Rebel in Need of Help! (Relationship Advice)

[smedly]

Hey there, not sure what category to post this in but I just need to figure this out. This may be confusing and feel free to clarify stuff but here's my problem.

I dated this girl in high school for a year and half and then we broke up at the end of senior year. Then we hooked up on and off during the summer but we were still having the same issues with arguing and such. We still really liked each other but couldn't figure out how to make this work. This girl put me through a lot of crap during this time and said she'd make it up to me and that I was the only guy she was interested in. Well last week she told me she likes someone else and that we should just be friends. THERE IS NO WAY WE CAN JUST BE FRIENDS. We tried to make it work but that also failed. Now she had just cut me off and I just cant get myself to be happy. I would be perfectly fine if we had ended on good terms but this just feels so wrong and nothing I try can distract me. Going to the gym doesn't help, talking to friends, video games, nothing works!!! This is really messing with me and I need help. Please any advice would be great. I know the summary doesnt make much sense because there is so much more to it but the last part is what is most important.

[1fever]

Find a way to confront her and tell her this story...meaning tell her it doesn't feel like it ended right and you need closure. If you are still friends then you must still talk. If she disagrees and cut you off then you don't need to be friends and time heals all wounds, you are better off without her, etc., etc.

[kahn265]

Well, here are the things I can tell you from my experience...

Regarding "we should just be friends" - yeah, just ignore that. I put that out there with "Like a Brother" and "you are such a nice guy". My divorce was amicable, but I don't ever speak to my ex (who left me for someone else) unless I have to. She may not hate you, but she doesn't want you to hate her. Give her space and move on. There are more women in the world than there are men.

As to dealing with the emotions... Yes it sucks, Yes it hurts, Yes it consumes you for a while. There is nothing you can do but give it time and work through the emotions. It WILL get better. There are much worse things that could happen in your life. Eventually you just need to put it behind you - and no that isn't easy either.

In short, you are dealing with something that everyone has to learn to deal with in life. It seems like the end of the world, it isn't. It will be hard, but it will be something you will get through. IT WILL GET BETTER. You just keep pushing on with life.

*EDIT*

And yes, I agree with the above - you will need to find closure. However, in all honesty, I wouldn't go to her unless I was forced to. I suspect she will be antagonistic toward you should you try to speak to her. It will make it worse.

[67alecto]

You were a safety net. Unfortunately, there's no way you can maintain a relationship with a person who treats you as a backup plan.

[Kain]

Above me is some great advice from nerds who have been through the same thing as you have.

With that said, without knowing your situation I am going to assume a few things. I am guessing that you bent over backwards a lot for the relationship to work. You have to re-gain confidence and realize that there are plenty of women or girls, whichever you are interested in. It might take some time before you can "be with someone" again, but honestly, that is better. I don't know if it has always been this way, but these days it is as if people can't handle being single.

And, all the time you spend "trying not to think of her" you are actually thinking of her. Grab life by the cajones and start doing stuff for yourself instead.

It's a nerd's world now and you will have your choice of the right ladies. Trust me.

[mpbstereo]

I won't add anything to this that hasn't already said, but I will share the two biggest and most important pieces of advice I can ever give another person when it comes to this, it helped me out a great deal in recovering (well, almost fully recovered) from a very traumatizing breakup.

1) Don't wish. Ban the word from your vocabulary. Makes you fixate on what you can't change if you have no control over it, and sells short your ability to change something if you do have control over it. I used to catch myself saying "yeah, but..." or "i just wish that..." over and over again when dealing with my breakup.

2) Your life was fine before her. Your life will be fine after her. Even if it doesn't feel like it right now, you gotta have faith that this pain you're feeling right now serves a greater purpose than just making you feel like shit right now, and it's ok to not know what that purpose is right now.

Hang in there. The most important relationship in your life needs to be the one you have with yourself right now.

[Kristen]

You were a safety net. Unfortunately, there's no way you can maintain a relationship with a person who treats you as a backup plan.

+1

I have been on both sides of this situation. No, you can't be friends. And you shouldn't try to date her again, either. She may tell you not to leave, she cares about you, blah blah blah, but her actions don't show that. You're better off living for yourself. All of the advice here is good--follow it!

It sucks now, but it will get better. Tomorrow, go do something you like.

[smedly]

Thank you all so much. Right now I'm just going to erase her from my life for the rest of the summer. Since we are going to the same small college this fall with the same major I'll just put on a smile and be friendly to her if I see her and nothing else. She already is dating some 23 year old guy and she's 18 so that didnt help things out but reading these did. I'll keep you posted if anything else happens but right now i'm going back to focusing on improving my life.

[smedly]

I told her all that and she said the usual sorries and crap but then kept making me unhappier so now i'm just pulling the plug on her and moving on with my life. I don't get how people can be as screwed up as her but i guess they are just a bunch of selfish people out there.

[67alecto]

I told her all that and she said the usual sorries and crap but then kept making me unhappier so now i'm just pulling the plug on her and moving on with my life. I don't get how people can be as screwed up as her but i guess they are just a bunch of selfish people out there.

If you get tempted, just listen to this song:

http-~~-//www.youtube.com/watch?v=eeWjzBHUdsI

[mpbstereo]

I told her all that and she said the usual sorries and crap but then kept making me unhappier so now i'm just pulling the plug on her and moving on with my life. I don't get how people can be as screwed up as her but i guess they are just a bunch of selfish people out there.

Homey, in my experience, the best thing you can do is just that, let her go. And if you see her around campus or in class, pay no attention, be a gentleman if you have to interact with her, but indifference helps you move on more than trying to put on a brave facade.

If it was meant to be, she'll come back. If it wasn't, you've learned how to be a kick ass guy without her. It's a win win situation, and that confidence attracts plenty of other girls.

[Guest Cannibal LOLocaust]

If you're consistently unable to get along with somebody, tell them to kick rocks.

If it's a gorgeous woman who keeps leading you on and causing you trouble, sack up and ditch her anyway.

Maybe they'll learn something from it.

[smedly]

I love that song. I've found "I Will Not Bow" by Breaking Benjamin also helps.

[mpbstereo]

I love that song. I've found "I Will Not Bow" by Breaking Benjamin also helps.

For me, the one song that I related to the most when dealing with the demons brought on by my breakup was "Do Me A Favour" by Arctic Monkeys, don't know if that's your speed or not.

T'was quite serendipitous, actually, a few months ago (almost a year after we broke up, she was well into a relationship with her current bf, which was really the source of my troubles, but that's a story for another day), I ran into her in the most random of places, I was already in my car backing out, while she was waving at me. That song came on my iPod on shuffle as I was silently cursing in my own head, forcing a smile.

"to tear apart the ties that bind, perhaps fuck off might be too kind..."

http-~~-//www.youtube.com/watch?v=HzpoAmlbkOw

best lyrical portrait of a detoriorating relationship i've ever heard.