I know venting on the internets might be a bad idea but....

[bananandrea]

I am very hurt and irritated. And I might just be over reacting cause its just opening an already sore wound. But I am so upset I just want to either break down and cry or just scream or just eat some ice cream.

So. A little while ago, I asked my grandma for help paying to fix the brakes in my car cause they had to get replaced. She responds by telling me her and my grandpa decided that if I wanted to live on my own, I needed to live on my own and not expect any help from them. I got pissed and said fine, then don't ask me how I am doing and don't expect me to ask you for help with anything anymore. Well, my grandmothers dad died on Saturday and my parents+little brother came up to Iowa for the week to help out my g-grandmother with somethings. I decide to put all my anger aside and help out keep my brother occupied at my grandparents and be there for my grandma in this rough time. I don't mention anything about how pissed and hurt I still am about how rude she was to me. Things were going great until today, they asked me about my car, and then my grandpa was like "Derpa derpa derr. I can't believe that you paid that much to get your brakes replaced. Only one brake was broken. You didn't need to get both back brakes replaced. I can't believe you did that.... You should have called me." Then I was like, "No. I was not going to call you. You told me if I was going to live on my own, I shouldn't ask for help. So. I didn't. You were rude to me and said that, so I responded by doing exactly what you wanted me to do." Well then I got an earful on how my grandma has NEVER been rude to me (even though she has been so rude to me that it has left me in tears before) and how I am such an awful granddaughter (Even though I took an entire week off work to help them and be there for them because I am a bigger person and this is a really rough time for our family) and on and on. Finally I said- "Really? I tried to put everything aside. I did not plan on bringing this up or anything because NOW IS NOT THE TIME. This visit is about my parents and our family in general and being there for each other. So I was not going to bring it up, and I was going to enjoy everyones company. And I was doing great until you guys had to bring up the brakes again." Then they are like. Ok. Fine. And went back to watching their football game.

Leaving me hurt and upset and not sure what to do. I have been here since Monday and leave tomorrow evening. I seriously was doing great at putting things behind me. Seriously.

Thoughts?

[VolFan21]

I feel ya, I've had issues like that with family. I think you pretty much told them how you felt and honestly that's pretty much all you can do in a situation like that. Sometimes the only some family members can do is criticize --I dont know why but they do. Just focus on trying to rise above the situation, let your anger out..not necessarily at them but don't harbor it and let it turn into bitterness. Try to deal with it the best way that you can and just live your life for you. If they are going to give you shit I wouldn't ask them for anything..this does two good things..you rely more on yourself and your independence and they have no reason to give you crap for anything.

[Guest Snake McClain]

Banana I understand COMPLETELY. My family has always treated me with a bit of a disregard. I won't get into details but I know what you mean. this is what i did.

I researched the living F$^# out of EVERYTHING. when I needed something on my car i just asked every person in the world. got online. called autozone and every parts store. finding the simplest solution. I just stopped asking family for help or advice. Just did it all on my own and made a distance between me and them. They noticed. FOR SURE. then they wondered why i don't come to family birthdays anymore and it's all like, "well hey you didn't exactly make it clear that you wanted me around so i stopped coming around." They'll get the message. Just use that motivation to do other things better and improve yourself.

[Guest Snake McClain]

Also i'd say if there is a place on the internet safe for venting it is this site. Everyone here seems so cool.

[Orangutan]

Yeah it sucks being the family punching bag. The secret is to give as good as you get. Treat them like the shit they are. But don't start anything. Respond to what they do with as much force as you can muster but don't sink to their level and be cruel for no reason whatsoever.

[pinupgeek]

I know how you feel--my dad and I were the only ones who stayed with my grandma at the hospital after my grandfather died and we're still the black sheep of the family. The best way I've found to deal is to keep one thing in mind: Whatever my actions are, I make sure it's so I know I can look back and say I did the right thing, and tried. It's really hard to do sometimes, but you end up feeling like the bigger person and knowing you can be proud of yourself rather than sinking to their level. And I agree with Bruce--learn to do things on your own and improve yourself. Not only does it come in hand, but it's a better use of your energy!

[Guest Snake McClain]

The best way I've found to deal is to keep one thing in mind: Whatever my actions are, I make sure it's so I know I can look back and say I did the right thing, and tried. It's really hard to do sometimes, but you end up feeling like the bigger person and knowing you can be proud of yourself rather than sinking to their level. !

There it is. I feel if I can't live this way I'm miserable. Carrying all that anger and mean intentions with me is just awful. Doing the right thing makes me feel better. We all have someone to vent to in our lives. Even if it's only on nerdfitness. You can come and tell us 'hey my gramps is being a dbagger' and we'll listen. It's a lot better for you than going off on him and doing something mean.

[jenas77]

I've always been the black sheep of my family. Almost everyone in my family has or has had a problem alcohol or drugs. But I'm the one that they expect to be perfect. But I'm the the one to get an earfull for not being the perfect child like they expect. but when my cousin steals from me, my mom, and our grandmom because he needs money for drugs no one screams at him or expects him to pay it back. Sorry now I'm starting to vent.

But since I was little I've learned it was easier to keep to myself and do things for myself. It's a lot easier than trying to get help from people that treat you like shit but expect help in return.

[Shaun1105]

So. A little while ago, I asked my grandma for help paying to fix the brakes in my car cause they had to get replaced. She responds by telling me her and my grandpa decided that if I wanted to live on my own, I needed to live on my own and not expect any help from them. I got pissed and said fine, then don't ask me how I am doing and don't expect me to ask you for help with anything anymore.

....

Thoughts?

It isn't right for your grandparents or anyone else in your family to treat you rudely or disrespectfully. You are correct to stand up for yourself if and when situations arise. I also think venting on the internet is fine if it's in a place where people are supportive and respectful. This forum, from what limited time I've been on it, seems to be exactly those two things.

That being said, I think your grandparents' response to your request (had it been given in a loving way) was the correct one. Your response was immature and an overreaction (again, depending on how disrespectfully they gave the response).

It would be different if your transmission had blown, someone had hit your or another unexpected event had occurred. Brakes are routine maintenance, and rarely an emergency unless you've neglected them for a long time. If you're going to drive a car it's an expense that you simply must plan for and budget for.

What I'm saying is, perhaps you owe them an apology as much as they owe you one.

I sincerely hope your family can improve its communication style and relations with you and each other. All you can do is be respectful and in control of yourself - you can't control the reactions of others.