Girl problem(looking for mostly guy opinions but other girls are welcome.)

[Mrgso]

This is great stuff. Thanks. It's good to know I'm not alone out there with this. It's just hard when you're the only one left out of everyone you know that's never dated and a decent handful of people are already getting married(my mom was 21 when she married my dad.)

As for getting out there there's a decent amount of people in the music program but it's small enough that we're all friends. I'm also in MassGames(the group that does humans vs zombies and larp n'stuff) that's where I'd find most of the so called 'GERDs.' I occasionally hang out with my church group of college students but I've kinda had a difficult time 'fitting in'(again my view on Christianity is different that what a lot of people have made it.) Other groups include a music sorority(not helpful in my particular case.) and a student run music charity group(also not helpful since it's mostly music majors.) Something I didn't think of was the potential of the gym. I usually do home workouts but they have a very nice track here on campus and also many different classes are offered for free(or for whatever our rec center fees included in our bill are.)

[I-Jo]

all my friends are married and having babies. 

 

I don't like babies.

At all.  

 

As you move through life - the groups of people around you will move at different paces- it is what it is.  I deal with it constantly- and I just don't care.  but that doesn't mean there aren't people who don't give me a hard time. These people will all be around you in way or the other.   chin up kiddo!!!

 

HUGS!

[pirateradio]

I think everyone hit the nail on the head when they said don't rush it, everyone finds things in their own time. I was a social spaz in high school through my freshman year of college, to be honest I didn't have the confidence or understand the social signals to date. Lightening hit when I was 19 and met a gal in organic chemistry lab (ah, those wonderful, cancer causing reagents and their wonderful smells, just perfect for love!)....and we are still together, almost 31 years later:). 

 

Someone else hit something, given that type of person you are, the kind of guys you probably would hit it off with may be just as shy and socially awkward as you are. I am not talking theory, I was like that, and in many ways my wife had to take steps with me, otherwise I would probably have drifted off, as it did anytime else I tried to get to know someone....if you meet a guy you like, you may need to make steps to get to know him, as hard as that may be, to show that interest first, and then once he is comfortable, you might be surprised what happens. 

 

The best way to meet people is through the interests you have, if your school has a science fiction club that is a possible place. Or if your version of Christianity (which kind of sounds to me like a lot of people could learn from your example) is important, than getting involved with religious focused charities might both help you focus on that aspect of yourself and also might be a place to find someone who shares your interest. There are a lot of Christian churches that focus on ministry (I mean charitable action and outreach, not proslytizing or actively out to picket abortion clinics and make gays feel bad about themselves), lot of pretty progressive churches that might better fit your idea of things, and that could again be a wonderful way to combine things and maybe meet someone, too....you meet people in weird places, as I noted about, met my wife in organic chem lab, so you never know, and we hit it off on many levels, at first it was simply spending time talking for hours about different things:). 

 

As far as looks and presentation, there is nothing wrong with being a t shirt and jeans kind of girl, if that is you, cool (and in college, least when I went, that was the dominant form of things, a girl wearing spike heels and minis and such as I see a lot of young women doing these days would have been an oddity:).  When the right person comes along, I think you will find that you could be wearing a stars wars holiday t shirt with the image of Harvey Korman as the TV chef (with him in drag), and it wouldn't matter, it is going to hit and that is it:)

 

One piece of advice my mom gave I thought was a good one, she once said that kids seemed to be so concerned about relationships they forgot what dating was, that it was okay to do things with different people, and not put pressure for it to be a relationship, but rather to have fun and if something comes from it, cool. Don't put pressure on yourself, enjoy doing things with people who share things with you, and see what happens from there.

[Robot_Monerz]

Yeah, I didn't date until I was 24. My friends had boyfriend after boyfriend while I remained single. I don't regret it at all. In part, I needed the time to work out who I was and to work through some issues about relationships I had stemming from my childhood. And it part it just wasn't until 24 that I found someone I really clicked with.

 

I spent some time when I was younger wondering if there was something wrong with me and whether I'd always be alone. Even after that relationship ended and I was single for about a year and a half I wondered if I was only going to experience love once in my lifetime. Looking back though the way things unfolded was totally right for me and I would not change a thing. And I found love a second time too

I'm just saying this to tell you... don't worry. From what you've said you're an awesome and interesting person with a lot going for you. You have plenty of time and these things can't be forced. Just rock on being the best you can be, enjoy being young with everything before you, cultivate those secret interests people are so surprised about because they an important part of you! Love will come when the time is right, promise.

 

I can't imagine the guys I would have dated if I forced myself to date any earlier. So many scars avoided in retrospect! 

[Strawberry Squatcake]

My dad is really introverted and my parents almost didn't date b/c Ma Squat's really old fashioned and wanted him to ask her out but he was too shy. Ma Squat is very outgoing, but also very stubborn. One older woman she worked with said, "Hey, you should date Pa Squat. He's a nice farm boy. He'd be a good husband." She said, "He's always so mean to me. I don't like him." (My dad's awkward social approach is to be mean through teasing or whatever.) 

 

Eventually he asked her out, obviously. (Because Ma Squat doesn't compromise dating essentials.)

 

And she's said many times people think he's a snob or mean because he's so quiet. All of my friends in grade and high school were terrified of him b/c he never spoke to them when they walked in (unless they spoke to him). I know I come across the same way. Mostly I am just trying to feel people out, and figure out how they interact, and how I can "fit in." I also don't speak much, especially at first. I definitely put off a snobby front, and many people think I'm judgmental. When I do start talking, I often have stubborn opinions, much like Ma Squat. So it's not a good combination.

 

I did have a boyfriend at the end of HS. And after he broke up with me, I made a decision to not date or let any guy get in the way of me being successful and building a life to take care of myself. Problem was once I got out of school and established a career, I was actually happy alone. And the older I get, the more I feel set in the way I am. It gets harder to do the work to let people in. And even though, in theory, I'd love to meet someone, it's such a game (even in my 30s). I have dated a few guys in the last 10ish years, but I always find something that's "not right" about them. I've had a small handful of guys interested in me that I'm not interested in, but mostly I find myself interested in guys who don't see me like that. And it actually doesn't bother me. If he doesn't want to date me, that's the half of the equation I can't control. And I don't try to. 

 

I don't regret a single second of being single. I love my life and where I am right now. There were glimpses of loneliness and regret as all of my friends got married and started having kids. But through time I've watched those people who made the relationships look easy. Many of them aren't happy. They're two steps from divorce, or have already cheated or been cheated on. I am not saying ALL relationships turn out this way. I'm simply saying it's not a matter of choosing just anyone who's interested in me. There's more to it than that. I'm glad I've taken time to figure ME out. I'm happy where I am, but hopefully am still open enough to let love in if it tries to find me, or work for it when I think I've found it. I don't regret the guys I said "No thanks" to when it was just sex (even though sometimes you want to feel wanted, even if it's just sex). And I don't regret my limited intimate history. 

 

I am me. And I am a good person. I am sorta smart, a little funny, very realistic, kinda flighty and non-committal, reasonably focused, a long-term thinker, and pretty independent. And I can say honestly I have no baggage, and would be an excellent girlfriend and maybe even a wife for the right guy. I don't waste time with guys I know won't work b/c I want to be available if a guy who could work does come along. I didn't get here without getting hurt plenty of times. But I think that'll only make me appreciate the right guy even more. I have watched others fall in and out of love, and witnessed people hurt someone they used to love so much they couldn't breathe. It makes the fantasy of love a bit sobering, and I think it makes me appreciate how rare a true, real connection is. It's possible I'll NEVER find someone that I click with like "that." I think true love is such a rare, overwhelming thing, I hope to find it and know what it feels like. But on the other hand, if it weren't so rare, it wouldn't be so great to finally find. And I can't expect to find it just because I want it right now. 

 

Hang in there! You remind me of me a bit! You have a ton of great qualities that people obviously already appreciate. Just keep your heart and mind open, but not at the expense of your standards. Continue growing as a person and learning about yourself. Work on your confidence and knowing when is the right time to put yourself out there. Find a style you're comfortable and feel confident with. And know that you're worth someone so fantastic you won't feel like you deserve him when he comes along (and he'll feel the same about you, duh!). 

Oh, and try not to judge the snobby ones at first sight. But make him do SOME work to get you.

[MissMormie]

A lot of people are saying 'just be yourself'. 'be true to yourself'. Yeah. While this is partially right, think a bit about marketing as well. When you walk in the supermarket which products stand out? Those that are marketed best. That's partially looks, but also placement, producers pay more to place their products on eye level, and commercials, brand awareness. Now that boring black product on the bottom shelf might taste better than the A-brand, but most people will never find out. 

 

Now think about yourself as a product a bit. Sure you don't want to change the contents, you don't want to change that what makes you you. But you do want that right person to notice you or get in contact with him. And that's where a little marketing comes in. And part of that is looks. That doesn't mean you suddenly have to wear a bright red gala dress and your hair done perfectly every day, but do take a bit more care of your looks than you normally would. Yes it would be great if someone fell on you just for who you are but they first have to notice you. 

 

It's also commercials/brand awareness. Get yourself out there, the more people know about your existence the better the chance you'll find that person. And yes, online dating is perfect for that. 

 

I've also got an eye level analogy

When you go to a party, or network event, or anywhere where there are people you don't know make sure to introduce yourself to one or two new people. Which is bloody scary, but again, if they don't see you because you're hiding away you're that product on the bottom shelf. Maybe great, but unseen. 

[MissMormie]

 But make him do SOME work to get you.

 

I totally disagree with that statement. You can and should be comfortable to ask a guy out with you. You can ask for a second and third date if you like as well, sure at some point things need to come from both sides, but why would you not do some work for a guy you like? 

 

My bf was very popular and a lot of girls had a crush on him. But he didn't believe that and was way to self conscious to ask anyone out. So I asked him out and the rest, as they say is history. Those girls waiting for him to ask them out lost their chance. If I left it to him I'm pretty sure he'd still be single. 

[I-Jo]

I totally disagree with that statement. You can and should be comfortable to ask a guy out with you. You can ask for a second and third date if you like as well, sure at some point things need to come from both sides, but why would you not do some work for a guy you like? 

 

My bf was very popular and a lot of girls had a crush on him. But he didn't believe that and was way to self conscious to ask anyone out. So I asked him out and the rest, as they say is history. Those girls waiting for him to ask them out lost their chance. If I left it to him I'm pretty sure he'd still be single. 

I've done it both ways- and while I don't believe in the whole game chase tease crap- I'm a firm believer in I'm worth it- you better work- show me that YOU"RE worth my time.

 

For me that means putting in the effort- taking time to talk to me- going out of your way to do something nice- yes- even just hanging out or pre- dating- that's HOW i know you are interested.

Point in case: one time - had a thing/issue with a guy who had blatently said he was interested- and I had flat out asked if it was more than just sex... we'll call him SAM (stands for Sexy Ab Man)... Sam said he was running errands.  including trip to DMV to get registration straightened out.. .and to the mall to get new shoes. 

 

I said - oh you should have come down a little further to the DMV at my office (we shared a building) I could have had a coffee and hung out at lunch!

 

He said nope- if it's not in the schedule it doesn't happen. Once I make a plan I stick to it.

 

It was literally 2 miles down the road- and he was already out of his 'way' (meaning away from the area where he lives and works) to come to THAT mall- I would go to that mall at lunch time every once in a while it was so close... like really?

 

if you were interested- you could have come down and at least fucking said hi.

 

I don't get on board with the teasing games- but you have to show me you want to be around me to talk to me to be interested in me at some point- the shy shit only fly's for so long. There has to be SOME work involved- seriously. I have to prove my worth- that I'm something special- and so does he. 

 

we won't even get into the do I give it up first date second date third date- make him work for it sex stuff- that's a totally different ball of wax and NOT what I'm talking about. 

[World'sFinest]

I'm 25 and have never been on a date. My personal belief is that it's because it's not something that I pursue, and men typically are the one that do the asking. That being said:

 

The best way to meet a partner is to meet people. The best way to meet people, especially people who share in your hobbies and interests, is to go into the world and do things you enjoy doing. This could be in the real world or on online forums, but it's a good plan. You'll have the opportunity to meet people who like what you like, and if you talk to even one person they know people and so on.

[competitivenonfiction]

As someone who was a serial monogamist in my early 20's, I can honestly say you're well positioned to come out on top. When I was 19, I had already met my future husband, but it took us another 3-4 years to start dating because I never thought someone as cool as him (nerdy, into martial arts, funny, well read, smart, and attractive to me on a level that no one else has ever been) would be into someone like me. Little did I know that he felt the same way and was just waiting for me to be single long enough and to show even a tiny bit of interest. While I was off settling for guys who were more overt in their interest, the love of my life was hanging out with women who were also more overt in theirs.

 

On one hand, I think we both had some growing to do before we were mature enough to handle our feelings for one another or a really serious relationship so I'm grateful that I got to travel, volunteer and sow some wild oats before we moved our relationship to the next level. On the other, he was right there all along and if I just had the balls to make my feelings known, I would have saved myself some serious heartache.

 

So, I've got a couple of things to say here: you might already know the guy you're going to fall so in love with that you will be happier than you ever knew was possible. BUT you might also be grateful for the time you've had to work on yourself and to really figure out who you are. I was 22 when my husband and I started dating and I still had so much learning to do about myself, and this is harder when you're in a relationship.

 

My recommendation is this: put yourself out there by getting even more into your hobbies and your communities. If there is something you've always wanted to do (e.g. travel, international voluneer work, getting your own apartment, getting a degree, teach English overseas etc) that is easier to do when you're not in a relationship do it now. Don't wait. Don't wait even for a second. This will do a bunch of things: you'll get closer to achieving your life's work and dreams, you'll gain confidence and learn about yourself and the world in a way that few people get to, you'll learn some really valuable social skills, and you'll be even more interesting to all people, including men.

 

And also, when you do find someone awesome (and I have this feeling it's right around the corner for you), don't neglect your friends. Your friendships, especially with other women, are a greater statistical predictor of lifetime happiness than anything else. I mention this because it's so common for people to ignore their friends when they're in a relationship, especially if they started dating later in life. It's normal to hide out a bit in the beginning of a relationship, but when you come up for air, try to stay connected with your friends.

 

 

And on the friends zone stuff - if you are truly into someone and they're truly into you, neither of you will ever utter the words "but what about our friendship" with any real intention of letting that stand in the way. One of you might say it jokingly, or because you feel like one of you should say it, but it'll be in between make out sessions. If you are secretly interested in a friend romatically and they express interest in you, your response is going to be "oh hell yeah, let's make this happen!" not "but what about our friendship?"

[Zorch]

I've done it both ways- and while I don't believe in the whole game chase tease crap- I'm a firm believer in I'm worth it- you better work- show me that YOU"RE worth my time.

 

For me that means putting in the effort- taking time to talk to me- going out of your way to do something nice- yes- even just hanging out or pre- dating- that's HOW i know you are interested.

I don't get on board with the teasing games- but you have to show me you want to be around me to talk to me to be interested in me at some point- the shy shit only fly's for so long. There has to be SOME work involved- seriously. I have to prove my worth- that I'm something special- and so does he. 

 

we won't even get into the do I give it up first date second date third date- make him work for it sex stuff- that's a totally different ball of wax and NOT what I'm talking about. 

 

From a man's perspective, I totally agree.  The whole "playing hard to get" thing is a bunch of stupid BS, both for girls playing "hard to get" and guys trying to play it cool/not act too interested.  I'm pretty sure that's one of the reasons my current relationship got off to a good start - apparently both she and I have outgrown those stupid "feigned disinterest" shenanigans.  Fairly typical first/second date, I was nervous as heck, pretty sure she was too, but each of us always found a way to communicate to the other that we were interested and keep things moving forward until we got past that initial nervousness.  Pretty simple, subtle actions just to express that you care.  A phone call instead of texting, or taking half an hour out of a busy weeknight to grab a quick bite together after work.  Or if your date wants to meet up and you have a legitimate conflict in your schedule, SUGGEST AN ALTERNATIVE.  "Sorry, I'm busy then" sends the wrong message, but "That time's not so good for me, but what about (insert other day here)?" lets them know that you're definitely interested.

 

Basically, show the other person that you care, and that you think THEY are worth YOUR time.  If they were genuinely interested to start with, you'll usually get a positive response.  And if you're wondering whether they're not interested or just playing some stupid hard to get game - don't keep chasing forever.  Find someone who will actually be honest with you.

[Shawry]

Its all about boosting your confidence enough so that you can get that first interaction happening with any potential partner that may appear in your life.

You seem to have the social networks to find someone with similar interests so that is a great start.

 

If getting fit is your key to self confidence, then go crazy!

Perhaps its learning a particularly awesome song and being able to play it for one of your musical groups.

 

Try this...smile at people. Its really hard to do! 

Walk down the street one day and if you see a nice guy, smile at him. We all like a quick perv, but tend to quickly turn away so they dont notice us looking. Make it a challenge to catch someones eye and smile just for a second or two. You arent trying to hook up or start conversation, just a casual smile.

 

High school really knocks your self confidence around. If you stuff up then other kids will tease you and humiliate you in front of others. In the REAL WORLD you will probably never see people ever again, so it doesnt hurt to try to put yourself out-there!