Handling negative self-talk - how do you do it?

[CrisciMalosh]

See, the unspoken truth about being a human in Western Society... we ALL suffer from negative self talk at one point or another in our lives.  How can we not?  We are surrounded constantly by images of what some fashion execs and hollywood execs think is the human ideal, and very few of us live up to that. We are bombarded by contradictory messages all of the time, either we are diseased, or else too lazy, or genetically destined to look a certain way. But on the same side, we have people trying to sell us books, work out routines, magazines, that give us the promise that we CAN look like models, if we work hard enough. But when we work hard, and then not achieve the promised results, we are told that we failed, not the program. If everyone else is telling us we aren't good enough, doesn't it follow that we would internalize that message, and tell ourselves that we aren't good enough?

 

Doesn't make it hurt any less though. 

[I-Jo]

^^ excellent point.

 

We aren't alone.  and we don't suffer alone.

 

Saw this today and immediately wanted to share.

 

[Huntress]

One of the other ones I've heard (that made me cry) was - would you ever talk to your children like that? Then why would you talk to yourself like that? 

 

Just the idea of saying such horrible things to my children brought me to tears. I'm welling up right now just thinking about it. 

 

I deserve better than that. (Shut up brain, yes I DO!)

 

Yes, you do. You really do.

I've been working some crazy long hours - and work blocks NF!! - but I've been reading what everyone has said and learning a lot. It's good to know how not alone I am, as well as a the different strategies people have to deal with these thoughts.

I-Jo, if you are still reading along, I really enjoyed what you had to say - and thanks

[Huntress]

See, the unspoken truth about being a human in Western Society... we ALL suffer from negative self talk at one point or another in our lives.  How can we not?  We are surrounded constantly by images of what some fashion execs and hollywood execs think is the human ideal, and very few of us live up to that. We are bombarded by contradictory messages all of the time, either we are diseased, or else too lazy, or genetically destined to look a certain way. But on the same side, we have people trying to sell us books, work out routines, magazines, that give us the promise that we CAN look like models, if we work hard enough. But when we work hard, and then not achieve the promised results, we are told that we failed, not the program. If everyone else is telling us we aren't good enough, doesn't it follow that we would internalize that message, and tell ourselves that we aren't good enough?

 

Doesn't make it hurt any less though. 

 

And yeah, I completely agree. Everyone can get fitter and healthier and look like the best versions of ourselves. But there's a whole industry telling us that the best version of ourselves is a some ripped bodybuilder or a waif-like model or whatever, and that's just not realistic. And when people swallow that line... it makes them a lot less happy and a whole bunch of irresponsible diet gurus a lot more rich.

[Damy]

Best way of eliminating negative self-talk? Punishment through burpees!

 

"I'm a joke, I can barely move any weight when I lift, I don't have the right to call myself a powerlifter"

 

10 Burpees.

 

"You'll never improve, you'll never get better, eventually you'll realise that you suck at this and you should quit"

 

20 Burpees

 

But seriously, the best way of losing ones self-preoccupation is to focus on something else. Get busy and forget yourself. Forget all of it - how you look, how you feel, how much you lift, and most of all, forget about peoples opinions. They mostly just talk to hear their own voice anyway. If you like to draw - you are an artist, no matter how your drawings look like! If you like to run; you are a runner, no matter how fast or how far you run. If you like to wear old-fashioned Fedoras, you are propably me, which is especially awesome!

 

Get busy with the things you love, dedicate yourself to something like helping family and friends, or a good cause, a hobby, or others less fortunate than yourself. Your life still won't be free of troubles. No one's is. It doesn't mean you'll enjoy every minute. No one does. But it does mean that voice in your head will shut up more often, because, well, you are just to busy to listen!

[Rooks]

Personally, I most of the time just stop and start rationalizing with myself.  For example, I'm on a 5 mile run. 

 

"You really need to stop and walk for like 1/2 mile.  I need a break."  

 

Before giving in, I stop and ask why?  Do you legs hurt?  No.  Are you winded?  A little, but nothing that you haven't been through 1000 times before.  Why again do I need to stop?  And suddenly, I'm 1/4 mile further and don't feel like walking anymore.  

 

Doesn't so much happen when weightlifting, but that could just be because sets are so much quicker, I don't have time to think about failing the set in the middle.  

 

As for negative self-talk when not working out, I use the same approach of just talking things through in my head when it does happen and usually it just goes away.  

[CrisciMalosh]

For me, there is no amount of physical activity that would help get rid of those nasty thoughts... and it might even turn into a more dangerous situation... (self punishment is a road I walked, it wasn't pretty)

 

I had to find a way to convince myself on a subconscious level that those negative statements were wrong... in fact, I still have a sentence that I have to say in my head at the beginning of my meditation to chase those thoughts away. It is almost my "Om" at this point. 

 

The little notes help me because I read them, and see my handwriting, and cannot help but think about what they say, and how it is true. "You are worthy" is a particular favorite, as is "You are strong mentally". 

 

It was a long dark road that got me to where I am today, a mostly confident mom who tries to love herself, and not let her sons see her doubts. It is hard, but worth the fight.

[stevembk]

My negativity is all social and career related. Being healthy and working out is so easy for me but the other stuff is my problem.

 

Ive gotten a little better but now i quiet down the negativity by thinking that what I am doing is ok, so I'm actually looking at things differently/indifferently instead of actually improving/being positive.

[CrisciMalosh]

I am terrified of starting school in just over 5 weeks... I am worried that they will see through the mask and see the mess that I truly am. I am struggling a lot with fears of not being able to pass my classes, that it will be too hard to jump back into the science after a 5 year hiatus... that I will fail my family.... I just have to prove myself wrong. I CAN do this. It ISN'T too hard. I WILL be able to pass my classes. (now if only I actually believed that)

[RisenPhoenix]

I really relate to the "imposter syndrome."

 

Oh good gods this.  I'm fairly certain that Grad school bludgeoned that into me.  Took a year-plus for me to shake the highest tiers of it off, and even now I feel like I'm a fraud in my professional life.  I've learned however that it's mostly a symptom of burn out at this point, and if I feel that way I should take time to myself to recharge.

 

I-Jo, the more I read your posts, the more I fucking admire you! You, dear lady, always say the right thing! Keep rocking!

 

+1.  But I feel like everyone should know this after reading one of her posts.  Or, as she said to Gaindalf's post.... "catch up already will you!!!"

[girljen]

I save compliments.

 

I have a journal on my computer.  Whenever I get a compliment, I write it down (or copy/paste if it's from email).  That way, when I'm not being kind to myself, I can read back and see things like "Nina said I'm a wonderful mom" and "Joe said that he loves working with me" and "Sue said I'm an amazing friend."

[Verlayla]

That's brilliant! I need to start doing that!! 

[opfor1015]

1.  I remember my favorite quote from Barney on How I Met Your Mother, "When I get sad, I stop being sad and be awesome instead!"

 

and

 

2. While ultra marathons are not our thing around here, I think we can all appreciate what The Oatmeal is talking about in this comic:  http://theoatmeal.com/comics/running

[girljen]

 

 

2. While ultra marathons are not our thing around here, I think we can all appreciate what The Oatmeal is talking about in this comic:  http://theoatmeal.com/comics/running

 

YES.   But instead of running from my problems, I pick them up and put them down again to show my mastery.

[I-Jo]

Yes, you do. You really do.

I've been working some crazy long hours - and work blocks NF!! - but I've been reading what everyone has said and learning a lot. It's good to know how not alone I am, as well as a the different strategies people have to deal with these thoughts.

I-Jo, if you are still reading along, I really enjoyed what you had to say - and thanks

yes my luv- I'm still here.

 

Any time you need someone to yell fabulous things at you- I got that shit covered.  It's friday night- put on some make up and your favorite dress go nowhere and go pour yourself a cocktail and rock out to WILD by Jessie J.

 

Kick ass honey.  don't bother taking names- that'll just slow you down

[Sambalina]

 

Kick ass honey.  don't bother taking names- that'll just slow you down

^^ new quote to live by!

[Huntress]

yes my luv- I'm still here.

 

Any time you need someone to yell fabulous things at you- I got that shit covered.  It's friday night- put on some make up and your favorite dress go nowhere and go pour yourself a cocktail and rock out to WILD by Jessie J.

 

Kick ass honey.  don't bother taking names- that'll just slow you down

 

Thanks a bunch lady Saturday night in Australia - I put on that dress and went to dinner with my boyfriend and then we caught up with my best girl for a movie after.

 

It's been a pretty good week self-esteem wise. I've been on the hunt for less shitty jobs and I finally got one... in my field, perfect location, tenure, and a higher salary. And I don't usually take measurements, but I did this week because my crazy brain was telling me I hadn't made any progress. Every morning my tape measure has told me I'm back down 26.5 inch waist, which was what I'd been hoping for.

 

Although it's good for self-esteem to come from within, sometimes a bit of external achievement does shut that whiny inner voice up

[Huntress]

For me, there is no amount of physical activity that would help get rid of those nasty thoughts... and it might even turn into a more dangerous situation... (self punishment is a road I walked, it wasn't pretty)

I'm the same. If I used working out as a means beat the negative thoughts out of me, it'd basically kill the love I've found for physical activity. And that'd be the saddest thing of all.

Everyone's different though. Some people respond well to the "toughen up sweet cheeks" treatment. Others need a bit more TLC to get them there. 

 

I am terrified of starting school in just over 5 weeks... I am worried that they will see through the mask and see the mess that I truly am. I am struggling a lot with fears of not being able to pass my classes, that it will be too hard to jump back into the science after a 5 year hiatus... that I will fail my family.... I just have to prove myself wrong. I CAN do this. It ISN'T too hard. I WILL be able to pass my classes. (now if only I actually believed that)

You can do it! Transitioning back into the classroom after a hiatus is tough, but it CAN be done. Your fellow classmates will likely have their own issues and fears that may not be visible to you - we're all human. You might have to work damn hard at first. It might take you a while to get there. You might cry once or twice. But hang in there. It can be done. And you WILL do it.

 

Oh good gods this.  I'm fairly certain that Grad school bludgeoned that into me.  Took a year-plus for me to shake the highest tiers of it off, and even now I feel like I'm a fraud in my professional life.  I've learned however that it's mostly a symptom of burn out at this point, and if I feel that way I should take time to myself to recharge.

I'm sorry to hear that. I remember reading that grad school is a known trigger for imposter syndrome. I can see why - I have several friends who are doing their phDs and each single one has developed depression during that time...

[Guzzi]

Thank God for this forum!!! It makes me feel so much better just knowing that other "normal" people are dealing with this sh*t too. It isn't just me. Lots of good advice.

I-Jo, LOVED your "I am freaking awesome", that's going to be my new mantra

[Misugrrl]

I've got really bad negative self talk. Much of it are things is never dare say to anyone out loud, because I don't want people to know how mean I can be to myself.

I combat it by reminding myself I survived a lot, and deserve to be healthy and happy and have love in my life. The terrible things I say to myself aren't real and aren't deserved.

Sent from tapatalk on my s3

[opfor1015]

The terrible things I say to myself aren't real and aren't deserved. 

 

Correct!  Call me crazy if you want, but I argue with myself when I start saying negative things to myself. 

[Huntress]

Correct!  Call me crazy if you want, but I argue with myself when I start saying negative things to myself. 

 

Naw. The only part that's crazy is the negative voice that says all those nasty things to the real you

[I-Jo]

Thank God for this forum!!! It makes me feel so much better just knowing that other "normal" people are dealing with this sh*t too. It isn't just me. Lots of good advice.

I-Jo, LOVED your "I am freaking awesome", that's going to be my new mantra

go for it... I heartily endorse that mantra and sharing it with others.  

 

I'm not sure why but our culture has this weird flip floppy thing- "everyone's a special snowflake" VS the " we all suck at everything thing"

 

There is a dicotomy that doesn't allow us to be awesome- it's somehow shameful to be good at something- or revele in your own excellence.  I'm not  saying you have to throw it in people's faces that you are the best at X, Y and Z- but I refuse to admit I'm less than awesome- because- well I am.  Sometimes I want to tell people who think otherwise- if you were less concerned with being whatever its you think you are trying to be- you could be awesome right along with me!!!

 

So let your awesome out- rock that shit like it's going out of style (I mean- being awesome never goes out of style- but pretend that it is- so you rock it harder!!!)

 

 

and I'm apologizing now- it's 11 AM and I have not a single drop of coffee.  no really- this is problem. LOL  it's like my awesome juice LOL

[CrisciMalosh]

Oh dear, no coffee? I'm sorry... =/

[I-Jo]

Izokay we fixed it and I drank too tiny pots single handedly! And proceeded to go about my day being awesome.