My husband the saboteur

[El Exorcisto]

I was your husband for a while, jus tnot to quite the same degree. I've been a consistent 190-200 since I got married about 8 years ago. My wife has done the rollercoaster of diets and exercising while I sat back and watched, not really caring. This time around I took the lead, so I don't have any experience in your situation. I do however, have some thoughts.

 

Men in general are very self conscious, especially when a woman can do something they are incapable of. The sabotage, either conscious or not, just serves to keep him from feeling insignificant compared to you. Your answer to getting his ass off the sofa is to get strong enough to do something that he cannot. Running is good, don't get me wrong. You will have a much easier time losing and maintaining if you pick up a bar and start moving some weight. Lifting has always been a male-dominated topic, so the idea of you lifting when he isn't might wake him up on its own. However, if you start moving a lot of weight, it calls his masculinity into question. I don't know of many men that could stand being around a wife that deadlifted more than they could and still look themselves in the mirror.

 

If he is sabotaging you, then play the guilt card on him. Don't say a word, just do it. If it doesn't phase him, then to hell with him. Get stronger and faster while he watches the days tick by on the sofa. We all makes our choices and deal with the consequences. Live your life for yourself. If he doesn't want to participate, it most certainly isn't your problem.

[marionette]

 Lifting has always been a male-dominated topic, so the idea of you lifting when he isn't might wake him up on its own. However, if you start moving a lot of weight, it calls his masculinity into question. I don't know of many men that could stand being around a wife that deadlifted more than they could and still look themselves in the mirror.

 

 

I don't know, my husband hates lifting. His one rep max probably has me beat, but when it comes to sustained exercises I'm lifting more than him consistently and recover faster than he does. It doesn't seem to bother him.

[puddletheduck]

Thanks El Exorcisto - interesting to hear a male perspective. However, my husband is seriously uncompetitive (we're polar opposites in that regard!) and I can see him being more like marionette's husband (not being bothered).

 

But time will tell. I only started lifting two months ago and I still have a lot of fat covering my new muscles. Who knows - when/if I start looking a lot better something in his mind might click. Though, much as I want him to be healthy, I confess it would make me sad if he felt he had to exercise just because I looked different. Because that would mean (referring to Thrillho's point) that he DID feel he wasn't good enough. Which would never be the case

 

BTW - sorry I seem to have hijacked this thread from the original poster. Sincere apologies - it wasn't intentional. I'm lucky that my husband doesn't sabotage me at all.

[I-Jo]

Starting to look better and turn heads my get his attention subconsiocusly.

My mom and I were talking about it the other day- she said I can't believe the fact you work at a gym and look so good- and he doesn't care... if I were at the gym doing that-  your dad would be busting his butt to keep himself in top shape. 

 

Three years and a break up later- he took me seriously (Fucker lost 23 lbs in 2-3 weeks- but too fast- but least he's doing something).  Yeah- sometimes it really makes no difference- they don't care at all.

[cline]

If your spouse wanted you to take up something s/he loved - watching arena football, making sock monkeys, making mini cupcakes, auto repair - and your spouse nagged you, lectured you, talked to you, demonstrated his/her awesomeness to you....

How would you feel?

[Evicious]

You just have to keep doing what you are doing and stick with it. Don't worry about making him feel bad because ultimately it is your health. Get involved in the kitchen and you'll have more input about what you eat, start buying the groceries and you'll have more input over what the two of you eat. 

 

As for getting him to come around... 

 

 

I find this kinda hard to believe of someone who went through gastric bypass surgery. It takes an immense amount of commitment and willpower to go through that and it is essentially hell. He might be in a failure feedback loop. "I went through all this, lost all that weight, and now I'm putting it back on? I'm doomed to be fat so may as well catch up on Game of Thrones..." Fear of failure might keep him from trying. His bitterness towards you might be because he doesn't see you in that loop he is in and is resentful. 

 

Ask him to go hiking with you. Look for a nice nature path. Make it a date. He enjoyed hiking before and only stopped when he moved into town, so no reason will suddenly dislike it. Who knows, that playfulness you mentioned that the two of you share might turn into playing tag eventually.

 

 

This ^^^. 100x this. You know him better than any of us, but Marionette has one of the strongest suggestions I've seen in this topic yet. Do what you know inspires him, what he enjoys, what the two of you enjoy together, and make sure you keep your goals your goals.

[cyndidee]

I was your husband for a while, jus tnot to quite the same degree. I've been a consistent 190-200 since I got married about 8 years ago. My wife has done the rollercoaster of diets and exercising while I sat back and watched, not really caring. This time around I took the lead, so I don't have any experience in your situation. I do however, have some thoughts.

 

Men in general are very self conscious, especially when a woman can do something they are incapable of. The sabotage, either conscious or not, just serves to keep him from feeling insignificant compared to you. Your answer to getting his ass off the sofa is to get strong enough to do something that he cannot. Running is good, don't get me wrong. You will have a much easier time losing and maintaining if you pick up a bar and start moving some weight. Lifting has always been a male-dominated topic, so the idea of you lifting when he isn't might wake him up on its own. However, if you start moving a lot of weight, it calls his masculinity into question. I don't know of many men that could stand being around a wife that deadlifted more than they could and still look themselves in the mirror.

 

If he is sabotaging you, then play the guilt card on him. Don't say a word, just do it. If it doesn't phase him, then to hell with him. Get stronger and faster while he watches the days tick by on the sofa. We all makes our choices and deal with the consequences. Live your life for yourself. If he doesn't want to participate, it most certainly isn't your problem.

 

(original poster here...)

 

A light bulb just went off. I think you've got a great idea there... he used to lift weights. Before he was 525 pounds he would work out all the time. I'm so not a weights person, but your advice has suddenly wanted me to start lifting - in the living room while he's watching TV. Actually, before we got married he asked if he could improve one thing about himself, what would I want it to be and I told him I wanted him to have huge muscular arms like he claims to have had in college. (I asked him about me and of course he said long hair... and bigger boobs.) 

 

After much thinking the past few days I think me not sticking with being paleo and not working out as often as I'd like to, has resulted in few changes in me. If I'm doing all this work and not seeing results, why continue? I know why, but he doesn't. I need to focus on some results and then maybe that will help him realize WHY I want to eat paleo and why I want to run. And maybe it'll help him realize why I want him to do the same. 

[cline]

Stick to the you stuff. That's where it's at.