Proving it to myself

[Triysle]

Hi everyone.

 

I've been a lazy person my entire life.  I've been given so many opportunities and I've squandered all of them.

 

Joined the Army - never passed the PT test, never got past E-4 Specialist rank in 8 years of service.

 

Went to college - The Army paid for it.  Two years in, didn't work hard enough to pass a tough class.  Changed my major.  Got another hard class.  Quit.  120+ credits and no degree (and some debt.  The Army doesn't like to waste money).

 

Moved to California for a new job - Lived on fast food, gained 70lbs.  Lost the love of my life after 5 years, 3 of which she waited and waited for me to get healthy again.  

 

Wasted time and money on challenges like Tough Mudder and fitness programs -  and never worked hard enough to succeed at them.

 

I have made more excuses and allowed myself to find reasons for all of these failures.  And while it made me feel better at the time, I look back and all I see is a pattern of no results and nothing to show for anything.  I just see the past ten years of my adult life wasted.

 

I don't know if it's healthy to use self-anger as a source of motivation, but I feel like at this point it's all I have.  I don't love myself.  I can't pretend that I even like myself anymore.  I'm able to acknowledge that what I'm currently doing is a good thing - hit the gym three times a week, cook for myself instead of going out, walk places instead of drive.  

 

I'm excited to go in today and see what kind of gains I've made.  I've started keeping a written log that I take with me every day, and I want to be able to see my progress.  But I can't say that I'm happy right now...and honestly, I'm not confident.  I've tried and failed so many times that it's hard for me to believe I can succeed this time.  But I haven't given up yet, and I'm focusing on doing things one day at a time.

 

I can't afford the Academy right now, and I don't know when that will happen.  I'm hoping that by joining this community I can glean something, anything, to actually stick it out.  If I fail again, I don't think I'll ever be able to be happy with myself.  

 

I have to succeed this time.  I have to.

[Grundig]

Well , I only just started here - complete newb and completely by myself starting out in this whole fitness thing. But I tell ya even without the academy - the people and resources here are phenomenal. Any questions will be answered and support is in every forum. Just read around and post. 

 

If you have to do it, you will do it. Just find a buddy.

[SpecialSundae]

Hi! I'm Sundae and I was a failure for most of my adult life... Or thought I was.

I dropped out of university.

I was in a starter job in my late 20s.

I was fat.

I was lazy.

But actually...

I was in some kind of job.

I picked myself up and then picked up a barbell.

I lost weight.

I gained confidence.

I rolled on through the bad times.

Yeah, I'm still a massive underachiever but I'm still achieving something and you can too.

[Sqthreer]

Wow, you have certainly been through a lot. Much of what you mentioned is pretty recognizable to me... especially the continuous attempts and failures when things get hard. That seriously damaged my opinion of myself over years and years of it happening. It made me think I was a useless wimp who gave up when things get too difficult, which is an awful thing to think.

 

The one thing that really kept me going -which, from what you've said in your post, you have as well- is the fundamental strength to keep trying. You can't really fail at something like this until you give up. You gotta keep trying new things and even going back and trying old things until you get it. Trial and error seems to be the only effective strategy. Eventually, though (from personal experience) it leans more toward trial and success.

 

What you said about doing things one day at a time has been my general philosophy, however cliche it is. I've been finding that a lot of cliches exist for a reason, though; because they're true. "Patience is key", "One day at a time", "Don't beat yourself up", "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger", "Don't shit where you eat" etc. Most people disregard these little chunks of wisdom because they're so annoyingly simple they couldn't possibly be relevant to real life. They totally are.

 

If you don't mind, I'd like to point out something you said that I don't agree with. It's something I was saying to myself regularly each time I attempted to improve my life. It's something one says out of desperation and panic, a response to an impending deadline that doesn't exist. It's the last thing you said in your post: "I have to succeed this time." When you say this you're setting yourself up for a huge crash. We both know that you don't literally have to succeed at this attempt or else you'll just vanish from existence. You say it because you're reaching your threshold for failure and starting to fear that you'll be miserable forever and live a pointless, pathetic life. I've been there. I've scared myself shitless having thoughts like that. When you say that kind of thing to yourself you're putting way too much pressure on yourself. Take it easy! Seriously. Here's another cliche: "You have your whole life ahead of you." Find a way to embrace that phrase. The time limit you're burdening yourself with is not going to help.

 

This is what I say to myself: "I will succeed eventually." It's specifically phrased to not fall into the category of being too optimistic or pessimistic, but rather to fall right in between. It's realistic. What it implies is based on logic. As long as I continue to put effort into self-betterment, and don't give up, I will see success. 

 

I'm sorry if I come off as preachy in my reply. Since I've been improving my health, my personality has changed. For the first time in EVER I am able to clearly see the possibility of happiness. The vibe I get from your post reminds me of myself before I really started transitioning. I hate to think of anyone having to deal with that kind of mentality, and I passionately believe everything I typed here can help anyone with it (yes, I am that arrogant).

 

Just keep trying, no matter what.

[Triysle]

Thanks everyone.  I appreciate the support.

 

I've made it a habit to never deal with how I felt after a failure.  I always buried it and found some other excuse to be happy.  I guess the reason I'm hesitant to pat myself on the back for anything is because historically when I've done that I've stopped pushing myself.

 

Needed to do housework?   I'd do a few dishes, maybe take out the garbage, and that would be it for weeks.  Needed to change my diet?  I'd cook once or twice for a week or so, then go right back to fast food because "it's ok, I'll make up for it tomorrow." 

 

Same thing for fitness.  The longest I lasted with a consistent plan was a simple one - jog every other day. Improve my time or distance each attempt.  That was it.  I kept that up for about 2 months, lost nearly 30 lbs, and just...stopped.  I don't know why.  I just stopped.  I was seeing results, feeling great...and I quit.

 

I just don't understand that aspect of myself.  I can totally get why people quit when things get too hard, when you try over and over again at the same thing but don't see results.   But I quit AFTER seeing results.  I quit after knowing that what I did was making a difference.

 

I keep coming back to feeling like I have to hate myself to ever see success.  All I can think is that I really must just be a lazy person.  That I accept and excuse my own mediocrity...but I don't want to be that guy.

 

Look, I don't want to be a debbie downer on these forums.  I know they're supposed to be for motivation and help and support.  I just don't know how else to communicate this stuff other than being honest and typing out all the crap in my head.

 

Thanks for listening and responding, regardless.

[Papa Raf C]

I'll be blunt: you think too much.

 

Join the challenge, keep a battle log, and start kicking ass. You can do the thinking later, maybe after 5 years or so. By then I doubt you'll still have the habit of quitting after seeing results.

[DerekP]

Sent PM

[Lalie Fanyarendil]

By all means, be a debbie downer for awhile if you want to. People who want to read only positive posts will probably stick to the in the Woot Room. Personally, I sometimes find it motivating to read about and respond to other people's struggles. It feels nice to be able to encourage other people and it feels awesome to offer suggestions that someone else finds helpful. Nobody would ever get that feeling if we only shared successes.

 

Okay, so you've got a list of things you've failed at. You know what posting that list shows? Resolve. You're owning your past decisions and acknowledging areas of weakness in order to improve at them. I know that anger is the Dark Side, but it can be very helpful if channeled into beneficial activities.

 

You will succeed. Even if it doesn't happen within your desired time frame, you will succeed. This time you have the support of a community that can help you figure out a longer-term motivation. Most things are better with nerdy friends. I can't think of any that aren't but I'm leaving myself room to be wrong.

[fatguyinalittlecoat]

I'm coming out of lurker status just let you know hate and anger works but it's a slippery slope, And it's hard to reverse but it worked for me.

I went from. 350.

To 210-215

Every day I look in the mirror and list off why I hate what I'm looking at. It's how I stay motivated and focused but and it's a big but it will eventually bleed over into other aspects of life. I at this point do not possess the map to find my way back to land so keep that in mind

Good luck with your journey !!

This was not ment to be depressing just a friendly warning that you might want to find out what you like about yourself as you go along and not wait till 3 yrs later to try and figure it out .

[Triysle]

This was not ment to be depressing just a friendly warning that you might want to find out what you like about yourself as you go along and not wait till 3 yrs later to try and figure it out .

 

Not at all man, I appreciate you sharing your story.

 

As for waiting for three years - that's actually what happened to me.  I gained most of this weight three years ago and only recently starting re-discovering the things I liked about myself (found a couple of new things, too).

 

I've taken steps physically and psychologically the past couple of weeks to get over my past and deal with the present.  It's scary as hell, not gonna lie.  But I'm slowing feeling better about myself more and more each day, and I'm getting back into activities that I left behind years ago.

 

I'm due for an update in my challenge thread tomorrow, so I'll share more details there.  I just finished a writing assignment and I'm heading off to bed for now.

 

Thanks again, to all of you, for being honest, supportive, and generally just good people.

[wildross]

The first steps are the hardest, and you've already taken those.  Stay with us and we'll stay with you.

[Triysle]

Well, it's been a month...but damn, what a month it was.

 

Let's do the numbers first, as they're easier.  Went from almost 260lbs to a consistent 240.  Dropped 4 inches from my waistline (have to go pant shopping soon, lol).  Went from failure in just one circuit of the BBWW to almost completing three full ones.

 

I've had more baked/stir-fried chicken and fish this month than the rest of my life combined, and I've saved a ton of money and learned a bunch of fun new recipes.

 

I got music back into my life, and performed two shows already.  I've also gotten back into writing, and one of my pieces has already been published by the International Game Developers Association!

 

I signed up for Tough Mudder in Tahoe, and while June seems far away I know I'll need every minute to train and prepare myself for it.  I failed out after four obstacles in 2012; this year I'm finishing, no matter how long it takes!  I even started building a team with my coworkers and we're gonna start training together.

 

My ex found a place of her own and the space, while sometimes lonely and scary, has given me a chance to really focus on my own life again.  I'm going shopping for some new furniture and my new roommate brought in some nifty kitchen appliances I want to try (Foreman Grilled Chicken, woo!!).

 

I decided to stay at level 1 for the next challenge since I joined in the middle of it.  I definitely feel like I've accomplished quite a bit, but I still have a lot to learn about myself and about the various guilds and community here.

 

Many of you have helped so much, from giving workout and nutrition advice to just acknowledging my struggle and relating your own stories.  I ended up lurking quite a bit the past couple weeks but you guys continued to reach out via PMs and replies.  Thanks for not leaving me behind

 

Can't wait to see where I'm at in another month, and I look forward to adventuring onwards with all of you!

[Lalie Fanyarendil]

Woot! All of that sounds MOST excellent and non-heinous! What kind of music? Will we get to see videos?