The Selfish Gene

[Rosie]

...

[Benjsec]

I can completely sympathise, sadly this sort of thoughtless selfishness seems to be becoming more prevelent. I haven't really found a good way to deal with it, and have generally found that lowering expectations when around such people, or avoiding them when possible, helps. Sometimes I even get a nice suprise and they haven't acted as badly as I'd expected them to...

[Rosie]

So we just have to lower our expectations to avoid being constantly disappointed? That's depressing.

[Benjsec]

A combination of that and choosing friends wisely.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that's the only way by any means. Certainly with some people I'm sure you could point it out to them, and encourage them to change their behaviour. But I also know some people with whom trying to take such an approach would quickly decend into an arguement and end up achieving nothing.

[progress126]

I can sympathize with you as well. The person I spoke of in my little rant in the Argh thread yesterday is a selfish person and does not get along with most people at work. She is not a team player and no matter how many times she's been spoken to about her attitude she is still a selfish person. Some people are willing to change; others are not. You just try to have less of these people in your life.

[Rosie]

...

[Benjsec]

Alternatively, dilute their effect by surrounding yourself with lots of awesome people.

[scarletleavy]

I'm also talking though about the people who to them it doesn't even occur to them that they might be acting in a selfish way. They are just happy to amble on, doing their own thing and not stopping to think of others on the way. It might be simple things like saying Shall we go watch a movie tonight, and when you suggest something they'll just say "no I dont want to see that, lets see this instead" and the thought hadn't even entered their head to think about what someone else might want to do, just what they want. I find myself just saying "yeah whatever you want to do" sometimes in a sarcastic manner which I hate because it makes me come across as being stroppy!

I'll be the first one to admit that I'm like this. My father is exactly the same way and I guess I grew up thinking it was normal. I'm also a really direct/get things done kind of person so sometimes when I say or do things, I forget that other people might get upset or hurt or (insert other emotional responses) by it. I'm not doing it to be mean, it just doesn't occur in my thought process.

So from someone who's like this, here are some things that help, or at least have helped me. You have to tell them what's bothering you, directly and calmly, no passive-aggressiveness, no hinting, no sarcasm etc. Call them out, say you didn't appreciate their behavior, how it made you feel and offer a constructive suggestion. And keep doing it. You'll find out pretty quickly if this person is willing to change or not. If they're not willing to change, don't bother. If they are, keep trying. We're not all bad people, I promise.

[mandy75]

You treat people how to treat you. When you are always 'that' person, that is always there for them,listening to them, never get upset with them when they don't think of you ect, they take advantage and get lazy. They probably don't even realize they are doing it. You have to stand up and let someone know, how they treated you was NOT ok. Not, in a passive aggressive, hinting, mumbling, sarastic kind of why, but direct, or they will never get it. Some people really can be oblivious to how they act until you point it out.

[Mordechaj]

This will happen to you as long as you allow this to happen to you. It does not mean that you are responsible for them behaving like spoiled children - it means that you are responsible for them behaving like spoiled children to you.

There is no easy or nice way to point out to someone that he's not OK in his interaction with you. It can only be constructive or not. Sarcasm, hinting, subtle tips and whatnot are not constructive, neither is confrontational attitude or arguing.

When shit happens point out: "Look over here! This here is shit, and I don't like it."

or:

Call them out, say you didn't appreciate their behavior, how it made you feel and offer a constructive suggestion. And keep doing it.

You can not change others. All you can do is point out and if it's important enough for them they'll change.

You can change yourself, become more assertive and stop tolerating things that are not acceptable to you.

And yes, lowering your expectations is necessary. As a general principle people expect too much from life, others, and too little from themselves. Unless they are compensating over-achievers, then they expect too much from themselves too.

[progress126]

Progress- this person at your work sounds like they need a right kick in the pants! Thats a pretty unflattering trait in a person.

I'm also talking though about the people who to them it doesn't even occur to them that they might be acting in a selfish way. They are just happy to amble on, doing their own thing and not stopping to think of others on the way. It might be simple things like saying Shall we go watch a movie tonight, and when you suggest something they'll just say "no I dont want to see that, lets see this instead" and the thought hadn't even entered their head to think about what someone else might want to do, just what they want. I find myself just saying "yeah whatever you want to do" sometimes in a sarcastic manner which I hate because it makes me come across as being stroppy!

Ya. She does and my coworker will be the first to volunteer to do it too!

As for your situation and reading more of the replies here I agree that you have to matter of fact tell this person it bothers you when they do it. They may not even know they do it. If you keep telling them enough times hopefully they will get it.

[SusieBlu]

I live with a selfish gene person. Unfortunately, he is one of those not willing to change people. At least not right now when it is needed. Being assertive is important. The best formula I have is "When you ______, I feel _____, I would appreciate it if you ________" It is not accusing the person of something. It is telling them how you feel. Sometimes that works sometimes, it doesn't. I have let him get away with too much and have allowed him to be selfish. I am doing what I can to change the situation and keep our relationship positive and in the end I am the only one I can control.

[Rosie]

Thanks so much for the advice here guys. I will try and make it known when I don't appreciate being walked all over. My boyfriend has often said that I tend to keep things that are bothering me bottled up and he know's when something is wrong but I wont say it. I think my mum gets me most in that she knows I'm more empathic towards others and a bit of a sensitive soul (not to say I'm a cry baby!)

[gymell]

Sounds like this person is taking advantage (probably unconsciously) of your empathetic/generous personality. Why did you clean up their popcorn mess in the kitchen - shouldn't the person who made the mess have cleaned it? That's a big red flag to me. I think to a certain extent, selfishness can be a good thing because otherwise you can wind up being a doormat. People who aren't as sympathetic as you will wind up taking you for granted, and it sounds like that's what's happening. Instead of becoming upset about it, have you tried standing up for yourself more firmly and consistently? Let people know what's acceptable and what's not. I think most people respond to that once made aware. Recognize that there will be some people who will continue to be rude regardless, and then exclude those people from your life. No reason to waste your time on them.

[jjhatch]

I have the same issues, except with my roommate who also happens to be my sister. We go grocery shopping weekly and split the bill evenly, and share the food, but I've noticed recently that she's eating more and more of the food. Like I just made some homemade trail mix Tuesday night, and there was about 4 cups worth. I've had less than a cup since then, but when I went to get some today more than half of it was gone. Meanwhile the prepackaged trail mix that she wanted when we went shopping is sitting unopened. And whenever she makes food she either never makes leftovers or only makes a little bit, and eats it. When I make food there's always leftovers, but she ends up eating it.

She's basically always been this way, and I know that I need to be more assertive but it's hard for me to, because the few times I have done it, she tends to turn it around and make it seem like it's my fault.

[SusieBlu]

She's basically always been this way, and I know that I need to be more assertive but it's hard for me to, because the few times I have done it, she tends to turn it around and make it seem like it's my fault.

I feel ya. I have had this happen to me with my person. The best thing you can do is not become defensive yourself and explain your feelings and offer a solution. Whatever you decide to do you have to stick with it or she will go back to old behavior.