Which is worse: impulsiveness or misery?

[Unda]

So, I hate my job. I hate one specific co worker that I work closely with and cannot get away from and yes, to those who have read my previous work related rants and read http://www.nerdfitness.com/blog/2012/05/29/unhealthy-coworker/ yes, it's THAT co worker.

Her unpleasantness has escalated now to flat out bullying and meanness. I have tried avoiding her, I have tried ignoring it, I have tried being positive and yes, I have told my managers and my manager's manager. Nothing has changed, in fact it's getting worse. A job I loved I now hate going into. I worked for free for a year to be able to get a job here and now I can't stand this place. I lay in bed in the morning and have to remind myself that I can't just call in sick when I'm not just so that I'm not there (once or twice I've not managed that).

I want to quit and I'm trying to leave, but I'm having an impossibly hard time finding work. I don't want to go back to retail because I only just recently got out of that hell and I've got a frickking MASTERS degree, I don't want to go back there again. But seeing as I work in charity jobs at the moment are pretty slim on the ground. I've had an interview but they're still deciding, although the job is all the way in Brighton.

I don't know whether to just try to hold on until I get something, which will take quite a while as by the time I get home and finally manage to coax myself into feeling like a happy human being again and not a quivering mess I then have to eat and workout, which when combined with other commitments which I need to keep up for my mental sanity leaves me very little time for job hunting. leaving me potentially in this job for longer.

So do I suck it up and keep looking whilst in work (albeit a job that I hate and is making me lose the will to live) or do I just straight up quit and then frantically look for work before me and hubby go broke?

Obviously I need to speak to my hubby about this but before I bring it up to him, what do you guys think?

[BeckyBuckeye]

I say if it's possible, get out. Stressful jobs can affect your overall health, and not only weight-wise. Obviously, talk to your husband and evaluate your financial situation before you make a final decision, but if it's possible and you're miserable, leave while you still have some sanity. You do have the option of going back into retail hell as a temporary thing if you need the financial help. *Hugs*

[Eurydice]

Is it just her that's making you hate your job? You say you've talked to your managers - have you told them straight out, in unambiguous language, that this crazy bitch is creating a hostile work environment and if they don't get her off your case you're going to leave? Have you told *her* straight up to get off your case?

If you've escalated it as far as you can, and your managers aren't willing to manage, then yeah, your health and sanity may warrant leaving. Just be really clear-eyed about it and realize that you may be out of work for a very long time. Jobs are hard enough to get when you already have one, let alone when you have gaps in your resume to explain.

[Laney]

Call HR, and keep/document any rude emails or comments she makes to you. If you actually have proof of bullying she will be gone asap. If not, you can always threaten your workplace with a lawsuit. I set up an HR Tipline at my company because of things like that.

Seems harsh but you love your job and she's making it hell, she's gotta go.

Edit: also it's a known fact that married women do nothing but clean and eat rice krispies all day

[Unda]

Call HR, and keep/document any rude emails or comments she makes to you. If you actually have proof of bullying she will be gone asap. If not, you can always threaten your workplace with a lawsuit. I set up an HR Tipline at my company because of things like that.

Seems harsh but you love your job and she's making it hell, she's gotta go.

Edit: also it's a known fact that married women do nothing but clean and eat rice krispies all day

Yeaaaaah... we don't have a HR department. And everything that she does is verbal. Oh, and hey, she does it in front of my manager, like right now for instance. My manager does nothing.

[Laney]

Yeaaaaah... we don't have a HR department. And everything that she does is verbal. Oh, and hey, she does it in front of my manager, like right now for instance. My manager does nothing.

O.O You don't have a single HR person? Have you had a person to person meeting with your manager's manager? (Is that the highest person in the company?)

[Unda]

Is it just her that's making you hate your job? You say you've talked to your managers - have you told them straight out, in unambiguous language, that this crazy bitch is creating a hostile work environment and if they don't get her off your case you're going to leave? Have you told *her* straight up to get off your case?

If you've escalated it as far as you can, and your managers aren't willing to manage, then yeah, your health and sanity may warrant leaving. Just be really clear-eyed about it and realize that you may be out of work for a very long time. Jobs are hard enough to get when you already have one, let alone when you have gaps in your resume to explain.

I haven't told my manager straight up that she is causing me to look for work, perhaps I should.

As for the lady in question she's super aggressive and manipulative, and she's like 60, I know that if I really outright call her out on it she'll fake tears and make everyone think that I'm bullying her and not the other way around. I already tell her to stop things often but whenever I do it just escalates.

[Unda]

O.O You don't have a single HR person? Have you had a person to person meeting with your manager's manager? (Is that the highest person in the company?)

Not a one. We only have 20 people or so in our company, yay charity sector. I've had face to face meetings with my manager and email correspondance with her manager.

[Eurydice]

I haven't told my manager straight up that she is causing me to look for work, perhaps I should.

As for the lady in question she's super aggressive and manipulative, and she's like 60, I know that if I really outright call her out on it she'll fake tears and make everyone think that I'm bullying her and not the other way around. I already tell her to stop things often but whenever I do it just escalates.

If she's as nasty as you say, I guarantee you other people have noticed. You can't hide that shit in a company of twenty people. It sounds to me like she's so toxic that even the higher-ups don't want to get near her. Make no mistake, if you call her out she will play victim, but I seriously doubt anyone will buy it.

[Unda]

If she's as nasty as you say, I guarantee you other people have noticed. You can't hide that shit in a company of twenty people. It sounds to me like she's so toxic that even the higher-ups don't want to get near her. Make no mistake, if you call her out she will play victim, but I seriously doubt anyone will buy it.

When I've mentioned it to my manager before I've just got "oh that's just her way" and "she feels threatened by you because you're younger/smarter".

[Eurydice]

When I've mentioned it to my manager before I've just got "oh that's just her way" and "she feels threatened by you because you're younger/smarter".

So, basically, what I said.

I'm not saying you have to lay the smackdown on her, or even that you should. That's your call. But it might help to realize that you're attributing an awful lot of power to a pathetic, insecure, nasty old woman who when all's said is five years from retirement and still works in a cubicle. It might or might not help to realize that, unfortunately, her type's not rare. You can leave this job, and maybe should if it's making you this miserable, but odds are she'll just respawn on the next level.

[Unda]

So, basically, what I said.

I'm not saying you have to lay the smackdown on her, or even that you should. That's your call. But it might help to realize that you're attributing an awful lot of power to a pathetic, insecure, nasty old woman who when all's said is five years from retirement and still works in a cubicle. It might or might not help to realize that, unfortunately, her type's not rare. You can leave this job, and maybe should if it's making you this miserable, but odds are she'll just respawn on the next level.

So what do I do then? I just feel so hopeless. And I know that you're right in that this lady is not unique, but what do I do then? If changing will likely just result in the same problem what's the best thing to do?

[Eurydice]

I can't tell you what's best to do. I hate to see you give up a job you pursued so hard because of one nasty old lady. On the other hand, (a) misery at your job can really poison your health and mental state, and ( the next instance of Nasty Old Lady you meet may be someone you don't have to work with as closely.

Here's my advice, for what it's worth: talk to your husband, develop an exit plan, and move on it. That alone will make you feel less powerless and make her seem less overwhelming. Find volunteer opportunities in your field if you can't get paid work.

Then go to your boss and say something to the effect of "Look, you have one more chance to step up to the plate with this. If you refuse to, consider this my two weeks' notice." It may be that that will light a fire under her. If it doesn't, well, that's a message you should hear too, because you deserve a job where you're valued.

[coonskee]

There are toxic people everywhere.

If you feel like you really can't deal with her, then yes, leave. But I think you should sit down and have an honest conversation with yourself about whether you've done everythig you can - not just in terms of actions, but in terms of mental state.

These situations suck, and I've been in one (crazy-as-shit sorority sister ruined my life and almost made me drop out of undergrad. Good times.). The thing is... I'm damn glad I didn't, for obvious reasons. "This too shall pass." "If you're going through hell, keep going." Stick motivational quotations everywhere if you have to, but keep in mind that she is not worth going broke for, and she is not worth NOT pursuing your dreams for! Can you try to change your outlook and consider this a way to make yourself stronger and more resilient towards whatever the world throws at you?

If you look inside and see that you really are at the end of what you can take (and it sounds like it from your post, but only you can know for sure)... then Eurydice has some good advice.

Just remember, it's your life - don't let it be ruled by other people!

[Unda]

There are toxic people everywhere.

If you feel like you really can't deal with her, then yes, leave. But I think you should sit down and have an honest conversation with yourself about whether you've done everythig you can - not just in terms of actions, but in terms of mental state.

These situations suck, and I've been in one (crazy-as-shit sorority sister ruined my life and almost made me drop out of undergrad. Good times.). The thing is... I'm damn glad I didn't, for obvious reasons. "This too shall pass." "If you're going through hell, keep going." Stick motivational quotations everywhere if you have to, but keep in mind that she is not worth going broke for, and she is not worth NOT pursuing your dreams for! Can you try to change your outlook and consider this a way to make yourself stronger and more resilient towards whatever the world throws at you?

If you look inside and see that you really are at the end of what you can take (and it sounds like it from your post, but only you can know for sure)... then Eurydice has some good advice.

Just remember, it's your life - don't let it be ruled by other people!

I think that you and Eurydice are right to an extent, the one last thing that I can really do is to straight up say to my manager "look, this is the way things are, I've spoken to you before about it, nothing's changed, so either we try to do something or I start looking for a new job and you lose me."

The thing is though, that although I love my company I really am not doing what I want to be doing, which doesn't help. What helps even less is that I don't know WHAT I want to be doing, just that it isn't this. I have a masters degree and I'm doing mind numbing admin work and picking up the slack of another manager who doesn't want to work. It's pretty complicated in that it requires juggling about eight different things all the time and essentially project managing with none of the credit. What I do is important and changes lives, which was why I got into charity in the first place but... it doesn't make me happy. And I've no idea what will.

I'm looking for jobs now and I'm having the same problem, I don't know what I want to do and apparently having a humanities masters gets you diddly. I have loads of talents and loads of potential but anything that sounds interesting is either asking for experience that I don't have (that nowhere will give me), pay nothing, or is hundreds of freaking miles away. I realise that everyone has this sucky work problem thanks to the economy but this is the thing I hate about job searching is that I don't know what I'm doing with my life or what I want to do and so I'm just wasting it doing whatever comes along that's even vaguely ok. Add a terrible bitch of a co worker to the mix and I'm so miserable that it's a struggle to get through the day without sobbing.

[coonskee]

Fact: if they ask for experience, apply anyway.

I got an I-Banking internship for a semester in college, as a Bio/English Lit double major with no previous experience. I didn't know *anything*. Why did I get it? Because I looked them straight in the eyes and I said, "I want to try this. I will learn. I will work my butt off. Give me a chance."

It won't work every time, but if you can't find any doors or windows, make one if you have to. With a bulldozer. Shouting "I AM FUCKING AWESOME!" from the megaphone.

The only thing you can do now is persevere.

[Gary Conway]

.

[Jcannon98188]

I had someone like that in my company. So I put in my two (actually 3) week notice today. Do I have another job setup? Nope. Do I care? Nope. Am I moving back in with my parents? You bet your sweet butt I am If you are in an environment that you hate, I say leave. Life is too short to hate your job, and eventually you will start to hate your life. Take a few days to yourself, then hit the job field with everything you got till you get a better job. IMO.

[Jcannon98188]

It won't work every time, but if you can't find any doors or windows, make one if you have to. With a bulldozer. Shouting "I AM FUCKING AWESOME!" from the megaphone.

The only thing you can do now is persevere.

Do this. Literally. I wanna see what will happen

[Eurydice]

The thing is though, that although I love my company I really am not doing what I want to be doing, which doesn't help. What helps even less is that I don't know WHAT I want to be doing, just that it isn't this.

You probably just described the daily work life of 75% of the human race. Like, I actually have a book entitled I Don't Know What I Want to Do, But I Know It's Not This. I haven't read it, so I can't speak to its quality, but I'll get around to it.

Coonskee's right, there are toxic people everywhere and at some point you're going to have to deal with them. You can figure out what you want to do with your life while you're employed as easily as you can while you're unemployed. If you do leave, though, here's one more tip: find a way to explain it to prospective employers that cannot even be loosely interpreted as "I don't know what I want to do, I felt way overqualified, and I had a personality conflict with a co-worker that I couldn't resolve."

Here's something my dad (who has a great job that he loves) told me: sometimes you have to just pack your lunch and go to work. The fact that he's right doesn't mean it's easy.

[ICB]

From what you're describing, it sounds like you're pretty vital to that company. Talk things over with your husband and ready your resumes, then play the nuclear card and threaten to leave. If nothing happens, as Eurydice said, then that makes your decision all the easier because they don't care about keeping you. If they are forced to choose between old hag who is near retirement and talented young go-getter, then they might push her off a few years early.

The one thing you shouldn't do is swallow your anger and be back here on Nerd Fitness complaining again in a few weeks. (Not that we don't love talking to you! ) Make this a turning point. Quit or make your play. But don't just....stay.

[Unda]

So, today I wrote that email to my boss saying that something had to change or else I would start looking for a new job.

The response I got back was pretty "it's just the way she is, you'll be fine, it's just a personality thing" but she did say that she'd speak to her.

Anyway, I applied for a new job yesterday anyway for something more interesting looking, better paid and closer to home. So.. that's good.

[Eurydice]

Good for you! That's a start, anyway. Good luck with the one you applied for.

I don't get this whole "That's just the way she is" argument. Personally, I curse like a sailor. I probably didn't need to paint my walls blue, I could have just stood in front of them and ranted about skill nerfing in Diablo 3 for fifteen minutes. But I don't take that part of The Way I Am into the workplace because, you know, it's inappropriate. Plus I am often able to control my impulses! Your boss may not know that people like that exist.

[katpower]

"That's the way she is" is such a copout. The "way I am" is someone who stays up till 2am, and gets up 12 midday, but I have to change that to get a job! I am a total slob who would work in my trackies all day, but I brush my hair and dress neatly for work. I think your manager is just avoiding a tricky topic, hoping you'll back down

I hope you get the better job you applied for. But if not, make sure your manager knows you're SERIOUS about your ultimatum, not just having a whinge. Recruiting for a new Wonderwoman might be considerably more effort for her than actually stepping up to the plate with the bitch.

I've worked with a megabitch before, the sort that gets a kick out of making coworkers AND visitors (to a museum) cry. No amount of complaints and grievance reports would convince HR to do something about her - and she was only one part of a toxic work team. I skedaddled!

[Unda]

New development. This week so far the woman has been almost pleasant to me, I've discovered that her son's court case that he had for running a guy over has just recently passed. My boss called me this morning and said that things seemed much better yesterday than they had last week, I agreed and my boss proposed that it was because of this court case. She seemed pleased that she hadn't had to speak to her and that things "are now all okay".

I pointed out that this was hardly the case and I shouldn't be the one that she comes to emotionally kick when things are going badly in her life. My boss sighed as if I was being difficult and said "well, we all have to make allowances in the workplace don't we?"

¬_¬

yeah, so. Still gonna look for that new job. I don't need to be someone's emotional punching bag when their life sucks and I don't need a boss that doesn't care about that. On the plus side now that her hideousness has dialed back a little I can look for work whilst in work instead of being forced to quit and look for work.