Discovery of the Size Acceptance Community

[dracopervicax]

There is so much awesome stuff in this thread. There are a couple of points, though, that I think are worth bringing up about FA in particular.

- According to FA, if someone feels bad about themselves because they are fat, it's usually because of societal pressures and stigmas against fat people. It's very difficult to delineate between intense social pressure and the values of the individual.

- It's been mentioned on this thread, but if a person is fat and is happy being fat (either because being fat makes them happy or because they prioritize other things above their physical appearance), then they should feel no pressure to change. Societal pressure mentioned above is one way in which fat people are pressured to change.

- FA brings to light the correlation/causation issue with regards to fat and health. It's also been mentioned, but people who assume that someone is unhealthy because they are fat might be mistaken.

For what it's worth, I don't think it's appropriate to suggest changes for a fat person, even if it appears that they might want it. As I'm sure we all know, losing weight is SCARY and PERSONAL and, because of our society's pressure to be thin, comes with a lot of misinformation, misguided people, and poor motivation (being thing vs. being healthy/fit).

The best thing you can do for someone who expresses a dissatisfaction with their weight is ask them what THEY want to do. And not when they are expressing their insecurities to you. Cause that's essentially what it is. If a person is saying that they are feeling fat, they are revealing to you that they are feeling insecure about their body, and that's probably the WORST time to suggest that they do something. It's a little insensitive to their feelings, but it is also counterproductive. We are very rarely open to making changes when we are feeling insecure about ourselves. We are focused on all the things that we have done wrong to get us to that point where we don't like, instead of looking at a positive means for change.

What I would suggest instead is to express sympathy towards how the person feels and then later, after some time has passed and their mood has rebounded, sit them down and have a serious conversation with them. Tell them that you noticed that they seemed unhappy about their weight and that you want to help them, if they want you too. Ask them if losing weight/being in shape is something that they really want, or if they think they're just caving to societal pressures. Give them love and support as a friend, not advice and counsel as if you were their doctor.

[yadz]

here's the thing, if you eat healthy food, and you maintain an active lifestyle, it shouldn't matter what your size and shape is.

the fact of the matter is, however, if you eat right and exercise, you're not going to be morbidly obese (barring medical factors).

Nobody should ever make somebody feel poorly due to their appearance, no matter what. However, a lot of these "size acceptance" sites are a whole lot of smoke and mirrors distracting from the real issues of health.

also: there are practicalities involved in not being obese. these include being able to run errands unassisted, being able to comfortably fit into a car or airplane, being able to use a porta-potty, being able to play with your kids without getting winded, being able to buy clothes from any store in the mall instead of having to waste money on overpriced plus-sized stores, not getting infections from bacteria growing in skin folds, easily being able to tie your shoes without having to hold your breath because your belt is pressing into your stomach and pushing on your diaphragm.

I have dealt with all of the above issues, and all the "I love me just the way I am" rhetoric didn't change the fact that being obese has severe life consequences ranging from the dangerous to the mundane.

[oystergirl]

this is such an interesting thread but first and foremost I want to send out a big hug to EFT for being so introspective and open about this thoughts and feelings. Bro, I have your back, you know that always, even if we do argue like brother and sister sometimes.

I have to say that i have been on both sides of this spectrum and at the end of the day what is important to recognize is that what is considered FAT in this day and time was considered food storage and a means of survival in previous times. The bodies of Rueben's girls that were considered the height of sensuality for that time would be considered fat today. I frankly LOVE that I have fat genes because when the zombie apocalypse comes along I know I can hole up and live a long time on just water and grass. I told the story once on here about going to college with a Prince from Ghana and he LOVED fat women and courted many. I have not told the story of my friend who is a skinny black girl living in the south and is told she is not sexy cause she don't have a booty or meat on her bones.

Anyone who looks at another person and judges them, while hurtful, is judging themselves even harder on the inside. I see my sister do it all the time. It used to hurt me but it doesn't anymore because frankly I see her killing herself to maintain her no-carb overexercising lifestyle and while she thinks nothing of calling others FAT WHALE in front of me with no regard for my personal appearance or feelings (I weigh 164 right now at almost five five), I know that I love myself tons, I have dealt with what seemed like insurmountable obstacles of disease and sexual assault and at the end of the day the only person's opinion on ME that i care about is my own...and I love me, and I wicked fucking ROCK and no one is gonna say different.

Though my heart goes out to those who torture themselves because of weight-either too much, or lack there of. I watched stick thin ballerina's starve themselves as a child and my sister puke her guts up as an adult after every meal until she got her bulimia under control. I love her very much and to me, her real self is beautiful and voluptuous and I wish she would love that person. I really do.

I find that for me, who reads energy, it is almost something I have to actively do, to see someone's body--because I am feeling what their soul is like and reacting to that. Some of the most beautiful people I know, some of the most magnetic and charismatic and attractive have far from the prototypical perfect body. What do they have in common? SELF love, SELF acceptance and an open heart.

big hugs to everyone here who shared a bit of themselves. To love yourself is the BEST thing you could EVER do for your health because in TRULY loving yourself, you chose to do no harm and you choose to take care of yourself and you choose to give yourself a break...and sometimes that is all the difference you need to make your life better.

[ZenGwen]

I agree with all of the things you don't like about it. It helps to remember they aren't trying to sabotage you on purpose. It really has nothing to do with you at all - you don't even need to be in the room for another woman to have that conversation with herself. Its one of those things you have to do as a member of society, like Mother's Day. It's a test, there is a right way and a wrong way to respond, and if you do it correctly, you are a good person. Otherwise... in the case of fat talk, you're a self-righteous know-it-all who thinks I'm fat and ugly and that she's better than everyone else. And now we can gossip about you! Yay!

As I said, I find it really powerful to call it out. "Hey, stop talking about my friend like that" when someone is putting themselves down is an amazing way to wake a pal up, so then you can explain that there's this thing called fat talk, and it puts everyone in a terrible place, and we shouldn't do it anymore.

Yeah - I guess I just need to remind myself that just because I've stopped being overly self-conscious in some ways, doesn't mean I'm not self-conscious! It's not about me... I think I'm going to call my friends out on this stuff in future.

For what it's worth, I don't think it's appropriate to suggest changes for a fat person, even if it appears that they might want it. As I'm sure we all know, losing weight is SCARY and PERSONAL and, because of our society's pressure to be thin, comes with a lot of misinformation, misguided people, and poor motivation (being thing vs. being healthy/fit).

The best thing you can do for someone who expresses a dissatisfaction with their weight is ask them what THEY want to do. And not when they are expressing their insecurities to you. Cause that's essentially what it is. If a person is saying that they are feeling fat, they are revealing to you that they are feeling insecure about their body, and that's probably the WORST time to suggest that they do something. It's a little insensitive to their feelings, but it is also counterproductive. We are very rarely open to making changes when we are feeling insecure about ourselves. We are focused on all the things that we have done wrong to get us to that point where we don't like, instead of looking at a positive means for change.

What I would suggest instead is to express sympathy towards how the person feels and then later, after some time has passed and their mood has rebounded, sit them down and have a serious conversation with them. Tell them that you noticed that they seemed unhappy about their weight and that you want to help them, if they want you too. Ask them if losing weight/being in shape is something that they really want, or if they think they're just caving to societal pressures. Give them love and support as a friend, not advice and counsel as if you were their doctor.

I think that varies entirely by the person you're talking to. That may be true for a lot of people, but I am the exact opposite. If I was feeling down on myself and someone made a suggestion or offer, that's when I would be most likely to take them up on it. Whereas if I was feeling good and not thinking about it at all, and someone said "Hey do you want to come running with me?" it would have been... "What? Do you think I need to?" My mom was constantly doing stuff like that, bringing it up when I was feeling good and thus bringing me right down. It really got to me.

[LizOh]

I've heard this, albeit only second-hand. Some friends of mine were outraged recently by some FA people *actively talking other women out of exercising and losing weight*, on the grounds that it was non-feminist and giving into society's perceptions of beauty, and you should always be accepting of yourself and the weight you are.

There's a difference between accepting that people are valuable no matter what the weight, and telling yourself and others that there's absolutely nothing wrong with being obese.

Yeah, I mean, we're working with generalizations here, right? So, what you heard second hand, and what I read on a blog or twitter somewhere isn't going to ring true for an entire community.

That said, "wrong" is a judgement. And it's ok to make judgements - I mean, genocide, child abuse, incest, and some of the things I've exposed myself to on chat roulette are wrong. But, are we really willing to put obesity in that category? We can say there are consequences to obesity without looking at a human body, whether ours or someone else's, and saying that it's wrong. It's hands are wrong. It's face is wrong. It's thighs and hips are wrong. Let's trust people to decide for themselves what's right and wrong... It just takes up way too much energy to do anything else anyway.

[ETFnerd]

Nice to know that even us 5ft tall middle aged women have an equal chance of winning medals at the Olympics as the 20yr old 6ft tall men. If we just have enough willpower and train hard, right?

I said theoretically there is a chance... however I never said you had an equal chance... that's preposterous... hahaha...

i can beat michael phelps in the 100m butterfly... but he'd have to have a heart attack before the first 50m... and there's still a chance he may still beat me... ;-)

[Shoshie]

the fact of the matter is, however, if you eat right and exercise, you're not going to be morbidly obese (barring medical factors).

Nobody should ever make somebody feel poorly due to their appearance, no matter what. However, a lot of these "size acceptance" sites are a whole lot of smoke and mirrors distracting from the real issues of health.

FYI, I generally eat pretty nutritiously and get way more activity than most folks in the US, and I'm morbidly obese (5'2 and ~250 lbs). Actually, I technically *just* make it into the super obese category, which is one above morbid obesity. The truth is that I can run errands unassisted, fit into cars (airplanes are harder, but I still fit), use porta potties, play with kids, have never had a skin infection, and easily tie my own shoes (when I'm not wearing my Vibrams or going barefoot, natch). I would love to shop in cheaper brick-and-mortar stores instead of sewing my own clothes, buying expensive crap at Lane Bryant, or buying clothes online, but that has nothing to do with my health and capabilities and everything to do with biases and prejudice in the clothing industry. And that's what a lot of the SA stuff is, ultimately, about. It's not about health or whatnot. That's personal and varied. But what's universally true is that people deserve dignity regardless of their size, shape, and weight. Humanity is not dependent on size.