Neophyte Assassin needs advice!

[BucketHeadWendy]

First off, let me preface by saying that writing about myself makes me feel beyond awkward, so if I come across as the kind of creepy person who stares at you blankly in public and has a collection of shrunken heads, my apologies. You've been warned. 

 

In real life, my name is Angie. I'm an English and volcab. nerd who likes using words like 'neophyte.' I am an ex chef, a food lover, and an adventurer. I enjoy shooting my friends with high powered projectiles made of paint, football, gaming and crushing my enemies. (And hearing the lamentations of their women!)  I'm a new parent, and have both a three month old and a twelve year old, so insanity is probably immanent. My body has kind of given me the middle finger since I've hit my thirties, so something has got to change before my kids become orphans and I get to experience the joys of the afterlife. It's interesting, I'm sure, with all the haunting and chain rattling, but not without it's downsides; namely, the whole being dead thing. So yeah, time to get busy!

 

I'm working on converting to paleo, or a reasonable facsimile thereof. I'm building up some strength via body weight exercises, increasing my cardio capacity via Zombies, Run! and Chasing My Dog, which isn't a mainstream workout program, but is highly recommended if, well, you have dogs. As it stands, my dog is a much bigger fitness badass than myself, which I find depressing. It also makes our games of Chase the Dog a sad, sad public spectacle. Nobody should have to be publicly humiliated by their Siberian Husky. 

 

I am on a quest to become the greatest parkour traceur of all time...or, failing that, at least a passable one who doesn't break anything/ look like a drunken clown. I've read the resources here, and it's a great start. I was hoping for any info you guys might have that might help me along? Anything on developing my long jump/grip/general badassery? I'll take anything ya got!!! 

 

Thanks for reading this, and anything you might be able to send my way >_<