Power Rangers, Jesus, and Robot Dragons: Metakiiro's Story

[metakiiro]

Hey there, I'm metakiiro and this is a quick little bit to help y'all get to know me. 

 

I'm 29 years old. I live in the Midwest. In September of 2014, I was diagnosed with NCAH, which is basically like super PCOS. This condition means that my body does not respond to cortisol properly. I am insulin resistant, which is also called pre-diabetes. The only reason why I am not a full blown diabetic is because I have gradually phased out most of the processed crap that I used to eat and no longer indulge in alcohol or soda these days. 

 

I have been overweight or obese ever since I can remember. I used to joke that I was born fat. My family wasn't much on eating healthy. We are southern folks and every meal consisted of meat and carbs, with sugar for dessert. I grew up gorging on terrible 90s kid food crap while watching Power Rangers and the rest of the Fox Kids lineup. I began existing on a diet of Pop Tarts, Mountain Dew Code Red, root beer, cheese pizza, and vending machine snacks as a teenager. In college, I became friends with mary jane and started frequenting fast food joints and doing a lot of binge eating + binge drinking. 

 

I hit my all time high of 350 lbs at 25. I was working in an institutional kitchen as a line cook at the time. Some days I worked 12-14 hours. Snacking at work was second nature to me. I drank fountain drinks like they were going out of style. One of my colleagues was from Thailand and she made delicious fried rice and pad thai for lunch most days. I would eat whatever she made, plus several plates from the $1 lunch buffet for employees that was served in the afternoons. 

 

My first attempt at seriously losing weight was shortly after hitting my highest weight. I went on the Primal diet and did pretty well with it for about 6 months. Life happened and I quit the program, for whatever reason. A few months later, I did a juice fast and got really sick. I lost some weight due to shitting my brains out several times a day. I got down to 260, but quickly gained it all back after I started eating again. I hovered around 300 lbs for the next year or so. 

 

Then I did P90X for 1.5 rounds + Atkins diet. I was down to 280 and then I was in a car accident. Gained a fuckton of weight post accident. Now I weigh 324. I am really not happy about it. 

 

The more I think about it, the more pissed off I get at myself for not changing my habits earlier. My 20s are almost over and I've got nothing to show for it. I spent most of my time letting my weight and my addiction to food rule my life. I haven't had any relationships or friendships in the past few years because I think that people are judging me for being a fat bitch. The internet is my friend; Netflix is my SO. I spend more time with my iPad than I do any person in meatspace.

 

I am a voyeur who watches My 600lb Life, Extreme Weight Loss and other such shows. I get sad when I see those sorts of shows. I know that if I don't change my ways, I might become trapped in a miserable existence like the people on those shows. I am secretly terrified of falling down the stairs, slipping in the shower, getting trapped inside of my car as it burns in the fiery aftermath of a horrific accident. 

 

Public changing rooms terrify me. The changing room terror is just the icing on the cake of awful when it comes to shopping. I guess a lot of us "big girls" feel that way about shopping. There's some sort of sickly rich irony that is encountered whilst shopping for size 22 skinny jeans. I end up settling for sweats and PJs and even shopping for those can be humiliating once you've crossed into the plus size zone for 2X, 3X. 

 

I've spent years avoiding mirrors. Sometimes depression kicks my ass. I see the errant hairs as they sprout where they shouldn't be thanks to the hormonal chaos that rages within my body. Blame is easily placed far away from me. I don't want the responsibility of being me, of living with the consequences of something that I've never quite been able to control. My whole life, I've been big and smart. Never 'normal', never cute. 

 

I tried God, because I thought that Jesus would heal the broken bits within me. Jesus would take away the gnawing desire to stuff my face with frosted animal cookies and breadsticks and McD's sweet teas. If he couldn't/wouldn't take away the gnawing desire, then maybe he could at least mitigate the guilt that I felt afterwards. 

 

Nope.

 

Faith made me feel guilty, like ceiling cat was watching my every move. I ate more to hide the guilt, on top of all of the eating I was doing for whatever the reason was that day/week. For 25 years, I've eaten every emotion, every negative comment, every dark thought, every bit of depression, every piece of guilt over all of the bad things that have happened, every loss in life. 

 

I need to change and the change needs to start now. I don't want to spend my 30s living in a dark room, staring at a screen for connection and entertainment while stuffing my face with feel-good food and guzzling comfort calories from a plastic cup. Whatever happened, happened and I can't change the past. Time goes on and it's only passion that keeps us moving forward.

 

I haven't found all of the answers yet, but I'm determined to keep seeking them. If I don't love me, who will? Sometimes, I morbidly joke about dying before I turn 40. If that was really the truth though, I'd only have ~10 years left to live. I would want those years to be awesome, nothing like the last 10 years of disappointment, self-loathing, fear, addiction, depression, and apathy. 

 

So here's to 2015 and facing the big robot-dragon called 3-0.

[RainebowSparkles]

I'm new to the posts but hope this goes right- I think you have a kick ass sense of humor. I haven't Walked in your shoes but completely understand the mirror shame, hatred of shopping, pcos hell, and the loneliness from no one being around. This is a really good place to start and there seems to be so many people that are warm and inviting here. Knowing that you need to change habits is so much different than doing it and you've started I'd love to talk if you'd want to ( I usually hang out with cats and my husband- but like people... I think) I hope your health journey starts incredibly well for you.