Depression

[kaelvan]

http://www.marcandangel.com/2014/06/18/15-toxic-thoughts-you-need-to-drop-for-a-better-life/

Only sat and cry over this for few minutes

[AlterStephen]

http://www.marcandangel.com/2014/06/18/15-toxic-thoughts-you-need-to-drop-for-a-better-life/

Only sat and cry over this for few minutes

Number three struck a chord with me. I stutter, so having to deal with that when trying to say something important (or even anything at all sometimes) is difficult. I've grown to not really say anything in certain situations, because I know I won't be able to say it very well so I kinda rationalize it away by saying to myself it's not very important anyway. My stuttering isn't NEARLY as severe as it was back in high school, but it's still a problem and still something I viciously hate about myself.

[Lalie Fanyarendil]

Really wishing I were courageous enough to burn the bridge with my parents right now. I agreed to spend the night here Christmas Eve (What was I thinking???) to make the day trip to my grandmother's house on Christmas day easier. When I got here my mother was out doing errands, and she was only in for about ten minutes before leaving for another errand. But she is in a bad mood, and that ten minutes has already sent my anxiety levels through the roof. Why do I even try to think of ways to cheer her up? Pretty sure she doesn't want to and likes being a martyr, she shoots down my offers. I'm feeling so nervous about what she'll be acting like when she gets back. She doesn't try to hurt me or anything, so I don't know that I'm even justified in feeling like this, but it's such a tense and poisonous atmosphere.

 

I'm really tempted to clear out of here and do Christmas on my own. That's why I drove myself here instead of taking them up on their offer to pick me up--so I'm not trapped. But if I do something that dramatic then my sister will be stuck in an even worse atmosphere. Argh.

 

I'm really glad I have someone to whine to, guys.

[Candace Koller]

Something my therapist taught me is that you should just feel whatever it is you feel and that it is bad to "should" on yourself (tell yourself what you should be feeling). He says feelings are a bit like wild horses. You can try to control them but it doesn't really work that way and it was never meant to. It's our actions we control, not our emotions. You are 100% right about anything you feel no matter what others say about it. It doesn't need to be justified and lack of justification won't make it change. He also says the why of feelings is rarely important. Sometimes they just pop up and that is not a bad thing.

 

I grew up with anger being a very big no-no. I was also taught that emotions should always be under your control, otherwise you are allowing them to control you. I'm now learning that is bunk.

I had to learn that being angry at someone is ok. Being angry at someone and punching their lights out in a fit of rage, not ok. Now that's being controlled by your emotions, just having them is not.

[Candace Koller]

Hit post too soon by mistake.

 

Anyway, the point I was trying to make is that if you feel nervous, the why is not really the most important part and justifying or not justifying it doesn't usually accomplish a useful thing and instead often results in guilt or negative feelings which it sounds like will make your situation worse.

Holidays can be rough. It's important to go easy on yourself. And don't forget to take care of yourself. First and foremost you need to look out for you.

[SjardisDead]

How do you know that you have depression?

[Lalie Fanyarendil]

You are right. I try to keep that in mind about emotions when I'm talking to other people, but I never want to let it apply to myself. And I take all sorts of stuff from my mother that she would never take from me. Why? I've been over this in therapy before. Maybe I've been unwilling to acknowledge things my mother has done/said as emotional/psychological abuse because I don't know that she means them to be hurtful and I'm not sure if others would agree with the label. But I think that's what it is. While she was out the second time I started chopping vegetables for dinner and realized that my hands were shaking and I was trying really hard not to cry. I couldn't name any particular thing that I was worried would happen when she got back--I was just generally worried about what would happen when she got back. (What happened was she got pissed because nobody had done something that she hadn't mentioned needed doing.) She was in a lot better mood after church so I made it through the evening and today okay.

 

I'd hoped that things would get better once I'd moved out because I'm not financially dependent on them anymore, but I realize now that they're not. I think I need to have plans in place to burn that bridge if I need to. I've been thinking about that today.

1. Always have an escape route. Don't agree to spend the night again. Don't let my father do any maintenance to my car anymore. (I appreciate it when he does, but he does it without asking or even telling me that he's doing something. This often keeps me unable to leave when I need to.)
2. To facilitate part 3 of the above, I've sneaked my spare car key off their key hanger and stowed it in my safe. I think they have the spare key to the safe, but they don't have a spare key to my apartment. I think I may have remembered where my mother is keeping the key, I can look for it the next time I go over there.
3. Back up my phone more regularly. I've set the passcode to erase all data after enough fails now. Because of a recent incident where my mother, meaning well, sent a friend of mine a mean e-mail over an accidental incident that didn't involve my mother and made my friend feel awful.
4. Contact doctors and revoke my parents' permission to receive medical information about me.
5. If the time comes to cut ties with my parents, be ready to cut ties with my sister too. She can restore them if she wants, but that's the only thing I can think of that might help prevent her getting caught in the middle.

[Leimanu]

d

[Hit]

If you are actually concerned you have depression, you should really go see a psychologist. Like, really really. Like, dont do internet tests. Dont sit around reading other peoples descriptions. Go see a professional and talk to them.

But treat it like an illness, cos thats what it is. You wouldnt google how to reset a broken arm. Youd go to emergency. Psychs train for 4 years minimum, the ones you see in session are clinical psychs and they have up to 7 years of schooling. These people know what they're doing, they know what they're talking about, and they know how to help.

Hell even if you dont think you have depression, seeing a psych can be great for your headspace. Same way you get a check up from your gp now and then. Or a scale and clean from a dentist.

Tldr - go see a psychologist.

[Lalie Fanyarendil]

Agree about going to see a psychologist if at all possible. It's too hard to try to use one's reasoning abilities to self-diagnose something that's wrong with one's reasoning abilities. (I couldn't have done it, anyway.) An official diagnosis was horrible for my ability to get health insurance but life-changing for everything else. Sometimes there will be issues that seem to be completely unrelated but actually come from the same problem, or they feed on each other and you didn't realize it.

 

My experience: if something is bothering you enough to interfere with or otherwise impact your day-to-day life, it is worth seeing a professional about it. Even if you can't put your finger on it, a good psychologist will be able to help you figure out what it is. Other people's opinions about what should impact you and how it should impact you here are irrelevant.

[kaelvan]

Anyone else had their depression used against them this holiday because I have. Great to know my mom has such mature way of handling me. Because we all know kicking and screamscream (and blaming everything on med) at your daughter is the right thing to do

[Leimanu]

Anyone else had their depression used against them this holiday because I have. Great to know my mom has such mature way of handling me. Because we all know kicking and screamscream (and blaming everything on med) at your daughter is the right thing to do

 

Sorry.    

[Ahyar Dreamspark]

Anyone else had their depression used against them this holiday because I have. Great to know my mom has such mature way of handling me. Because we all know kicking and screamscream (and blaming everything on med) at your daughter is the right thing to do

 

//hugs

 

I haven't really had it used against me, but this year's holiday meltdown was nonetheless induced by the usual "you're just not trying hard enough!" and "think positive!" statements being roared at me while I was doing some last-minute job hunting.

 

It was less horrible than last year's holiday meltdown, at least.

[Machete]

Anyone else had their depression used against them this holiday because I have. Great to know my mom has such mature way of handling me. Because we all know kicking and screamscream (and blaming everything on med) at your daughter is the right thing to do

 

//hugs

 

I haven't really had it used against me, but this year's holiday meltdown was nonetheless induced by the usual "you're just not trying hard enough!" and "think positive!" statements being roared at me while I was doing some last-minute job hunting.

 

It was less horrible than last year's holiday meltdown, at least.

 

Ain't nobody got time fo' that. Families can be real bozos sometimes.

 

That's probably by I woke up somewhere around 9 and stared at a wall until about 6 when I eventually convinced myself that I should probably get off my bed before gangrene sets in. I think I need a dog.

 

[kaelvan]

I should be use to being told I'm manipulating miserable brat (am I?). But I didn't even doing anything, except have hard time staying still.

[MaD MaLKaV]

I was really surprised that I caused my wife to meltdown this holiday season. I felt like crap and all but like I was maintaining a lot of my absolute necessary obligations while not taking on anymore than I had to, but apparently she kept quiet until she had to blow up on me about how she was tired of me not getting up some days, not getting dressed, or taking showers, etc. As I was mostly stuck in my head, I honestly hadn't noticed how far I had gone off-course... But when she told me if that's how I was gonna be then I could just move upstairs, I got tired of soak g that up tok and told her "Cool. Then get the F outta my room now." And put on my headphones... Fortunately mutually apologies ensued late and we had a talk...

Either way, that's uncharacteristic for her, which is lucky for me since I love her but couldn't generally take the extra stress when I'm already down. It is good to remember that even the "sane" folks are dealing with lots though, especially at this time of year, and sometimes you gotta take a deep breath. Family is family and cutting ties hurts all involved parties, unless the situation is truly unlivable or involes actual abuse.

End ramble.

[MaD MaLKaV]

Hmm. Not entirely sure why that came out now, but I think I've needed to tell someone for a while but don't really have anyone to tell but my wife. I'm not entirely sure if I feel like I've told someone now, since folks on the Internet don't entirely seem "real" (no offense). At least I don't tend to think of the people on this forum with the generic A-holes on the Internet I tend to liberally apply elsewhere anymore.

[Leimanu]

Either way, that's uncharacteristic for her, which is lucky for me since I love her but couldn't generally take the extra stress when I'm already down. It is good to remember that even the "sane" folks are dealing with lots though, especially at this time of year, and sometimes you gotta take a deep breath. Family is family and cutting ties hurts all involved parties, unless the situation is truly unlivable or involes actual abuse.

 

Hey Mad.  Thanks for sharing.  That's why there's a whole depression thread.

 

t is good to remember that the "normals" are stressed out too.  Depression puts you in this bell jar, as Sylvia Plath put it, so you're so stuck in your own head.  My father and I are going through a move/hard time together and it's triggered my depression.  It's only every now and then that I would think, wait, Dad's having a hard time, too.  It's easy to forget because of the WW2 generation where they don't show a lot of emotion.  Instead of being a team, I withdraw.

[kaelvan]

Hmm. Not entirely sure why that came out now, but I think I've needed to tell someone for a while but don't really have anyone to tell but my wife. I'm not entirely sure if I feel like I've told someone now, since folks on the Internet don't entirely seem "real" (no offense). At least I don't tend to think of the people on this forum with the generic A-holes on the Internet I tend to liberally apply elsewhere anymore.

Sometimes I feel like everyone on NF forums aren't real, just bots that I talk to because I have no RL friends (wow I know how to lighten up the mood)

[Leimanu]

Here's what I found when I Google searched for "cute robot nerd"

 

[MaD MaLKaV]

Sometimes I feel like everyone on NF forums aren't real, just bots that I talk to because I have no RL friends (wow I know how to lighten up the mood)

I'm glad I'm not the only one! Well, unless I am.

Don't worry, the mood was kinda shot once someone typed in the topic as "Depression," but it didn't keep us away.

[MaD MaLKaV]

It's easy to forget because of the WW2 generation where they don't show a lot of emotion.  Instead of being a team, I withdraw.

My grandfather was my role model growing up, so I have a tendency of trying to silently bear my cross. At least until the load becomes enough to crumple me in a corner. My wife always tells me to let her know when I'm suffering, where I don't feel much point in telling her since she can't do anything to help anyway and hope that if she can't tell then I must be doing a good job not being noticeably overwhelmed by it all.

Anyway, better night tonight, except the headaches I've had since having my dosages adjusted last week.

Now I want a cute robot nerd. I may have to snag that pic for a logon screen image or something.

[Teros]

Baby steps.  I was 360 when I got here. I lost 60 pounds over a year.

 

This, this right here; I took a picture of and got through 3/4 of a spartan race, despite being 300 pounds last sunday

I kept it in my shirt pocket the whole time.

I would like to update this.

 

I've lost 70 pounds and...

 

 

 

The little blue satyr head necklace is hollow. You can see that I took a picture of my wall and shrunk it down to wallet-sized and put it in that satyr head. I ran my second spartan with people on NF and I beat it.

 

People who care can make all the difference.

[Leimanu]

 

 

The little blue satyr head necklace is hollow. You can see that I took a picture of my wall and shrunk it down to wallet-sized and put it in that satyr head. I ran my second spartan with people on NF and I beat it.

 

People who care can make all the difference.

 

That's amazing!  And you're amazing!  I"m so inspired.

[AlterStephen]

I'm sorry for hijacking this happy thing going on. And I'm sorry for being such a sad sack. But things aren't going well. I don't want to get into a lot of detail, but I feel like my best friend might not be my best friend anymore here pretty soon, I'm hating myself more and more lately, and my smile at work and around my family is becoming more and more fake. I know how awful it is for me to say that, but I don't know what to do these days. I'm scared and I feel like all my friends are abandoning me, and I know feeling like that is a common characteristic of borderline personality disorder, so I keep trying to tell myself it's just the depression talking, or what have you, but pretending I'm okay is getting very difficult. I can't do it anymore. Even doing the bare minimum of what I'm supposed to do at work is frustrating and exhausting. I feel like I'm screwing up left and right, and on top of that I feel stuck. I don't hate my job necessarily, but I don't want to work there forever, but due to various circumstances I can't just up and leave right now, and I can't find a job that pays better that doesn't require a college degree, which I don't have at the moment.

 

I just had to say that.