Am I a crappy person?

[Obitim]

So I guess I need to know if if I'm being a bit crappy or the situation is:

 

Bit of background to start:

In January of last year, my fiancée and I decided to get married (We've been together for 5 years), we set the date for August 2014, told everyone who we wanted to come to the ceremony and all is well and good.  

A friend of mine then got engaged to his girlfriend after about 6 months together and set the date for May 2014 (prompting another friend to comment that we'd been 'gazumped' for the wedding).  Their invites have been sorted and everyone in our group has been invited to the ceremony except my partner and I. I wanted to invite the couple to our ceremony but my GF feels that if we're not important to be going to theirs then why should we shell out for them to come to ours?  I've always felt that if there is a group of friends then you can't exclude one when the rest are invited.  

 

It appears that that my friend doesn't feel the same and not sure how to proceed with that, whether I agree with my GF and they get an invite to the evening party only and I compromise my principles but they are treated the same way they've treated us or if I be the bigger person in all of this and stick to my guns, although my GF will not be over the moon about it.

 

 

We're now at the stage of sorting stag weekends out and I've received an email from my friends best man saying the stag do will be in Poland, however, I've recently had a slight pay decrease when moving to a more stable job (with a large public sector employer, the move was worth it), but we can cope, at the same time we are paying towards our own wedding and so the cost of flying to Poland, hotels, and then beers on top may be a bit of a struggle,

 

I'm thinking of ways in which I can manage to pay for it but not sure if I should go as saving for the wedding.  The weekend is also booked for the same weekend as my birthday, which traditionally means that I have travelled over to see my friends for a bit of a night out...however, that's not really important, although I feel that my friend has booked his stag do with no regard for others or what they may have planned with regards to birthdays and also having a wedding, whereas I'd like to think that I would try to arrange my stag weekend around that to get the most people available to be there.

 

Not sure if I'm a crappy person for thinking like this and thinking the way I do...guess I need a bit of guidance from the community on this one!

[CarlosDanger]

Have you asked him why you and your GF wasn't invited? It could be simply they didn't have enough room to fit you in or other things of that ilk (money, etc.). Basically, let him know that it is a situation that has brought a bit of contention with you and your GF. Now, in terms of if you should invite him, I say yes in this situation. Sure, it may be easy for you to conclude that 'I'm just doing what he's doing to me', but I only see that as drawing this situation out and making it bigger than it needs to be.  It may hurt the future Mrs. feelings a bit, but at the end of the day I think it may be the best solution. And just to reiterate again, talk to your friend. If he is truly a mate of yours, he'll listen to what you say and talk to you about the invite situation. It may be, like I said earlier, a money or room situation, but you won't know until you ask him.

 

~CD

[Obitim]

Hey there CD,

 

He did speak to me about it and he said that he's had a lot of family requests and that he is struggling to fit me in and would like us to be there, so I suppose there is that, I've not mentioned the contention with the Mrs as not sure how that would go down with him...

 

We are having similar issues with numbers and money as well, and the Mrs is saying it along those lines...it's a bit of a tough one

[Quillard]

Oe, sorry. Not touching this one, for it needs brutal honesty, manipulation (a skill most men suck at) and a whole lot of finesse to fix. 

Let me say this tho... whatever choice you make, makes you no less of a person. Pick a route, take solace that it was the absolute best you could manage and hearten. Rock and hard place. 

Should any slighted souls turn up later, tell them you didn't like any of the options you had and don't begrudge others the choices they made either. 
Then have a beer with them.

[Obitim]

Brutal honesty, manipulation and finesse, can they all work together?

 

Well, I;d never turn down a beer with a mate!

[Quillard]

Brutal honesty to self (hurts). Manipulation and finesse of others (spawned by said brutal honesty). And yes. Ofcourse they can.

Might sound a tad ominous and douchy, even. But we humans dont really like to give actual names to social complexities. We don't name them, therefore we don't discuss them, therefore we don't get better at them and either pretend they don't exist or pretend we think they don't exist to others so we can make use of the plausible deniability that grants us.

yea, probably want to stick to the damage control (the beer). 

No actual solutions are like to be given in this topic. But you are NOT a bad person.
 

[Obitim]

Yeah, I thought that...however a little validation is nice, but also some suggestions would go a long way as well, however, also words like yours too Quillard are good!

 

Any and all help is a good thing!

[Guest Dirty Deads]

Wild swing here, but my guess would be that his fiancé has a problem with you. Hence the jumping their wedding ahead of you and you not being invited, BUT you do get to go to the stag party huh? Sounds like you're welcome to only events she won't be at.

 

Be the bigger person. Invite them. I wouldn't, but I'm petty.

[Obitim]

Hey Swole!

 

Yeah, I don't think so, I've not seen her often enough to upset her! (I think!)

 

Although you never know I suppose, they have jumped into a lot of things, buying a house together and the wedding within a few months...who knows, it;s a tough one, and I guess it would be nice to be the bigger man!

[Guest Dirty Deads]

Hey Swole!

 

Yeah, I don't think so, I've not seen her often enough to upset her! (I think!)

 

Although you never know I suppose, they have jumped into a lot of things, buying a house together and the wedding within a few months...who knows, it;s a tough one, and I guess it would be nice to be the bigger man!

 

Yeah, maybe it's just my untrusting nature. You should invite them. You want them there because you enjoy your friend's company and want him to share in your special day,  not because he did or didn't invite you to his. Being the bigger man seems the best route imo.

[Obitim]

Yeah, I think that is right, you never know, he may have space to squeeze us in for the day do...will have to see what occurs.

 

However, I reckon I may have to turn down the stag do (although it's a bit crap as all my mates will be away on his stag do over my birthday)

[Ceasefire]

Female perspective powers, ACTIVATE.

 

I think you need to question to your friend why others from your friendship group were invited to their wedding, but not you and your fiancee.

I think you need to question if you really want to spend all that money to go to a Stag-Do when you're already feeling second rate from not being invited to the main event.

 

And then you should decide if this is worth the stress. Seriously, if you can invite them to your wedding and WANT to invite them to your wedding, it should not matter that you were invited to theirs or not. It shouldn't be one of those games of playing fair. If his being there, at your wedding, brings you joy - invite him. If it would cause you upset, even if it's because you're bitter from not being invited to his wedding - don't invite him.

 

I also wouldn't assume that your friend has to keep anyone else's plans in mind but his own. I know that might sound selfish, but did you consult everyone you knew before booking your wedding? Don't take it as an insult to you.

[Obitim]

Hi Ceasefire...

 

Nothing wrong with female perspective, good points re the questions, I think that those may come into play, I'll have to do a bit of thinking if I want to do that, as you say.

 

As you say, is it worth the stress as well.  I think I'd be inviting him as I don't think it's fair to invite some of the group and not the others, it's a personal thing, will it bring me joy?  I'm not sure if it will if he is there or not, but I'd not want the others in the group thinking that I was singling one of the group out and inviting the rest to the whole ceremony except one.

 

To be fair, we didn't consult everyone but we did say to all the people we wanted at the ceremony, this is the date (well over 18 months in advance and before we'd gone for a venue to book it) do you think you;ll be able to make it, so there was a level of consideration in there and I feel like that's not being extended by him (but who knows, like you say, you can't expect a person to keep others plans in their heads) and at least his date is 3 months before ours, one my fiancées friends are now getting married the week before us (and they've only recently announced the date).

[MissMormie]

Wild swing here, but my guess would be that his fiancé has a problem with you. Hence the jumping their wedding ahead of you and you not being invited, BUT you do get to go to the stag party huh? Sounds like you're welcome to only events she won't be at.

 

This is a possibility. But how many people would really plan their wedding date based on the date of a person they don't like? I mean, if it was a question of one week before, perhaps, but they are just on a completely different time scale. If I'd ever get married there's no way it would take 18 months between the decision and the event. 

 

 

Seriously, if you can invite them to your wedding and WANT to invite them to your wedding, it should not matter that you were invited to theirs or not. It shouldn't be one of those games of playing fair. If his being there, at your wedding, brings you joy - invite him. If it would cause you upset, even if it's because you're bitter from not being invited to his wedding - don't invite him.

 

Put extra extra emphasis on the important word there. It's your wedding that I assume you want to celebrate with people who you care about and who care about you. Who cares if they've invited you or not. If your friend is important to you invite him. If he's not don't. There should be no hard feelings either way. (This also means that if you will feel better for inviting him, than you should, whether or not you feel better for him actually showing up.)

 

To be fair, we didn't consult everyone but we did say to all the people we wanted at the ceremony, this is the date (well over 18 months in advance and before we'd gone for a venue to book it) do you think you;ll be able to make it, so there was a level of consideration in there and I feel like that's not being extended by him (but who knows, like you say, you can't expect a person to keep others plans in their heads) and at least his date is 3 months before ours, one my fiancées friends are now getting married the week before us (and they've only recently announced the date).

 

As you're not invited you're obviously not on the top of their list of people to check their date with. There are so many birthdays, celebrations, holidays, vacation periods and things to plan around that the date will collide for someone. And after taking out the birthdays or parents on both sides, siblings, best friends and such you just need to pick a date. This isn't done to spite you, or even being inconsiderate, this is just how life works. 

 

--

If you want to skip the stag party due to budget that's a totally fair reason to do so. Rather than question if you want to fork out that money for his stag party though think about whether it is worth it to you to go on a mini holiday with a group of your friends or that you're ok on missing out on that. It could very well be you're invited to the stag party because the best man is in your friend group and has never even considered if you're invited to the wedding or not and hence if he should invite you for the stag party or not. 

[Maledictus]

Invites are tight but you're still invited to the stag do? 

Sounds like his wife to be has a hate on for yours if I'm honest.  Luckily, there doesn't need to be a reason for that, so that's ok.  If it wasn't for the expense in the run up to your own wedding I'd suggest going and collaring him when he's out of it to get the real story.

The other good thing is, based on everything you've said about it, I give it a year or two tops and then he'll be sleeping on your couch after she's stolen all the other friends and kicked him out.

 

 

See now THAT, right there (^^^^^^), is a crappy person.  I'm not going to give any advice because it will come across as pretty brutal (plus when I was in a similar situation the guy didn't talk to me for ten years based on how I acted.  Then when he got back in touch I told him to go die in a fire, I'd managed the last ten years just fine I could manage another fifty.  May the bridges I burn light my way)

 

I'd focus on your own wedding since I'm assuming that's the person you'll be spending the vast majority of your discretionary time with from this point on.  Possibly try to be a bit more diplomatic than I would.  

 

Good luck.

[Kaylya]

Have you been told that you're not invited, or have you just not been told that you are invited? In the latter case, you could well be someone they would like to invite, but not quite in the inner group who they want to check the date with before booking a venue etc., or they maybe aren't sure if they'll have the space, etc.

[I-Jo]

Yeah, maybe it's just my untrusting nature. You should invite them. You want them there because you enjoy your friend's company and want him to share in your special day,  not because he did or didn't invite you to his. Being the bigger man seems the best route imo.

this.

 

all the rest of the shit is irrelevant. If you want them there because they are your friends- invite them- not because "they invited you to theirs" or "we

aren't going to invite them because they didn't invite us."

 

That sounds incredibly childish.  It does sound like future friend wifey has issues... don't let it affect your decisions unless you decided you really hate her. 

 

I got uninvited essentially to 2 separate weddings- my "friends" weren't even friends enough to tell me 'hey we are super close on money we would love to have you but we are struggling with the number of people".  They just ignored me at all. 

 

Both of them.

 

Incredible spiteful and painful because they were too cowardly to just be upfront and tell. I wouldn't have cared- I would have rather known than be ignored.

 

Just do the right thing- and not because they didn't invite you to their party and you felt spiteful. 

[Obitim]

Morning folks,

Thanks for all the replies, some good stuff in there, I'm gonna take a few days to think things through and see what the best course is but plenty of food for thought

[Beaucastle]

I'm late to this discussion but I do want to say something...

 

Congratulations, this is a fantastic step you are taking in your life, and as such you need to make the choices about what makes you happy.  The Stag party and such will now interrupt your normal birthday plans, so perhaps you might consider doing something uncharateristic for your birthday.  A weekend bucket list item with your soon to be wife.  (one that is budge friendly).

 

In life our friends sometimes let us down.  I'd have a talk with your friend and share you feel left out.  Maybe take him out for a beer or three before the Stag event to celebrate with him, and let him know you wish him happy and congrats.  There is no reason  (Unless there is one that has not been exposed) that your friendship should disolve into slight for slight ruination. 

[Obitim]

Hi Beau,

 

Thanks for the words of advice, doing something special with the missus may be a top idea to be fair, I like that!

 

Yeah, I agree, I'll contact my friend and see if he;s available for a couple of beers before (or after the stag do).  That'll sort it for everyone then.

 

Cheers!