Body image/eating disorders

[I am Eve]

Thank you for this thread. I am currently travelling and have not read it all but what I've seen is precious.

So, had an anorexic period around high school years. Always struggling with body image. Recently reached " target weight". Now struggling to keep comfortable ;-) Changing goal when the goal has always been losing weight is HARD.

Something good that I did today: I came here to vent, do not feel good about myself this morning-without any reason at all, coming here made me feel better.

What I like. It's hard today but I have nice curves and really like my waist.

[goodbyeharrison]

Struggling with self doubt, insecurity and self-loathing.

My insecurity: Not knowing if guys actually like me, or are just chasing me because i'm a pretty face with a nice body. So yeah this actually makes me hate my beauty. Today's just one of those days.

-It kind of makes me wonder, if i was overweight, would I avoid losing weight so I could avoid guys? (I have a friend that is afraid to lose weight because of this. So to any women out there that may feel the same way, support's here and you're not alone. *hugs*)

I also keep making stupid grammatical errors that's pissing me off. For example i wrote "share fare" instead of fair share. WTF?

Yesterday just spiraled into crap late last night. Both food related and non-food related. Feeling pretty pathetic and angry (edit:non food related).

1) Going to work out today.

2) Since i'm struggling with it, i guess i'll write about it.

I like my natural beauty. I don't feel like I need to wear makeup, and so I don't. I feel pretty without makeup, and if i do wear it, i prefer a more neutral look. I haven't consistently worn makeup in over a year. I think i have only worn it maybe 2 or 3 times in the past year. Of course once I get a "real job" I know this will change and will end up wearing makeup. But for now I am enjoying it.

[goodbyeharrison]

So i had some coffee and now i'm starting to wake up. Feeling a bit better than earlier.

Writing is soothing to me. I like writing in my journal, and maybe one day ill even write a book compiling all my craziness. 

 

My scattered thoughts can come out like word vomit. I guess i have both, word and writing vomit. When i write i think i can be too brutally honest about what is on my mind, so here's an apology for my TMI writing.

 

Even though i have my ups and downs, i am thankful for my experiences. It's made me a much stronger person and i know what i can handle. 

I see changes, small changes, and they'll eventually be big changes. I know it takes time (im stubborn) But i deserve better, i deserve happiness. And that's what i'm gonna get

 

"Owning my own blend of sexy." maybe this means going out to buy a new outfit

 

I felt earlier like i had nothing positive to say, but thats not true.

 

To my struggles...

 

Self-Doubt: I can and will change. one set back is not the end of the world.

 

Insecurity: Take the flirtations and chase as a compliment. And it's okay to wear something pretty. To feel beautiful. I can wait for the "right nerd" to come along. I don't need a guy to be happy and i feel no rush to get married. I'd like to enjoy single life before I enjoy married life. 

 

Self-Loathing: Punishing myself won't accomplish anything. Learn from the past, move on to the future.

 

Change the things i can, and accept the things i cannot change. 

[I-Jo]

excellent... that's what I'm taking about.

even if you're in a white tank and sweats... Rock that out and make it your sexy... make it your awesome. because- nothing is better than a woman confident in her self. :-)

[goodbyeharrison]

Lol my go to outfit is a tank top and yoga pants. I may not wear makeup, but I always make sure I wear something that is form fitting and compliments my body. When I started working out, that meant going out to buy a cute outfit. If I'm gonna do something, might as well look cute when I do it. Strut my stuff like a peacock.

[I-Jo]

fuck yeah.

I always look cute when I go to the gym.  I used to look like a hot mess all the time from work- grungy ill fitting jeans and dusty ass over sized shirts.  

 

I go to dance- if I hate when I'm looking at- guess what my dance sucks.  So fuck yeah I'll go looking cute to the gym and work my shit.  I'm there to work- but there are no rules that say I gotta look fugly while I'm doing it!!!! 

[goodbyeharrison]

fuck yeah.

I always look cute when I go to the gym.  I used to look like a hot mess all the time from work- grungy ill fitting jeans and dusty ass over sized shirts.  

 

I go to dance- if I hate when I'm looking at- guess what my dance sucks.  So fuck yeah I'll go looking cute to the gym and work my shit.  I'm there to work- but there are no rules that say I gotta look fugly while I'm doing it!!!! 

 

 

When i think about some of the stuff i wear, i just groan *face palm* and ask myself what the heck i was thinking. It's been over the past year and a half that i really started paying more attention to the way i dress. Albeit i may wear tank tops a lot (im kind of a plain girl) but i have my cute tops that i wear when i go out. And specific gym clothes. It really is amazing how wearing the right clothing helps.

 

My hair is something i should work on..i always wear a ponytail and have gotten so used to it. ive worked in the food industry for a while, so ive had to have my hair in a ponytail and so ive gotten used to it. Now i can't stand when my hair is down or in my face. But it would be nice to do something with my hair every once in a while.

[I am Eve]

Lol my go to outfit is a tank top and yoga pants. I may not wear makeup, but I always make sure I wear something that is form fitting and compliments my body. When I started working out, that meant going out to buy a cute outfit. If I'm gonna do something, might as well look cute when I do it. Strut my stuff like a peacock.

I really agree! I look good, and it's comfortable. Win win....I have sooo many hot/nice sport tops/bras ;-)

[I-Jo]

I am totally addicted to Target's Long and Lean tanks.  I own like 50 of them.

 

I wear that and capris (as seen in my squat video) I pretty much live in that shit.   I love it. cute sports bra too- none of that mash me into my chest cavity shit. 

[goodbyeharrison]

1) Slept in after being exhausted yesterday. brain couldn't function.

 

2) I like how I look with my glasses. I have worn them since 6th grade, and have also worn contacts, but I prefer to wear my glasses. They just help add to my nerdiness and my own blend of sexy.

[goodbyeharrison]

So yesterday was pretty freaking awesome. Had a great meeting with awesome ladies, I am very thankful for all of my friends and support system. I am very thankful for my dad's insurance (very sad that i won't have it after next year).

 

A random cool conversation with a classmate. Was complimented that i seem "mature, trustworthy and understanding" "that i wont judge" and "i should be a psychologist"

 

Food..well i have finals, projects and lots of stuff coming up..so i'm not sweating it too much. I have a ritual snacking i do when i do homework and study...so that will be put on hold until summer time.

 

1) Made an appointment with a therapist. Have been putting this off for a while now. So it was good that i took care of it.

 

2) I like it when i'm laughing and i snort. It doesn't happen all the time, but i find it comical when i do. Who doesn't love a girl that snorts???

[goodbyeharrison]

1) I was very productive today. Finished my paper. Did my presentation. Took care of other school work. Started to clean my room and do laundry. 

 

2) I like my legs. They are long and so i don't have to wear heels. I especially like how my legs look in my yoga capris. Which is probably why i practically live in them now. And i also started liking skinny jeans because of my legs. Funny thing is i used to hate the idea of skinny jeans and now thats all i wear.

 

 

I get really anxious when i have to start writing papers for school. I put it off and actually sitting down to write it gets really hard. I get so antsy, so i normally clean and/or eat before i start. then i snack a lot when i write....

 

i had to write a paper last night.so of course i snacked..a lot... whole bag of plantain chips just gone...candy, ice cream, cinnamon popcorn (my ibs regrets that one)...got a sugar high and then crashed. 

 

My dad made a comment about how i almost finished the ice cream in 2 days. if only he knew what else i ate.

My family sometimes laughs at how much i eat or comments i make, but seriously, its an issue.

Body feels blah from everything i ate. Too much stress and too much occurred the past few days to really care, so i'm not punishing myself for the binge snacking. I know it's not a valid excuse, but the punishment aspect is where i really struggle. so gotta let it go.

[wilfnelson]

This is quite an interesting post to read. i have always been very thin, i mean my bmi has managed 14 before. im not anorexia, i am ok with food but dont particularly enjoy eating as much as other people do but ive never had lifestyle problems. now as a guy it is quite the opposite from women, women have to be thin, men have to be big. What was weird for me was that as i started to get more muscular i did find myself enjoying havin a nicer physique. i had not previously understood how emotional addictive one's appearance can be.

 

in fact more many years i completely deplored exercise, i thought it only lead to angry brutish idiots mostly because in my home town that is what it does to people but i now appreciate exercise being a way to train your mind, obtain goals and learn self control.

 

maybe exercise and body image is something we should start addressing more psychologically? it cant be right that the main input by psychiatrists to body image is anorexia and bulimia. that is like saying our main understanding of learning and imagination is schizophrenia.

[goodbyeharrison]

1) Okay so today i went to my neighbors house to catch up with her. I have known her since i was little, and even though we lived just a few houses apart, we rarely see each other.  I needed to get out of my social anorexia stage. A contributing factor is school mon-thurs, and work fri- sun. im tired and just want to relax at home (okay so thats partially too...another part of me just wants to hide and avoid certain friends). it's too much going on. i get burnt out and don't want to put forth effort to contact friends. i shut myself off from the outside world. i have been getting lonely and tired of being holed up at home.

 

2) i like my boobs. they are not too big, and not too small. After losing some weight, my boobs shrunk a little (i have come to accept this). But they really are nice. And hey, i have never had much of a butt, so i gotta work with what i have.

[goodbyeharrison]

Oh and i finally emptied out my "trash can of shame" from my room. It had all of the wrappers snacks from studying and writing this week.It was staring at me, reminding me of everything i ate. I feel extra squishy from everything i ate this week. My eating habits are so much better when i am working out consistently, and this week has been difficult to get it in. My drive to the gym is 20 minutes just to get down there and that's just a pain to take 1.5 hours out of my day when i have papers to write and presentations to work on. 

"well why can't you just work out at home?"

Great question! Here's the problem. I like consistency. I had previously become accustomed to working out at home, so going to the gym took getting used to (having the PT set schedule really helped. However, i have now became accustomed to working out at the gym. So now the motivation to continue working out at home is not the same as before. So its a matter of breaking through that mentality to just do it.(Harder to do when im in the state of self loathing.) So going to the gym helps keep me working out and finish the routine. If im at home i might just say eh screw it and not finish the circuit. 

 

I will be looking into a gym that is closer to home. And pushing myself to workout at home. Just fighting end of semester laziness. 

[goodbyeharrison]

1) Cleaned my kitchen and made my mom a strawberry crisp for mothers day. 

 

2) I like my wrists. They aren't too small. I think they are dainty and "just right."

 

My anxiety the past couple days has been kinda high. Work exacerbates my anger and anxiety. My coworker last night was stressed when we were busy and told me she was on the verge of a melt down. I don't express my anxiety. I keep it inward and hide it, and try to suppress it. Probably why i have my compulsive habits. Those repetitive habits help soothe me. I worry some days ill just implode and have a melt down. Haven't had that happen yet.

 

However, while work was busy last night and i was exhausted, i did not relieve stress by having ice cream or some other sweet. Instead i had fruit (banana and strawberries). Yay for choosing healthy options. 

[goodbyeharrison]

My sister graduates from law school on saturday..my work did not give me the day off...so i plan on either quitting completely or just not showing up/deal with suspension. While the idea of not having a job gives me anxiety, this stupid job gives me anxiety. So either way i'm left anxious. I'm hoping it gets resolved and i will not have to quit or get suspended, i will find out on friday.

 

Froze up during a presentation in class and messed up. bummed and frustrated. Nothing i can do now though. I have one more presentation wed...this one will go better.

 

Locked my keys in my car. Seriously, this day just keeps going downhill.

 

Next week is finals. So much to do, so little time. So much homework and studying to do. argh.

 

I have not gone downhill in eating crappy sweets or binging on plantain chips even with all the frustrations, at least not yet. We will see how much more i can handle before i break. Right now ive resorted to eating cherries and having a little bit of peanut butter dipped in a small amount of honey to suppress the beast mode.

 

 

1) i havent gone on a junk food binge fest even with the stress piling up. (Edit: yeah this didn't last long. plantain chips)

Showered to help relax. Kinda helped. Now being productive in school work.

 

2) I like my eyebrows. I like the shape and they are not too thick and not too thin. I remember when i used to want to pluck my eyebrows thin (copying my sister *face palm*) and now i could not imagine having them that thin again. 

[goodbyeharrison]

1) Needed change..so i decided to cut my hair...myself. My hair was bothering me, so i grabbed scissors and cut off a good chunk of my ponytail. i have been wanting to do this for the past few days. now i just need it trimmed and evened out...But now it goes to my shoulder and looks super short in a pony tail. But the ends are no longer thin and whispy.

 

2) I like my lips. They are slightly pink and i like the size. My lower lip is slightly larger than my upper lip, but not much. (This face symmetry site that i put my photo in said my mouth was too wide for my face. screw you. i like my mouth).

 

 

Honestly posting about things i like about myself has been kinda hard. I know i gained a few pounds back (its back to my normal weight..its a healthy weight..so it shouldnt bother me..but it does...) and so my stomach is definitely a source of frustration. I feel like it looks extra bloated. i know It's in my head..

 

I had a dream that i was pregnant and that freaked me out a bit. The idea of having a baby and my stomach getting big/stretch marks really freaks me out. I know it's my vanity, but i already have enough trouble with accepting my stomach. I think having a child would be too much overload on my system. 

 

And don't ask me why, but when i cut my hair, i had this urge to just chop it all off. Maybe it's just anger i'm trying to take out on myself. I dunno.

[marionette]

 

And don't ask me why, but when i cut my hair, i had this urge to just chop it all off. Maybe it's just anger i'm trying to take out on myself. I dunno.

 

I've done this before. I understand where this is coming from, some days I think it is a miracle I haven't shaved my head bald.

 

I like this thread of yours, even if I haven't posted before now. It helps to just read it.

[I-Jo]

hair is something you have 100% control over.  And when you have no control in life- having control over something is needed- you NEED to know that you have something you can do.

 

Every major event in my life is punctuated by a hair cut.  for good or bad. 

 

It's Wednesday darling- it'll get better.  I PROMISE you.  

[goodbyeharrison]

I so wanted to shave my head. But it'd be a bad idea because i'd be unhappy bald. I like at least some hair lol! But seriously it was a thought...just shave it off. 

 

 

Today i was walking and saw a girl, and the comparison thoughts popped in.  You know, the "she has a nice body, wish i had hers" crap. Made me wonder, how many girls have that thought when they see me? I spend all this energy focusing on what i don't like, seeing myself in a negative light, but how do people really see me? 

 

I was joking with a classmate about finals and papers, and how ive been snacking and have been too busy to go to the gym. He called me a piggy and i was like (add sarcasm) geez i know i havent gone to the gym and put on a couple pounds. So he offered to help me work out. Not gonna lie, i took that offer the wrong way for a little while. felt like a low blow. Like geez, its only been a few days since ive worked out, does he think i need to? (God i hate being a female sometimes and thinking this way). He really was trying to be nice,  he knows i haven't been able to make it to the gym and so he offered to go swimming or do some weight exercises with me at his home.

 

I haven't done my normal work out in a few days. One i've been busy with school, projects, papers, etc. And two, my lower back has been bothering me. I am not quite sure what's wrong with it..but i have just been stretching it and monitoring the pain. Nothing excruciating, but definitely not something i want to hurt or strain even further. So i have put my usual routine on hold and Ill have to figure something else out until the pain is gone. I am hoping within a week or two it'll feel better. Until then it's definitely a bummer..Just trying not to be paranoid about not being able to work out and weight gain. thankfully I don't use the scale to monitor weight, so i dont obsess over it..that's comforting i guess. I tend to go by how my bra fits..if my bra fits a certain way, i generally know the weight range im in. lol. apparently my boobs are good for something. 

 

 

1) I dressed in a cute outfit today. Not dressed up, but i just feel like its a cute top, and i like how it looks with my pants and boots (yay boots). Plus its not tight, so i don't feel like my stomach is enormous or bloated. Also, i don't rub my stomach like im pregnant when i'm wearing loose clothing. 

 

2) I like my long neck. I have been told before that it's long like a giraffe neck, and he also compared it to a turkey's neck. (Yeah he had an odd way of giving compliments.)

[Cr33g]

This is a really good thread... and I'm glad guys weren't excluded. 

 

To respond to you goodbyeharrison, I can sort of relate to what you're talking about... I hate missing the gym or Judo, I hate being able to miss a session of exercise. So much important stuff comes up like who knows - work stuff, family stuff, university/college studies etc. I feel absolutely terrible about myself if I miss a workout. I really do feel "fat". It sounds like that fellow you're talking about was just trying to be nice and offer you some help and support, but it's understandable if you may take it the wrong way. I feel so defensive about my body, if anyone says anything remotely negative I just don't like it. We got this new kid at Judo who said to me "Wow look at those stretch marks" and it just really made me annoyed. I kinda bluntly replied "Thanks for pointing that out." and made the change room a bit awkward. 

 

I've mentioned this in a post before but I used to be very overweight (128kg, about 280 pounds). When I was overweight, I was very quiet, very shy and I had essentially no confidence or self esteem. Now I've lost all that weight, I'm fit, I'm strong and I feel better about myself and how I look. At the same time though, I don't know how to overcome this, I still am very shy to new people, I have low confidence and a low self esteem. In a way I feel the same, I feel that on the inside I'm still the same fat kid from the past. This point isn't exactly a "body" image issue but it's more of a "mental" issue, if that makes sense? 

 

I also hate my stretch marks. Because of being overweight, then losing the weight, then gaining mass, my body is covered in stretch marks. Seriously my shoulders look like I was attacked by a lion or something. I've heard of ways to reduce stretch marks but I've yet to try it. It's impossible to get rid of them, isn't it? 

 

If I do like things about myself... uh... 

 

1 - A guy at the gym asked me if I've lost weight recently, I said yes because I'm trying to cut down weight for an upcoming Judo competition. He said good on ya and said I was looking really trim, so that made me happy.

 

2 - A friend of mine at work (who is into body building) recently told me that my forearms are looking really good. I said thanks, then he made a joke "What's your secret? Is it this?" before doing a jacking off motion with his hand. He's a funny guy and he's my mate, so I thought it was pretty funny. Made me laugh. I replied "I train to your photos at night if you know what I mean".

[goodbyeharrison]

I am just awful at taking and accepting compliments. I've been told this before as well. I rarely ever just say "gee thanks." It's either, i ignore it (typically what happens), get irritated by it, or have some response (sometimes verbally or just in my head).

 

I especially get irritated when my parents talk about being proud of me..i dont say anything bratty to them, but internally im like UGH shut up.

 

Very rarely does a compliment have any true value to me. Sad that i can be so negative. So my goal is when i get a compliment accept it and appreciate..of course its not going to happen instantaneously, but hey maybe one day (a girl can dream). 

 

1) I took a nap. I was sleepy and fell asleep after a final. Seriously needed some extra sleep. Gosh i love naps and it's not too often that i get to take one. I always find it funny when i take a nap and wake up drooling. (Yeah..i drool sometimes.. so what?)

 

2) I like my brown hair. I had a friend that used to always try to get me to dye my hair blonde. No way. I love being a brunette. I have dyed my hair black to go darker twice (it was during my i hate the world phase). A part of me not going blonde was laziness..the idea of having to upkeep and continuously dye my hair. So i never did..but im happy being a brunette 

[goodbyeharrison]

This is a really good thread... and I'm glad guys weren't excluded. 

 

To respond to you goodbyeharrison, I can sort of relate to what you're talking about... I hate missing the gym or Judo, I hate being able to miss a session of exercise. So much important stuff comes up like who knows - work stuff, family stuff, university/college studies etc. I feel absolutely terrible about myself if I miss a workout. I really do feel "fat". It sounds like that fellow you're talking about was just trying to be nice and offer you some help and support, but it's understandable if you may take it the wrong way. I feel so defensive about my body, if anyone says anything remotely negative I just don't like it. We got this new kid at Judo who said to me "Wow look at those stretch marks" and it just really made me annoyed. I kinda bluntly replied "Thanks for pointing that out." and made the change room a bit awkward. 

 

I've mentioned this in a post before but I used to be very overweight (128kg, about 280 pounds). When I was overweight, I was very quiet, very shy and I had essentially no confidence or self esteem. Now I've lost all that weight, I'm fit, I'm strong and I feel better about myself and how I look. At the same time though, I don't know how to overcome this, I still am very shy to new people, I have low confidence and a low self esteem. In a way I feel the same, I feel that on the inside I'm still the same fat kid from the past. This point isn't exactly a "body" image issue but it's more of a "mental" issue, if that makes sense? 

 

I also hate my stretch marks. Because of being overweight, then losing the weight, then gaining mass, my body is covered in stretch marks. Seriously my shoulders look like I was attacked by a lion or something. I've heard of ways to reduce stretch marks but I've yet to try it. It's impossible to get rid of them, isn't it? 

 

If I do like things about myself... uh... 

 

1 - A guy at the gym asked me if I've lost weight recently, I said yes because I'm trying to cut down weight for an upcoming Judo competition. He said good on ya and said I was looking really trim, so that made me happy.

 

2 - A friend of mine at work (who is into body building) recently told me that my forearms are looking really good. I said thanks, then he made a joke "What's your secret? Is it this?" before doing a jacking off motion with his hand. He's a funny guy and he's my mate, so I thought it was pretty funny. Made me laugh. I replied "I train to your photos at night if you know what I mean".

 

 

I used to be pretty shy and it was harder for me to talk to people, especially new people. Making friends at school was difficult, i was scared to initiate the conversation. What helped me?  Just doing it. Getting out of my comfort zone and talking to people. I had to force myself to be outgoing. Plus, having a job at a restaurant did help because i was forced to talk to people. It didn't happen all at once and took years to get me to where i am today. Now i don't have to force myself to be outgoing, it's become more natural for me. Reminds me of the "fake it til you make it." 

 

Start with little steps. If you are too nervous to introduce yourself and initiate conversation, then start by just smiling. Work your way up to introducing yourself. Then work on initiating small talk. It's all about steps. It can even help to survey the situation and have a game plan for small talk. Where are you? what are you doing? For example, if you're at school, you can start small talk about the class or school in general. "how long have you been going here for?" "what classes are you taking" "what do you think of the class?" etc. 

 

I know it can be hard, and it takes work. But you CAN do it. You just have to be bold and take the plunge. As nike would say "just do it"

 

Working on shyness, confidence and self esteem is going to take effort. You will have to challenge your negative thoughts. You will have to challenge your bad habits. You will have to challenge some of your normal way of doing things. It doesn't happen at once, so like i said take those small steps to work on it. 

 

Oh and congrats on the weight loss and hard effort put into it!! 

[Cr33g]

Thanks goodbyeharrison, I appreciate the response and advice. It sounds like you've had quite the challenge yourself, but you've obviously found a solution that works.

 

It's kind of funny... this may sound hypocritical to what I previously said, in a professional and working environment, I don't have much of a problem. It's like... before my current job, I worked in retail selling telecommunications stuff. When I first started I was absolutely terrible, but by the end of it (nearly two years) I was quite good at talking to people - on a professional, salesman level. With my current job, I often have to talk to people like government managers, directors, clients, that sort of thing. I completely sucked at first, but now I am quite good at it.

 

Talking to people on a social level though is a different story. It feels completely different for me it's and bizzare. With my friends who I have known for a long time I am very open and outgoing. As soon as I meet someone new though, I just close up. I must look and sound like a weirdo. I also have a lot of problems talking to girls in a social setting. Talking to a female friend is all well and good, because they're a friend and I am comfortable with them, but trying to talk to a girl I don't know but who I'd like to get to know (a girl I might find attractive at a party or something) is just... how the f-? I don't know how guys do it.

 

I dunno. I'm pretty weird.