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Welcome back! It sounds like the wheel of life has really kept turning for you but the overall trend seems positive. Keep it up.

Hey all. 1pm here, slightly sunny after masses and masses of rain. Been a slow couple of days. my anxiety is getting crappy again. just ordered my prescription, still not started the new meds. Scared tbh. This morn i was up at 6am, doing work. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME hahahhaah i just cant fucking relax. Im now thinking about my vision for Broken Grey Wires. What is my big aim. My 5/10 year plan. I literally cant keep going the way i am. it isnt sustainable for me, especially with the cost of living crisis etc. I need to be getting more frequent income. The work i do, if this was a 'proper' company/institution, id be on at least 50k a year. My big vision aim is to have a space, gallery, community space, art studios.... thats the pipe dream. Im writing a sort of business plan I have a meeting on Monday with some investment person. No idea what to expect but i was this ready for then. I then took Bronze to the groomers. Look at how pretty they made her ❤️ What a difference hahahahaha Oh and my new glasses got here last week. They make a big difference. Me, this morning, trying to get warm. brrrrrrrr it was chilly earlier. This afternoon, do some more work, clean kitchen, change bins and cat litter, prep dinner. Some sort of salad i think. Maybe baked potato and salad and tuna ..... Also.... MAKE COOKIES - ive never made then before hahah but will give it a go ❤️ xx

So we all buy more clothes.

It was your birthday????

I tried that with CR podcast, but I do enjoy watching the VOD, so I cheated and got caught up. Be strong!!!

Thank you Sov, ❤️ Love you too, no need to apologise !!! xx Thanks Rho ❤️ im trying hard to be proud but its really difficult im working on it. xx Thanks loads TG! xx

Honestly, the chance to work collaboratively on a task to that was already taking longer than expected sounds like a win, as long as it isn't doesn't become a regular thing. I have those types of challenges, and working together was probably a learning opportunity for you as well. I also have a paper todo list and I like to finish one page before turning over. It doesn't always happen, but it helps with that annoying job I just want to put off, but it is the last one on that page.

WHOA the show sounds terrific! Great job, nothing like feeling accomplished and productive and like your hard work paid off!!! and happy belated birthday, I hope you do some sort of celebration now things are more settled!

Thank you! It was still enjoyable, definitely. I really want to do more and explore other places. I think sometimes I get very bogged down in 'can't do it without a guide. or being shown what to do, or it won't be as good if I don't'. But honestly, this trip taught me to believe in my own capability. And that is no small thing. Thank you, that really does mean a lot, Tank. I was embarrassed at the first one, the second one or day 2 was both annoying and slightly concerning - it was triggered by something that is a known trigger, but it hit really quickly, my friend Dave said the wrong thing at the wrong moment... it's been a while since I had a flashback that vivid, or a reaction that strong. I was an absolute mess and whilst my friend stayed with me to calm me down (I hid from the main group because there are few things more embarrassing than a complete breakdown in front of people), the guide didn't even bother to check in or see I was okay during or after it. He also completely lacked leadership and guidance qualities. I kind of think if I can handle that and get through that, I can handle anything. Within reason... Thank you Sov! The self-awareness has come slowly, but I'm thankful to finally be getting a handle on it. This - this is a fair statement. It won't and shouldn't stop me trying to always be a little bit better, though. And - thank you. It's still incredible to me that I can in any way be inspiring.

LOL I’m alive! Kind of impressed that despite not working much on mobility, I managed to Gumby-slither out of that machine. Next time I do hip thrusts it will be with a good old fashioned bench and barbell. Recounted this harrowing experience and one of my girlfriends shared her own hip thrust story, some unsolicited advice-guy (it is always a guy) came up to her in the gym and asked her if she “should really be doing those” ?!? I guess her ass looked so powerful already it intimidated him. Good goals. This little window of time (past couple weeks and next week) are supposedly my focus on research time, because I’m not in the classroom, but somehow I’ve been totally snowed with tasks that aren’t research focused. Getting my own thesis students in line, meeting with everyone else’s, reviewing papers, yadda, yadda. Well- okay, most of that is actually research related but not the kind of thing that will enhance my fame or win me a Nobel Prize. But nice to have a break from teaching and time to look around me. It’s a funny spell of weather we’re having where I am, trees are turning awesome fall colours but the temps have been in the steamy high 20s so we all have to go around in shorts and t-shirts! Body goals wise (besides realizing I need to cultivate either massively increased strength to prevent getting trapped in machines or enhanced mobility for better slithering out of them) - eh, weight is pretty much constant, but my unreliable friend the bodyfat scale tells me massive recomp overnight. Do I really believe i lost 9 lb fat overnight and gained 9.5 of fat free mass? Well, not really, but it’s nice to think!

Thanks for the support @Kalitraz, @spiralpoet and @cd667. Having a box to put devices in makes me look at my desk, and realise that I need to organise it! I don't take my phone in the bedroom generally (maybe if I'm going to bed early and listen to an audiobook) - so it is pushing the chair away and moving from the computer and phone is what I need to do. I haven't done bad this week generally. Mid-week update: Go to Gym - three times this week - so a pass already Parkrun - Yes, did it this week. I won't get to one next week as I'm away, but that is allowed so this is on hold Food choices - I have stopped eating after dinner - the only exception was tonight when I ate not long before gym, so had my snack later, but no unscheduled extra food. Carbs very under control - looking to ace this one, depending on my weekend! Food tracking - just once. will be able to get to two but need to put some time aside to do this regularly Bed time - I was going to say tracking well for in bed by 11 but I just checked my fitbit which doesn't agree. Only one day so far, I had better get to bed now to make it two! Wins: Gym consistency and seem to have got ontop of my self-sabatage eating - showing me that it is really a habit. Challenges: Noticing the less time for 'me time' with daily gym ontop of food prep Frustration: I really need to finalise the hike that I'm doing next year in Japan. I keep changing my mind and getting confused about the choices, and then nervious about the language and cultural challenges.

Pleasant Wednesday everyone. This week is going mostly okay. Lots of meetings and other things that need to get done. On the job hunting front, I have a panel interview this Friday for the data architect position. I am a tad nervous for it, but feeling more confident and optimistic than a few other roles I have applied for.. Meals were had on time Monday and Tuesday; however I am still feeling tired quite frequently. Most of my mid day napping has ceased since Maple has joined our family so I am wondering if it is that or if I need to start taking my seasonal vitamin D. Pittsburgh is very grey between Oct-Apr and vitamin D deficiency can cause fatigue. Maple training has regressed a bit. She is full on teething so I suspect that is why we are struggling with the whole potty training. She spends a lot of time chewing on the chew toys we bought her (thank goodness its not the furniture or us). We do give her some frozen treats like carrots, doggy treats or even ice cubes. She likes them a lot. Today I am grateful for morning walks with Maple. We have settled into a routine of walking in the morning before I get coffee and log into work. It has brought peace to my mornings and allowed me to really enjoy the present moments. I feel like I have lost this with not having a commute every morning since working from home. Maple Pic: She is getting soo big. I went back and look at the some of the first photos I posted and she looks so little then. She also sleeps in the weirdest positions.

This is such good management! Super glad for all the green flags your job is waving for you I don't know how you interact with patients of course, but I do know you must be doing a fantastic job if you're anything like you are on here - making people feel welcome, and listened to, and seen, like we can call you a friend no matter how long or short we've known you.

Oooh keys to the store!! You can definitely handle it. I do get the perfectionist anxiety! pants are jerks!! I’m glad you are adjusting to Dave time so we’ll and am glad you were scheduled so you can have more time with him

I get this a lot - I've started cutting the bottom off the trousers, cutting the crotch out and filling the gap. Only with really good patterned trousers that I love though Why don't They just make trousers that have thicker material between the thighs?

It might be, but to them that could be anything from 'meh, not for me' to 'dayyyam yea' depending on their tastes. I have tastes that vary wildly from my friends, and often I'll be attracted to something in/on someone that others find really off putting and vice versa (I mean, if someone has really fair/non existent eyebrows, there is pretty much nothing in the rest of their body that will make them attractive to me ) I guess my point is, do you need for everyone to see you to the level your brain aspires for you? (also, brains are super-self-critical because they are annoying but that's a whole other thing) Also, does Mr H choose you clothes you don't think look good, because he sees things he likes from those that you wouldn't necessarily think about yourself? Either that or he's suggesting you dress frumpy as he's jealous of attention you might get

Wow, almost a year between posting on forums almost feels like a trend for me at this point. Hi! I used to be here, and then like so many other times before, I wasn't. I'll drop the longform version of the last year in spoilers: Short version, everything imploded and it took the better part of the last year to really get back on my feet again. But back on my feet I am, and still needing to get this weight off. I got on the scale at the doctor and was handed a number of 208kg/458lb. Yay. When your doctor tells you something has to change or you won't see 50, it's time to knuckle down again. I've fluctuated everywhere between 170kg/374lbs and here for years, I don't want to do it anymore. On the plus side, I've finally managed to get my enablers to stop with the enabling. So far anyway. I won't hold my breath that it'll continue. So yeah, back at it again. This time we're playing for keeps.

Spoiler alert, none of us are the person we want to be. That said, you are awesome and an inspiring hero to me

This sounds like a brilliant goal.

Thanks, @Chesire. I have not managed to keep to any of my goals this week. But I'm going home tomorrow and when I do that will make things much easier. I have very little freedom here and there are no boundaries - I have to eat what is in the house, basically - this little village in Hampshire has about two buses a day so without a car there's no way to get anything done. I did bring some salad bits which are in my bedroom, but they're not so good now. Still, I spent the day with my dad yesterday, and it was a long and surprisingly respectful conversation. He used to be really awful, but is obviously reflecting about the past. The bit I've blanked below is about cancer and is pretty graphic. Well, that's more than I meant to write. I'm going to put some of this in a spoiler.

I hope you're right. I really was thinking I look pretty good in the mirror. I'll try. I'm sure I like a couple of things and was already semi consciously dressing for them. But yeah... things I thought looked great from the front I am not so sure about any more. Well, some of them. I filmed and watched and rewatched videos of many outfits, and my butt is now looking more familiar and less shocking, and there are some outfits where it looks better and some where it looks worse. Tops that are a little longer look better than those that cut off above the half-butt mark (my hips are so large that they are high as well as wide. I look more like an 8 than an X). Mid length skirts and dresses look stumpy, properly long ones look much nicer in my opinion. And I have one form fitting long sweater dress that makes me look outrageously curvy. I recognise that it is objectively very flattering, but I feel somewhat uncomfortable about the curviness, like me merely existing in that shape is sexual. Which is unfair because it's just my human shape and I have to live here. Anyway I have a lot of wardrobe to replace because stuff has holes in it, is too small, or is stuff that I either talked myself into despite being unsure about, or let Mr Harriet talk me into, or stuff that I now know looks good from the front and terrible from the back. So many wasteful mistakes. But hopefully fewer mistakes from now on. I think I have a formula that works well enough. Thanks for talking it through. I know discussing body image with an insecure person is not the most fun you can have on a Wednesday.

No, it's not. And this is going to be blunt, so brace yourself. You haven't seen that view either. You've seen a video you took of yourself somehow, and you are forgetting that the main reason skilled people get paid huge amounts of money to make professional videos is that it's is extremely difficult to make anyone look good on video. The angle has to be the most flattering one, the light has to be perfect, and then there is hair, makeup, direction, outfit, and camera direction. In other words, unless you a professional, using professional methods, the video is guaranteed to be unflattering and highly misleading. Whatever others see when they look at you from behind you, as you walk past them, is not what you see on that video. Especially not if those others are attracted to women and are checking you out, because the reason they're doing that in the first place is because they really like the way your hips sway when you walk, and how that makes your butt bounce just a little bit with every step. The first step is to stop doing this: Yes, I know that is incredibly difficult, but if you avoid working on that part, nothing else you do will matter. You could look like young Angelina Jolie at the Oscars, and the only thing you would see would see when you looked at yourself in the mirror would be all the weird things that are wrong and asymmetrical and strangely sized, that makes you so very ugly in your own eyes, and distracts you from the beauty the rest of the world sees. Look at yourself, and actively look for positive things that you really like. Things that others can see. Then dress to draw attention to those things. That's the first step.

I mean, I can pose in a fitness-influencer-selfie way and look slim and curvy for a second. But then I look at myself from other angles, or in the videos from behind that I have made of my outfits, and think "Is that how everyone else sees me all the time?" and that's what I feel bad about. I would like to look okay all the time, not just for a second of twisting and sucking in. I won't argue, but I do wonder about your credentials, you having never seen my figure from behind, which is the view that is currently upsetting me since I discovered it. That sounds like it would take a lot of energy when my usual instinct is to shrink and cover up. What is the first step? Well yeah but it seems to me like Homer sucking in his gut for a second. I'd like to feel okay from any angle, you know?

The exhibition sounds exhausting and amazing, so proud of you for pulling it off, and sober too! Huge achievement. Hope you are proud of yourself too!