Training to be a superhero

[dragonjax]

My name is Jackie, and I want to be a superhero. Or maybe just look awesome in spandex and heels. No, I definitely want to be a superhero. The spandex and heels thing is a total bonus.

I'm a writer. And one of the keys to being a productive writer is keeping your ass in a chair and your fingers on the keyboard. Over the years, my butt has become chair-shaped, and while my fingers were getting a nice workout, the rest of me, well, not so much. Almost three years ago, my sons (the Precious Little Tax Deductions) started doing tae kwon do, and after watching their classes for a couple of months, Loving Husband and I dared each other to join the adult class. Two and a half years later, Loving Husband and I are getting ready to test for our advanced brown belts, and I'm psyching myself up to do a running jump and launch off of a chair to break a board (and not land on my chair-shaped ass). Yes, I break boards with my hands and feet. The flying thing, though, is very new. Gravity isn't my friend. And inertia is my nemesis. (Training to be a superhero -- I have to have a nemesis, no?)

I've been on tons of diets. Low fat? Yep. Atkins? Uh huh. Vegetarian? Yes. Vegan? You bet. Everything In Moderation? Yup. Low carb? Been there. The no-diet diet? Hell yes. After much experimentation (read: finally realizing that eating a pint of ice cream, while yummy, really isn't an ideal lunch), I started logging everything I was eating and all of my exercise on LoseIt. For a while, everything in moderation worked, and then I hit a massive plateau. I'd been going to the gym 3 - 4 times a week, doing 40+ minutes on the cross trainer (sort of an elliptical on steroids) and then hitting the weight machines, and on my TKD days (3 times a week) I was also doing stationary biking for 30 minutes. I was getting frustrated with how little I felt the exercise was accomplishing. And there was a very creepy guy at the gym who liked to talk to me when I was on the cross trainer. Ick.

Around this time, I started doing more research about nutrition. I read GOOD CALORIES, BAD CALORIES, and from there I wound up finding Mark's Daily Apple, and I read THE PRIMAL BLUEPRINT. I went primal in August 2011, kept it up until post-Thanksgiving 2011, and then hit massive writing deadlines and wound up focusing on being productive instead of being healthy. Back to pizza and beer! (Actually, Italian food and wine.)

Shockingly, the weight came back. (Wait, did I not mention the weight? There is weight. Too much of it. Well, more specifically, too much fat. See the above about the chair-shaped ass.) Mid-May, I made a halfhearted attempt to go back to primal, and in June I did Whole 30 for about three weeks. And then we had Mood Swings! Yes, such massive Mood Swings that they deserve the initial caps! Forget about inertia being my nemesis -- now I had to fight the evil duo of Uncontrollable Crying and Life Sucks. It occurred to me, amid all the crying and whatnot, that being super restrictive with my eating might not be the best way to go. So for the rest of June, I went off of paleo and attempted to be pseudo primal. Primalish. Sorta. By the start of July, my weight was up, my outlook was bleak, and Life Sucks had gone solo.

And then...epiphany! I didn't have to jump into a way of eating headfirst. (With both feet? Insert your favorite cliche here.) I could ease into it. I really liked being primal -- I felt the best and looked pretty good too. So instead of going whole hog (whole cow?) and ditching all the grains and processed foods from the house (and causing a massive rebellion from my family), I started avoiding wheat. I also started keeping track of food reactions. After a few weeks of being (relatively) wheat-free, I'm ready to reduce and eventually ditch the added sugar. Baby steps, you know?

Along with this, I joined CrossFit. For the past three weeks, I've been going twice a week. This was my first week of going three days. And I didn't vomit after doing three rounds of 22 kettlebells (20 pounds), 22 box jumps (actually, aerobic step ups), running (plodding) 400 meters, 22 burpees (fucking burpees) and 22 wall balls (10 pounds). I also was pleased to discover that I didn't die.

This training to be a superhero thing is **hard**. But if it was easy, then everyone would be a superhero. Or a supervillian. They get the better lines.

Anyway, hi, here I am. **waves** My geek cred includes coauthoring two superhero novels and writing a Tales of the Vampires comic set in the Buffyverse. I am officially two steps removed from Joss Whedon. (Well. Okay. I was on the phone with the editor, and then he said, "Hey, I hate to do this, but Joss is on Line One, and he's really hard to catch -- can I call you back?" And I was thinking HOLY SHIT THAT'S JOSS WHEDON ON LINE ONE, but what I said was, "Sure, no problem." So I'm kinda sorta two steps removed from Joss. For that one instant. Which, happily, I can replay in my brain any time I want.)

[nenia]

Hi! I'm new too and kind of coming to the same revelation -- jumping into I AM FIXING MY DIET FOREVER never worked for me. I am on the same track as you were, trying to cut down on my wheat and grain (A LOT). I love that you go to CrossFit! That's one of my rewards when I get to a bit of a fitter state.

Welcome!

[dragonjax]

Thanks, Nenia -- and welcome to you too!

[Laney]

Haha holy crap, that post was awesome. Congrats, you're officially my new favorite person XD

[tonic]

Woah, we should be friends. I am a superhero is training too, but I think you are closer to becoming one. I can be your back up. I had the same experiance with jumping into paleo, it freaked my body out and yeah, I had to stop and slowly ease my way back into that. It seems to have stuck for now, but I am not hardcore, I don't even keep track of paleo verse non paleo days, I just chose paleo over not.

Crossfit is awesome, I loved my coach, and am thinking of getting back into it once I get a job. You are on the right track, and I can't wait to see what you accomplish. Maybe we can even make a superhero team...

[dragonjax]

Hi, Laney! Thanks -- I hope to live up to your favorite personness!

Tonic, we'd make a FABULOUS crime-fighting duo. All we'd have to do is say "Burpee" and the villains would drop like flies. Or run away, very fast.