Bullying/Body Image: How can adults help?

[Librarian of Doom]

I've been reading the bullying thread and I've seen a lot of recurring discussion about body image and how bullying has affected it for many of our members. As someone who works in a school, I see a lot of kids who have issues with body image; I'd really like to help them if I can. I keep an eye out for bullying behaviors as well, and do my best to stop them and to support the kids who are being bullied, but obviously I can't see everything.

My question is: What can I do to help?

Thinking back to the times when you were bullied, or when you struggled (or still struggle) with body image, can you think of anything that an adult could have done to help? Or, at least in the case of body image, is it just one of those things that kids go through, and there's not much anyone other than you can do to help?

[ETFnerd]

i think being a role model helps. also communication of positive behaviors and attitudes in a constructive way. teenagers have a certain way they like to receive information in order to internalize it... that's a big black box mystery to me... but it seems like product marketers to teens and tweeners have it down to a science... must learn more...

[Elastigirl]

I've been thinking on this too. How can I help make sure the young people in my life have good body image. Complimenting doesn't help much, cause it just focuses on the external. Maybe when we see them making good choice health wise (or in other areas too ) noticing that. When I quit sugar it was so helpful when a friend told me what an insppiration I was. I think noticing those things in others and saying them will help.

[Librarian of Doom]

I've been doing my best to fight it with knowledge. Like today at my pancake breakfast fundraiser, one of the 4th graders was talking about how she was "chunky." She is chunky, because she's 10, and her body hasn't started changing yet. I talked to her about how a girl needs a certain body fat percentage in order to start puberty (although I just said "all the changes that are about to happen"). She said something about "Well, tell that to Marissa (her older sister)." I know these girls, and they come from a loving family that has them otherwise very well-adjusted. I hope what I said will stick with her, because she is this amazing, bubbly, outgoing person, and I would hate for her to lose that in poor body image and self-loathing like so many of the middle school girls have. Her older sister was a little chunky in 5th grade, but has slimmed down now, thanks to (I think probably) the activity she gets from cheerleading, so I imagine this girl will too. And I'm sure the older sister is saying these things with the best of intentions, but it makes me sad because I know what it's like when family is, even in a well-meaning way, constantly putting you down about your weight and your size.

[Guest Snake McClain]

my perspective is just like ETF said. You have to reach the bullies. I don't know how to do that except for a one on one confrontation with them (verbal of course) i worked with elementary aged students for a few years and i know because of the relationship i had built with the kids i could pull someone who was being a bully aside and talk to them and they respected me enough to listen. After that it was just the education then it seemed to have stopped. Did it stick forever? I have no idea. All I know is there has to be a way to flip their empathy switch and once that is done the rest is easy. But i don't know for sure.

[aj_rock]

I dunno, I feel like bullying is one of those things in human nature that won't ever just go away. As long as you let kids out of your sight at some point, some kids will show dominating behavior.

I'm not saying to let bullying slide, but I'm sure most of us here are healthy, well-balanced adults despite being bullied as children. Sure it sucks at the time, but I think helping kids focus on knowing that there's a light on the other side of the tunnel will help more.

[Guest Snake McClain]

...but I'm sure most of us here are healthy, well-balanced adults despite being bullied as children...

disagree. because i'm not. seriously i'm 30 and this stuff still messes up nearly every aspect of my life.

[ETFnerd]

and there are some that tragically never make it out as teen suicide statistics show...

[Zorch]

I've been reading the bullying thread and I've seen a lot of recurring discussion about body image and how bullying has affected it for many of our members. As someone who works in a school, I see a lot of kids who have issues with body image; I'd really like to help them if I can. I keep an eye out for bullying behaviors as well, and do my best to stop them and to support the kids who are being bullied, but obviously I can't see everything.

My question is: What can I do to help?

Thinking back to the times when you were bullied, or when you struggled (or still struggle) with body image, can you think of anything that an adult could have done to help? Or, at least in the case of body image, is it just one of those things that kids go through, and there's not much anyone other than you can do to help?

Regarding bullying, it depends on your relation to the bully and the bullied. For the bullied, a supportive, non-judgmental environment is probably the best. But really, parents, teachers, (and yes, friends) need to take bullying seriously and nip it in the bud - focus on fostering respect and decency - and again, approach it in a supportive, non-judgmental way: the bully is more likely to go into a shell(or amplify the bullying) if he feels like he's being attacked, versus a gentler intervention oriented toward fostering understanding.

It's also worth noting that(in my opinion) bully-ish behavior from people a child perceives as "friends" may be far more damaging than the random jerk who is just a pain in everybody's backside - because the child regards that person as a friend, and their opinion as one that matters. I think being on the lookout for the bullying pseudo-friendship is critical for adults.

Regarding body image, I've been there, and honestly there's not much any adult could have done to help the situation(short of teaching me how to eat healthier earlier on, but that's another topic) - simply allow for a supportive, non-judgmental environment. What I really needed and didn't get until somewhat later in life was acceptance of(and positive feedback on) my body from my peers - or not necessarily my body itself, but my personal "attractiveness" as a broader concept. Let's face it, Mom and Dad telling me I'm good looking didn't matter when the opinions that really mattered to me were those of members of the opposite sex close to my age. Perhaps the best thing parents can do here is (while remaining non-judgmental) encourage positive behaviors and help the child get into situations where good things are the most likely outcome.

[ETFnerd]

it's hit or miss for them too, but marketers to young people really seem to be dialed in on how to push kids' buttons effectively... there's a lot that can be learned there and that's where i'm a gonna start...

[Thrillho]

What an adult could have done to help: believe me.

That would have been the biggest thing. So many times I was either treated as though I was exaggerating just to get attention ("Oh, it's not that bad, just walk away from them") or outright lying ("I don't think they would have done THAT!") My son is going through some crap right now, or at least he was a few months ago. Lately he's said that it's been a lot better, and one of the worst bullies is now a friend of his, but the two main reasons he was a target was a) he's a little pudgy (he has arthritis and can't run very well, cut him some slack on the weight) and he's a little wierd (tons of social awkwardness and a repetition stutter). He's gained a lot of friends just by relaxing, and his teachers say he's doing enormously better now than he was before Christmas, so... yay him. Also he's finally realizing he's the biggest kid in his grade by 3 inches and 20 lbs, and he can use that to his advantage, but he knows he's just acting, he's really the absolute gentlest kid I've ever met (which is why his little sisters can kick his ass).

I've gone to the teachers, I've gone to the principal, and on one occasion I've gone to the bully's parents, and it's made a difference, because I believed him. Like Bruce, I'm 31 and this still weighs HEAVILY on my mind, even though it all happened in the 90's, more than half my life ago.

As for the whole body image thing, yeah, he asked a lot if he was fat, especially when the WiiFit kept calling him "Obese". I had to explain that the BMI doesn't work for kids because their distribution is so skewed. The only kid his age who registers "Ideal Weight" is so frighteningly skinny she had to go to the doctor to look into it. I tell my son he eats very healthy (he does), he's really active these days (he is) and that your body will change countless times before you're 20 (it will) so stick with it, and ignore the haters.

My five year old daughter, though, has started getting called fat, and I know that's going to be a whole lot worse if it keeps up.

[andygates]

disagree. because i'm not. seriously i'm 30 and this stuff still messes up nearly every aspect of my life.

Word. I still don't change at the gym, because I can't face that torment-space from school. So yeah, it does properly suck.

[ETFnerd]

a lot of times kids who are bullies act out in this manner because of horrible conditions at home. although what they do cannot be justified, i really believe in correcting root causes of problems, and it usually isn't the kid, but the environment that thay are forced to grow up in. i believe in helping victims of bullying ans abuse, but also the kids who do it lashing out from the abhorrent conditions they have to endure growing up. the following is just art, but i think it is an example of what kids have to endure growing up. i never had to face this growing up so i'm glad artists shed light on things like this that i was largely unaware of...

[Atalan]

If you're like me and can't parse the lyrics while Eminem is rapping:

"Cleanin Out My Closet"

Where's my snare?

I have no snare in my headphones - there you go

Yeah... yo, yo

Have you ever been hated or discriminated against?

I have; I've been protested and demonstrated against

Picket signs for my wicked rhymes, look at the times

Sick as the mind of the mother****in kid that's behind

All this commotion emotions run deep as ocean's explodin

Tempers flarin from parents just blow 'em off and keep goin

Not takin nothin from no one give 'em hell long as I'm breathin

Keep kickin ass in the mornin and takin names in the evenin

Leave 'em with a taste as sour as vinegar in they mouth

See they can trigger me, but they'll never figure me out

Look at me now; I bet ya probably sick of me now ain't you momma?

I'm a make you look so ridiculous now

I'm sorry momma!

I never meant to hurt you!

I never meant to make you cry; but tonight

I'm cleanin out my closet (one more time)

I said I'm sorry momma!

I never meant to hurt you!

I never meant to make you cry; but tonight

I'm cleanin out my closet

Ha! I got some skeletons in my closet

And I don't know if no one knows it

So before they thrown me inside my coffin and close it

I'm a expose it; I'll take you back to '73

Before I ever had a multi-platinum sellin CD

I was a baby, maybe I was just a couple of months

My ****** father must have had his panties up in a bunch

Cause he split, I wonder if he even kissed me goodbye

No I don't on second thought I just ****** wished he would die

I look at Hailie, and I couldn't picture leavin her side

Even if I hated Kim, I grit my teeth and I'd try

To make it work with her at least for Hailie's sake

I maybe made some mistakes

But I'm only human, but I'm man enough to face them today

What I did was stupid, no doubt it was dumb

But the smartest **** I did was take the bullets outta that gun

Cause I'da killed him; **** I woulda shot Kim and them both

It's my life, I'd like to welcome y'all to "The Eminem Show"

I'm sorry momma!

I never meant to hurt you!

I never meant to make you cry; but tonight

I'm cleanin out my closet (one more time)

I said I'm sorry momma!

I never meant to hurt you!

I never meant to make you cry; but tonight

I'm cleanin out my closet

Now I would never diss my own momma just to get recognition

Take a second to listen for who you think this record is dissin

But put yourself in my position; just try to envision

Witnessin your momma poppin prescription pills in the kitchen

******* that someone's always goin throuh her purse and ****'s missin

Goin through public housin systems, victim of Munchausen's Syndrome

My whole life I was made to believe I was sick when I wasn't

'Til I grew up, now I blew up, it makes you sick to ya stomach

Doesn't it? Wasn't it the reason you made that CD for me Ma?

So you could try to justify the way you treated me Ma?

But guess what? You're gettin older now and it's cold when your lonely

And Nathan's growin up so quick he's gonna know that your phony

And Hailie's gettin so big now; you should see her, she's beautiful

But you'll never see her - she won't even be at your funeral!

See what hurts me the most is you won't admit you was wrong

***** do your song - keep tellin yourself that you was a mom!

But how dare you try to take what you didn't help me to get

You selfish *****; I hope you ****** burn in hell for this ****

Remember when Ronnie died and you said you wished it was me?

Well guess what, I +AM+ dead - dead to you as can be!

I'm sorry momma!

I never meant to hurt you!

I never meant to make you cry; but tonight

I'm cleanin out my closet (one more time)

I said I'm sorry momma!

I never meant to hurt you!

I never meant to make you cry; but tonight

I'm cleanin out my closet

I'm sorry momma!

I never meant to hurt you!

I never meant to make you cry; but tonight

I'm cleanin out my closet (one more time)

I said I'm sorry momma!

I never meant to hurt you!

I never meant to make you cry; but tonight

I'm cleanin out my closet

[Flex Luthor]

I don't think talking to the bullies is a good solution. There have always been bullies and I think there always will be. Best thing I can recommend is to encourage kid's with low self-esteem to do things that make them feel good about themselves. One of the main reasons certain kids get bullied is a lack of confidence so if you take away the self-esteem issue the bullying goes away. The absolute best thing I ever did for myself was hit the weights. Made me feel great about myself, boosted my confidence, self-esteem, etc.

[Guest Gemeaux]

Yes but often the bullies get bullied at home too . I don't feel sorry for them but they will just move on to the next person if the victim becomes stronger .

Like a lot of teens get bullied because they are gay . Even when they are confident . So the bullies have to be educated , but the parents need to get educated too. We talk to the parents at my school about their kids and they laugh it off , cuddling their kid saying " oh you have been naughty have you ? "

I had a guy apologize to me for bullying me at school , some people do realize what they did .

[Zorch]

Yes but often the bullies get bullied at home too . I don't feel sorry for them but they will just move on to the next person if the victim becomes stronger.

Unless the right person stands up in the right manner. One approach that I think can help a lot is enlisting the help of well-respected students(not involved in bullying) that everyone looks up to to help put the clamps on bullying. They're peers, so students care a lot about what they think, and they may be third parties - aware of the bullying(as they're able to see things that adults don't), but outside the main cycles of bully/bullied and thus able to act more rationally/impartially. I think having a few students like this lead by example can go a long way towards improving the situation in classrooms - and the best part is that it may be much easier to work with these students, as they're not going to feel attacked/threatened when the situation is discussed with them.

[Waldo]

I've been reading the bullying thread and I've seen a lot of recurring discussion about body image and how bullying has affected it for many of our members. As someone who works in a school, I see a lot of kids who have issues with body image; I'd really like to help them if I can. I keep an eye out for bullying behaviors as well, and do my best to stop them and to support the kids who are being bullied, but obviously I can't see everything.

My question is: What can I do to help?

Thinking back to the times when you were bullied, or when you struggled (or still struggle) with body image, can you think of anything that an adult could have done to help? Or, at least in the case of body image, is it just one of those things that kids go through, and there's not much anyone other than you can do to help?

Adults can't do anything about it. The only way the problem could be eliminated is to eliminate the social structure that creates it. Bullying is created by "popularity". You can't stop the bullying without cutting of the head that creates it. It is like a weed, you have to kill the roots, otherwise it quickly grows back without control.

Just don't punish the kids for being bullied. Nothing is worse than getting your ass kicked by a bully than getting in trouble for getting your ass kicked by a bully (ah the story of my childhood, I was the problem child at school, not the bullies).

*Edit* - The point above may work, if bullying is unacceptable to the top dog popular kids (BOTH male and female), it would probably strongly curtail it. Bullying is created by the social structure and the desire for the middle classes to move up or solidify their place as not at the bottom.

The social structure of kids is largely the same as the social structure within prisons (which schools largely are anyway).

[ETFnerd]

i disagree waldo. i think that bullying stems from issues from the environment in which bullies are raised before they set foot in school. the social structures in place in schools just amplify the problem.

[Silentplanet]

Popular kids aren't the only kinds of bullies. They exist everywhere and in all social settings. The problem stems from bad parenting and unfortunately is getting worse as more people let the television raise their kids. It seems the majority of parents these days don't even want kids.

Outside of school bullies exist due to pressure and stress. Weaker people take out their problems on others. This happens anywhere at any age in any social setting.

Sent from my Galaxy Nexus using Tapatalk

[demonslayer]

A lot of people will disagree with me, but I think the best thing to do is to tell kids to try to stand up for themselves if they are being bullied. Preferably by telling them off, using swear words if necessary, while avoiding physical violence if possible -- though, sometimes a good punch in the face is exactly what a bully needs to leave the poor nerd alone [[Disclaimer: I'm not advocating punching bullies in the face. Very hard.]]. I grew up having the "ignore them and they'll go away" mantra drilled into my head, and ignoring them did not make them go away, it made me an easy target, and I think that fuarked me up a lot more than the bullying itself did. However I also think it's important not to stoop to their level. Telling someone to fuck off is a lot different, and more positive, than committing the same sort of psychological terrorism that they commit against you. Just my $0.02.

[Atalan]

Something I just heard that might be applicable: "It is easier to build up a child, than repair an adult."

I think a lot of the problems happen not from a bully that no one likes or respects, but from that kid that everyone considers to be a good person, admirable, whatever. When the child who is being bullied sees that person as being a position of respect, he or she will take those words more to heart than when a person who no one respects says them.

I think this makes it important for adults who occupy positions of respect in the eyes of the child to build up the child, and to try to direct the child from being overly concerned with their body. Say by showing interest in other things about the child.

[ETFnerd]

when i was a teen i felt adults didn't understand me... now as an adult, i watch a video like this and i'm on the other side... and i don't understand teen culture... i think i'm not trying hard enough...

[Atalan]

I'm talking much earlier in the child's life.

[Corbab]

Regarding body image, I've been there, and honestly there's not much any adult could have done to help the situation(short of teaching me how to eat healthier earlier on, but that's another topic) - simply allow for a supportive, non-judgmental environment. What I really needed and didn't get until somewhat later in life was acceptance of(and positive feedback on) my body from my peers - or not necessarily my body itself, but my personal "attractiveness" as a broader concept. Let's face it, Mom and Dad telling me I'm good looking didn't matter when the opinions that really mattered to me were those of members of the opposite sex close to my age. Perhaps the best thing parents can do here is (while remaining non-judgmental) encourage positive behaviors and help the child get into situations where good things are the most likely outcome.

I've been in the poor body image boat myself (still am somewhat) and I agree that "wait it out" is just about the best thing to do. Advertising isn't going to stop telling people to get skinnier, and "fat" kids aren't going to stop being bullied any time soon. Young people change, and nobody's body is set in stone, even once they've finished growing. I think a little perspective goes a long way in the meantime. Not everything is about being exactly as you're expected to be -- a person's value isn't based solely on their appearance. Encouraging interests and recognizing skills in other areas can make a big difference.