My story, how I came to be me!

[SpeedRacer]

Hello.

I wasn't terribly sure whether or not I should tell you all what's brought me here. I mean, the important thing is the future rather than the past. But still, I thought it would help myself by understanding where I'm bench marking from. As well as having the dual effect of letting you guys know more about me. It's not particularly unique or interesting I think, but it's what made me and it's what I own.

So who am I? A nerd! Seriously I was /BORN/ nerdy. My father had an Amiga Commodore with hundreds of games which I played endlessly. I experienced video games' history and I was always enamored with the sounds and sights and interactability of the entertainment. I could quote old 80's games I played for ages, I played Star Control 2 and King's Quest 4 when they were new. I had a Sierra hint book. The Loom audiobook. I sent my high score off to the hall of heroes in Might and Magic 5.

I grew older, my interests expanded from video games. Like children's card games, anime, wargaming, Dnd, creative fiction, mathematics, puzzles and board gaming. Yep. Nerdy in highschool as well.

I had an acne problem and a low self esteem. As many kids do. Looking back I think I was looking for direction, I often wondered to myself, "If my future me could come back into the past and tell me something, what would it be?" I have the answer I think, but I won't spoil it until the end. Without meaning to sound like I'm complaining, I was always the last one picked for the team. I couldn't shoot a hoop, kick a goal, catch a ball or run very far OR very fast. /Everybody/ was better than me. I chilled with the other nerds and the car nuts for my time.

It was when I was 14 I discovered bodybuilding. It was like a new world. People were f'ing /SUPERheroes/. I remember smiling and reading through bodybuilding.com and thinking to myself 'this is what I want to be...' With my allowance I bought an inclined ab bench and a single adjustable dumbbell with some weights added later. Unfortunately this isn't the 'success' part of my story. The other kids found out and teased me tragically and I stopped doing it. So my weights gathered dust. I always had it in the back of my mind I'd pick them up again once I got fat...

School inevitably finished and those of us who desired to went to uni (as we call it in Australia ). Again without meaning to complain, my father and brother both drilled into me between 14 and 18 that my genetics are drilled into me. Irreversible things which say that I'm going to one day be fat (like them) and that I'll be a lot happier if I just accept it. I did my bachelors and met a wonderful woman who I'd spend the next 5 years of my life with.

During this time I found out about the magical world of MMO's.

Now I really /DONT/ want to complain. I had fun. I had a BLAST. I had more fun playing Warcraft and Guild Wars than I can even describe. Most of my social circle drifted away, my relationship with my girlfriend got a little strained at one point, my studies suffered. But you know what? Somehow I kept it together.

I got a bachelors degree in Mathematics, with a part time job direct selling computers door to door, I kept about 5 close friends, my girlfriend and levelled 2 characters to 80. Booyeah. I was one BAMF.

By this point, I was closer than ever to realising my dream, to follow in my father's footsteps and become an academic. I mean, I'd wanted to do this ever since I was 5. "I want to be a professor!" I remember micro-nerd me telling the whole class of firemen and policemen and singer wannabees that. I was also following his waistline... though slowly. I ate a BLOCK of chocolate some nights, and sausage rolls, pies, whatever the hell I wanted. With my acne gone I loved my body, I used to proudly poke out my paunch and point at it to my girlfriend, going "Yeah! My paunch! It's the best!"

So I continued on my way. Why change a winning formula? This was the happiest time of my life. And then it fell apart.

In Australia we have an honours year before launching into post grad studies. My crash and burn happened during. Six months in, literature review was due. I remember crying. Balling and thrashing like a two-year old. I didn't get it. Literally I didn't understand my math. I had this primal, deep fear that one day I'd hit the ceiling of my ability and it was here! I. Couldn't. Do. It. Suddenly my dream was distant and out of reach.

It frustrated me, I lashed out at everyone. I blamed Wow, my supervisor, my brother, my father, my mother. It was the worst time of my life, and I started to wonder, that it wouldn't be so bad if I killed myself. I mean, I'd had a good run, lived young, had fun, gotten a degree, better to be a brilliant undergrad than a sucky academic... I was at the top of the library building looking down.

I called my girlfriend. We sorted it out. I was going crazy. It was such a violent, tantrum-like reaction to failure. I couldn't stand something, something in my life. I took a month off and switched to part-time honours study to get my head sorted out. It was when I was reading a dnd book, drunk on scotch, that I realised what was wrong with who I was. Why I wasn't happy.

I was a kid.

I was 22. I had a car, a girlfriend, I'd had jobs. But I was just a little kid playing with toys and videogames. I was failing because for the first time I had to work. I had to put that before videogames. I remember gritting my teeth. I attacked the honours thesis with gusto. By God I was going to get honours. This was my epic boss, the text I had was my sword, and I was in my dungeon (my office was underground). I wrote a page of math a day. This was my time, I'd always said "When the math gets hard I'll work." Well it was hard. Fucking hard. And I got 98% for that thesis with first class honours.

I went on to PhD (and scholarship! Goodbye crappy job!) as soon as I could. My office was the 6th floor. I had office mates but they weren't exactly in my field or very helpful for me. I took a bit to rest on my laurels. Again. I had everything I wanted. By this stage life was starting to catch up on me, Mum wanted me to move out (she insisted I stayed at home during bachelors) I was getting fatter (I still didn't care). I still can't say I really "Got" the math I was doing. PhD wasn't the same as honours, this was new, original research, it was a whole different ballpark to merely understanding.

I stayed with mum and started paying board. It was just about when Nerdfitness was starting up that I was hitting my next rock bottom. It all happened again. Things I didn't think were important at the time were affecting me in these tiny little ways. I cared more about my computer games than I did my work. This time I didn't hold the pieces together. My relationship with my girlfriend fell apart. My supervisor fired me. My mother kicked me out (ended up living with my wow friend). I'd failed PhD, I'd failed my girlfriend, I'd failed my father... I'd failed everyone. Game over.

What happened next was a series of months in 2010 I'd rather forget. I was over it by September. I had a plan. I concluded again that distraction was the main cause of my failure. Distraction and immaturity. I could list a thousand things I was doing wrong. It was like an epiphany to me, that I was responsible for my own life. It was an epiphany, that Schwarzenegger (one of my heroes) didn't whinge and bitch when he had to lift weights, he was responsible for every weight he lifted. Every decision he made. So I made one too, when I was 24, I wasn't going to be a kid anymore!

I learned to cook. I learned what I liked and didn't like. I tried new things. I changed my wardrobe, got into wearing nice clothes. I pursued a field I wanted to work in. I scraped and begged an expert in that field to take me as his PhD student despite failing and falling out with my old supervisor. Said old supervisor said I couldn't do it and I'd fail again, I didn't care. I moved state. I started dating again (good god is that a nightmare... but that's a different, much funnier story) But the thing I did that I'm really proud of? Ever since my life fell apart. Ever since my epiphany. I've been into fitness.

My lifestyle's been turning around. Over the last year I haven't touched a block of chocolate (Maybe some kit kats, marshmallows and tim tams, but only for special treats or super depression). I've gone from a keyboard warrior to a 5-6 day gym rat.

I'm... happy.

It's like the experience shook me. Made me grow up. Made me see work as work. Made me take the blows instead of throwing a tantrum every time something sucks or is hard. Now I fit my nerdtastic interests around PhD instead of fitting PhD around being a nerd. It took a while, you can bet your buttons. But this is it, I'm growing into doing the best I can do. I don't care if I fail knowing that. If I could go back in time, I wouldn't say a damn thing. Maybe, "Harden up."

So I hope I'll be able to reduce my fat from "Incredible blob" levels to super hero. I'm determined to come out of this three year stint in Niffleheim (Canberra's cold ) with either a PhD in Math or a fit body (pref both).

[Drakenator]

Thanks for sharing! I know a lot of guys who should read your story as they are still in the realm of scheduling work around their gaming rather than the opposite.

The part I liked best was this.

"If my future me could come back into the past and tell me something, what would it be?"

I often ask myself this question. Sometimes the answer is simply nothing. And other times much more lengthy.

Congratulations on making it to the next level in your life!

[SpeedRacer]

Thank you very much.

A lot of people I found would rather blame gaming for being "too fun" rather than taking the responsibility on their own shoulders.

[AndrewNalepa]

It seems like you've grown up a lot, brother, for the better. Congratulations. Glad to have you aboard the rebellion.

[Kaze]

Welcome aboard rebel! It's good to see that there are people out there realizing that they are responsible for their lives. Good luck with your goals!

[Crooked]

It's awesome to see that you're taking responsibility and figuring out your priorities. I'm glad you decided to share your story. Welcome!

[SpeedRacer]

Thanks everyone for your support.

These forum threads are my new go-to for internet meandering (or whenever I feel like snacking on something that's not fruit). I'll be posting a battle log for sure, my fitness goals feel pretty up there.

[Loren Wade]

Welcome to the Rebellion!

[67alecto]

Welcome to the Rebellion. It takes a lot to be able to examine yourself in that detail and recognize the excuses you have made. You're well on your way to success.

I played Star Control 2 and King's Quest 4 when they were new. I had a Sierra hint book. The Loom audiobook. I sent my high score off to the hall of heroes in Might and Magic 5.

I still have Star Control 2 on CD-ROM, the original SSI Gold Box Series beginning with Pool of Radiance (still in the boxes...with a mix of 3.5 and 5.25" floppies), Bard's Tale, and so on.

[67alecto]

Welcome to the Rebellion. It takes a lot to be able to examine yourself in that detail and recognize the excuses you have made. You're well on your way to success.

I still have Star Control 2 on CD-ROM, the original SSI Gold Box Series beginning with Pool of Radiance (still in the boxes...with a mix of 3.5 and 5.25" floppies), Bard's Tale, and so on.

I just had a flashback to college. I was playing Star Control 2 and had a friend visiting. I let them play a new game while I was at class. I came back in to ask how it was going and asked something like "Have you talked to that guy on Pluto yet?" and my roommate totally lost it as he only heard my comment from across the room. He ragged on me for a couple of weeks witht hat.

[Bear Walken]

I find myself reading passages from Ayn Rand's The Fountainhead when my life lapses into those "everything's crashing around me" phases. But best of luck in your endeavors, sir.

[SpeedRacer]

67alecto: That's all kinds of awesome. I really lol'd seeing the anecdote play out in my head. I used to be scared of the black Ur-Quans when I was little.

I might pick it up Bear, I've heard mixed "She's awesome" and "She sucks" about Ayn Rand, but I've been meaning to get more into reading.

[Crooked]

Ayn Rand is an interesting read. Definitely worth looking into. I would recommend The Fountainhead over Atlas Shrugged, which I could never get through. I've gone through both "she's awesome" and "she sucks" phases with her, and now I'm somewhere in the middle. My opinion (please others don't get mad if you disagree - Rand is polarizing!): She's not a great writer, but she's a good story-teller, and her ideology seems initially really compelling but is ultimately flawed.