don't know what to do.  I was honest and it backfired on me. 

 

Welp, 2 people situation are now a mess. What else?  Let's make it three!

 

C) Jenny: I'm told by Jenny that she needs to tell me something serious.  Oh Christ, now what?  She went to a BDSM convention and met a guy and he's very adamant about being monogamous.  She said that she was dreading telling me this but she thinks she wants to try with him.  This is despite just 2 weeks ago her telling me that she wanted to (IN HER WORDS) 'slut it up a little bit' and that she "might never be the same" after getting out of her abusive relationship from February.  I told her how I felt and was feeling for her.  I haven't spoken to her since.  We were supposed to hang out Saturday until *that* shit happened.

 

3 for 3.  This reinforces the thing I said to JJ.  I liked Angel the most? Gone.  I liked Jenny pretty damn much? Gone.  I feel 'meh' about JJ? Wants to be with me.  Why is this fucking happening?

 

D) Nessa:  She started using more......dating....terminology.  *sigh*

 

E) Others: After cutting down from 21 people to just 4, and now 2 of those 4 being gone and the other 2 falling for me when I don't want it; I feel it's time to go back to the drawing board.  I went on the site and saw I had a few messages so I replied back.  I also saw a couple people that I liked months ago who were back on so I messaged them too.  Fuck it.  I don't expect any of this to work out and I'm burned out.  I simply want a woman-friend to snuggle with.  I don't want a relationship.  I don't want sex.  I don't want love.  I can't handle it.  I want to not feel lonely and abandoned. 

 

Self-Care- I hung out with a couple of GUY friends on Saturday night.  There was talk of a strip club but someone didn't have money and I said bluntly that I'm not going.  Instead we went to Red Robin and I had water and ate 4 french fries, as well as played some videogames.  Somehow I felt worse after that, because the guys kept talking about women, which meant I had to rehash the past week to them and get some 'advice' that I never asked for.  I would like to say that the guy advice that I get is complete horseshit.  There's a reason I cut out the majority of people in my life: they're boring.  We sat in silence as each of them were on their phones.  This is why I deleted a bunch of people.  It felt awkward waiting for them to talk about something, anything.  There's no...depth to them.  It was frustrating.  I would rather strike up a conversation with a total stranger and learn about a person instead of sitting and doing nothing.  Oh, and then I get told by the guys that the waitress isn't making eye contact with me and that she likes me so I should say something to her.  Really?  She probably gets hit on every fucking day.  I'm not doing that.  I didn't bother.  Instead I went home and went to bed.  Maybe that should be my self-care: just staying the fuck away from people.

 

Phoenix Day is in a couple of weeks.

Related image
 
Let me be honest; I feel that I don't have NF anymore and I haven't for a couple of years.  I'm not on here, commenting on anyone's threads because I just am so zoned out in life.  I deleted the majority of people off of Facebook.  I'm deleting a shitload of contacts off my phone.  Barring the people I'm forced to talk to from work/school/internship and the few people online that I chat with, my circle of people I interact with could be counted on one hand.  I have such a strong urge to run away and never come back.  I hate the colors of these walls.  I hate the clothes that I'm wearing.  I hate the people situations that I'm dealing with.  I hate work, school, internship, homework.  I want to burn it all to the ground again.
 
Maybe I need to ritualistically destroy myself every single year in order to build myself back up again because every year, I'm finding that I'm someone a little bit different.  Right now, right this second, I have an urge in my hands to throw out my videogame systems.  My wii, my ps3, my ps2, my xbox360, my xbox original, my old alienware, my dvds, games.  *UGH* Christ I might take a personal day tomorrow with how fucking antsy I am right now. 
 
How the fuck do people live with things being comfortable?  A wife, a child, a pet, an apartment/house, a job, watching tv, wanting to see a new movie.  Feeling content with life.  How do people do it?  How does someone never change their hairstyle for a decade or never change their fashion or never change their surroundings or people they are around?  How do people stay stagnant?
 
I need to get out.
 
Everything about this summer has shown that things are leading up to Phoenix Day.  The loss, whether intentional or not, is gnawing at me and it feels fitting.  The more I lose, the less I care about what I still have left.
 
I just called Monroe and left a message. I need to know what happened to her.  I've put it off for weeks because I've been nervous about calling so I just went ahead and did it right now.  I hope I get a response.



*Edit* And I went ahead and asked to see if the waitress from last night was in.  She worked earlier in the day but wasn't on tonight. 

  • Like 2
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20 hours ago, Teros said:

How the fuck do people live with things being comfortable?  A wife, a child, a pet, an apartment/house, a job, watching tv, wanting to see a new movie.  Feeling content with life.  How do people do it?  How does someone never change their hairstyle for a decade or never change their fashion or never change their surroundings or people they are around?  How do people stay stagnant?

 

I don't happen to consider most of these things to be "stagnant" since my wife and children can all be quite unpredictable (especially my children). For me, it is a spiritual adventure. I happen to believe there is a battle raging both inside and outside of me and it's threatening my friends and family. So, as a warrior I need to be constantly vigilant and on guard. Each day I slay dragons and most of the time I win. I defeat anger, I defeat bitterness, I defeat laziness, I defeat lust for women other than my wife (who continues to enamor me every day, as if we were still giggling young lovers). I'm never complacent because I always have something to do. I never seen the same sunrise or sunset twice, the river in which I swim (literally and figuratively) is ever-changing because the water and the lifeforms inside it are always moving, always flowing, always changing.

 

On the other hand, I don't watch much TV, and I have to be in the mood to sit through an entire movie

 

I know domestic life is not for everybody, but if you do it right it's definitely not "stagnant."

  • Like 3

Who am I? -- My NF Character

Current Challenge: WolfDreamer Embraces His Wild Poet

Past Challenges: 

Spoiler

Winter is ComingWolfen Strengthens His Heart, Body, Mind, and Spirit, Wolfen Becomes One of the PeopleWolfen Strengthens His ChakrasWolfen Welcomes Summer and Gets Primal, Soulcon and Spartan, Wolfen Develops Mental ToughnessWolfen Joins the Wander SocietySoulcon, Spartan, School, and Stranger ThingsWolfen Becomes a Warrior EliteWolfen Goes Here and There and Back AgainWolfen Becomes a Soulcon Warrior EliteWolfen Returns to His RootsWolfen Wanders in Soul, Spirit, and BodyWolfen Owns the DayWolfen Searches for His Wild Heart, Wolfen Runs for His LifeWolfen Hits the TrailsWolfen Becomes an Explorer and Joins the ResistanceWolfen Goes Back to the SourceWolfen Begins the Hero's JourneyWolfDreamer Returns to the People,  WolfDreamer Pushes BackWolfDreamer PrioritizesBurpees, Books, and BrainworkBurpees, Books, Brainwork, and BodyworkWolfDreamer Masters the Four ElementsWolfDreamer Continues to Master the Four ElementsWolfDreamer Returns to SpartaWolfDreamer Returns to Middle EarthWolfDreamer Continues His Middle Earth AdventureWolfDreamer and the FallWolfDreamer Forges His Own PathWolfDreamer Has HopeWolfDreamer Returns to Middle EarthWolfDreamer Reads Harder, Breathes Harder, and Journals More

I'd rather sing one wild song and burst my heart with it, than live a thousand years watching my digestion and being afraid of the wet.” -- Jack London

“I wanted movement and not a calm course of existence. I wanted excitement and danger and the chance to sacrifice myself for my love.” -- Leo Tolstoy

"I feel love rising in my chest again
Rising like a burning sun into the day..." -- Gungor, "Hurricane"

"...wherever the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom." 2 Corinthians 3:17b

 

Link to post

I met someone earlier tonight and I really like them.  Much much more than anyone else that I've talked to in a long time.  The problem is that I think I blew it.  I don't know what I did wrong.  It might have been that I was nervous and couldn't stop talking. If this person talks to me again, it might be a miracle.

 

For some reason, when I accept how I feel, things end up changing.  I tell myself that I should be feeling ____X_____ thing and then I decide that is the route that I should go.  Every time that I've felt that I can't bother with a relationship, I feel that maybe, just maybe, I'm wrong.  It's like my brain can't make up it's mind.  My brain can't decide what it wants.  I mean, I know the *things*, the *characteristics* that I want but idk if I'll find that.  It's a pretty tall order.  The person that I met earlier today looks like she's that person but I have this dark cloud hanging over my head like I seriously fucked up.  It might be because after talking for 2 hours, when the cafe closed, she said she had stuff to do.  But idk what prompted that.  Blegh.

 

 

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Where do I begin with this?

 

I can't beat myself up over this, but at this juncture, I need to.  I was on a roll for so long.  It was a steady build and it culminated in my Spartan Race at Fenway stadium.  I went through some huge emotional changes after that and it also sparked Phoenix Day a couple months later.  I made even more changes and then it started to fade away.  It's not because I was done, it was because I felt I did enough.

 

I didn't.  I didn't do enough.  I needed to keep the motivation going until I got to the end.  This happens to me my entire life, where I'll get to about 85-90% of the way towards a goal and then I figure, "Ok that's pretty damn good" and then my brain doesn't feel motivated anymore.  That's not good enough for me.   I keep postponing the next phases of Project Phoenix since they hinge on being at my goal weight.  And then I don't do anything to stick with my plan to lose the rest of the weight.  I've lost 120 pounds so far and while that's amazing, I'm still fat.  I'm still not where I want to be.

 

I'm going to derail for a second:  While I was waiting to meet up with the date last night, I was driving in my car and I was nervous.  This is the first time I've been nervous in about 7 months to meet with a woman.  I sat in traffic and my hands were literally shaking.  I started analyzing how I was feeling.  What about *this* particular situation is making me feel sick to my stomach?  Then I blurted it out loud to myself, "I don't want to feel like I'm not good enough.  I don't want her to be disappointed in me."  She used to weigh my weight.  She lost almost 200 pounds (put on muscle too).  She is a trainer for CrossFit.  She's strong.  She's confident.  She's beautiful.  She's interesting.  She thinks like I think.  She's engaging.  I feel like I want to ask her a million questions but they all jumble together.  I want to learn more and more about her. She..... is what I should be at goal.  It suddenly sank in while I was pulling up to the cafe for us to meet.  This is who I deserve....eventually.  Had I not been constantly fucking up these few months with dating around and meeting tons of other people, if I had just stuck with the plan, if I said 'fuck this' and worked on myself, I would be where I intended to be.  She said she takes a long time to decide how she feels about people and wants to create a stable friendship/foundation first.  If this is the case, I might have fucked up initially but I have a little bit of wiggle-room for time.  I can fix this.

 

Every time I try and the weightloss doesn't 'stick', I feel awful and I have less motivation to try it again. I've brought up reasons as to why I keep floundering.  The truth is, I don't have enough hate to want this.  I need to get my hate back.

 

You see, when I was trying to lose the weight, my motivations were strong.  1) I wanted to prove to myself that I could do it. 2) I wanted to be attractive so I could find someone.  3) I wanted to not let down this community.  4-I wanted to have sweet sweet revenge on someone.

 

Well, I lost 120 pounds so I did 1.  With dating, I found 2.  I'm not on here so 3 feels null.  I don't talk to that person so 4 is null.  In other words, my damn motivation is all dried up.

 

I need to embrace my rage again. 

Image result for batman angry gif

 

The people that I'm talking to right now? The women that I'm juggling around and getting all pissed and stressed about?  They aren't good enough for me.  I'm SETTLING.  And I shouldn't be settling.  If I settle, then I'm no better than my Old Self.  Is that what you want, Teros?  To go back to your Old Self?  To slowly slide back into that fucking rut and be miserable and unfulfilled?  Or are you going to pull your fucking head out of your ass and *earn* the person you want to be with.  *Earn* the person you want to become.  I don't care if it's going to be tough.  It's more whole30s to stick with.  It's letting your foot heal.  It's more MMA training.  It's more interval jogging.  Instead of being a worried son of a bitch about things that you could actually control, CONTROL THEM.

 

While some people have told me in the past that it's not a healthy way to look at things, I don't give a shit.  There needs to be something STRONG to kick my ass into gear.  I keep setting up certain timeline for my goals and then I screw up and then I forget about the timeline and prolong what needs to get done.  Does that make sense?  I keep pushing the goal-line further away.  This ends up pissing me off and then saying, "Ok Teros, pull your head out of your ass. You need to do this." I'll try again for a little bit and then *flump*.  Nothing.  Goal is pushed further.  This is horseshit.   This is absolute garbage. 

 

I'm honestly putting my happiness on hold because there's no chance in hell that I'm doing a lot of these things in life until AFTER I get to goal.  I don't feel comfortable doing most of them currently. Maybe I'm sabotaging myself in a subconscious way by putting all the new and scary experiences at the end. Since I won't do these things until later, if I keep postponing the weightloss then I'll never have to do them, right?

 

Here's where I'm going to stop being an asshole.  I've rallied my entire life and said that most people talk the talk, but don't walk the walk.  Well Teros, it's time for you to walk the walk again.

 

I'm going to prove myself to this person I just met.

I'm going to prove myself to NF again.

I'm going to prove myself to ME again.

 

No more goddamn excuses.  Thank you @DarK_RaideR and @EricMN

 

 

 

 

 

spartan.png
 

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1 hour ago, Teros said:

I'm honestly putting my happiness on hold because there's no chance in hell that I'm doing a lot of these things in life until AFTER I get to goal.  I don't feel comfortable doing most of them currently. Maybe I'm sabotaging myself in a subconscious way by putting all the new and scary experiences at the end. Since I won't do these things until later, if I keep postponing the weightloss then I'll never have to do them, right?

 

Here's where I'm going to stop being an asshole.  I've rallied my entire life and said that most people talk the talk, but don't walk the walk.  Well Teros, it's time for you to walk the walk again.

 

I'm going to prove myself to this person I just met.

I'm going to prove myself to NF again.

I'm going to prove myself to ME again.

 

OH MY GOD I LOVE THIS AND AM SO EXCITED FOR YOU!

 

Okay, caps out of the way and real talk: knowing that all of the dating you've been doing has completely derailed your eating habits was concerning. So hearing that you aren't going to be settling is great! You totally deserve to get to where you want to be first.

 

Also, I saw your FB picture. Are you signed up?

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36 minutes ago, DarK_RaideR said:

Totally on board the Teros express, I too get lazy when there's not a clear goal at the end. That's why I keep signing up for OCRs and Crossfit competitions.

 

So are you doing Fenway again this year?

I'm signing up this evening.  My sister signed me up last time so there's an account and stuff but idk what it is.  When she gets out of work tonight, I'm having her put me in the Fenway one, yes. 

 

 

  • Like 3
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1 minute ago, Sylvaa said:

 

OH MY GOD I LOVE THIS AND AM SO EXCITED FOR YOU!

 

Okay, caps out of the way and real talk: knowing that all of the dating you've been doing has completely derailed your eating habits was concerning. So hearing that you aren't going to be settling is great! You totally deserve to get to where you want to be first.

 

Also, I saw your FB picture. Are you signed up?

 

Thank you.  Yeah, the dating was siderailing me huge.  I ended up gaining 20 pounds back and then I've been struggling to re-lose that.  No more people dragging me to place to eat stuff I don't want anymore.  Protip:  Paleo eater and Vegan eaters DO NOT MIX.

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Just now, Teros said:

Thank you.  Yeah, the dating was siderailing me huge.  I ended up gaining 20 pounds back and then I've been struggling to re-lose that.  No more people dragging me to place to eat stuff I don't want anymore.  Protip:  Paleo eater and Vegan eaters DO NOT MIX.

 

I never would have guessed! Sounds like a perfect scenario for more Indian food!

  • Like 2
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3 hours ago, Teros said:

I've rallied my entire life and said that most people talk the talk, but don't walk the walk.  Well Teros, it's time for you to walk the walk again.

...

I'm going to prove myself to ME again.

This is who inspired me to quit making excuses and do hard things. Glad to see you.

  • Like 3

Jedi Knight - Current ChallengeBattle Log - Epic Quest

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3 hours ago, Teros said:

I'm honestly putting my happiness on hold because there's no chance in hell that I'm doing a lot of these things in life until AFTER I get to goal.  I don't feel comfortable doing most of them currently. Maybe I'm sabotaging myself in a subconscious way by putting all the new and scary experiences at the end. Since I won't do these things until later, if I keep postponing the weightloss then I'll never have to do them, right?

 

Here's where I'm going to stop being an asshole.  I've rallied my entire life and said that most people talk the talk, but don't walk the walk.  Well Teros, it's time for you to walk the walk again.

 

I'm going to prove myself to this person I just met.

I'm going to prove myself to NF again.

I'm going to prove myself to ME again.

 

Abso-freaking-lutely. I'm proud of you, buddy.

  • Like 2

Who am I? -- My NF Character

Current Challenge: WolfDreamer Embraces His Wild Poet

Past Challenges: 

Spoiler

Winter is ComingWolfen Strengthens His Heart, Body, Mind, and Spirit, Wolfen Becomes One of the PeopleWolfen Strengthens His ChakrasWolfen Welcomes Summer and Gets Primal, Soulcon and Spartan, Wolfen Develops Mental ToughnessWolfen Joins the Wander SocietySoulcon, Spartan, School, and Stranger ThingsWolfen Becomes a Warrior EliteWolfen Goes Here and There and Back AgainWolfen Becomes a Soulcon Warrior EliteWolfen Returns to His RootsWolfen Wanders in Soul, Spirit, and BodyWolfen Owns the DayWolfen Searches for His Wild Heart, Wolfen Runs for His LifeWolfen Hits the TrailsWolfen Becomes an Explorer and Joins the ResistanceWolfen Goes Back to the SourceWolfen Begins the Hero's JourneyWolfDreamer Returns to the People,  WolfDreamer Pushes BackWolfDreamer PrioritizesBurpees, Books, and BrainworkBurpees, Books, Brainwork, and BodyworkWolfDreamer Masters the Four ElementsWolfDreamer Continues to Master the Four ElementsWolfDreamer Returns to SpartaWolfDreamer Returns to Middle EarthWolfDreamer Continues His Middle Earth AdventureWolfDreamer and the FallWolfDreamer Forges His Own PathWolfDreamer Has HopeWolfDreamer Returns to Middle EarthWolfDreamer Reads Harder, Breathes Harder, and Journals More

I'd rather sing one wild song and burst my heart with it, than live a thousand years watching my digestion and being afraid of the wet.” -- Jack London

“I wanted movement and not a calm course of existence. I wanted excitement and danger and the chance to sacrifice myself for my love.” -- Leo Tolstoy

"I feel love rising in my chest again
Rising like a burning sun into the day..." -- Gungor, "Hurricane"

"...wherever the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom." 2 Corinthians 3:17b

 

Link to post

Around this time of year, I will be antsy as time builds up to Phoenix Day, the remembrance of the huge purge in my life that started a serious chain of events.  I told myself as all of my things burned, that I would never bend over backwards for people.  That I needed to do what was right for me.  That I was sick of giving and giving and giving but getting nothing in return.  I swore off trying to find someone to be with for a year, because I needed to get myself situated properly.  I wanted to be at my GOAL before I found someone to be with. 

 

That year was monumental and I made a ton of changes.  A haircut after 3 years, a beard trim after about a year, dreadlocks, going to camp, losing weight, first piercing, first tattoo, starting MMA, painting, building a bookcase and a kitchen table, and going back to get my master's degree.  I made massive strides in becoming the person I wanted to be.  After that year, I thought I was close to my goals so maybe it was time to reach out socially.

 

On the second Phoenix Day, I stopped talking to my ex, effectively severing that tie of emotional pain that I was still latching on to for 14 years.  Probably the best decision of my entire life. I also had a makeover, painted again, was ready to start an internship, and felt that finally it was time to see who was out there for me.

 

Reflecting on the upcoming third Phoenix Day, I realized that I made a lot of mistakes when it came to dating and socializing.  However, I always want to learn from my mistakes.  Going on the website gave me an overflowing amount of attention.  It made me feel amazing and appreciated, but then quickly made this little introvert feel like he was drowning.  My emotions were a complete wreckage.  With trying to divide my attention between multiple people, I would be safe.  In essence, the ladies that I was giving attention to were like my Horcruxes and I was Voldemort.  I would emotionally survive if I kept things spread out, and if I didn't put all my eggs into one basket.

 

Image result for voldemort

 

This made perfect logical sense, because there's no one that seems like a perfect fit, so since that person doesn't *exist*, this would be the closest I could get to a relationship.  At least for anytime soon.

 

As the year continued and my internship fell out, I realized that I was doing the exact thing that I told myself I *wouldn't* do:  I was bending over backwards for people.  I was catering to others, instead of putting my foot down and saying that I wanted X, Y, and Z.  My standards were non-existent because ultimately, I knew I would be forever alone and wanting more than what I could ever hope to find.

 

This bending over backwards took the form of late-night calls and losing sleep, long online conversations and neglecting homework thereby stressing myself out, by going out to eat and gaining weight, and overall slacking in any sort of betterment of myself.

 

Principally, I had been sacrificing my betterment for *others* betterment.  And this left me feeling empty.  The more I helped people and helped them heal, the more I fell in love with them.  I went from not merely being a friend or a boyfriend, but turning into their personal therapist and caregiver.  I ended up taking on roles to help them.  After all, they are hurting and this makes them feel better.  What's the problem with that?

 

The problem was after I put in all the time and effort into helping another person mend their broken wings, they would fly away.  My end result for time and effort was abandonment. This lead to every time I met someone new, that I anticipated they would leave me.  Abandonment issues.  Trust issues.  I was making *them* better, but being brought down.  I became worse.  Eating suffered.  Workouts suffered. Sleep suffered.  School suffered.  I suffered.

 

With the summer came the internship that was delayed.  I jumped into it and was overwhelmed.  Overwhelmed still with the women emotional shit as well. I felt progressively like I was becoming just a husk of my former self.  I kept trying to come on NF and say that I'm trying my best but that I'm feeling like shit and can't dig myself out.  I started feeling like the people I wanted to be there for, weren't there for me.  Despite all the attention in real life, I felt increasingly bitter and alone.  There was something terrible going on here.  I lost myself along the way.  It was if I was being pulled in a million directions and therefore, I stayed still, stagnant, and in pain.  I crippled myself emotionally.

 

Cue June 1st.  I met a woman that I really like and at this point, she's woman number 21 that I'm talking to and trying to see where things go.  I realize this is insanity and spend the month cutting down the people I was trying to juggle.  Most were indifferent.  Good.  It made things easier.  I had brought the number down to 4 and from there, I didn't like my options.  Each person had some serious issues that would take a lot of energy to work on. But then I realized that I *shouldn't* be working on their issues.  All I did was make there be less people, but more intensity/effort per person.  I didn't solve my problem: I merely condensed it.

 

As July rolled on, One of the women was going to move back home soon.  Down to three.  One of the women was conflicted but decided she wanted to be with a guy that put his foot down with her.  Down to two.  One of the women was getting closer to me and then in the most recent week, has disappeared.  Down to One.  The Last Woman admitted that she was in love with me and that she wasn't going anywhere...and I didn't feel the same way.  I'll end up hurting her. 

 

I'll be down to None.

 

As this is going through my brain and I'm accepting that in the next couple of weeks, the last loose ends will be tied up and by August or so, I'll be utterly alone, I start talking to a woman that I was interested in months ago, but who deactivated their account before I could talk to her.  When talking to her, everything seemed to click.  She has a great deal to offer and in a short period, seems to be someone that I can see myself being with.

 

Then I meet her on Thursday and I fuck up royally.  I've been so spent for so long that I was running on emotional fumes when I finally met this new woman.  And maybe she took it the wrong way.  Maybe she thinks that I don't care, or that I'm not interested. Or maybe the fact I'm on fumes currently is just readable through non-verbal cues.  I care about her a lot and I see serious potential in her.  It's just really bad fucking timing.  I gave all my energy to everyone *else* so now the one person that shows true promise isn't getting the best version of myself: she's getting the worst.  And that's not fair to her.

 

I feel like I keep picking the wrong option.  Logically, how I'm reacting to these things makes perfect sense but the timing is impossibly WRONG.  She probably won't give me a second chance and I lost my golden opportunity.  If so, I'm still going to follow what I intended and be down to None within a month.

 

What I learned in this past year of Phoenix Day is that me and emotions don't mix well.  I over-analyze everything to the point that I'm stuck in my head and concocting all sorts of dumb shit.  I play devil's advocate too much and tamper with things that probably shouldn't be tampered with.  I break everything and try to put it back together and learn from that experience though.  So I don't know how to *stop* breaking and rebuilding.  This is me, permanently.  I need to keep deconstructing and reconstructing.

 

What needs to happen is I need to return to what made me worth caring about.  I need to go back to who I was on the FIRST Phoenix Day.  That's the Teros that I know and look up to.  This version has backslid.  I can't beat myself too much over it - this whole dating thing was new territory and I navigated it the best I could.  But I honestly think I'm done with it.  Dating I mean.  In general.  It's fucking over.

 

Since every Phoenix Day is about new resolutions and purging of things, I've been thinking the past couple of weeks about what seems to fit.  I know what I need to purge.  I'm declaring *today* as the next challenge.  I don't follow the NF week-challenge rules anymore.  I can't. I can't put this off even for a week.  It happened yesterday and I'm expanding on it today.

--------------

 

I've been trying to juggle the following:

-NF

-Dating/Women

-Work

-School

-Internship

-Exercise

-Eating

-Artistic Creation

 

Each of these I have been doing a SHITTY job with juggling.  As previous recent challenges have noted, I don't have enough time to deal with all of this.

 

I'm a black and white person.  People and situations I can see as gradients but black /white is how I operate. I'm either [on] or [off]. I either read a book in a week or I don't read it at all.  Trying to figure things out on a spectrum has always failed for me.  Making small incremental changes has seriously only left me with not giving a shit.  I would rather be great at some things instead of suck at fucking everything.  That's what I'm going to do.

 

With these extremes, something like Whole30 works wonders.  That's how I've made the majority of my progress.  Not by eating slightly smaller portions or by making health-conscious decisions.... but by taking a sledgehammer to my diet and crushing it into the most regimented and strict eating plan.  Massive results.  Whole30 thinking works for me.  It's the cornerstone of what makes me work as a person.

 

So I will now apply this to the rest of my life.  This is how the Phoenix Day Purging starts, not just a food detox but with a 30 day LIFE detox:

 

-Food Whole30

-Women Whole30

-Facebook Whole30

-Youtube Whole30

-Physical Whole30

 

I will need rules for each of these that are not able to be stretched in the slightest.  Just like with food and whole 30- it's not about starving yourself but it's about cutting out huge segments to survive.

 

-Food Whole30: I'm allowed meat/veg/healthy fat.  I reject carbs/dairy/junk/sugar

 

-Women Whole30: I can't starve myself.  However, what I can do is only go on OKC once a week and tell every woman that I’m talking to, that we should just meet right now.  Two hours at a café is the ‘meat’ and all the online wasting my time is like the wasted calories on ‘carbs’ and ‘sugar’.  Meet me or leave me alone.  Very direct.  Very strict.  I like this.  Also under this is the paper I need to write to send to the woman that loves me and to let her down easy.

 

-Facebook Whole30: Similar to the women whole30.  I can’t disappear exactly, but what I *can* do is only post a progress report when I log on for 1 minute.  And then once a week, I can talk to people that I'm only able to interact with that way.  Friends on Saturday and progress reports will be the ‘meat’.  Scrolling through people’s pages and wasting hours of my fucking life with memes and news feeds are the ‘carbs’ and ‘sugar’.

-Youtube Whole30: I have no connection to a youtube community.  As such, I can be more purist with this.  I should pick ONE mst3k movie and have that available to watch as something to fall asleep to.  I’ll have to make sure it’s a good one.  Devil Doll is a good option, since it’s funny but also very low-key (not an action movie or horror movie with yelling or explosions) and it’s also in black+white, which is less stimulating visually.  That’s all of youtube: a mst3k movie is the ‘meat’.  Videogame play-throughs, comedy videos, etc, everything else is the ‘carbs’ and ‘sugar’.

 

-Physical Whole30:  I’ve felt so fucking depressed and overwhelmed that I’m starting to lose my mojo.  Between my poor eating and this, I feel weak.  I've tested this before.  And that means this is a good time to not feel pathetic and to stop doing *it*.  You know what I mean.  After I do it, I feel like a loser anyways.  If I'm with a woman or if it's someone I can't meet, *it* can happen.  Besides that, any other time is deemed as ‘carbs’ and ‘sugar’.

 

Reading this over...this is utterly butt-fucking insane.  The above stuff is what makes me happy but ultimately is what keeps me stagnant.  Just like I would love to eat pizza since pizza makes me happy, but that is a TEMPORARY SOLUTION TO A PERMANENT PROBLEM.  I'm about to sacrifice and purge all of my coping mechanisms of happiness.  Cutting all of this out will leave me no choice but to do the other things.  Just like if I cut out ice cream, I'll starve so I have no choice but to eat vegetables and chicken.

 

I'm about to do all of these for 30 days.  Yesterday I formulated this through journal entries and I've already started all of these.  I'm registered for the Spartan Race.  My goal is to be at my goal weight by the time I do the Spartan.  Let's fucking do this.

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*disengage lurk mode*

 

DO IT.

 

re: settling for fat vegans, I'm glad you said it because to be brutally honest I was thinking it. I don't talk to you often enough to lay that kind of opinion out unbidden though.

 

We believe in you, we always have and always will mate.

 

*reengage lurk mode*

 

 

 

Sent from my EVA-L09 using Tapatalk

 

 

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Valkyrie Assassin/Adventurer

Epic Quest

Current Challenge:

Previous Challenges: 1st 2nd 3rd 4th 5th 6th 7th 8th 9th

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On 7/21/2017 at 11:13 AM, Wolfen said:

 

Abso-freaking-lutely. I'm proud of you, buddy.

Thanks a bunch.  It's time to go back to being proud of myself, too.

 

On 7/21/2017 at 10:26 AM, EricMN said:

This is who inspired me to quit making excuses and do hard things. Glad to see you.

I'm back.

 

13 hours ago, Cledbo said:

*disengage lurk mode*

 

DO IT.

 

re: settling for fat vegans, I'm glad you said it because to be brutally honest I was thinking it. I don't talk to you often enough to lay that kind of opinion out unbidden though.

 

We believe in you, we always have and always will mate.

 

*reengage lurk mode*

 

Image result for palpatine do it
 
You totally SHOULD say that kind of opinion.  That's the whole reason I'm writing this stuff in the first place: I want engagement.
-----------------
 
Well I wrote about the plans yesterday but I started all of them the day before.  That means today is:
 
DAY 3, Sunday 7-23-17
 

-Food Whole30 - Chicken strips, a burger, an apple-chicken sausage, broccoli and cauliflower, an orange, and a banana protein smoothie.  That's my main meal for the day.  I'll have something smaller later on.  I feel a little better physically already.  I know that around this time though, I get very angry.  Also since I don't have anywhere else to put this, I mine as well write that I did 3.5 mile walk this morning.

 

-Women Whole30 - I told a couple of the women on OKC last night that instead of answering their questions, I would rather just meet up and talk in person.  I don't really want to bother with them but it's worth meeting once and then saying there isn't a connection, rather than being a jackass and totally ignoring them (which people NOTORIOUSLY do on this fucking website).  They both let me know their schedules.  I'll be meeting one on Tuesday and one on Thursday.  Regarding the New Woman that I really like, I a message from her, saying she was deactivating OKC for a while and wished me the good luck.  That sounds like she doesn't want to speak to me again.  So, I sent a text to the New Woman and wrote the following:

"Hey I saw your okc message.  I would like to see you again.  You've been the first person that's woken up something inside me, and I feel like my nerves had me make a bad first impression.  Please let me know when we can meet up."   I'll see what comes of this, because it's the truth.  She's been the first person that I talked to that made me feel something really strong before even meeting her which totally fucked with my head.  I'm keeping my fingers crossed.

 

-Facebook Whole30 - I posted a picture of the meal I described and that was it.  I didn't click anyone's wall to see what dumb crap was going on.

 

-Youtube Whole30 - So far, so good.  I had to look up a tutorial for how to have .pdf files be read in an audio file but that's it.

 

-Physical Whole30 - Haven't done anything which is what I'm supposed to do.

 

The fact that I've written something regarding progress the next day, rather than a week later, should show that this is working.  I have homework to do pretty soon.  I'm going to the school library to pick up a book I rented and then when I get back, I'll continue with my cooking, cleaning, laundry, and homework for the rest of the evening.

 

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