Advice on workplace issue

[humanperson832]

Hey guys. I need to get some input on this situation that's been on my mind, but I'm not really sure who to talk to about it, and I've always gotten great advice here.

 

I work in an office suite that is shared with both my department and another department within the same company. On my first day, there was a guy (Guy #1) who walked by, noticed I was new, and introduced himself to both me and the guy whose desk is next to mine (Guy #2). Guy #1 doesn't work in my department, nor do we ever work together in any capacity, but I guess my desk/area is on the way to his desk (either that, or he's going out of his way to walk by my desk, which I wouldn't put past him).

 

It started off innocently enough - every once in a while, he would pass by and say hello. More often than not, Guy #2 was also sitting at his desk, so it was like a group interaction kind of thing, which I was fine with. I've been there about 6 weeks now, and the interactions have gone up to 3x/day (whereas he used to only stop by once every few days).

 

I can't really put my finger on why I'm creeped out by the frequency of his talking to me, but I am. He never is inappropriate or unbecoming, but I can tell he's trying to very subtly flirt with me and get to know me within the confines of work: commenting on my "funky fashion sense," coming by to explain something he just found in his work (that only had marginal relevance to my work), asking if "I do web stuff" and what I'm working on (I work within the CMS to manage the content on pages, he's a web developer for a different department), asking me what I'm listening to on my headphones...

 

It's not something I can go to HR or my manager with, because, like I said, on the surface, he's just making conversation, albeit conversation that is usually made when guys are working up to the point where they ask me out.

 

This is also why I feel like I can't say anything to him directly. It's not like the next time he comes by, I can say, "Hey, you stop by an awful lot. Could you... not?" I think he feels he has license to stop by so often because Guy #1 and Guy #2 connected based on the fact that they went to the same college. I'm fine kind of letting Guy #2 (or even our other co-worker who sits in the same area) take the conversation reins when Guy #1 stops by, but sometimes they're both in meetings and it's just me in that little corner.

 

Maybe I'm reading too deeply into it, but I also trust my instinct - it's never steered me wrong when it's been trying to keep me away from guys who just give me an uneasy feeling. It's gotten to the point where it's something I worry/stress out about even when I'm not at work, which is VERY unusual for me. I never even think about work when I'm not there, but this has changed with the increase of attention from Guy #1.

 

So, TL;DR: A guy at work is stopping by my desk a LOT more than he used to and I'm not sure how to tell him to stop. And before someone asks: I've never given him even the slightest indication that I'm romantically interested in him. I don't date people I work with. I never have, and I don't intend on starting anytime soon. My interactions with male co-workers are something I'm painfully conscious of because I've dealt with sexual harassment at work (had to quit a previous job because of it). So, folks, any advice?

[Errah138]

Cold shoulder him. It's the only way. Say nothing more then hello and I'm really busy sorry

[El Exorcisto]

It's not the delicate womanly answer you're looking for, but just tell the guy to fuck off. Tell him you have shit to do, and making small talk with him is not on your short list. The problem will be solved, forever. Anything short of being straight-to-the-point with him will just seem ambiguous and get ignored. A dude with a hardon doesn't respond to subtle.

[Evicious]

Agreed. Be upfront and honest with him next time he stops by - oh, and use the exact words you've used to describe your feelings about it to us: "I'm sorry, but I'm not comfortable talking to you. Nothing personal, but you coming by all the time like this just feels creepy to me. I'd appreciate it if you'd not talk to me anymore. Thanks." Then put your headphones back in and go back to working. Keep in mind, you need to say all this politely and firmly. You're drawing a line in the sand, not crossing one.

 

Be prepared for him to not like it. In fact, I'd recommend you give your first-line supervisor a heads-up prior to doing it, so they can assist you in mitigating any unprofessional reaction(s) he may have. Expect some name calling to take place, either behind your back or possibly to your face.

 

That being said, also be ready for him to try to explain himself, either honestly or as a way to try to regain some of his pride. If he is interested in you, he's going to feel some humiliation about your reaction to him (it's a human thing). So if he starts up with the whole, "Whoa, I don't like you..." or "Hang on a second, I didn't mean to give the impression that I _____" just know that doesn't mean you're wrong to set your boundaries where you're comfortable with him. Stare politely and wait for him to finish; he'll either walk away or wait for you response, in which case you simply reiterate your original statement, "Ok, I understand. I still don't want to interact with you this much. Thank you."

 

Don't engage him at point after that, ever, or you're setting yourself up for a whole season of workplace drama. If he gives you a good morning or "What's up?" in the break room, you can still return the greeting (just say Hey in response to the What's up? - don't let it start a conversation) but don't actually talk to him.

[wildross]

Agreed. Be upfront and honest with him next time he stops by - oh, and use the exact words you've used to describe your feelings about it to us: "I'm sorry, but I'm not comfortable talking to you. Nothing personal, but you coming by all the time like this just feels creepy to me. I'd appreciate it if you'd not talk to me anymore. Thanks." Then put your headphones back in and go back to working. Keep in mind, you need to say all this politely and firmly. You're drawing a line in the sand, not crossing one.

 

Be prepared for him to not like it. In fact, I'd recommend you give your first-line supervisor a heads-up prior to doing it, so they can assist you in mitigating any unprofessional reaction(s) he may have. Expect some name calling to take place, either behind your back or possibly to your face.

 

That being said, also be ready for him to try to explain himself, either honestly or as a way to try to regain some of his pride. If he is interested in you, he's going to feel some humiliation about your reaction to him (it's a human thing). So if he starts up with the whole, "Whoa, I don't like you..." or "Hang on a second, I didn't mean to give the impression that I _____" just know that doesn't mean you're wrong to set your boundaries where you're comfortable with him. Stare politely and wait for him to finish; he'll either walk away or wait for you response, in which case you simply reiterate your original statement, "Ok, I understand. I still don't want to interact with you this much. Thank you."

 

Don't engage him at point after that, ever, or you're setting yourself up for a whole season of workplace drama. If he gives you a good morning or "What's up?" in the break room, you can still return the greeting (just say Hey in response to the What's up? - don't let it start a conversation) but don't actually talk to him.

All of this, particularly the part about mentioning it to a supervisor.  It's always better when bosses don't get surprised.

[prefect42]

I'm sorry that you're dealing with this. I agree with the others about being firm and direct, but I think it needs to be couched in terms of work, not creepiness. "You stopping by a few times a week is very distracting and I need to focus on my work. I can't have visitors dropping by.," etc.

 

There's a great workplace/HR blog that I read called Ask A Manager. She often fields questions like these, and has great advice. Here's an example: http://www.askamanager.org/2011/01/office-security-guard-wont-leave-me-alone.html.

 

ETA: don't know why but the rest of this got cut off:

 

You'll see the person who wrote in on that post mentions a book called The Gift of Fear, which is basically about how learning to trust your intuition can help you avoid dangerous situations.  I'm not saying that's the case with your coworker at all, but mention it only to say that you're 100% right to trust your gut.

 

Good luck, and let us know how it goes.

[I-Jo]

Tell him you are awfully busy and really can't be bothered with chit chat.

 

also wear headphones- doesn't matter if they aren't on... or you have no music (great for eaves dropping)... but once you have them on- you can pretend to ignore almost anyone as long as they aren't looking directly at you and you are looking directly at them.

 

 

I have a guy who does that to me at my job- he actually is just bored- but he is annoying- I once timed a conversation in which I did NO talking other than an MMhmmm or "sure".... nothing else.... 28 minutes he sat there and talked to me.

 

I think after that day he started to get the picture- one word- short answers- don't talk- just continue working and don't look at him and be kind of cold shoulder rude.

 

AFTER that- if it doesn't work- I tend to let a boss know... then go on with the "hey buddy I really don't want you sniffing around my desk LOL"

I try the cold shoulder shit first- it's easier takes only a few days of your time and doesn't result in a full on confrontation.   

[MissMormie]

A lot of good advice given already. The one thing I'd like to repeat is that it's very important to talk about how it affects you. How you feel. Don't say anything like "you are creepy" Say "to me it feels creepy when you do this'. That way it doesn't come over as an insult as much but as an expression of how you feel. 

 

I would not notify your boss about this unless you really feel it's necessary. Like you said, he's done nothing wrong. When he/guy 1 comes by (and guy 2 is there) just get up from your desk and ask to talk to him privately (ie, 2 steps from your doorway). Then talk to him. If something happens (unlikely) you're not alone. 

[humanperson832]

Scores of excellent advice, just as I predicted! Thanks, all.

 

After consulting with Ask A Manager (I love that blog! It was the first place I went when thinking about this today, then posting here), you guys, and my best friend, I think I've decided how I'm going to handle it. My two co-workers who work in the same area as me are aware of what's going on, because they've witnessed multiple instances of him coming to visit, and even commented on it (albeit in a light, joking kind of way). So, people other than me and Mr. Persistent Pants are aware of the situation. I think the next time he comes by to talk to me about nothing, I'm going to say something to the effect of, "Hey, _______, you've been stopping by several times a day, and it's really hard for me to focus on my work when I'm getting distracted so often. Once I break my concentration, it takes me a while to get back into it, and I'm in the middle of a really big project right now (which I am, not a lie). I'd appreciate it if you kept your visits to a minimum. Thanks." With any luck, that'll be the last of it. But if it continues, I'm going to my manager and letting her know what's happening, and how to involve HR. I'm going to start noting his visits, the time, what he says, if my other co-workers are there, etc. so that I have a record.

 

Also, I totally bought the Kindle version of The Gift of Fear and am already on chapter 2. I'm not letting myself read any more of it today until I get some work done.

[Errah138]

Is "the gift of fear" a long book? Need a book to read but don't want to waste money on a book I will finish to quickly I'm on a book budget so I like to get really long books to make it last

[humanperson832]

It's about 350-ish pages. But I know I'll fly through it.

[Errah138]

I just re-read this thread real quick and the biggest thing that sticks out to me is how do you guys even find time to have problems at work like this? I work 70hrs a week and barely have time to eat lunch. I'm lucky if I say 30 words a day to someone and since I'm the foreman this is usually directing my employees. The though of someone having enough time to wander around and and talk to girls blows my mind and if he worked for me he would be out the door so fast he wouldn't even have time to collect his clever cubicle decorations. With all this in mind I can't decide if I got Into the right profession or the wrong profession.

Sorry about all that end rant

[humanperson832]

So, either the universe conspired to send pretty strong SCREW OFF vibes to this guy, or constantly wearing my headphones worked - but he's backed off. In a manner of speaking. He still says hi when he passes by, but he doesn't linger and make small talk anymore (not with me, anyway). I'm waiting for him to get my attention and ask me something meaningless about what I'm wearing or what music I'm listening to, at which point, I will explain to him that I'm under a lot of pressure and I can't stop to chat 3 times a day.

 

It hasn't happened since I posted here, so clearly something has changed. Hopefully this is the last of it, right? Thanks everyone!

[prefect42]

Awesome. Glad to hear it! Hopefully you won't have to use your prepared statement, but at least you have it at the ready.

[I-Jo]

was going to ask- headphones are usually a BIG deterrent.

I find PURPOSEFULLY ignoring people while wearing headphones sends (for some reason) a very clear message.  It's amusing. 

 

But good- hopefully this trend keeps up!