it's dangerous to go alone

[celerity]

...or at least, it hasn't worked for me so far.

sorry, that was cheesy. ^^

i'm a more-or-less druid: gymnastics early, dance long, yoga and related things recently. i also believe in things like perfection and the unity of infinity and nothingness that would make most people expect me to hit them with a stick and start yelling about enlightenment. well, i'm still figuring it out. but at least my class is set. balance, lots of core strength (at least relatively), naturally flexible. terrified of group sports, zero upper body strength, pathetic stamina levels. we're talking 90-second plank but zero real pushups.

i discovered NF back in the spring and it was a small enlightenment even then, dropped about five pounds just by tracking what i ate and incorporating some body weight circuits. accountability is a huge thing for me.

five pounds doesn't seem like a lot. my weight has only ever fluctuated within about a 20-pound range. but the utter lack of discipline this has let me get away with is a chronic problem, and i don't feel comfortable in my own skin like i used to. it's a theme in my life: i had an easy childhood and adolescence re: school, friends, diet. i never had to work hard for anything. and so i never learned to work hard. so when i went through some moderately challenging years--intellectual stimulation, difficult relationships, time management--i hit a wall and spiraled straight down to depression, avoidance, procrastination, paralyzing fear of failure. and the knowledge of how easy it should have been to claw myself out of it--just suck it up, get some discipline, do your work--only made it worse.

it's not apparent, because i'm what i call high-functioning. this is a bad thing. it means i'll do just enough work to not be singled out as failing, drink just to below the level of being called an alcoholic and stop there, indulge in emotional eating as long as it doesn't quite show through my clothes. in other words, i'm great at scraping by.

but it's a miserable mode of existence. it feels toxic. it used to be a given that i'd achieve--now, it's exhausting even to meet baseline. i used to live, not just survive. and i want that back.

so, NF, and accountability. you'll notice my saddening sta:wis ratio, and perhaps that's confusing to see in someone who seems to need a lot of life goal-setting. but i have plenty of wisdom about my own situation. what the spiraling did do for me, the giving up: it humbled me, it crushed my ego and then made me walk back and forth over it and realize that i could. that the world still went on. i'm a very self-aware person.

...but even though i have this knowledge, and i understand exactly how i'm going wrong, somehow i can never act on it. i lack the energy, the courage, the faith. i lack the stamina.

i also ramble. sorry about that. but onto the fun stuff, no? i joined up to start my first six-week challenge--which i'll do tomorrow, when i'm not whittling away my remaining hours of sleep. mainly i'm excited to set a yoga 3x/wk goal. can't say enough great things about yoga. and i've done pathetically little of it.

number one fact about me, i love zelda. this can never be overstated. i am constantly comparing real-life men to link somewhere deep in my heart. which is damning for them, of course.

i'm also increasingly obsessed with g-dragon. his collab with TOP has produced some of my

kpop objects of all time (

, of course). anyone? ^.^

that said, kpop is atypical. this is more my usual musical taste. if anyone else is going to this fest i will be tickled pink, i'm going all alone and my mother is just terrified xD

last cultural artifact plug: FLCL. cowboy bebop. just kidding not last. COMMUNITY (bring back dan harmon!!1!)

i just recently graduated from college with a BA in english and am currently working in assessment development. but i'm a huge nerd, constantly regret not majoring in CS after early positive experiences, and (not-so-)secretly long to run away to U Washington, get a degree in UX, and work for nintendo in my dream city of seattle ;_;

you would never guess from this essay i've spewed, but i love listening to people. if anyone's made it to the end you are incredible, and i hope to do the same for many of you during my stay here ^^ that is, once i've gotten some sleep~