Gym and Yoga - Terrible Situations for the Socially Awkward

[Alethea]

K, evidently we have a lot of Cracked fans, but this made me laugh too hard to NOT share. I think every single one of us feels this horrible awkwardness until we get used to these situations. You are not alone.

#3 Yoga Class/The Gym in General

Yoga is just a disaster. Not a lot of people know this, but it was invented by the Israeli military as a way to torture war prisoners in uniquely humiliating ways. Over the years, it's been adopted by spiritual fitness experts, but the underlying intentions of embarrassment still linger, especially for the socially awkward. Yoga utilizes a code of language that every participant except you understands. The instructor will say something like "Feel the energy bubbling at your center," or "Now go ahead and expand your heart chakra," and you'll think it's nonsense until you look around and realize that absolutely everyone else is expanding the shit out of their heart chakras." You've got your leg in the air and you're desperately trying not to fall down while simultaneously trying to "breathe through your core," as if that means anything, and your instructor will come over and give you some personal guidance:

Instructor: "That's good, but do me a favor and lengthen."

You, Struggling to Breathe: "Like... taller? Like be taller?"

Instructor: "Just lengthen."

You: "I feel like I'm as far as I can go, in all possible directions. I can't move anything."

Instructor: "Imagine there's a string attached to the top of your head."

You: "Okay, I'm imagining that... Is that- did I do it? Does imagining that mean I've lengthened?"

Instructor: "No, just imagine that string and then lengthen."

You, Currently Falling Over: "I need you to use a word that isn't 'lengthen' to get me to do whatever it is you want."

Instructor: "Here, I'm just going to put my hands on you and position you so-"

You: "NoGodpleasedon'ttouchme!"

Oh, right, yoga class is similar to massage parlors, in that everyone is doing objectively sexy things like putting butts in each other's faces and flinging pelvises with abandon, but no one finds it the least bit odd. The yoga instructor will occasionally point to some woman whose ass is thrust majestically skyward and say "Look, everyone, look at what Sapphire's doing and do that. Everyone look at Sapphire gluts," and you think No, society has trained me not to.

"Look at Candy's posterior, you really want that level of firmness. Here, watch me bounce this quarter off it."

When you're finished with your embarrassing tragedy of a yoga class, the rest of the gym at large is also just a minefield of awkwardness. There's a possibility that someone will ask you to spot them, which is difficult for you, because you have no idea where to put your hands. And someone might ask you what you're working out that day, and you have no answer, because your routine is always "I just, uh, do the... weights." You're terrified that, if you give a more specific answer like "Arms," they'll say "Well then why the hell are you doing a chest exercise," because absolutely everyone at the gym knows more about gymming than you do.

Read more: http://www.cracked.com/blog/5-terrible-situations-socially-awkward-man/#ixzz1IIpP6pbq

[sumdawgtwigg]

lol that's great.

[GymratAnarchist]

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Favorite line: "I need you to use a word that isn't 'lengthen' to get me to do whatever it is you want." I think we've all felt a version of this when having something explained to us by someone who doesn't get that, if we didn't get it the first few times, using the same words over and over is NOT going to help.

[ormaybemidgets]

LOL, I read that too, and remembered the first time I complained about Pilates on here! To quote myself:

I did my very first Pilates ever yesterday. I've done a tiny bit of yoga in the past, but never got into it, so I was coming in with no experience. And let me tell you... it frustrated me greatly. I couldn't do the moves right, they'd say "do you feel it (here)?" and I'd think "no, I sure don't." I didn't understand what they were talking about - what's joining your hip bone to your ribcage? Every time they'd say to remember to keep your abs braced, I would try and it would feel impossible, like the move and ab bracing just could not possibly be combined. Sometimes they said weird things, what is "energy out the knee" and "are your abs communicating"?

[Alethea]

"Are your abs communicating" STILL makes me go o_O. "... should they be?"

[Firebrand]

"Are your abs communicating?"

Yes, they are telling me that they are in a great amount of pain right now.

[CapN_Tommy_Sunshine]

I was reading that article last week before I started work, and I wasn't sure if I was going to be composed enough to start when my shift started. Luckily, I didn't get any calls right away, so I was able to settle down.

That whole article was hilarious.