elizevdmerwe - Accountability while taking a bit of a break

[Mrs Van]

I'm going to be using this Battlelog to stay in touch with my awesome NF-friends. And to vent... like a Dear Diary... Because I might need to...

Then also, I want to do all the things! But we're facing a big change in our lives and I'm not sure what I'll be able to manage.

I'm Divergent

Background:

Spoiler

 

In a nutshell: We are in for a big change with my (narcissistic-dependent) mom moving in for an undefined period of time. It is a situation we've been trying to avoid for the last two years. She has been moving between friends, ex-in laws, and family, but now there is only us left. She'll be living in the small outside guestroom which has its own bathroom, so luckily not in the house. Thanks to lots of advice and support from my NF friends I've developed some strong boundaries (safety-peace-bubble), which I hope to keep strong. We will be applying for her for accommodation in a cared residence/retirement home, but they all either have waiting lists of at least 3yrs, or are very expensive.

 

From what I have gathered, the solution to peace (most of the time) is to keep her busy, and all medication locked away, so I'm going to give her the washing to do (3x/week) and she will have to do the dishes every weekday morning. Hopefully I can inspire her to start working in the garden again, as she used to love working with plants, long, long ago. Brandt and I discussed it and decided to make an appointment for her with our homeopath-gp, for a check up/evaluation specifically to sort out medication. We'll try to get her more active by walking and maybe even some light strength training. I'm not sure what she'll be willing to do, but one thing is for certain: I'm not going to keep her entertained or sit and chat the whole day long. I have more than enough work of my own to do.

 

EXERCISE: I'll be happy doing 3 of the following each week, even if it is one activity more than once

• Dry Fire Drill
• Strength Training
• Walk
• Self Defense
• Gardening (not much left to do after Julius cleaned up so nicely - with it being winter and all, things are slow in this department)

HEALTH: Already trying to do these every day.

• Water: 2x500ml - more is better.
• Food: Banting green list (2x exceptions/week). Just eat right. No pressure on how much, and just to get the budget cooperating with another mouth to feed.
• Morning Stretches while waiting for the coffee to brew (week days) not so easy in the winter cold.

ME TIME: To help me keep sane

• Try for 15min absolute alone time (peace, quiet, no disturbances) 1x or 2x during the day, or as necessary.
• An hour with Brandt, just being together, talking, watching videos, or something. The boys and my mom, will have a strict shower/room/sleep time
• I go to bed: 21h30-22h00

TO DO's: Things to get done this month - just to check for myself.

• Finish April finances (started)
• Finish May finances
• Finish June finances
• Proof Reading
• Evening Bible study

 

[Fonzico]

I'm glad you started a battle log! Following along

 

Sending all the positive vibes that I have for things to go as well as they can.

[Mr_Willes]

Whoop whoop, here we go!!!

[Mrs Van]

6 hours ago, Fonzico said:

I'm glad you started a battle log! Following along

 

Sending all the positive vibes that I have for things to go as well as they can.

 

5 hours ago, mr_willes said:

Whoop whoop, here we go!!!

Thanks so much, guys! Thanks for all the support, I really appreciate it.

 

I just really had to share some good news that I got earlier tonight. It was confirmed via Fb tonight as well: I won a Mother's Day make over competition! The competition was held the week before Mother's Day in May and the lady phoned me tonight to say that I won "a facial, hair, colour analysis and make-up make-over" to the value of R5000! Wow! I can't believe it, I am so, so, so excited!

[Mr_Willes]

We need:

 

 

[Mrs Van]

2 hours ago, mr_willes said:

We need:

 

 

We'll set a date as soon as the schools start again in two weeks' time. Then her kids are away during the day, and she can spend time on me and clients. I'll post some photos for sure.

 

Monday 10 July:

EXERCISE: No strength training, but I did spend two hours properly cleaning the outside room and bathroom. Wiping the walls down, cleaning, cleaning. Surprising how much cleaning was needed when it was supposed to have been cleaned every week for the last two, three weeks... I was not happy and sent Thoko a message. Now she is not happy and we'll discuss it on Thursday. She has been ignoring things I ask her to do with "reasons" every week, but I've had enough. The only other exercise was carrying my mom's 2x30kg+ suitcases, and yes they were weighed so I know they were more than 30kg. She had to pay penalty on the bus for the extra weight.

 

HEALTH:

• Water: only 1x 500ml bottle
• Food: Went well
• Morning Stretches: No, was rushing from 4h45am to get Brandt's breakfast and lunch done, sandwiches packed for Julius on his trip back home, and out the door by 6am to have him at the bus stop in time. Then the bus was late.

ME TIME:

• 15min absolute alone time: No such luck, except if you count the time while I was cleaning. Which can count because I worked out some cropped up frustration and anger and probably a bit of anxiety with my mom's impending arrival.
• An hour with Brandt: Not last night. We all went to bed early because both Brandt and I had to get up during the night. Me to fetch my mom at the bus stop at 23h30, and he to do patrols 24h00-2h00am. I was tossing and turning most of the time between 21h00-23h00, but slept solidly until just before the alarm went off, after I got my mom home and settled in her room.
• I go to bed 21h30-22h00: Yes, see above.

TO DO's: Nothing on the list got done.

 

----------------------------------------

I'm tired this morning. I was very shocked to see my mom for the first time in over 2 yrs last night. She has aged a lot. She's been talking almost non-stop this morning, but the first thing I reiterated was that I am not going to take any nonsense about the medication, and she needs to be an example when it comes to the boys. We'll go to the clinic and have meds sorted, and if they take away her pills, then it is for her best will and health. We can have a look and talk with the doctors and see what needs to be done. We'll help her, but she has to do her share, because I have to be able to trust her.

 

She can't stop hugging the boys when she sees them. At one point when she was crying and hugging them, Rocco and Adam both told her that we'll be there for her. I left her in her room now unpacking and sorting out her bathroom stuff, etc. We've sorted out what she is responsible for (financially) and what comes out of the money that she'll pay us from next month (cleaning stuff, water, electricity, food). I told her that I have no intention of interfering with what facial cream or soap or toothpaste, etc. she uses, and please she doesn't need my permission to make tea or coffee or whatever. Ask if she's unsure, but I'm not going to sit and chat or serve her. None of us will get up-tense if she doesn't know what to do, or how we do stuff, but she needs to ask. She said she'll make sure to give us private time when Brandt is at home, because she knows that we don't have a lot of time together as a family. Rocco asked her straight how long she was staying, and she said it is until we find her a place in a home. She can come and go in the house, garden, etc. I gave her some Daily Devotional books with scripture, etc. as she had to leave hers behind. I gave her that little birthday calendar to write people's birthday's in, along with a notebook and book marks, etc. It is funny how little things can make a difference.

 

Here's hoping.

[Mr_Willes]

Hope things will run smoothly!

[annyshay]

Big changes! Lots of extra boundary practice coming your way. We're with you! Glad you started a log.

[Elastigirl]

Praying for you for wisdom, peace and strength as you help your mom. Sounds like  you started off well, setting firm boundaries, being clear in what you expected, and giving her some gifts to let her know she is loved. 

[Mrs Van]

On 2017/07/11 at 0:20 PM, mr_willes said:

Hope things will run smoothly!

Thank you! So far so good.

On 2017/07/11 at 1:20 PM, annyshay said:

Big changes! Lots of extra boundary practice coming your way. We're with you! Glad you started a log.

Oh, and already won some battles, by just giving her "the look". It seems to work with naughty boys and "mischievous" moms.

On 2017/07/11 at 5:29 PM, Elastigirl said:

Praying for you for wisdom, peace and strength as you help your mom. Sounds like  you started off well, setting firm boundaries, being clear in what you expected, and giving her some gifts to let her know she is loved. 

Thank you! The prayers definitely worked today! A lot of stories from her; slight changes in what happened while she lived with my aunt and uncle. I'm taking both sides/versions with a pinch of salt. As I mentioned above, I gave her the raised eyebrow look, which normally signals the boys that I'm listening but not believing a word they are telling me... and she started faltering in her version of what she was telling me. I didn't say a word... then she changed the topic. The boys are telling her frequently that they love her, then give her hugs. She seems to connect love to what she gets from other people. She keeps hinting that she "needs" this and that, amongst other things, warmer jackets. I would have believed her if I haven't seen the three jackets already hanging in her cupboard.

-----------------------------------------------------------

Spoiler

We went to the state clinic this morning. Was there from 7h30-11h45. The personnel was very friendly and helpful. I told them I had no clue how things worked, and was honest with the head sister and doctor when it was "our" turn. I tried not to shame her, so instead of saying she tries to pilfer meds whenever she can, I said she tends to want more anxiety pills during the day, when she feels anxious, instead of sticking to her prescription. The dr also read the referral letter from the head sister at the previous clinic, for my mom to see a psychologist. Long story short. He totally agreed with me that she had too many meds and some of them even increases and makes her anxiety worse. Some she shouldn't have been on for longer than 4 weeks, never mind 6 months! So now she is down from 7 pills per day to 4 pills (totally different and new to what she had). He stressed that it is better for me to keep track of her medication, and told her she is lucky to have a daughter who will be strict with her, for her own good, and she must not be angry or upset about the changes. He said it in such a way that she thought he was complimenting her for taking action to improve her health and life. When I looked up her medication later at home, to organise in her weekly meds-container, I realised that two of the pills he gave her are for personality and psychological issues. It will help her to stay calm and sleep better at night.

 

I realised with a shock today when my mom wanted me to hug her and she kept on saying how much she loved me and loved the boys and being with us, that I really did not want to be close to her. I forced myself to give her a quick hug, but refused to kiss her on the cheek. Also when saying good night, I can't make myself hug or kiss her like I do with Brandt and the boys. I have respect for her, for being my mom. She did her best according to her. I accept that is her opinion, but my other feelings for her are dead. Sad... but a big clarification and boost to know that my boundaries will work and last.

 

Tuesday 11 July:

ME TIME:

• I go to bed 21h30-22h00: Yes, was in bed by 20h30. I was exhausted yawning the whole time.

And I ate properly. Otherwise NADA for the rest of the challenge goals.

[Elastigirl]

Very nice that the clinic is so helpful and also backs you up. Hopefully easing off her medications will stabilize her moods.

[Mrs Van]

12 hours ago, Elastigirl said:

Very nice that the clinic is so helpful and also backs you up. Hopefully easing off her medications will stabilize her moods.

So far, so good. She had the new meds last night and already seem a lot calmer this morning.

 

I also took the opportunity to tell her that I'm not used to being around adults the whole time and I'm not very talkative. I like my personal space. So it isn't because I'm cross or upset or whatever, I just need a lot of space around me. Maybe if we keep to having our meals together, and then chat during those, or if we work/walk in the garden, we can chat or spend time together. Otherwise I really need some alone time to concentrate on the work that needs to be done, etc. She said she understood and it is only during these last months at my aunt and uncle's that she realised that life has passed her by. She's forgotten so much about plants and birds which she also love watching and working with, that she was totally shocked when she started focusing on things outside her immediate wants and needs. I am glad that she actually came to realise that. I think there is hope.

 

Wednesday 12 July:

EXERCISE: No, spent most of the morning at the clinic. Afternoon I was mentally exhausted.

 

HEALTH:

• Water: only 1.5 x 500ml bottle and two mugs of tea.
• Food: Went well
• Morning Stretches: No, rushing again to get everything done so we can leave early for the clinic.

ME TIME:

• 15min absolute alone time: Only when I got in bed, after the shower. But I soon fell asleep. Was exhausted - head thick.
• An hour with Brandt: Yes, but mil phoned to find out if we're ok. But we had time to hug and find out how each other's day went. He is also under a lot of job-related-stress.
• I go to bed 21h30-22h00: Yes, in bed just after 21h00, due to phone call, otherwise it would have been earlier.

TO DO's:

• Mom did washing, drying and folding. Kept her busy for a while. She was very anxious about just how I want the clothes folded, so came to ask me about it every couple of minutes. I managed to stay calm and patient. I packed all the folded clothes away.
• Mom also cleans the kitchen in the evening after I've packed the dishwasher and got meat out for next day, etc. She said that she likes cleaning and being in the kitchen, so I told her to go ahead and enjoy herself.

 

There is an International Mounted Competition being held in town this week. We found out last night via homeschool emails, and the boys, my mom and I are going to watch this afternoon's competition. It looks like a mix of barrel racing like Tank showed last year sometime, with other equestrian events. Entrance is free!

[annyshay]

Horseys!!! I miss going to those types of events. My part of the world called them "shows". It's awesome seeing what people and horses can do together. Enjoy!

[Elastigirl]

The horse show sounds fun. I've been praying for you for wisdom and strength, honestly I haven't prayed specifically for your mom, but I will pray that this time with your family will be a healing time for her, where she begins to learn to take responsibility for her actions

[Mrs Van]

3 hours ago, annyshay said:

Horseys!!! I miss going to those types of events. My part of the world called them "shows". It's awesome seeing what people and horses can do together. Enjoy!

We had a great time. There were hardly any spectators other than those involved in the competition. We saw the first "batch" where New Zealand, England, Ireland, Norway, and ??? (can't remember) took part against each other. Ireland won, NZ second and England a close third. Then it was South Africa, Australia, Wales, USA, and Sweden. Unfortunately we left before they had finished their races because the weather turned icy cold. South Africa was in the lead followed closely by Australia and USA! Wales and Sweden were not far behind on points however, so it really was anybody's race. I loved it. Adam and I became so nostalgic, because Pippa had actually done some of the training with us in the beginning. Lifting a cup off one pole, placing it on the second. Picking up rings with a stick... We loved it.

6 minutes ago, Elastigirl said:

The horse show sounds fun. I've been praying for you for wisdom and strength, honestly I haven't prayed specifically for your mom, but I will pray that this time with your family will be a healing time for her, where she begins to learn to take responsibility for her actions

Today was so different from the previous two days, it was shocking! My mom firstly slept very well. Woke up once during the night, immediately fell asleep again and slept till after 7h00. She was calm and in control. Started and finished something, not confused about what she was doing, not in my face or space at any point (that was probably the talk), and enjoyed sitting on the stoep, knitting the teddy bear. She even sat quietly listening, really listening, to what the boys were trying to tell her about the physical games they play, as she asked them questions, and answered their comments. Usually (previous years and Tuesday and Wednesday) she would start to listen then start talking over them, about whatever else came into her mind. She would just look at them, and not even realise that they were talking to her. Well, she did that to every one.

 

We'll see how it goes for the next couple of days, and next week when we start following our usual routine. A part of me wants to be happy about the change, but a part of me is very pessimistic and believes it is an act, because ... can a change of medicine have such a dramatic impact on a person in 1 day?!

 

--------------------------------------

One of the ladies from the old age home died in her sleep last weekend. Her memorial service is tomorrow morning. The boys and I will attend it, while my mom stays at home.

[annyshay]

Praying for peace and comfort for all of you.

[Mrs Van]

2 hours ago, annyshay said:

Praying for peace and comfort for all of you.

Thank you!

 

Thursday 13 July:

EXERCISE: Not really as Julius did a lot. We did take half an hour to walk through the garden and I pulled out some weeds and made mental notes of pruning I must do Saturday. Also going to buy some herbs at the Farmer's Market Saturday morning, and we'll plant those in pots at my backdoor.

 

HEALTH:

• Water: only 1.5 x 500ml bottle and one mug of tea.
• Food: Went well
• Morning Stretches: Yes!

ME TIME:

• 15min absolute alone time: Only when I got in bed. Again, fell asleep with my cellphone in my head trying to read.
• An hour with Brandt: Nope, was in bed less than an hour after putting the boys in bed.
• I go to bed 21h30-22h00: Yes. I haven't slept this much and well in ??? months!

TO DO's:

• Sorted the finances. Brandt only gave me some of March' slips end of July. So finalise March (thought it was done, but obviously not), and then get through April, May, and June.
• Considering doing that Devotional on stress with my mom two mornings a week. She asked whether we could continue with it as she really enjoyed reading further on the topic and Bible verses I gave her.
• I've been praying but no Bible reading/study.
• New book to proof read within the next week or two.

 

[Mrs Van]

Friday 14 July:

EXERCISE: Yes, we went for a short walk around the block. The very steep hill nearly won. We had to stop and rest half way up.

 

HEALTH:

• Water: 2x bottles and tea.
• Food: Going well with Banting for all of us.
• Morning Stretches: No...

ME TIME:

• 15min absolute alone time: Yes. First thing in the morning, Brandt brought me coffee in bed, and I spent that time reading a bit of The 5 Love Languages on my cellphone. Was up late watching an Afrikaans movie (gasp! I found one I actually like). Everyone else had gone to bed, and I enjoyed the movie (headphones) with no one dancing, talking or jumping around me. Warning: do not mess with a farm girl, whose dad was in the South African Special Forces (Recce).
• An hour with Brandt: Nope, Brandt was early in bed for a change.
• I go to bed 21h30-22h00: No, last night was late - around 23h00.

TO DO's:

• Nothing.

Saturday 15 July:

EXERCISE: Yes gardening! Sew some branches off (1-2" thick); turned the compost heap over. Discovered someone's old running shoes in the back of the garden, and from the way the barb wire was bent, someone had been using the area to hide away as it is a very dark corner. Fixed the fence, and bad person that I am, I put a lot of sharp sticks down in case someone decides to jump the wall again. Warned the neighbours that someone is using the back of our properties.

Otherwise planted some salad, parsley, thyme and sweet peas. In the top photo, back left plants where there already. Two types of lilies and Dracaena. Back right are some sweet peas, and the grids are both for protection against Simba, and for the sweet peas to curl over. I planed some thyme in between the containers as ground cover, and then some parsley, thyme and different salad varieties in the pots. I call it the Anti-Simba-pots, because they are now too heavy for him to push over, then dig up and lie down in the soil.

 

This little wooden truck was made by Brandt's dad, many, many years ago. The boys haven't played with it for two, three years, so I decided to use it for salad and my "Lidroos" (Schlumbergera). This is now called The Salad Truck. Also an anti-Simba device, to stop him from digging up the garden and rearranging my plants. I also emptied 3x wheelbarrow loads of compost-soil in the ditch around our house.

 

HEALTH:

• Water: 2x bottles and tea.
• Food: Going well with Banting for all of us.
• Morning Stretches: No...

ME TIME:

• 15min absolute alone time: Yes. Brandt brought me coffee in bed again! A lot of glorious alone time in the garden.
• An hour with Brandt: Nope... not yet. Maybe later.
• I go to bed 21h30-22h00: Most likely yes, as I had a hard day in the garden and tomorrow is shooting day, so we have to be up early.

TO DO's, etc.:

• Sent the last faxes to the accountant. Sorted slips, etc. and my mom finished her chores (washing and dishes) after a verbal reminder. It's like having a third (older) child in the home, although the new meds she's on caused a miraculous improvement.
• Also started reading "The 5 Love Languages" in the morning. Wow, so many "aha!" moments. There were two points thus far which struck a chord with me, but this one was the most important: On the topic of Quality Activities, the explanation read: "The purpose is to experience something together, to walk away from it feeling 'He cares about me. He was willing to do something with me that I enjoy, and he did it with a positive attitude.' That is love, and for some people it is love's loudest voice." I read this to Brandt explaining that was how he made me feel the day we went to the shooting range on our own (kids there, but no one else), and he spent two hours with me training and helping me. Yes, we did concentrate on the shooting and learning, but the time together was special for me. He was flabbergasted that I felt so strongly about it.

[Mrs Van]

Sunday 16 July:

EXERCISE: Shooting at the club. Awesome day! Awesome shoot! The gun shop owner told us about a 2nd hand CZ75-B that he got in. Almost new, been used only a handful of times. Brandt encouraged me to go to the shop today and have a look and feel. CZ is a very well known make here in South Africa. It is Czech-made, but a "work horse". It works, and works, and works. Simplistic, full metal frame, yet not too heavy or big for me. So I went, and phoned Brandt from the shop. We discussed the gun with the owner, and in the end I bought it! It's a year after I got my competency and about time I got a gun now. I can only bring it home as soon as my license has been approved by the Police, which is almost just a formality as it is my first/only personal fire arm, and I need it for self defense, which they are not allowed to refuse.

 

HEALTH:

• Water: 2x bottles.
• Food: Sunday was a bit off, with a lot of starches. One of the club members is a chef, and he made bacon and egg rolls for breakfast, and then Springbok (venison) potjie (stew) for lunch. We had the rolls for breakfast, and I brought the venison stew back home for a late lunch. It was delicious! Just too much rice and beans with the stew, but only the rolls were gluten-filled. So relatively good food day.
• Morning Stretches: No... too early up and out of bed.

ME TIME:

• 15min absolute alone time: Not for 15min. I fell asleep.
• An hour with Brandt: Yes, late Sunday evening.
• Sleep 21h30-22h00: Nope, was in bed late.

-------------------------------------------------

Just as I drove into the town where the gun shop is, I felt the steering wheel pull sharply to the left, and realised I had a flat tire. Got to the shop, did what I had to do, then went to the gas station across the road. The one employee was very helpful and changed the tire for me, but then warned me that he wasn't happy with how the spare fastened on. He asked me to rather go directly to the tire shop and have the other one fixed and refitted. Which I did, and they also said the spare tire should be replaced, it doesn't fit Serenity properly. Told Brandt - it's now his baby to sort out.
 

Spoiler

 

We started with school again this morning. Playball and Soccer are also starting this week, but Dancing only next week. I was a little bit miffed when my mom spoke to the boys about their school work this morning. I realised that they were not concentrating and gave them a break after math. Realising that we had taken a lot longer on learning about measurements (mm, cm, m, inches and feet), I decided to leave science for tomorrow. When she asked me whether we were finished with school for the day, I said yes, they can't concentrate anymore, they needed a break, upon which she turned around and told them not to give me a hard time and they must stick to their school work and do it. I turned around and told her not to do that again. It is not her place and she doesn't know anything about what or how much they can or can't do. They had put in a lot of work this morning, a lot of revision and reading, and never once complained. She just looked at me, said "oh, ok", turned around and walked out. She doesn't know anything about what they've been doing, how much, etc. yet she thinks she can turn around and scold them!

 

Otherwise the boys and I just become irritated because we'll be talking to her or each other about something, and she would just rudely interrupt and go off on whatever is on her mind. Half of the time she makes up a story about something, like her pen running out of ink. I gave her that pen last week, to write down what she is knitting (the stitches, rows, etc.) yet this afternoon she turned around and said the pen is very old, she can't even remember where she got it. When I gave her a new pen, she immediately said oh it is similar to the one I gave her last week, which she just said is so old... I just looked at her, didn't comment at all. She also wants to know where I buy my clothes from, insisting some of my t-shirt tops are from boutiques, no matter what I tell her. She gets an idea in her head, then sticks to it, whether its the truth or not. She just wants to buy clothes the whole time! She has a cupboard overflowing with very expensive clothes, yet "she has nothing to wear". It is not really upsetting, just irritating, but something that the boys and I are already ignoring. Sometimes I think she does it to get attention, other times I think she just really lives in her head with her own stories, and doesn't realise what goes on around her in the real life.

 

 

[Elastigirl]

Love your salad truck! And all the cool herbs. 

 

I agree with your telling your mom not to scold the boys about school, schooling them is your responsibility not hers. That  said, I think she was trying to back you and support you. She was trying to help, it was just misguided. 

[Mrs Van]

13 hours ago, Elastigirl said:

Love your salad truck! And all the cool herbs. 

 

I agree with your telling your mom not to scold the boys about school, schooling them is your responsibility not hers. That  said, I think she was trying to back you and support you. She was trying to help, it was just misguided. 

I came to the same conclusion about her trying to support me. I told her that I appreciate her support, but scolding the kids is not her place. She can however encourage them in how they do, and support them to try again. But no scolding.

 

Tuesday 18 July:

EXERCISE: We walked at Playball. My mom, Adam and I were all a bit winded, so we only did about 1.6km, at +- 4km/hr pace. We are all a bit out of shape. Rocco was off, not being able to concentrate on hockey. He did his best, but felt tired.

 

HEALTH:

• Water: 1.5x bottles. More coffee as it was a cold, cold day.
• Food: Unfortunately we were so hungry returning from Howick (gun shop for Police Motivation papers), that I stopped at a gas station shop and bought my mom and I hamburger pies, Adam a big slice of pizza, and Rocco wanted chips. The signs were there, I didn't pick up on it.
• Morning Stretches: No... doing Bible study and sometimes reading pieces from 5 Love Languages to Brandt in the morning.

ME TIME:

• 15min absolute alone time: Yes, Bible study and reading, beginning and end of the day.
• An hour with Brandt: No, he went to bed early, was tired from patrols Monday night.
• Sleep 21h30-22h00: Nope, was in bed late.

My mom is really trying her best. There are little mix-ups with her not knowing how to operate the washing machine or tumble dryer, etc. But she is really trying her best and keep saying being involved in the household, feeling she is doing her share by doing the laundry and in the evening cleaning up the kitchen, is making her feel useful again. It takes a lot off my back, which I'm thankful for. Otherwise we chat when having breakfast, lunch or dinner, and a bit in between, but we both go on with whatever we need or want to do. She goes up to her room around 20h00, when the boys also go for their shower and bed. She is at the clinic at the moment. My friend dropped her off, because Rocco developed fever during the night, which broke, and he has a lot of fever blisters around his mouth. Then his tummy was up and down this morning (literally), so I wanted to stay with him to make sure he was ok. Adam went to play at my friend's house, so when my mom phones when it is almost her turn to see the sister, I'll take Rocco, keep him in the car (safe next to the clinic house and there is a guard too), and quickly see the sister about my mom's meds. He is already feeling better, but I can't leave him alone at home.

 

The printer arrived yesterday and it works! HP replaced the print head, which they said was malfunctioning. After unsuccessfully trying the old black cartridge, I replaced it with the new one the ink place sent, and everything worked! I am so relieved. Everything is seeming to work out. The only concern is still Brandt's one client, but the lawyer wrote them a letter, and we haven't heard anything yet.

 

My emotions are also a bit wobbly at the moment. For most part I'm ok, but I think with things starting to work out and falling into place, I feel like crying with relief.

[annyshay]

So proud of all the healthy boundaries. Hope Rocco is better soon!

[Tanktimus the Encourager]

Back from my trip and caught up with the battle log, here are some of my thoughts:

 

On 7/12/2017 at 0:01 PM, elizevdmerwe said:

 

I realised with a shock today when my mom wanted me to hug her and she kept on saying how much she loved me and loved the boys and being with us, that I really did not want to be close to her. I forced myself to give her a quick hug, but refused to kiss her on the cheek. Also when saying good night, I can't make myself hug or kiss her like I do with Brandt and the boys. I have respect for her, for being my mom. She did her best according to her. I accept that is her opinion, but my other feelings for her are dead. Sad... but a big clarification and boost to know that my boundaries will work and last.

 

You are still hurting from everything she has done throughout your life. There are several factors at work here. 1) She is idealizing things because, for the moment, she has what she thinks she wants, so in her mind you are 100% perfect and she is very emotional and affectionate right now. People like her tend to see the world in black and white, everything is either 100% perfect or 100% bad. 2) You know, perhaps subconsciously, that she won't stay in this state and will eventually be less affectionate, so you see her affection as not genuine, and your nonsense detector is preventing you from accepting the affection which doesn't feel real to you. 3) You are still healing from what she has done in the past, and are not in a place to be affectionate with her, and may never be, even when you have healed.  4) People like her can not consider other people's feelings, so it would never occur to her that you might not appreciate all the surface level affection from someone. In her mind you are as happy as she is. She does not have the capacity to put herself in another's position. Therefore, it does not occur to her you might be in a different place emotionally, so she just showers the affection.

On 7/13/2017 at 11:40 AM, elizevdmerwe said:

 

We'll see how it goes for the next couple of days, and next week when we start following our usual routine. A part of me wants to be happy about the change, but a part of me is very pessimistic and believes it is an act, because ... can a change of medicine have such a dramatic impact on a person in 1 day?!

 

See 2 and 3 above. The meds likely have had an effect, but probably not as much as her behavior would indicate. You are waiting for the other shoe to drop because it always does. The first time she has a really bad day or something is really difficult for her you'll know what effect the meds have really had.

On 7/17/2017 at 1:43 PM, elizevdmerwe said:

 

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Otherwise the boys and I just become irritated because we'll be talking to her or each other about something, and she would just rudely interrupt and go off on whatever is on her mind. Half of the time she makes up a story about something, like her pen running out of ink. I gave her that pen last week, to write down what she is knitting (the stitches, rows, etc.) yet this afternoon she turned around and said the pen is very old, she can't even remember where she got it. When I gave her a new pen, she immediately said oh it is similar to the one I gave her last week, which she just said is so old... I just looked at her, didn't comment at all. She also wants to know where I buy my clothes from, insisting some of my t-shirt tops are from boutiques, no matter what I tell her. She gets an idea in her head, then sticks to it, whether its the truth or not. She just wants to buy clothes the whole time! She has a cupboard overflowing with very expensive clothes, yet "she has nothing to wear". It is not really upsetting, just irritating, but something that the boys and I are already ignoring. Sometimes I think she does it to get attention, other times I think she just really lives in her head with her own stories, and doesn't realise what goes on around her in the real life.

 

 

People with her condition often perceive reality so differently from the rest of us she probably genuinely believes what she is saying, it's part of the illness, and part of why you have such trouble accepting things have really gotten better and accepting affection from her.

 

You are awesome, and have learned a lot in the past two years that will help you survive this. No matter how good things get, get her into a retirement home as soon as you can.

[Mrs Van]

On 2017/07/19 at 2:34 PM, annyshay said:

So proud of all the healthy boundaries. Hope Rocco is better soon!

Thank you. Boundaries are keeping me sane. Rocco's tummy is better, but he hasn't really been eating the last two days, but drank a lot of water. Shame he has a lot of fever blisters underneath his mouth, which aren't sore, but itching. I am putting ointment on during the day, and the fact that Rocco doesn't complain about this had me a bit worried, to be honest. This morning he is more up and about, more himself, so I'm also feeling more relaxed.

17 hours ago, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

You are awesome, and have learned a lot in the past two years that will help you survive this. No matter how good things get, get her into a retirement home as soon as you can.

Thank you, your answers clear things up a lot for me. Yip, I am waiting for the other shoe to drop. My aunt are keeping in contact with me, and said that the first month was fine with them as well, but after that the nonsense started. I think I'm also just naturally inclined not to trust the silence, or believe too much in "the silence before the storm".

Spoiler

 

I'm fine about my past, but did get angry last week when she starting saying how good and wonderful a certain couple (her second cousin and the husband) had been to her through the years. Let's just say I had two difficult years as a 9-10yr old whenever we had to visit them. A teacher told me to say no. I have always felt betrayed that my mom stayed friends with them through the years. I wasn't the only child in the situation either. I told my mom to never, ever talk about them on our property. Her only reply was "oh... oh". I walked away. Guess I don't really trust her, and I don't really want to trust her.

 

Yes, I need to get application forms for homes a.s.a.p. I can't live indefinitely in a situation where I don't trust the peace. My home is my refuge, my safe-haven. My husband and my boys' safe place as well. I won't give that away. The dr. (GP) said Wednesday that she sees me as her safe haven, that she is calm and relaxed, not anxious because she feels I'll protect her from whatever (that me 100% perfect in her eyes, and I'll always know what to do thing). In other words I'm the adult who has to protect and look after her, the "child". The dr. doesn't however, know our history. Brandt also said it feels like just another child in the home, except she is keeping to her space/place and obedient at the moment.

[Mrs Van]

Thursday 20 July:

EXERCISE: Nothing.

 

HEALTH:

• Water: 1.5x bottles.
• Food: My mom bought us each a chocolate. Second variance of the week.
• Morning Stretches: No... Bible study and 5 Love Languages.

ME TIME:

• 15min absolute alone time: Yes, Bible study and reading, beginning and end of the day. Becoming routine.
• An hour with Brandt: No, he is working overtime on some of his smaller clients' work at home.
• Sleep 21h30-22h00: Nope, was in bed just after.

TO DO's:

• Got more slips from Brandt for March and April. Finished March and April finances, and halfway with May. Will finish this weekend.

Friday 21 July:

EXERCISE: Nothing.

 

HEALTH:

• Water: 1x bottles.
• Food: Good - made Tuna Tarts for them, and another variation on Kahlua Pork/Beef for myself.
• Bible Study: Yes... yeah, decided to change this - need B.study more.

ME TIME:

• 15min absolute alone time: Yes, Bible study and reading.
• An hour with Brandt: No, he is still working overtime.
• Sleep 21h30-22h00: Planning on it.

My mom has never seen The Hobbit, or Lord of the Rings for that matter, so I put the first movie of Hobbit on tonight. She doesn't really like the fighting or the hideous looking Orcs, Goblins or Trolls, but love the nature scenes and the different kinds of people, especially the Hobbits and Dwarves. And Lady Galadriel.