The Super-Smart, Super-Awkward Kid

[Thrillho]

Does anyone else here have a 'quirky' kid? Anywhere on the Autism spectrum, Aspie, or just a little weird? I figure this is a good place to talk, share, swap, commiserate and rejoice.

My kids are 10, 5 and 4. 10 and 4 are very, very much within the realm of super-smart and super-quirky, although it's a lot more subtle for my 4-year old. My 10 year old got his FSA back today (Foundation Skills Assessment) and in all three categories he was 'Exceeding', which is really all they're allowed to make in terms of judgement calls. He's really happy by these results, and reassured that he actually is still a genius, but this is also the same kid who will just wither up into a ball when the waiter asks him what he wants to drink because he either a) is terrified of talking to the waiter or can't choose between iced tea and milk. Sometimes a choice like that will completely break him down and he'll start crying, so we need to stpe in and decide for him just for the sake of everyone else present (and more than a few times he would later say he ACTUALLY wanted orange juice). He's very smart, no doubts there, but he's got more than his share of social anxieties. Bit by bit, he's getting better.

My 4-year old girl was in a Neurological Society special needs group for speech therapy, fine motor skills assessment and a host of other things. She had been on the waiting list since she turned three, and got in when she was almost four, and in those nine months she had almost completely caught up in all areas, but we still went through with all the programs and assessments just because, well, she was still very quirky. She would only eat the same three things, she occasionally reverted to speaking entirely in honks and hoots, she would absolutely refuse to wear clothes and would just wrap herself in blanket 24/7, and she wouldn't brush her teeth or comb her hair or let ANYTHING NEAR HER HEAD OR FACE ON PAIN OF DEATH. Again, most of these things she's greatly improved at during her time at the therapy groups, and she eats a broad variety of things, brushes her own teeth, combs her own hair and picks out her clothes. She is still naked-blanket-baby at home, but when it's time to go somewhere she is all about picking out a cute dress and some tights and putting her own shoes on. Anyways, the results of the ECE interaction and child psychologists and speech pathologists was that she tested, and I swear she actually said this, "off the charts for intelligence". The chart stops at an IQ of 140, apparently, but still, she tested ridiculously high. Of course, she's four, I know a standardized test means nothing, but it is both a little reassuring and a little scary. She plays well in groups of 2 or 3, but any more than that and she kind of gets overloaded. She alternates between complete introversion and being the absolute darling of the party, she can sometimes get REALLY, REALLY frustrated and needs to go sit in the corner and cry for an hour (her idea, we don't make her sit in the corner). She's got a pretty big list of quirks herself. She can read and write better than her older sister, which at this age is pretty unusual.

And then there's our middle child. She's 5, almost 6, and she's always been precocious. 11 teeth at one year, talking in full sentences by the age of two, pretty much full mastery of the computer by age 3, excellent artistic sense by age 4... but she has no social problems. She plays well by herself or in groups, she's talkative and popular and always in a good mood. She's loving and protective of her little sister, she enjoys hugs and kisses and animals, and basically seems really, really... normal. I think this is why, unlike her siblings, she's never BEEN tested for giftedness, she always comes across as completely normal. Looking back on her growing up, though, she ALWAYS seemed older than she was. Many grownups have marveled at how she seems to be a tiny grownup with her speech and mannerisms and even the way she tries to referee the kids on the playground (doing a damn better job than the actual supervisors). She might not have the raw booksmarts of the other two, but if you tell my three kids a riddle, she will be the first one by a mile to figure out out. She has better artistic skills than me, and she makes up these incredible stories just to tell her sister at bedtime. Upon hearing this the ECE and child psychologist wanted to test her, just to see what the results would be. I think that's happening next month.

So we have: 10 year old, 95th percentile for height and weight, voracious reader, probably could make an atomic bomb RIGHT NOW if you asked him, with bullying problems and a ton of social awkwardness. 5 year old, wants to be a 'violin player when I grow up, but I want to drive my own bus and be my own security guard', popular and girly and who might very well already be a grownup, mentally speaking. 4 year old who can read and write and draw and play video games and has started doing the Ages 8 And Up jigsaw puzzles (although rarely has the attention span to finish one).

This isn't a braggy thread. Nothing awesome comes without a price. I just figure there has to be other people out there who have kids who don't fit into an easily-defined 'normal' box.

[joeyb]

My brother-in-law has Asperger's. He's pretty high-functioning, but you can definitely tell that something is going on. We get along pretty well, but the one thing that bothers me about it is that it's pretty hard to have a conversation with him. If he starts a topic, it's him repeating an opinion of someone on the radio or on TV. I'll continue the discussion or correct something that was incorrect in what he said, but the conversation stops there because he's only got what he heard. Has anyone else run into this issue?

[Thrillho]

Actually, that was me for the longest time. Definite Aspie here. That was how I tried to deal with my social awkwardness, I got my opinions from outside sources so I could pretend to have conversations. LOOK HOW NORMAL I AM. I eventually started to pick up on how much this annoyed and creeped out the people around me, and these days I can totally pass myself off as human in most situations. Not much advice for how to deal with it (I lost a couple friends during this phase), or how to help him deal with it.

[katscratch]

Thrillho I think it's awesome you've recognized that in yourself, I think we all have ways in which our communication with people breaks down or just doesn't click quite right, and to be able to change that at all is pretty remarkable!

I'm really really lucky to live in a city with an insane amount of Asperger/Autism awareness and resources, so the social difficulties my kiddo had when he was younger, even though not on the spectrum, were addressed readily by teachers and friends with kids on the spectrum. I'm also in an area that's very gluten-sensitivity aware, and many of my friends' kids on the spectrum are also gluten intolerant or just do better overall without gluten, so overall we're pretty blessed here.

Some of my friends' kids have sensory disorders as well, and a lot of them have found that martial arts have helped. My cousin described it as helping with "crossing the midline" - difficulty with physical movements that require you use both sides of your body at the same time but not symmetrically, like tying a shoe. My nephew has always gotten frustrated really easily if what he's doing at that moment doesn't go the way he wants it to, and the whole concept of losing 1000 times before you win has really helped him to minimize his sense of "failure" in other areas in his life. He started when he was 11 or 12. For my own kiddo, fencing has done similar things- it was a long long time before he won a bout, but he got to hit things with swords, and his coaches when he was little were all about imagination, they recognized that most young kids were there because of light sabers and used tons of Star Wars references. If you ever want to see a club full of smart nerds, check out a fencing club, the kids at his are amazing and really supportive of the kids that have a hard time in groups, and his coach runs D&D for them ok that was kind of a tangent! I didn't really say anything along the lines of what you were going for lol....

I think it's awesome that you and your wife have taken time to recognize your kids process differently, the fact that you see their strengths and also the areas they struggle is so big, I think it's easy for a lot of people to not notice that little sense that something's "off". Your kids sound like they are full of life, and they're lucky to have you for a dad!

[Thrillho]

I don't think I want to give my kids swords. The world just isn't ready for that.

And yeah, I see what you mean. I really try to reinforce the "There are no failures, just results" mindset with my son, but if he tries something and fails, or thinks he'll fail, or just does badly for a LITTLE while, it really takes a lot out of him. The only board games he plays all the way through are the ones where you tally up the score at the END, because then he can't tell if he's losing or winning. Unfortunately this sort of behaviour really doesn't endear him to other kids on organized sports teams, but like I said, he's getting a lot better month by month, year by year.