how to get my roommate healthier?

[jenlady]

i have some new roomies this year that are pretty unhealthy. especially one of the girls, lets say her name is Sarah.

 

Sarah is a full time student like i am and also works many hours at a tea shop. however when she's not busy with school or work shes skyping her boyfriend, whom she's never even met before, apparently hes from her hometown but she's never met him. and she spends hours cooped up in her room talking to him. i feel bad because so much of a relationship to me is the physical aspect, but idk.

 

anywho, not only does she not really ever exercise she also buys doughnuts on a regular basis, candy, lots and lots of sugar coffee drinks, she seems about 30-40 pounds overweight. she said she has a thyroid problem, but she never does anything about it and doesn't want to deal with having to get medication. if i had a problem like that i could try and get medication to regulate it right away! also she said she never sleeps at night, or hardly ever..

 

i'm not trying to pass judgments but i feel like she is abusing herself mentally and physically. she is a nice, warm, sweet person and i want the best for her. i want her to be active and feel good about herself and get a boyfriend in real life that can hold her and make her feel better. i ask her to come to my yoga classes sometimes, but she never wants to. so i don't really know how to help her. what should i do?

[bigm141414]

You can't. Period. Full stop. If she hasn't realised what she is doing is wrong nothing you say will help. 

 

All you can do is be a good example. Trying to force someone into a healthier and more active lifestyle will just create resentment. 

[Duality]

I agree totally with bigm, I've been in a similiar situation, all you can do is make sure she knows that if ever she wants help, you're there for her. She has to make the decision about a lifestyle change.

[AnnleaArtsy]

Honestly...nothing. I agree that you can't. Best you can do is be a role model (if she is looking for that) and if she comes to you for advice then give it. The most important thing about fitness is the person has to want it on their own terms.

[cobaltflash]

You can't. Period. Full stop. If she hasn't realised what she is doing is wrong nothing you say will help. 

 

All you can do is be a good example. Trying to force someone into a healthier and more active lifestyle will just create resentment. 

this right here is spot on there is nothing you can do about it only if they make the first move can you try to assist them. And as an asexual i can tell you that its mean to say that relationship have to be physical to be real as many people have relationships that are not physical but they're still real relationships with real feelings so its not nice to disregard those relationships and the feelings that come with them. 

[jenlady]

i never said her relationship is not real because it's not physical. of course its real

just, she is not asexual,

 

and i'm wondering if she felt better about herself, maybe she would be more apt to find a relationship with someone shes met in real life and can be with her physically/emotionally

 

 

 

and thanks everyone else, i guess i'll just continue to do what i'm doing (which is basically nothing)

[AlexCold]

I agree that it will likely end bad if you try to tell her you're worried about her health, but I also think you can't just do nothing. If I were you, I would invite to every yoga or fun fitness event I would do. Maybe suggest going to a "community" sporting event like dodgeball. Eventually she will go, or not. 

[matty_mcfly]

I would agree with most the people who have already commented.  She has to want to change and become healthier.  Pushing too hard will likely come off as pity or having a holier than thou type attitude which will likely make her less willing to listen to anything you have to say.

 

Also, you made a comment about her feeling better about herself. You obviously know her better than any of us do, but does she actually seem like she's unhappy with her life?  Or are you defining what her happiness should look like?  She may find a lot of joy in the way she lives her life, yes she does seem very unhealthy but thats not necessarily unhappy.

[timelovesahero]

See if there is an exercise she enjoys doing and do it with her.  I wanted my girlfriend to start exercising more.  I figured out what workouts she had enjoyed doing in the past.  Turned out to be walking (which I am always up for) and yoga (which I never had any desire to try).  So I asked her to start going on walks with me and doing yoga with me and now we do both a few times a week. (turns out yoga is really enjoyable too so that was an added bonus)

[Zorch]

You can't. Period. Full stop. If she hasn't realised what she is doing is wrong nothing you say will help. 

 

All you can do is be a good example. Trying to force someone into a healthier and more active lifestyle will just create resentment. 

 

You can't force someone to change, but you can make it easier/remove the obstacles for them to help themselves.  Don't apply pressure - just set a good example and be ready to help if she expresses interest/decides she does want to change.

[I-Jo]

judgey mcjudgerson

 

you are very fully of judgey.

 

You say you aren't- but that whole post is precisely that.  Which is fine- but just don't say it's not.

 

Past that- there isn't a damn thing you can do about her and her fake boyfriend and her shitty eating habits.  You aren't her mom- you are grown ass adults.

 

My roommate is an alcoholic smoker with the worst life habits I've ever seen. he's so lazy he left the mop and bucket right next to the sink after I harped on him to clean up his nasty ass dogs mess in the kitchen.  He left it for 5 days before MY boyfriend clean it up (only so he could mop again)

I actually kind of hate him about this point- and yes I judge away. I cook- if he wants to eat it- he eats it- but if not he eats what he wants. that's how roommates work.   Just worry about you and not about her- you wont' change her. 

[Evicious]

i have some new roomies this year that are pretty unhealthy. especially one of the girls, lets say her name is Sarah.

 

Sarah is a full time student like i am and also works many hours at a tea shop. however when she's not busy with school or work shes skyping her boyfriend, whom she's never even met before, apparently hes from her hometown but she's never met him. and she spends hours cooped up in her room talking to him. i feel bad because so much of a relationship to me is the physical aspect, but idk.

 

anywho, not only does she not really ever exercise she also buys doughnuts on a regular basis, candy, lots and lots of sugar coffee drinks, she seems about 30-40 pounds overweight. she said she has a thyroid problem, but she never does anything about it and doesn't want to deal with having to get medication. if i had a problem like that i could try and get medication to regulate it right away! also she said she never sleeps at night, or hardly ever..

 

i'm not trying to pass judgments but i feel like she is abusing herself mentally and physically. she is a nice, warm, sweet person and i want the best for her. i want her to be active and feel good about herself and get a boyfriend in real life that can hold her and make her feel better. i ask her to come to my yoga classes sometimes, but she never wants to. so i don't really know how to help her. what should i do?

 

The bits you wrote that I bolded and colored are what you can focus on. And yes, just like everyone has said, that does mean not pressuring her to do the things that make you happy (eating cleanly, working out, etc.) So what are some things you can do to increase her self-esteem? 

 

Help her realize that she's an awesome person with tons of potential.

 

Compliment her, not just on looks (makeup, fashion, physical features) but on the things in life that she's doing that are helping her become awesome in the first place: is she punctual to classes and work? Is she a positive, upbeat kind of person in the face of a rough day? Is she kindhearted and empathetic? Something about her makes you want the best for her, and if you think she's "abusing herself mentally and physically" (which is NOT an opinion you should share with her, btw) then in my mind that would indicate she doesn't see the good things about herself that you clearly do.

 

Maybe she's turning down your offer to attend yoga because she feels insecure about it - or maybe it's because yoga isn't interesting to her. Maybe she'd be more inclined to go for a walk, or take a hike on some nearby trails for a picnic? Maybe while you're on that walk you stop by a playground and have some fun on the swings or try climbing up the slides? If you truly want to include her in physical activities, you're going to have to be more creative about the things you want her to try than just what you are personally interested in doing.

 

It sounds to me that she's shutting herself in her room to Skype with her boyfriend because she's lonely and doesn't have many people she can truly talk to about her life. If you really care for her, you need to meet her where she is now as a person - uncomfortable, vulnerable, and clearly trying to do the "right things" in life - rather than looking across the vast differences between you and sighing because she's not attempting to get where you are. Make it a point to always offer to cook and share your food with her; find out more about her boyfriend, and why she's in a relationship with him; ask about her past and what kinds of things she did for fun? I know you're just roommates, but if you're feeling obligated to make her life better while she's in yours, then you're going to have to do more than shake your head quietly and "feel bad" for her.

[jenlady]

i'm really not trying to judge her tho aha... i know i'm not her mom, and thats why i was wondering the best way to help her out. of course she could be happy and im not doubting that many people that can be okay with themselves, i just don't necessarily think she is, after these couple months weve known eachother.

 

evicious- thanks for breaking it down, i don't necessarily want her to "get like me" i just want her to be happier and go out with us every once in a while :3, i'm trying to do something and that was the goal of this post, i can't really exercise with her in a different way because i can hardly make time to go to yoga class, in between work and school. 

 

thanks everyone else for your comments :>

[I-Jo]

unfortunately you can't make someone be happier.  you can't help someone be happier.... that comes from inside.

 

Again- I live with an alcoholic smoking- eats like crap plays computer games all day long kind of person. He literally doesn't do anything from the time he gets home at 8 AM till 1030 PM but drink- play games up stairs and smoke. He literally drinks all day.  He only cleans up the mess his dog makes... if that.  He leaves dishes, tupperwear and bear bottles everywhere upstairs and in the kitchen. I haven't seen him clean a thing in the year and a half I have lived there... except when I shamed him into cleaning something. Literally lazy- and self medicating.  

 

He seems to think he's okay.

 

He's delusional.  Legit delusional.   But if he thinks that's what makes his life- then that's all there is to it- no amount of talking to- or texting- or trying to cajole him will help.  They have to come to grips with that themselves. Be as positive as you can and call it a day. 

 

just keep living your awesome life and roll with it.

[jenlady]

yeah i get it. i only wish i could help people help themselves, but you can't help people who dont help themselves

[I-Jo]

Exactly. :-)

[jenlady]

k i ate a whole thing of junior mints yesterday. AND a small fry from mcdonalds. aghhhh. thats probably like 100 grams of sugar right there

[matty_mcfly]

k i ate a whole thing of junior mints yesterday. AND a small fry from mcdonalds. aghhhh. thats probably like 100 grams of sugar right there

 

Lol hoping you ate more than just that. But junior mints are awesome and one weak moment wont derail a week

[Minty Keen]

She sounds a lot like I was a year ago. I work at a shoe store. I have a long distance relationship (although I've met my boyfriend we only see each other five or six times a year). I used to never exercise, and I lived on takeout, delivery, fast food and frozen dinners. Anda lot of chips.

I also have a thyroid issue. I'm a light sleeper and I find my roommates abhorrently loud when I'm trying to sleep when they realistically are only talking to friends on their headsets while gaming at night.

I've recently lost 40 lbs and I exercise regularly. I have gained a lot of muscle and feel as though I look pretty good.

Eating gluten free at first, and now paleo has helped me manage thyroid issues but I still think I need to find a specialist and Medicate that issue.

I still spend a lot of my free time talking with my boyfriend on the computer.

Havinga long distance relationship is not unhealthy. It's not desirable. But if you care about a person, you spend time with them in any way you can. I watch Netflix with my boyfriend all the time, we play video games. Etc.

A long distance relationship is still an important factor in my new, healthy lifestyle.

But regardless of how many years of people telling me they were concerned or tonight I should try to be healthier... In the end only I changed myself. And nothing anybody said spurred Me to start... Onlya realization that I really would be happier if I took better care of myself.

So dont try and change people. And don't judge long distance relationships. My boyfriend and I have been together for 7 years. We are working towards getting a place together. We're happy... And its not like they haven't invented webcams. Of course being together is best... But it's just not how it is right now.

It is weird she has never met him, though. How long have they been dating? Or do you even know?

[Minty Keen]

I'll also add that hypothyroidism makes you really. Fucking. Tired. All the time. Which can be depressing. Which can lead to comfort food.

So. Yeah.

[I-Jo]

damn and people think MY boyfriend is far.. We see each other every week- it's a 2 hr drive. and his schedule is almost completely backwards from mine.  so his weekend is mid week- mine is typical sat/sun. I work 7 days a week... and his hours are 3 Pm- 11 PM. seriously- it's weird- but not only 5/6 times a year strain. that's a different ball of wax. Kudo's to you.

[Duality]

I need too much attention for a long distance relationship xD

[jenlady]

She sounds a lot like I was a year ago. I work at a shoe store. I have a long distance relationship (although I've met my boyfriend we only see each other five or six times a year). I used to never exercise, and I lived on takeout, delivery, fast food and frozen dinners. Anda lot of chips.

I also have a thyroid issue. I'm a light sleeper and I find my roommates abhorrently loud when I'm trying to sleep when they realistically are only talking to friends on their headsets while gaming at night.

I've recently lost 40 lbs and I exercise regularly. I have gained a lot of muscle and feel as though I look pretty good.

Eating gluten free at first, and now paleo has helped me manage thyroid issues but I still think I need to find a specialist and Medicate that issue.

I still spend a lot of my free time talking with my boyfriend on the computer.

Havinga long distance relationship is not unhealthy. It's not desirable. But if you care about a person, you spend time with them in any way you can. I watch Netflix with my boyfriend all the time, we play video games. Etc.

A long distance relationship is still an important factor in my new, healthy lifestyle.

But regardless of how many years of people telling me they were concerned or tonight I should try to be healthier... In the end only I changed myself. And nothing anybody said spurred Me to start... Onlya realization that I really would be happier if I took better care of myself.

So dont try and change people. And don't judge long distance relationships. My boyfriend and I have been together for 7 years. We are working towards getting a place together. We're happy... And its not like they haven't invented webcams. Of course being together is best... But it's just not how it is right now.

It is weird she has never met him, though. How long have they been dating? Or do you even know?

thanks for telling your story, and i dont think long distance relationships are weird at all, its just that she hasn't met him yanno? but, i dont know how they met or how long theyve been dating really..its a mystery, she doesn't talk about it. yesterday i came home at 4 a.m and her lights were on and i could hear her talking to him

[Earlsdottir]

I think there are a lot of ways to "meet" someone.  I've seen a lot of relationships begin that way -- hell, my own did, and we've now been married six years -- and when finally they meet for reals, things take off to a higher level. Or they crash. But that's her business and her concern, really. Not yours.

 

As a confirmed introvert and someone who finds interacting with "real" people very trying after a couple of hours, I spent a lot of my younger years hanging out with online friends a lot more than with my roommates or my "real" friends.  But what those roommates and "real" friends did that helped me feel good about myself was this: They invited me out. Maybe not all the time, but often. Most of the time I'd decline, though I would go out every now and again.  But the important bit is that they kept asking. They didn't give up.  That made me feel valued, and more importantly, like they respected my need to engage with them on my own terms, and at times when I felt comfortable doing it.  It made me feel like a friend, not a project that they'd give up on when it failed. And the more I felt valued, the more comfortable I'd be around them, and the more time I would spend with them, and...you can maybe see where this is going.

 

Of course, we're all different people, and her situation may be very different, so take from it what you will.  But I hope that perspective is helpful.