Self Esteem Impaired

[deathstalker]

I had this too, this thing where I did not like made-up girls. But then I realized everyone gets screwed over in how society thinks they should present themselves. And considering that one does not need to be either classically pretty or fashionable in order to be a mean and awful person, in the end it does not really matter. As to the grooming - it takes a lot of time and a lot of effort. I don't personally do it all that much, but my mother does, so I've seen how awful it can be.

And yes, I got bullied by pretty girls too. Not at school, but there was a rather unforgettable several weeks at camp some 12 years ago which still comes to mind at points, so.

[Tanktimus the Encourager]

FWIW, I think I still dislike them too. *lol* I have an ingrained suspicion and prejudice against women who wear lots of makeup and look impeccably groomed and fashionable.

 

I read somewhere, (I think it was psychology today) that when men viewed pictures of women for a part of a second, women with a lot of makeup were rated more attractive than less made up women. But when men viewed the pictures as long as they wanted before rating them, they rated heavily made up women as less attractive.

[Raincloak]

I read somewhere, (I think it was psychology today) that when men viewed pictures of women for a part of a second, women with a lot of makeup were rated more attractive than less made up women. But when men viewed the pictures as long as they wanted before rating them, they rated heavily made up women as less attractive.

 

That doesn't surprise me at all, actually.  If you carefully study a picture of a model in a magazine, and think about how they'd look if you saw them on the street, you realize how freakish they are.  They are carefully arranged to look lovely for the fraction of a second it takes you to glance at the picture and turn the page, but look closer and you see that they're extraordinarily tall and thin (even gaunt sometimes), their postures are unnatural, the hair out to there is reminiscent of a clown, and those clothes are kind of ridiculous!  And these days, it's all Photoshopped anyway. 

 

It's only art, it's not real, and the longer you look, the less real it seems.

 

there's probably a conscious self-editing component there, too; depending on which culture did the study, the men might have believed they "shouldn't" find such artificial creatures attractive, whether they really do or not.

[Nucleus]

I almost feel like, as a man, we aren't supposed to feel that way. We aren't supposed to worry about what other people are thinking about us, we aren't supposed to have body image issues, among other things and it's more than a little frustrating because I feel like I can't even talk about it to anyone.

 

Men don't seem to talk about this stuff except in the most oblique, shrouded way. As a woman it's completely socially acceptable to go through everything you don't like about yourself and anyone listening is expected to perform a point by point rebuttal and counselling service.

 

I do the same for male friends who express any insecurity about their appearance etc. Doesn't happen often and they pretend they're too manly to care about reassurance, but they're totally not.

 

I'm riddled with self esteem problems and social awkwardness. I think the key factor is how much it holds you back. 100 years from now, we're going to be gone. If you spend chunks of your life hiding away instead of being who you want to be and doing what you want, what's the point of being here at all? There are times I don't much like myself, or I cringe about stuff I've said and done. So what. Life goes on, there's work to be done, and millions of people make tits of themselves every day. I laugh about it, because what's the alternative?

 

I do have a sneaking suspicion that most people find it easier than that to shrug things off.

[Lowenna]

Well I have terrible self-esteem, so I might be the worst person to give advice on this one, but my self-esteem is a lot better than it used to be so maybe I'm a good person to give advice about this.

 

One thing I find really useful is challenge my inner critic. Whenever you start telling yourself that you're worthless, challenge yourself, you're lying to yourself. Tell yourself all the good stuff that you've done, tell yourself that all people are worth something, tell yourself that you know it's a lie. If you start offering yourself a specific criticism, challenge it, offer a counter-example to that criticism. If self-esteem is really poor it may take some time to think of counter-example, but put the effort in you'll get better at defeating your negative thoughts. Talk yourself how you would talk to other people. If you have low self esteem you probably treat yourself and criticise yourself worse than anyone else does.

 

Talk to women like they're people, we are, some are lovely interesting people, some aren't you have to talk to them to find out which is which is which. To echo earlier advice start off trying to talk to women you have shared interests with gaming, fitness, music, whatever it is that your into, clubs are good places to find people who are into similar things or friends of friends. Let things develop naturally, don't expect anything, don't put mad pressure on yourself for it to become anything in particular, just be you and talk about what you care about. If a relationship develops that's great, if a friendship develops that's great because you gained a friend, if nothing develops that's great too because you tried, you stepped outside your comfort zone and learned something about yourself even if it's just that the person in question and you aren't suited to each other. As with all things practice makes perfect, a start small if you feel like you can't cope. Try to remember that teenagers are horrible and adults are much nicer and more mature so try to leave the high school stuff behind.

[Lowenna]

I almost feel like, as a man, we aren't supposed to feel that way. We aren't supposed to worry about what other people are thinking about us, we aren't supposed to have body image issues, among other things and it's more than a little frustrating because I feel like I can't even talk about it to anyone.

 

Try not to tell yourself how you should and shouldn't feel, it'll just make you feel worse. I'm a firm believer that there are positive and negative feelings (as in those that feel good and those that feel bad), but no way you SHOULD feel only ways which we should and shouldn't act on how we feel. Try to accept how you feel rather than judging it. If you try to talk to friends about self-esteem I think you'll be surprised at how many other men have similar feelings. Society puts huge pressure on both genders to conform to stereotypes, for women it's to be skinny but curvy (try to work that one out) and for men it's to be ripped.