Romantic Relationships and Lifestyle Changes

[MogiShade]

I have no idea what forum would be the most appropriate for this topic, so if I've placed it in the wrong one then I apologise to the mod who'll have to move it.

 

Something that has been weighing on my mind a long time is the issues that come up in a romantic relationship between two people when one decides to make a radical lifestyle change that is not embraced by the other.  For this thread, the example will be one partner chosing to become healthy while the other refuses.  I have, am, going through it and a friend is too.  I am just curious to hear the opinions and experiences of those on here. 

 

Some of the issues my friend and I have faced include not being able to do everything with our partners.  For example, rock climbing, kayaking, and running.  We encounter a lot of couples doing these things together and we both feel a little envious.

 

Another issue is worrying about our partners' health long term.  Will we have to help them face diabetes and heart disease?

 

Trying to find common activities becomes hard.  Similar to the first issue, but a bit different and more of an issue in my friend's relationship.  He wants to go out more, run, hike, camp, etc... She prefers eating out, watching reality TV, and drinking with friends. 

 

At the same time, it is important to be sympathetic to our partners in these changes.  When we entered our relationships, we had a lifestyle that was more in sync.  We changed.  It's something we did.  For them, it's like waking up with a whole new life partner.  Watching TV, shopping, drinking, eatting out, etc.. all this stuff was great a couple years ago. 

 

What have your experiences been?  Going through something like this now?  Thoughts on the subject?

[Ripple]

Background: I've been married 6 years and with my spouse for 9 years. 

 

I actually see two separate issues here, so I'm going to address them separately. 

 

Issue #1: lack of common interests: 

 

My spouse and I have few common passions. He loves nature and the outdoors. I go fly fishing with him but I'd never take an entire trip that was centered on fly fishing. I love music. He will go to some shows with me but the entire jam scene is lost on him and most jam music sounds like pure noise to his ears. There are tons of things we both like doing together: walks, hikes, movies, cooking, drinking wine, playing board games, playing video games. However, our individual passions, what really feeds each of our souls, are kind of lost on the other person. 

 

I think whether this can work or not honestly depends on the individual couple. For us, it works. It works BEAUTIFULLY, especially now that we have children. I can send him fly fishing for a weekend, and he can send me on a Phish run for a weekend and we are both more than happy to do this for one another. However, this takes an amazing amount of compromise to work well. It also requires putting emphasis on spending time together to keep our relationship healthy. We plan date nights with activities we mutually agree on. I occasionally strap on my waders and go fly fishing with him, and he occasionally catches a live show with me. Probably the single most important thing is that neither one of us holds resentment for the other's passions. I know that duck season is going to come every single year, and I'm okay with that because I know how happy it makes my spouse. He knows I'm going to want to take off for a weekend or two every year for tour runs and festivals and he sends me with a smile on his face. Communication, and the fundamental understanding that you absolutely cannot change the person your partner is at the core, is the only way this will work for anyone.

 

Issue #2: health

 

Do you remember when you decided that you wanted to make a healthy lifestyle change? Honestly, the best and only thing you can do for a partner is to set a positive example and be supportive when and if he or she decides to make that same decision. You cannot force it. If a partner is living an extremely unhealthy lifestyle, you simply have to decide whether this is a deal breaker for you. Motivation has to come from within. 

 

With that being said: My partner and I openly discuss health, and we openly discussed expectations around health before we got married.  Weight is such a taboo subject for most couples, and has become a taboo subject in society, but we discuss it openly and I'm glad we do. If one of us became significantly overweight, it would have a drastic effect on our intimacy and on our relationship as a whole. Neither one of us expects the other to maintain perfect physical health, and my partner isn't terribly into fitness unless it involves the outdoors. However, we both have active lifestyles and it would be a significant barrier in our relationship if one of us got to a state where this lifestyle wasn't possible. Not to mention: neither one of us wants to see the other deteriorate prematurely if the reason is preventable. We have big plans to travel extensively when our family is grown and we want to enjoy all life has to offer together as long as we possibly can. 

 

I think that discussing health concerns (from a health standpoint and not from a "boy, you'd sure be hotter if you dropped 20 pounds" standpoint) is something every couple should be able to do. It is absolutely legitimate to look down the road at the health problems your partner might face if they are living an unhealthy lifestyle and you should be able to discuss these concerns with your partner in a supportive, loving way. Poor health is limiting in so many ways, both for the person in poor health and the partner that is taking care of him or her.

[Oramac]

I could type a bunch of stuff, but I think Ripple pretty much covered it all already.  

[Bralek1125]

I agree. Ripple's post is pretty all-encompassing. The only other thing I'll say, is be patient. You're not changing your lifestyle immediately, let them get used to you changing, and then maybe they'll be ready to change their lifestyle with you. It's gradual.

[Silo]

Good advice so far. I especially like Bralek's "be patient." At various times during our years together, one or the other of us have been more physically active or more attentive to eating healthy. Sometimes the other person would eventually catch up and do the same and sometimes not. But it always happened organically rather than at the purposeful urging of the other. I mean, I might ask my husband to go for a walk with me but I wouldn't try something like "you need to exercise more, you're unhealthy, take a walk" or anything like that. Also, Ripple wrote, there may be activities that you or your friend end up enjoying that your partners never like. If my husband started wanting to go camping, for instance, he knows that it would be without me because I don't camp, period. But he is fine with that and I would be fine with him going and doing it with other people.

[Waldo]

I've been married almost 8 years now, been with my wife almost 14 years.

We don't really have separate interests/lives like some of you do. We pretty much do everything together (outside of the workday).

My becoming overweight was a slow drift from being underweight when we first met, whereas she was always a little overweight, except for a short bit around our wedding, that drifted upwards for her once she got pregnant and had a child. My motivation to lose was definitely prompted by some prodding from her, both for theoretical health reasons and physical (she would say we were pregnant together). It really bothered me when would give me crap about my weight (though I never did in return due to what it would cause), but in the end that was one of the sparks I needed and in hindsight I'm glad she did it.

So while most people argue against it, if my wife wouldn't have given me crap about my weight, I'd still be fat.

She was a much tougher nut to crack. She was your typical american female, living life losing weight (unsuccessfully). She didn't really start to tackle it though until I'd already long past reached my goal weight. I tried the give her crap about her weight a couple of times, but that went over like a lead balloon. I always pointed out high cal/low cal meals/foods to her though and encouraged walking (lets go for a walk), and always volunteered to cook (I'm damn good at it and prefer my cooking to practically anyone else's). Eventually she decided to give what I was doing a try, very hesitantly (at least some of the things). But once she got going, that was all that was needed. My example was pretty much the best thing I did.

Works out good that we both have pretty much the same routine. Put kiddo to bed, workout for an hour or so, then eat dinner that one us cooks (then eat our after dinner ice cream). We both use MFP and I help her with the tougher meals and help her with measurements. Though she's all into workout videos, me not so much. That's fine though because we both work out at home.

Its taken her a lot longer than it took me but she's already hit her first goal weight. Like me though she's also in the place where using MFP daily is so pathetically easy there is no reason not to keep going with it; she's working on raising her metabolism right now with a reverse diet/microbulk, and if she makes it to the fall without getting pregnant, she's going to cut a bit more, into the ab zone (right now she's in the hints of abs here and there zone).

I'll tell you what, when both of you are extremely fit, the sex is out of this world.

[insanity]

Tagging to be able to track later.

 

I'm kind of in the same boat as the OP, so I'll be lurking about.

[MogiShade]

Ripple and Waldo, thank you for opeining up and sharing your experiences; it was exactly what I was wanting to hear!

 

At the risk of sounding rude, I sense some think I am posting here because I have a problem in need of solving.  I've been with my wife 13 years, married for nearly seven of those.  We've faced crazy things together.  We're open books with each other.  We have solved many things together.  I am not really looking for a solution to something.  I just want to hear about other peoples experiences in hopes of better understanding what we're experiencing.

 

It can be quite a strange and surreal thing.  A few months after I turned 30 I suffered an existential anxiety induced panic attack.  I was always aware I was going to die, but one day I suddenly knew I was going to die.  It became very real.  I changed almost over night.

 

An assumption that is sometimes made is that if someone is not fit, or not into working out or physically active recreation, that they are somehow broken.  That's not really true.  I think we have that mindset because a lot of us were unfit (and still are but wanting to get fit) and see our former selves as broken.  For example, my wife is an academic.  She has many degrees, speaks many languages, and her favourite activities include galleries, stage theatre, rock concerts, museums, opera, etc... Her idea of camping is the spa.  Her idea of a workout is taking photographs or walking to the coffee shop. 

 

For my friend and his relationship with his wife, it has lead to temporary seperations, infidelity, and a sometimes adversarial relationship.  For my wife and I, we're much more indifferent about it.  However, at times it feels like we're more roommates than an actual couple.  (It's probably worth adding that we have no children, nor do we have any plans for children.)

[I-Jo]

I can tell you it's very frustrating- I'm incredibly busy and dancing and working out are a huge portion of my life.  My BF used to be big into MT and was incredibly fit (so the pictures suggest)... I met him he was a bit squishy and unconcerned.

 

He seems to still be a bit squishy and unconcerned.

And that's 3 years later.  I've been as supportive and helpful as possible without nagging.  It still came across as nagging (he said so) and I do not consider myself a "nag"... but any time I aska bout his workout- he balks like I'm digging through his phone.  He knows I know what I'm talking about- but refuses to ask or deal with it- it's a classic case of SO cannot be told or helped.  

 

You cannot- and will never be able to MAKE them change- the absolutely 100% have to want to do it on their own. 

 

We do not live together- and I suspect it will cause issues when we do live together because I don't mind going to do more physically challenging things and he's just such an awkward person- he also HATES the gym- insists he can do what needs without it (which I agree he can- but that only counts if he you know... actually does it)

 

so yes- you will be frustrated and yes you will be concerned- and if you are like me- yes you will be made that you put a lot of work into your body that your partner gets to appreciate and then flip side doesn't give a rats ass that they are giving you nothing desirable other than personality. 

 

it's annoying- it's sometimes insulting. I'm deeply hurt that he doesn't seem to care about what I think- I know looks aren't everything but not even trying is frustrating.

 

But you will not b e able to change them- keep doing the things you love- be supportive- go for walks do something not intimidating for them- activities that are low impact and fun... but you can't push them to change- you can just be a good example and do your best.

 

(that being said- I have a rough 50 lb rule- and he knows it- 25 lbs we have a talky talk and- and 50 lbs we are going to have a serious sit down come to jesus talk- I will not date someone who is obese- I will not be married to someone who is obese- I refuse- and yes- I'd leave) 

[Silo]

Oops. I was thinking of your statement about lifestyle changes not being embraced by the other part as there being more of a problem than there actually is. Sorry about that!

 

I think I feel like I would not say anything to my husband about gaining weight or exercising more because he never did it to me. We have been together for a long time--all through high school and I am 37 now. I went from too skinny/average fitness to obese and he never said anything about losing weight (not even the gentlest of comments.) That is something that I appreciated, even though I was beating myself up over it, so I feel like I should return the favor (though he's a different person so his reaction might be different than mine would have.) He has been trying to get more fit (lose weight, exercise) off and on but it just hasn't clicked for him yet. He hasn't really found a form of exercise that really appeals to him. He was an athlete through high school but he liked sports for the sports, not for the exercise. I have encouraged him to join a recreational soccer or basketball league but he hasn't wanted to. I bring it up from time to time, just to plant a seed.

[Disil]

A lot of good things have been said already so I'll focus on what I think hasn't been adressed so far. Ripple mentioned 2 major points, but from personal experience, I'd say there's at least a third, big factor: Looks. If two people are together and they're fine and suddelny one of them starts transforming to a certain degree, either one of two things is pretty likely to happen: 1) The one that hasn't transformed becomes extremely self-conscious/jealous now that his/her partner has changed so much and feels threatened which can lead to all sorts of things, good and bad (motivation to transform themselves, motivation to break up and everything inbetween). 2) The one that has transformed begins to distance himself, because (s)he is the only one "evolving" while the other is standing still. This isn't just about looks, but that can be a huge part in it. Often, fit and healthy people attract other fit and healthy people and it's not uncommon for the suddenly fit part in a relationship to discover that he can, excuse the word here, "upgrade". That's not to say that other factors don't matter or that a relationship is doomed by default if one part does undergo drastic lifestyle changes while the other doesn't (Waldo giving the perfect example, eventually leading to both parts transforming), but that is what I've experienced/seen in other people's relationships.

[Disil]

doublepost,

[MogiShade]

 2) The one that has transformed begins to distance himself, because (s)he is the only one "evolving" while the other is standing still.

 

This is the crux, I think.  And it transcends just fitness or aesthetics.  It could be any lifestyle change, such as going off the grid, choosing to pursue a dream, going back to school, etc... After a decade, some people change and change radically indipendant of their life partner.

[Zorch]

So while most people argue against it, if my wife wouldn't have given me crap about my weight, I'd still be fat.

 

I don't know that there's one universal "right" answer in that situation - it's really an individual matter, and different people respond differently to various types of "encouragement".  Just like the best coaches know how to work the mental aspects of a game and motivate their players, in a healthy relationship one generally has at least some idea which approaches might work well with one's partner, versus which ones might backfire.  Granted, we won't be right 100% of the time, but understanding this aspect of one's partner's personality is important to any healthy relationship over the long run, fitness issues or not.

 

I'll tell you what, when both of you are extremely fit, the sex is out of this world.

 

Also, this.  Seriously.

[Ripple]

Moji - The background helps. From your original post I honestly assumed that these relationships were both dating relationships, not long standing marriages and I apologize if I sounded judgmental at all. So not my intent, just sharing what works for us! 

 

You and your wife sound so much like my husband and I. Honestly, sometimes we really have to make an effort to spend quality time together. People often think our relationship is weird - especially with the solo traveling I do for music (often with male friends, which is another discussion all together). It takes a lot of communication and effort on our part but it does work for us, and I honestly cannot imagine being married to someone who wanted to be my shadow.

 

Honest and completely non-judgmental question - do you feel like you are roommates because you wish you had more time together, or because you are judging your relationship by someone else's standards? Does it legitimately bother you that she won't join you for outdoor adventures, or are you looking at the couples who do those things together and judging your relationship based on theirs?  An example from my own relationship - Once upon a time I really wished that my husband would come see more live music with  me. However, I have come to the conclusion that I am glad he does not. He would be miserable, I would know it, and neither one of us would have a good time. When he does go to a show with me, I choose carefully - making sure it's something that is accessible to him and that it's an environment that he would be comfortable in. We go just the two of us, not in a big group, so that I can discuss the music with him one on one and engage him in something I love. 

 

It sounds like you and your wife have the communication thing down, even if you're still working out what your needs and wants are as you evolve personally.As for your friend, it honestly sounds like they would benefit from counseling. Changes and rifts happen in a relationship and it takes a lot of open, honest communication to work through those changes for both partners and to find common ground. As you said, a radical lifestyle change can absolutely change the dynamics in a relationship. There are only two real options for a couple facing this: find a way to work through it together, or watch the relationship deteriorate as both parties take sides. 

[MogiShade]

Moji - The background helps. From your original post I honestly assumed that these relationships were both dating relationships, not long standing marriages and I apologize if I sounded judgmental at all. So not my intent, just sharing what works for us! 

 

You and your wife sound so much like my husband and I. Honestly, sometimes we really have to make an effort to spend quality time together. People often think our relationship is weird - especially with the solo traveling I do for music (often with male friends, which is another discussion all together). It takes a lot of communication and effort on our part but it does work for us, and I honestly cannot imagine being married to someone who wanted to be my shadow.

 

Honest and completely non-judgmental question - do you feel like you are roommates because you wish you had more time together, or because you are judging your relationship by someone else's standards? Does it legitimately bother you that she won't join you for outdoor adventures, or are you looking at the couples who do those things together and judging your relationship based on theirs?  An example from my own relationship - Once upon a time I really wished that my husband would come see more live music with  me. However, I have come to the conclusion that I am glad he does not. He would be miserable, I would know it, and neither one of us would have a good time. When he does go to a show with me, I choose carefully - making sure it's something that is accessible to him and that it's an environment that he would be comfortable in. We go just the two of us, not in a big group, so that I can discuss the music with him one on one and engage him in something I love. 

 

It sounds like you and your wife have the communication thing down, even if you're still working out what your needs and wants are as you evolve personally.As for your friend, it honestly sounds like they would benefit from counseling. Changes and rifts happen in a relationship and it takes a lot of open, honest communication to work through those changes for both partners and to find common ground. As you said, a radical lifestyle change can absolutely change the dynamics in a relationship. There are only two real options for a couple facing this: find a way to work through it together, or watch the relationship deteriorate as both parties take sides. 

 

 

Good question.  Our careers further complicate the issue.  We live in the country.  She day commutes east, and I weekly commute west.  So I am only home three days a week (except holidays).  Since I work in the city, I don't get to do all the stuff I love.  So I spend most of my weekend playing outside.  We go out for dinner, usually with mutual friends, once a week.  The rest of our time together is in passing at meals.  Also, I work Wed-Sat, she works Mon-Fri.  So even if I do stay at home, she's not there anyway.  The roommate observation is more matter of fact, we come and go at different times.

 

Does it bother me that she doesn't "play outside"?  Well, that's complicated.  I would say, no, on an... objective/logical/intellectual... whatever level.  But when I am out running trails and I see a couple together, or when I am at the gym climbing fake rocks with my climbing partner and I see a couple together, I do get a twinge of envy and, sometimes, loneliness.  It's rather odd.  And after I watch my climbing partner over come a challenging climb, or I finally complete a route that I had failed at previously, I sort of wish I could share it with her. 

 

On a tangent, I have an interesting story.  (Well, interesting to me at least.)  A couple years back when I first decided to get into kayaking, I signed up for a group kayaking thingy at a kayak/outdoor shop.  I went out with two guides/instructors and a group of other novices.  It was a "paddle and pint", where we kayak for a couple hours then go for a pint.  The head guide was in his late fifties and came off quite douchey, but the junior instructor seemed like a pretty cool guy.  There six of us novices in the group.  Of the other five, one was a guy and the remaining four, as I am sure you can deduce, were women.  So paddle, paddle, paddle, yada yada yada... we're back at the pub.

 

The junior guide was charged with returning the yaks to the store, so he wasn't there.  That was too bad.  I was looking forward to talking to him.  The senior guide went on and on about all of his exploits, most of which were rather unremarkable and spoken with heavy ladings of egotism.  I got the impression he was trying to impress all the ladies.  OK, I get that.  The other guy, the fellow novice, was clearly interested in the girls.  When it was clear they had no interest in him, he tried to talk to me about team sports, of which I know nothing.  He later seemed content to watch the television. 

 

Now, all four of the girls had boyfriends - not surprising, they were all attractive.  However, they all kept going on about how great their BFs were; how proficient they were at paddling and trail running, how they compete in adventure racing, etc... The instructor would tell a story about how he did this that and the other thing, and then the girls would reply with more cool stories about their superhero boyfriends.  The whole time I thought, if they are avid paddlers, trail runners, and adventure racers; why are they not taking you out?  Why are you signed up to a rather anonymous meetup?  How is it you've all been involved with these guys for so long but have never sat in a kayak?  I am sure there are probably lots of reasonable answers, some of which I can think of, but it all still seemed rather peculiar to me. 

[I-Jo]

  An example from my own relationship - Once upon a time I really wished that my husband would come see more live music with  me. However, I have come to the conclusion that I am glad he does not. He would be miserable, I would know it, and neither one of us would have a good time. When he does go to a show with me, I choose carefully - making sure it's something that is accessible to him and that it's an environment that he would be comfortable in. We go just the two of us, not in a big group, so that I can discuss the music with him one on one and engage him in something I love.

 

dear lord is this a valuable point.  seriously.  I'm incredibly social- BF not so much. I love bars- I love my hookah place that's a little clubbish- I love dance events. He's about 75% miserable 24% ambivelant and 1% happy he's with me watching me be happy.   I only invite him to shows where I can sit with him and am not a dancing a large number of performances thus leaving him alone for upwards of 4 hours at a strange event. 

 

So I do lots on my own- and like you say- chose carefully when you do want to over lap. 

 

Now, all four of the girls had boyfriends - not surprising, they were all attractive.  However, they all kept going on about how great their BFs were; how proficient they were at paddling and trail running, how they compete in adventure racing, etc... The instructor would tell a story about how he did this that and the other thing, and then the girls would reply with more cool stories about their superhero boyfriends.  The whole time I thought, if they are avid paddlers, trail runners, and adventure racers; why are they not taking you out?  Why are you signed up to a rather anonymous meetup?  How is it you've all been involved with these guys for so long but have never sat in a kayak?  I am sure there are probably lots of reasonable answers, some of which I can think of, but it all still seemed rather peculiar to me. 

 

 

2 reasons 

1.) many girls can sniff out attraction - or at least the potential trap of getting stuck in a propsal- such as the situation you are in- so by dragging BF dearest up- it protects them from jealous BF issues- and keeps potential suitors from making a mistake.  I will not do it all the time but often if I meet someone with questionable motives- I will say- yeah my BF and I both ride. it's an easy out for them and protects us both from rejection.

 

2.) being taught by your SO is hard. On my sport bike forum we ALWAYS recommend the SO take a riding course rather than having the one who knows teach. Sure it can be expensive- but  a minor correction made by an instructor can come across as judgmental and disapproving from someone you love.  BF's the same way- tried to teach him to squat- in a matter of 10 minutes it disintegrated into complete contempt and disgust and just an ugly situation. Few people can do it but most- cannot.

 

it's good policy to NEVER teach them things when a professional can do it. you can share riding/whatever experiences AFTER he/she learns. 

[Tanuki]

In a slightly different twist: my husband has always been fit, mostly cycling, good diet and martial arts. Just a lifestyle thing - no gyms, no muscle theory or anything. When I met him I'd just moved out from a home where food was considered something you did in the microwave and sport/moving was for idiots. I was already breaking free of that - we met at martial arts - and I took up his interest in mountain biking. So we walk, bike and eat well to this day. We let things lapse - fitness-wise, weight's always been fine - when the babies were born, but he started going to the gym to keep on top of things and because I was encouraging him to get out biking again. Meanwhile, I decided to strengthen my post-pregnancy core... and that's how I got here.

 

So he's coming home from the gym, where he sticks solely to the machines and the spin bike, and I'm focusing on weights and bodyweight stuff. I didn't judge. I didn't criticise. I thought we were on the same page enjoying the same thing. But he quickly begins to make comments about me 'reading rubbish on the internet' and how eating protein is 'nonsense'. My neat, elbows-in pushups are 'wrong' as he feels arms should always be wide. He even managed to snap out how 'stupid' the idea of making a weight at home with sand or cement was, before he thought about what he was saying and concluded he was wrong. The only thing he says about my weight is 'stop getting so thin'. He seems to automatically leap to the assumption that what I'm doing is 'stupid' because what he's doing is obviously so much better.

 

I did the oft-repeated advice of shutting up entirely about it and letting him watch the results.

 

So I shed 4kg, develop a bit of ab definition and killer shoulders, and I crank out the pushups and pullups, I lift the weights. He begins to try it too. I am gentle and encouraging, as he can't do more than a couple of pushups, no pullups, and can do fewer reps than me on the weights. He expresses surprise that he can find a move difficult with 5kg at home when he uses a machine that tells him he can lift lots more, but still says machines are 'the best way'.

 

He has now spent three weeks talking about how he's going to do dumbbells and free weights, he's going to do a bodyweight routine, he's going to do this or that... but he doesn't. He tried out some leg-raises on the ground while I watched, and after he'd done 8 he declared he'd done 24. When I achieved 5 pullups, he told me how he'd done 'loads more than that' on a pullup machine. When I ask if he's tried the gym dumbbells yet he says 'no, not yet' but then slips in to conversation that he's lifting '50kg dumbbells at the gym'. Really? A guy who can hardly use 5kg at home does 50kg outside it?

 

So yeah, he's jealous. And probably lying a bit. And I do kind of get how odd it must feel to be a tall, athletic guy who's been reasonably cardio-fit his whole life and then some diminutive girl practises a bit at home and can suddenly lift more weight than you. But the solution is surely to drop and pushup yourself, or pick up the weights right there by your feet, instead of petty snipes and scorn. It's really out of character for him - he's always been so laid back and not caring what people think or do, and suddenly he's puffed up like a peacock with envy. Very unattractive.

 

Once again I'm taking the never-talk-about-it response and keeping it all to myself, but it doesn't create good feeling really. I have no one to share victories with, and he sounds sillier with every ill-thought out statement that's basically just playing opposite-day with what I say. ("Push-ups really work my core!"  "Push-ups don't work the core, they work only ARMS.")

 

I'm sure things will improve when he gets down to actually doing some of the exercises he says he will.

 

No advice, I'm useless In terms of doing things together it's difficult - some thrive on being able to do things alone, others want to do them together. One evolving can create resentment in the evolver and the other - and, it would seem, childish jealousy. Right now I got no solutions.

[Disil]

Wow, hats off Tanuki. I would go CRAZY if my partner did that, so playing the shut up and achieve game is really admirable, but to have to face more scorn and bullshit even after getting those results which simply are undeniable? I couldn't cope, that I know. Unfortunately I don't know a good solution either. I thought of just having you go to the gym together so you can work the free weights there together, but having you lift equal to or more than him would probably be more embarrassing than anything to him, so not a good idea. Men usually like to think of things to be their own idea, even if they're not, so if you could find a way for him to understand what you do, by implanting something that he deems was his own doing/idea, that could be a way, but that's pretty difficult at that stage. My ex-gf did this all the time, but rather subtle and with things like clothes or decoration, where she'd hint subtly at things and I'd shrug it off as "nonsense" or that "I don't care" or I'm only half listening, and then a week or month or half a year later I do exactly what she said and act as if it was my glorious idea. Of course in retrospect, I realize what she did, but at the time I really didn't, so it was kind of a way for her to help steer me in a certain direction without really realizing it.

[I-Jo]

No advice, I'm useless   In terms of doing things together it's difficult - some thrive on being able to do things alone, others want to do them together. One evolving can create resentment in the evolver and the other - and, it would seem, childish jealousy. Right now I got no solutions.

 

you have a solution- you are being patient- you know he is trying to compensate and snipe.

 

You ARE doing the right thing.

 

I concur- HATS OFF_ there is no way I could deal with that- I'm very forward and open and I DEFINITELY do not deal with that well- you are a better mate than me!!!. LOL

[Tanuki]

I'm hoping that's how it happens. He starts reading more, and more importantly doing more, and feeling progress, and then he'll start sharing 'his' ideas I'll update here when he comes home declaring "You know, I just read this thing about eating more protein...!" or starts stealing my shakes

 

'Cause he will. And I'll be all "Gosh that's so interesting!"

[Beaucastle]

subbed for later

[Ricardo8p]

 We pretty much do everything together (outside of the workday

[Silo]

For me, my exercise is my alone time because I like my alone time. Well that plus the way our schedule works out, we have only about an hour each day together without the kid in tow and we'd rather not spend it exercising in the basement.

[tomocalypse]

This is all fantastic advice.

 

Not in a relationship right now, but in my last one (2 years together) both our weights ballooned, to the point where it was really damaging to the relationship... especially intimately.

What I take from it is to not let being happy with someone else mean you can stop trying to improve yourself.

Ended up very unhappy with myself physically, because someone else liking me and being happy to see me naked despite the encroaching pounds kinda killed off all motivation to get fitter. Of course I should've been doing it for myself.

 

On another note, towards the end of that relationship she had gained so much more than me, that she didn't want me to get any fitter. It was easier to keep on growing fatter together. She openly told me that she didn't want me to try and get in shape, as it made her feel bad about herself... Which is just retarded.

So yeah, I'd say try not to be with someone who will drag you down to make them feel better about themselves.

In the end I'm glad I got out of that relationship, I'm a hell of a lot healthier for it.

Obviously this would not apply for those of you posting about your marriages and very long term relationships, but I wouldn't know about those.

 

Great reading your stories guys, giving me some fantastic tips and ideas for how to handle whatever issues like this come up in the future.