Disordered eating, miscarriage, body hate, Oh My!

[krj]

Hi everyone. I'm a 33-year-old female. Like a lot of people, I'm sure, I have a long, sordid story, most of which is too long to rehash here. Suffice it to say, I'm not a newbie to fitness and body "embetterment." However, my quest for "self improvement" has, in the past, taken me down the road of an obsessive fixation on food, calorie counting, and trying to be as lean as possible. I've never been one to want to look like a twig and I've always enjoyed my muscles, but in the past I've tried to get my body fat into the perhaps-too-low range. It has resulted in whacked out hormones, missed menstrual cycles, and general anxiety and body loathing.

I have, more recently, struggled with trying to conceive (perhaps related to being too lean in the past, even though I now have a fair bit of "womanly fat"). I had a miscarriage about a month ago, so I am also struggling with feeling really let down by my body.

I got fed up with my previous online health community (a pretty well-known calorie counting site). I couldn't take the fixation on weight loss (in sometimes very unhealthy ways) so I deleted my account and resolved to be done with the calorie counting and (perhaps) weight loss ambitions forever. I resolved to turn my attention toward fitness and body image health. I decided to view my exercise routine (heavy lifting and 30 minutes on the elliptical 3x/week) as something that I did to feel good in my skin and help my mental health and NOT think about it as "a way to burn calories" (or whatever). Remarkably, it has suddenly become much easier to get to the gym! And I suddenly like what I see in the mirror a lot more.

But I need a new online home for support, so... Here I am!

[d00slip]

I'm sorry to hear krj, it seems you have a positive attitude at least This is probably the best outlook on health & fitness I've seen in a long time, kudos for being able to do so. I too have a warped sense of my body, something I always remind myself of is a line from Baz Luhrmann's song Sunscreen: " In 20 years you’ll look back at photos of yourself and recall in a way you can’t grasp now how much possibility lay before

you and how fabulous you really looked….You’re not as fat as you imagine"

[krj]

Thanks for the welcome and for reminding me about that song! I haven't thought about it in years!

[Librarian of Doom]

Welcome! Congratulations on your new outlook; it sounds like you're headed in the right direction!!! I know it can be really hard to trust your body after a miscarriage. Good for you for doing good things for your body!

[Maple]

I haven't yet introduced myself to the boards (I started a workout/battle log thread and then started looking around and realized how much awesomeness there is here) but as someone who has been through miscarriage in the last few months, know that it will get better with some time. I think all I really wanted in the thick of it was for someone who had been there to say, "I know". It affects everyone differently, but that does not change the fact that it is affecting.

Your body will come around, I promise. I felt the exact same way - I felt kind of betrayed. This is TMI, but I had never been more relieved to get my period in my entire life. Things still worked! (Also, you and I are the same age, so the approaching mid-30's is also kind of scary. My little sister already has two kids.)

Definitely look around here, you'll find some pretty great advice and support here. So newbie to newbie, Welcome!