Fear of Success

[LRB]

An odd thing has been happening as we approach the end of this six-week challenge. I'm close to making all my goals. And I'm awfully uncomfortable with that, but don't know why. My two main goals were weight-related and bodyfat-percentage-related. I've long since made the bodyfat goal. And last week, I was flirting with the weight goal (I average my weight over the week, so the fact that I hit my goal number twice really doesn't mean much, unless I also get below the number). And then I had a planned "weekend pass" this past weekend due to a whole bunch of previously-scheduled events (remember, the challenge was supposed to start and end a week earlier than it did/will). And I can accept all of that. But I was having the world's hardest time going back to clean eating - not that I didn't have the BEST of intentions, but I'd ignore them.

I've realized two things: (1) the way my body reacted to my one-weekend hiatus means that this clean-eating thing really is better for me, and I might have to make a lifelong thing of it (also - I'm not so good at allowing small indulgences; they grow quickly into big indulgences); and (2) for whatever reason, I'm actually reluctant to make my goal weight. It's not like it's an unhealthy number or anything - I'm just sabotaging myself as I approach it. I wonder why? It's not like anything is actually going to change when I lose a pound or two (or like I expect or hope that anything will change).

For better or for worse, though, having realized what I was doing, I've had an easier time today sticking with what I know I need to do to get there. Maybe just being aware that my actions are thwarting my goals is enough. Well, not just that my actions are getting in the way, but that I am consciously choosing to do them because they get in the way.

Anyone else like this? Any insight you might be able to offer?

I am reminded, as I write this post, that Marianne Williamson, in "A Return to Love," said: "Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?' Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we're liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."

Words to live by, yo.

[morethanjustamom]

I understand. I'm pretty sure I'm on the verge of sabotaging myself. I've done it so many times before...I must be rid of self-defeating behavior!!

[Artinum]

Perhaps you're frightened that, if you meet your goal, there will be no more worlds to conquer? Or that the rewards of success will not be as exciting as they should be?

I know when I got near the end of my novel's first draft I felt a sense of excitement and delight, and when I finished it I felt great... for a day. After that I felt a little lost. What was I going to aim at now? Perhaps you're going through something similar. My solution with the novel was to set a new goal - publication - so perhaps you need to consider future goals for your own challenges?

[wildross]

I have this all the time. A friend first pointed it out to me about 5 years ago. Still have not totally come to grips with it, but I know I do it. I think it relates to "if I never finish, I can't be graded" thought. My dad was pretty rough on me (mentally) several times when I had completed a school project, and gotten an A for it. But it wasn't good enough for him for various reasons. I think I have this thought in my head, that if it isn't done, I can still fix it.

Maybe by the time I'm 60 I'll have it figured out...

[ETFnerd]

this is one of the reasons why i don't do the challenges. at the very least, if you're going to do short term goals, they should be in the context of what you want in the long-term out of life. i think of life goals as a continuous thread from cradle to grave, not as a collection of stuff (or underpants) gathered depending on how i feel that day. sure, the thread may shift as my thinking evolves as to what i want out of life, but there should still be a long term thread connecting what you want to achieve in the future. that's why my goal at this time is 10 years out. Next year, my goal or outlook will still be 10 years fwd.

it's like when you're driving. bad, novice drivers focus all their attention on a spot a few feet in front of the car. they are focused on immediate dangers. an experienced driver will focus on that, but also will look far down the road at the same time, and the sides, check the rearview and their blind spot. this is a holistic approach to life.

if you are looking far down the road all the time, you needn't worry about artificial short term markers, milestones and keeping from achieving them... these become just matter-of course in the journey...

i feel like i just went all tai-chi on your a$$e$... hahaha...