Any tips on discouraging unwanted advice?

[Raincloak]

I'm sure you all know this one. You all have that coworker, friend, or relative that just cannot resist telling you what to do, and because of the nature of your relationship, simply cutting them out of your life is not an option.

Almost my entire family gives me frequent unwanted advice. (Either my life is an evident train wreck, or else the behavior is genetic. And my life is not a train wreck, plus I've been guilty of the same behavior myself ... so I'm betting it's genetic.) They've been doing this all my life, though it only started to bug me when I was in high school. I am now 27 years old.

I've tried talking to them about it, but their response is always: 1) denial of what they're doing, 2) dismissing my complaints as "childish," or 3) telling me they'll stop giving advice when I start doing what they want. (Yeah, right...)

At no point have they admitted or realized how crazy this makes me. Since they do not admit the problem, I believe they're unlikely to change their behavior.

It's gotten so bad I have taken to shunning the worst offenders, minimizing visits and calls. But I can't avoid my whole family for the rest of my days. I mean, I could, but it would make everyone unhappy, including me. Unfortunately the parents live close by, and they're a bit emotionally dependent. Once my phone broke, so I told them I might not be taking calls for a few days. The next thing I knew, my brother was knocking on my door. Inside a secured building. To which he had neither a key nor an invitation.

So ... help?

[dajve]

If it's something related to my lifestyle, which I know they're wrong about, I find that the direct approach of contradicting them and backing up my statement with facts I've researched and anecdotes about how my training / diet etc is working for me is effective; it doesn't change their opinion (in most cases), but it usually makes them shut up and go away! If it's something I'm not as confident about (but sounds dubious), I tend to nod and say "I'll have a look into that", or something along those lines. I guess I'm in a decent position to do that now, as the results of the last 9 months work back up my methods in most cases.

I also try to listen to everything they say, even if I know they have a history of spurious advice, because every so often I'll investigate what they said and find they were right (or partly right). Added bonus - if they're wrong, then the next time they come out with that particular nugget of wisdom, at least I'll have evidence to contradict them!

That said, this method isn't necessarily the most diplomatic way of approaching it, but that's one of the reasons I only have a CHA rating of 1, I guess!

[flourless]

People who insist on offering unwanted advice get a polite "I'll take that under advisement" or "I'll look into that", depending on how stupid I think their advice is.

People who don't recognize that as the cue to shut up and move along don't get to hear as many details about my life.

My MIL is notorious for that. She'll see me on skype and want to talk about how great I look, and how I got there, then shower me with advice not to overdo, and to take it easy, and to not cut out major food groups, and how my diet is wrong, and I'm exercising too much, or going to burn out, or whatever. So I just shrug and say "Lots of hard work" when she asks how I lost weight, and change the subject.

I just talk about things that I can handle getting advice on. Or where we're fairly similar in perspective. It seems to (sort of) work.

[flourless]

Bah. Double-post.

[Unda]

it depends really what the advice is about, I find this easier with family and friends than I do co workers (after all unsolicited advice and comments as well as all around bullying is the reason I'm leaving my job now)

If the whole, I'll think about it stuff doesn't work as an excuse try just turning around to them and being like "why do you keep bringing this up? I'm happy but the way you're picking at me is making me unhappy. I thought that since you loved me you wanted me to be happy? Or is me doing what you want more important than how I feel?" It's blunt, it's rude but damn if it isn't true. Sometimes you've just got to throw it out there rather than pulling the punches.

[Avistew]

Oh God, they sound like my family. Unwanted advice disguised as concerned, up to the showing up uninvited to knock at my door. Sadly I don't have an answer as I solved the problem by cutting ties with them. I even moved continents. In my specific case, I've never been happier, but since that would make you miserable, I don't know...

If you can get a bit more distant, without cutting all ties, maybe it will help. You could tell them you feel like they're smothering you... although I'm not sure how they would take it. Bottom line is, people who act that way are a huge stress, and as soon as you get other sources of stress in your life you're prone to getting a breakdown. Even worse, they think they're helping!

Maybe you can see a therapist, they can have good advice about relationships. Or recommend they see one, I think they need it

[SusieBlu]

Reverse the tables on them, start telling why certain foods will kill them if they don't cut them from their diet than constantly keep bring it up.

Not really, don't do that because if they can't see how bad their behavior is when you straight up tell them I doubt this would clue them in. Honestly, be blunt about it. Feelings will be hurt. Tell them their behavior is stressing you out and is causing you to want to avoid the possibility of a conversation by staying away from people.

I also think the nod and saying I will look into that method would work. They will think you are taking their advice when you are really ignoring them.

[Raincloak]

I have tried the "I'll think about it" tactic. Unfortunately, noncommittal responses don't seem to discourage them. Either they have learned by now that when I say "I'll think about it" that really means "I'm ignoring you," or they believe I really am thinking about it, which means they should continue nagging. I just can't win.

I have tried a couple variants on the "You're making me unhappy" line. It doesn't work. They are firmly convinced that 1) I am not happy, and 2) I will not be happy until I start following their advice. (And also 3) that I owe them, or possibly the rest of the world, some sort of moral duty.) According to this evening's discussion, my father is further convinced that if the family nags me enough, I might just change my ways. (Because, what? That's worked so well in the past 10 years?)

the more I think about it, the more I begin to suspect this highly critical pattern, which I thought for many years was completely normal, is not normal at all. (common maybe, but not normal.) And it's rubbed off on me. Maybe I'm overmagnifying matters, but maybe I just need to block the family out for a while. I've been listening to their comments for so long, I hardly even know what I want for myself any more. All I know is what other people want -- or mostly, what they don't want.

I suppose I can give the "not discussing personal life" thing another try. I'm quite sure that the first responses will include 1) hurt feelings, 2) "Aha, you're screwing up your life aren't you?" and 3) persistent invasion of my privacy. But it's worth a shot.

[flourless]

Yes, they will get their feelings hurt. But right now, you're getting your feelings hurt. A lot. And that's not fair, and it's not something that you need to accept.

[illuminatus]

This sounds very much like my former in-laws. Honestly Raincloak, from what you wrote, I get the impression that they don't care what your opinion on the matter is. They feel they have this moral obligation to correct some wrongly perceived issue that is solely based on their opinion/perspective. If you've asked them nicely and they flat out tell you they are going to hound you until you change, you may not have any other choice but to get downright straight with them. Hurt feelings are unavoidable in this situation.

And I hate to say that because I'm a firm believer that family should work together to resolve issue like this, but it's obvious that your family doesn't have any respect for your personal choices. And what's more important is that this is causing you stress and emotional issues that, if not addressed, will boil over to the point things might be said that can forever sully your relationship with your family. We can only take so much before we reach a breaking point and when we reach those points, anger and emotion and damage can destroy relationships

[wildross]

Ultimately, distance is all that I've found to work. As in mileage. About 1000 or so seems about right for my family.

Yes, they don't like it. When I call, I get a lot of "We'd love to see you", etc, etc.. Planes fly both ways, last I checked, and my phone rings as well as theirs.

[maggerson]

Almost my entire family gives me frequent unwanted advice. (Either my life is an evident train wreck, or else the behavior is genetic. And my life is not a train wreck, plus I've been guilty of the same behavior myself ... so I'm betting it's genetic.) They've been doing this all my life, though it only started to bug me when I was in high school. I am now 27 years old.

I've tried talking to them about it, but their response is always: 1) denial of what they're doing, 2) dismissing my complaints as "childish," or 3) telling me they'll stop giving advice when I start doing what they want. (Yeah, right...)

...Are we related to the same people?

I moved away for college, and then got a living space of my own in my hometown. The distance really does help, but so does plain old "Yes, dears" or "Sure, moms".

My mom's advice has always been questionable at best. She enjoys giving unsolicited tips to everyone, but this got really bad after I found out I was type 1 diabetic. The holistic BS just keeps coming, and I'm still not really sure that she believes I have diabetes (she didn't believe this for the longest time, and that it was because I have a messed up thyroid gland, etc. etc.)

I just try to keep my head down and remind myself that she's wrong, she doesn't care she's wrong, and unfortunately that is just how it has to be. I really try to avoid direct confrontation because that gets ugly and it never ends well for anyone, so just sort of the "smile and nod" approach has worked pretty well thus far. (HEALTHY FAMILY LIFE OVER HERE)

[ScurvySpider]

Your family sounds immune to feeling insulted by repetition -- you can work with that.

2 things that have helped me are #1) to repeatedly define who's responsible for my life decisions in general: define it verbally, out loud, directly, with the well-meaning family member who wants me to do X their way and #2) to refuse to let them suck me back down into the quicksand of arguing over specifics.

-- I want to stress that I keep my face & voice loving or at least neutral when I commit this act of counter-badgering --

Me: Auntie, I'm an adult, and I can order for myself in a restaurant. Right?

Auntie (sweetly): But if you got the platter, you could take some home.

Me: But it's OK if I order what I want, instead of what you want me to get -- right?

Auntie (in sing-song): The platter is more econommmmical.

Me: I don't want the platter. It's OK for me to order what I want, right?

Auntie (snappy): I'm just trying to help you save money.

Me: Thank you, Auntie. But it's OK for me to order my meal for myself -- right?

(She never admits "right" -- just frowns deeply - and shuts up about it, which is the goal

p.s. I lifted Points 1 and 2 above, straight out of a book "The Dance of Anger" which my sister loaned me (unasked for but appreciated ;-) to help in dealing with what sounds like a not-uncommon family dynamic. But the conversation came straight out of my real life.

good luck!

[Katie.Marie]

Depending on the details of your problem, this might help.

I had a issue with my mom at one point, where every time I talked to her she was giving me advise. It got to the point I found myself avoiding her which was a shame because I am really close to everyone in my family, and love my mom a ton. How I finally ended up handling it was once when she called me to ask me if I was coming over, I stated "That depends. Are you going to ask me about <topic she constantly was giving advice on>?" When she paused, realizing for the first time what a rift she was creating between us, I made a point of telling her how much I love her, how I knew she was only trying to help, but that I knew the problem was there, I was handling it in my own way, and when I was ready for some advise, I would come to her.

While I think she was hurt initially, I think long term it has helped our relationship a lot. I seek advise from my mom often on lots of different topics, and since now I am seeking it, she feels like her input is really valued regardless if I actually use it, rather than it just being dismissed.

[katpower]

I love my mum, but gods help me, she drives me insane sometimes! Always, always with the advice. It's not necessarily bad advice, I just don't want/need it. This year I was unemployed for months, and she kept trying to "help" - I ended up telling her (honestly) that she was really stressing me out, and I felt that my mental health was being threatened - and she backed off. Still the occasional slip, but she was really trying

[azsf]

fight fire with fire maybe? get your judgemental hat on and let them know everything they should be doing to fix shit in their lives. at best they'll realise the pattern of behaviour and start to change. at worst they'll just start leaving you alone

[Kyla]

I totally feel you. My mum means well, but she just....well, she has a way of saying exactly what I don't need to hear. It gets to the point where I spend more time worrying about what I look like when I'm going to see her than when I'm seeing my boyfriend.

If I'm wearing jeans and a t-shirt, then I don't care about my appearance. If I'm dressed nicer, then I didn't do anything to my hair or put on makeup and I look sloppy. If I do all that, then it'll be a "you'd look so nice if your clothes fit better."

*sigh*

In the last few months, I've just plain let her see how much it hurts me. The first time was when I was at my parents' house and she made a comment about maybe I'd get a promotion at work if I dressed better, I just burst into tears and walked into the other room.

That worked for a couple months, and so now I've just kind of stopped hiding hurt feelings. If she says something "mean," I just turn around, let her see the shock on my face, and ask if maybe she couldn't manage to go ten minutes before she criticizes me.

[smazzon1]

[azsf]

haha that chick sounds like a female plinkett from red letter media

[Pup]

Ah, Jenna Marbles. Don't let the blond hair and the bubbly presentation fool you, she gots them smarts.

As for the topic. My mom had those tendencies just around when I were applying for uni-studies (I think she always wanted me to get into teaching in some capacity) and I pretty much had to straight up give her the "my life, my choices, and nagging about it makes me want to do it less"-talk. It worked pretty well given that she knows very well that the last part is very true about me. She's still holding on to the hope that my English litt. studies will get me back on track but she isn't that vocal about it anymore, and that works for me.

Stick to your guns, enforce your boundaries, but stay civil at all times. There might be some hurt feelings in the beginning but in the end they will hopefully understand (liking it on the other hand is a whole different thing). I hope things will ease up for you!

[Tanktimus the Encourager]

Read the book Boundaries by Clint Townsend. It sounds like you need it, for more than just the advice stuff.