Rebuilding my mind and body

[Reaper]

In respect to the title name, I just had to

 

 

I am 6'0 180lbs,19 years old and I am becoming a member for accountability.  Up until I was 16 I was the stereotypical geek, although no tabletop games or anything of the sort I spent about 5-8 hours a day playing videogames either on the console or later the PC, at about age 13 I moved, and at the same time discovered MMOs, I got sucked in trying to compete as I really had no outside life or friends at that point in life. Up until I was playing 12 hours or more a day almost everyday, It really sunk in when after a 7 day gaming session of doing nothing but eating, sleeping and playing when I walked outside I instantly got winded and dizzy. Around the time I started highschool I kicked the MMO addiction and reduced my gaming down to more reasonable levels. But I still had no self esteem, was about 20lbs underweight. I was 15 110lbs and 5'10 being unable to do a single pullup and only manage 5 pushups. Between my painful shyness and just being skinny and although everyone was nice to be it was more done out of pity it seemed than actually being friendly.

 

I would do pushups from time to time but always quit when I didn't see immediate results. Finally sophomore year though a knife forum I was a member of I discovered scoobysworkshop.com. I liked his logical non roid rage fueled approach to lifting and started doing body weight excercises more reguarly, and started to gain some muscle tone  for the first time in my life although still no size. Spring of 2011, I finally got a full weight set, and I fell inlove, it allowed me to focus on something beyond videogames, beyond my social situation, I gave me hope one day being the big guy in the room.

 

In 2 years I packed on more than 60lbs. I went from benching the bar to benching 225, deadlifting 390 and Olympic squatting a admittedly low 250.

 

But I had fallen into the trap of making it my life, I would constantly critque my routine, worry about overtraining, undertraining, platues, tear myself up every session. It got me end of senior year the strongest guy upper body wise in the highschool under 200lbs with a benchpress of 290 and being able to do sets of 12 with 300lbs on the pulldown. But I don't think I didn't size up a single person during the time, I was comparing my size and strength to anyone within a 100 mile radius, and anyone my age online really. If I saw someone bigger than me, it killed me, I would beat myself up in the gym for 2-3 hours trying to push past stalls. I ended up taking some  "supplements*" after a long platue and sliding downhill for a while. I ended up weighing 215, benching 225 for sets of 12, deadlifting 455, curling 60s per hand, dumbbell pressing 130s. But yet a couple months in, I just burned out, I don't know if it was due to the "Supplement" increasing confidence levels, the degree I was training at just burning me out. Being busy from work and college or,  in some way I just gave up. But the last month of my "supplement" usage I would make the gym once a week. Sometimes twice a week but I would usually half ass one session, sometimes I would even half ass both sessions. When I stopped I improved the gym situation I little bit but it was still bad, for about 2 months i ended up working out once a week. Then for a month I managed to get back in the rhythm of lifting but fell back out for a few weeks. Then I Tboned a cadiliac escalade on the highway. My car was completely crushed up to the front wheels. I had bad shoulder, elbow and neck pain, and couln't work out for another 2 months. Making effectively half a year of not working out seriously.

 

*Not creatine or protein powder if you know what I mean

 

I was cleared for light lifting by the physical therapist. And I figured out I need acountability. When I was a active forum member of Ask Scooby, I had a large Progress diary, everyon at school knew me as the big weightlifting guy. It kept me going. When ask scooby shutdown and I graduated, the only one who knew I missed workouts was me, which didn't matter when I had bigorexia and kept killing myself in the gym, but when I finally burned out there was nothing keeping me going at all.

 

 

 

So I need the support, accountability etc a online log provides I have finally somewhat found peace with what I am physically capable of, I know firsthand of how common juice usage is, even among susposedly natty guys, I know realistically most people can't tell or don't care about the difference between big and bigger anyways and I know its just a part although perhaps large part of who i am, not the whole part.. Yet at the same time I cannot end up in the same trap I used to be, I just cannot be a member of the forums like bodybuilding.com, It would bring the old demons back out. When I believe most people see a higher level bodybuilder or powerlifter, they wish they could be them perhaps, or just admire them like we might bill gates wealth, but I HAD to be at that level, anything less would be failure in my mind. But I juts cannot handle that thinking anymore.

 

 

 

 

 

On to my training style I tend to go very heavy and very aggressive, I tend to be the type of person who has two modes, laidback and quiet, and angry, loud and out of control. But I am going to scale back the weight and go for higher reps to protect my joints.

 

I am going to give Lyle Mcdonalds bulking routine a try http://www.jcdfitness.com/2009/01/lyle-mcdonalds-bulking-routine/

 

 

For the longest time I was doing Layne Nortons PHAThttp://www.simplyshredded.com/mega-feature-layne-norton-training-series-full-powerhypertrophy-routine-updated-2011.html But I burned out, not physically I don't believe but mentally, it took every bit of obession and stubornness to make it though it.

 

 

 

I don't know my current strength levels, I don't want to know, I don't plan to test them for a long time, I do however plan to get more serious about squats and deadlifts. as I am more build for them, but didn't take them seriously for a long time because I was focusing on my much more stubborn upper body.

 

 

 

But pleased to meet you guys.

[Guzzi]

Hey! I'm so glad you found this place, seems like it's a much healthier atmosphere for you than those other forums you mentioned.

Big respect on facing up to those demons and posting about them. That takes guts.

I hope to see you about