Battling with depression

[gnollcharisma]

I know that part of getting fit is battling certain problems, trying to avoid that second helping, saying no to soda, or keeping to a work out routine. However, over the last few months, I've been struggling with a fight I just don't feel I can win really. I already live in a hostile environment, and lack the funds necessary to get my own place. Along with that, due to complications with my previous education, I'm still trying to finish high school, and due to my age I'm receiving some rather severe pressure to maintain upstanding grades, or face possible expulsion. All of this keeps me pretty down, and pretty busy to boot, which means I normally don't have time for my daily walks/almost-jogs any more, which in the end leaves me deprived of endorphin's.

So, to cut to the quick, I'm feeling depressed. There is too much going on at once, and I don't feel like I can handle it, and with that helpless feeling, I lose my sense of agency, feeling like I literally can't -do- anything at all. In just the last two weeks, I've given in, and just let the world sort of crash around me, I barely have the energy to get out of bed each morning, and my thoughts are only getting more and more hopeless. Just writing this has taken what feels like an enormous amount of energy from me, but I need to face up to the facts and say this.

I need help.

[Thilde]

I admire your courage to come out and say something that is so hard and takes so much effort. Are you able to access someone professional to talk to about this, i.e. school social worker, outpatient therapist, church staff if you are religious? Or, does your state/community have a telephone hotline you could call to get some mental health support? Just Googled this, there's a provider search by county and a 1-800 number to call for referral help at this link.

The important hurdles are already overcome: acknowledging you need help, and starting to define the factors involved. It sounds like you have some pretty major environmental stressors and not enough personal/emotional resources to cope under the pressures. While you seek professional help, do you have any informal supports (friends, family, etc.) you could talk to about this, and bring them in as allies in your journey back to health? I know you said you live in a hostile environment, which makes me think that the people you spend the most time with are unsupportive; is there anybody at all in your life (work, school, neighbors) you can share this with?

Sending you thoughts of support and healing. You are to be commended for taking steps toward bettering your fitness and your life in the face of what you're dealing with. Feel free to PM me if you need to talk about this some more, or if you would like some help finding resources local to your area.

[LRB]

When everything feels hopeless, call for reinforcements. See your doctor, talk to the school counselor, call a hotline. But do something -- you don't have to feel this way. Yes, you have a lot on your plate, but it doesn't have to be debilitating.

Hang in there, and ask for help -- it's out there for you.

I'll be thinking of you.

[nightlight]

I know how you feel -- I suffer from depression also. Just realize that there are people out there to help you, if you need it.

Do you have someone in your life you can talk to about this?

[SusieBlu]

talking with someone is the first step. They can help you bring things back into focus and help you make a plan. I battled depression, its in my family, that was made worst by my environment. Remember that the world is always changing and you can effect that change. Nothing is hopeless. When you feel like letting the world crash around you don't give in. Whatever is causing you to feel down is temporary. Whatever brought you to this point is in the pass. You can control how you react to a situation. Yes, depression make it much harder to react positively but the reaction itself it is step forward because you are making a choice to not to let the world crash you. Keep going, find someone to talk to and know we will be thinking of you and will give you any support we can.

[Fiachan]

Just to second what has already been said. Talk to some one. Seriously. Realizing that you need help is the first important hurdle. Done. Talking to some one helps move you to where you want to be. And realizing that depression is a liar.

[BeigeTurtle]

This is when social support of some kind is so important - whether it's a friend nearby, someone you can call on the phone, heck, even here. I deal with depression sometimes, and I find that I generally feel much more able to grapple with it when I try to reach out to people I care about and who care about me. Sometimes that meant trying to meet someone in person, sometimes that meant just emails or Facebook messages. And yes, that includes posting on NF! We're a community, and we look out for each other. Please know that you have a lot of people thinking of you and pulling for you. If you want, PM me, too, and we can talk more.

Take care of yourself!

[gnollcharisma]

Thank you everyone for your support.

To respond to a few suggestions concerning seeking professional help, I am already seeing an in home therapist for personal and family counselling, however I honestly don't feel this benefits me in any way. The rules she has enforced as a positive measure have been manipulated in the household, as to limit only to myself, and inhibit my own abilities to respond to my environment, or even to have access to helpful resources.

As far as my environment is concerned, I live with my mother, grandparents, and uncle. My mother is an epileptic, as such I have to care for her often, however she is extremely aggressive with everyone, and can be provoked by the drop of a metaphorical hat. My grandparents are in a mutually exclusive abusive relationship, my grandfather abuses, my grandmother tries to brush everything off and pretend nothings wrong. As for my uncle, he is a binge drinker, a racist, a homophobe, and just about every other title you could lay on someone absolutely close minded and hateful. So in short, its very very bad.

These two issues make a somewhat bigger problem when combined, as the rules my therapist tried to put in place have instead been used as a weapon by the more aggressive members of my family, used to bully and threaten. In fact, my mother called my therapist and falsely claimed I had threatened suicide, which has led to me being put on a watch list, and my 'freedom' per say being further restricted inside and outside the home.

As for the subject of friends and neighbors, I live in a rather upscale suberb, the kind of place for the two car, white picket fence type of people, nothing against them, but these people would never talk to their own families about a minor problem, let alone anyone else about a major one. And for friends, I have very few people I can call close friends, and those few I do I've already discussed this with, and there is little they can do to help or change it. My other friends(including locally) I like, but would rather not bother with this sort of information. Depression is a serious issue, that weighs down on a lot of people, I don't want anyone looking down on me, nor do I want to be a burden on people's minds if I don't have to be.

I'm trying to work on changing things, but I already let myself stay still while the world fell apart around me, and now that all of this is going on, and I'm failing two of my classes, it'll take a lot of momentum for me to get things right again. I feel that a part of that change is to be forthcoming about it, and try to confront the issue honestly.. I appreciate all of your help, and your input, I can't say that enough. Thank you.

[magi192]

Hey gnollcharisma,

First of all, I second the advice everyone else has already given: go seek support from a hotline and someone YOU feel comfortable speaking to NOW. Second, if living at home is detrimental to you, maybe staying with another family member you feel more comfortable with (and lives in a less hostile environment) is an option? (If you do decide to leave though, make sure you inform said individual you will be staying with and honestly explain your feelings to your immediate family before doing so.)

This post really stood out to me because, while I've struggled with depression all my life (it runs in the family), these past months I just passed through a crisis again that was the fruit of me going through the very situation you describe. My home was like a prison where I was slowly rotting in and I am/was also struggling with school/work/social life/etc.

First, don't feel down about not exercising. You have school and a difficult household that are acting as stressors that are always preoccupying your mind. Add to that the debilitating effects of depression and you're just going to feel even more miserable if you're not reaching your fitness goals. Honestly, right now, you should be concentrating on one goal right now and that's dealing with your depression. If you're dissatisfied with your therapist and dislike her methods, then tell her so. If she doesn't listen to you, dismisses you, or doesn't even try to comprehend your point of view, she has failed in her duty, so start looking for other therapists near your area. I'm guessing the decision isn't solely up to you (financially), so after you speak with your therapist first and it doesn't look like she's understanding, look for what your school can offer and then finally speak with your family about your decision. Be firm about it. You're the one going through treatment.

Through much of my years in therapy, most of my therapists were all chosen by my parents and I was comfortable with a total number of zero of them. None of them made me comfortable enough to come out until I went out and searched for my own therapist. Even then, sometimes it's still not enough. If therapy isn't working, or you think there might be a biological reason for your depression, see a psychiatrist. Honestly, even if you do not think you need one, see a psychiatrist first anyway, get an evaluation and then go for therapy (try to get a reference). I struggled a lot with the fact that I need to see a psychiatrist, but sometimes the problem really does stem from a physical hindrance.

No matter what course you take, remember that you are doing this to get better. Right now you should be your own priority. Speak to your school counselor about your situation. Talk to the teachers of the two classes you are failing in. Regarding the bit about not wanting to reach out because you don't want to bring people down, I agree with you. That sentiment often doesn't let me talk to those closest to me, but you do have to have an outlet for when things get too stressing. Something I do is walk to some of the city parks, buy a hobo a pizza at a restaurant and then just talk about my life. It's weird, they're weirded out, the people around are weirded out, but often it just helps to have a stranger to talk to. They just listen and let it go. I'm not saying you should go out and talk to strangers, but....no yea, call a hotline and do just that. Actually, pm me and I'll send you my skype and we can chat.

You're not alone in your struggle even though it may seem that way. Dealing with depression is a life-long uphill battle, but you gotta fight it. Make yourself a priority and do establish fitness goals, but make them reeeeaaaallllyyy small (e.g. "I will take stairs instead of elevators all day."). Don't beat yourself up over them if you don't complete them. When you do accomplish them though, make sure you show off your goofiest of grins (even if you don't feel like it) and then go on to set the next goal up.

Listen, if you need someone to talk to, pm me and I'll give you my Skype or e-mail (whichever's best).

Best,

Mag

[SusieBlu]

I can also understnad the idea of not wanting to burden people. I do it even now after knowing I shouldn't. I didn't tell those closest to me (family, friends, co-workers) until I had to make some big life changing decisions that directly effected them.

If you don't feel like you can talk to therapist in front of your family ask to speak to you alone. If that would cause you undue stress write a letter. Gather examples of how the rules are being manipulated, be specific. Not only will this help you take the emotion out of it, it is also action that you are effecting yourself.

I also encourage you go to your friends tell them that you are struggling with things and would like their help. Be honest, tell them that if they don't feel that they aren't comfortable with the situation you understand and drop it. But they are your friends, they will want to help you. They won't look down upon you. Depression isn't something to be ashamed of. As my doctor told me depression is like the common cold of mental health. For some of us the cold kicks us on our butts and we can't seem to get over easily.

[CeeCee]

I'm with you in this fight. Different circumstances - same green monster.

After 8 months of practical paralysis I found a couple of things that are slowly moving the rock: supplement therapy to bolster the building blocks for neurotransmitters and making a concerted effort to get into the sun on a daily basis. These are tiny things. But they broke the vacuum seal of not feeling anything and inertia enough to take some bigger steps. Other folks covered the big steps. Good luck!

[magi192]

^Sunshine definitely helps brighten a bad gray day everyday.

[Rohan]

You did a good job by sharing your problem with us. It reduces the burden of the mind. Remember that night is the darkest before dawn (thanks The Dark Knight), so don't lose hope and try some meditation, it helps in relaxing your body and mind. #dontgiveup

[Hraz]

Hello gnollcharisma love ur name btw. I also am around ppl who are very aggressive and abusive towards me every day for my job and there are some things they taught us in training that I thought were real dumb at the time but now they are life savers. The first thing was stay calm and speak in a measured calm voice. I figured this would work 0% of the time but it works about 95% of the time it's hard for someone to rage with the other person staying relaxed an calm. The second thing was don't hold it against them staying angry helps absolutely nothing and always remeber that it takes true strength to forgive and the stony are never helpless.

I would deffently look into some form of meditation. With your time restraints I suggest some form of movment based meditation such a yoga or tai chi with just 20 to 30 minutes a day u could unwind and get in a workout. Hope this helps some