Third time is a charm?

[GolfCart34]

I'm starting to notice a pattern with myself...

So much has happened in the past couple of years that I've come to realize that I need to make some seriously major changes in my life because I find that I keep falling into the same rut over... and over... and over again.

Hence, it's time for a respawn and this time I'm working really hard to make the respawn stick.

Long story short, I'm once again battling a nasty bout of depression.  I can tell because I'm not happy with anything, I sleep a lot, and I don't enjoy things that once made me super excited.

It's taken me years to realize this, but I think I've finally figured out the pattern and what needs to be done to stop this vicious cycle.

The first thing I realized is that I'm the only one who can change me and I need to be the one to make that change.  This is perhaps most blatantly obvious where I work.  I think I scare people because I think of things differently and act differently than the status quo.  The people I work with say they value that in staff, yet once you get in the door and reality sets in  you quickly find out that they want you to assimilate into the group as if you've been there for years and not question the status quo.  Essentially I keep running into situations where I'm expecting to be on the Enterprise where everybody just gets along and questions things when they aren't right but the reality is more like being part of the Borg where resistance is pretty much futile.  Either that or I wind up on Vogsphere where there is so much bureaucracy that I can't even save my grandmother from the Ravenous Bugblatter Beast of Traal without orders - signed in triplicate, sent in, sent back, queried, lost, found, subjected to public inquiry, lost again, and finally buried in soft peat for three months and recycled as firelighters.

Trying to assimilate is just making me depressed so I'm quickly realizing that I need to make like Homie the Clown and just say, "Homie don't play that!"

Secondly, I keep falling into the trap of doing what's normal according to society but that may not be what is right for me.  Logic would dictate that I need to get that 9-5 job, go in, work myself to death, go to the gym, go home exhausted, work some more, do everything around the house, then go to bed, get 4 hours of sleep and get up to do it all over again.  Yet each time I try to adapt to what is considered "normal" by society I fall into the same damn trap.  After high school I wanted to go to college for something artsy like photography or writing but my dad encouraged me to go to school for business because it was a useful degree I could rely on.  What I've come to discover is that, while many of the skills I learned in college are quite useful, business is so not my passion.  I saw the same pattern with one of my cousins.  He went to school and got a "useful" degree.  His parents were a bit frustrated when he didn't go for the 9-5 job, but my cousin busted his ass and is now a very good and very successful wedding photographer.

Lastly, I think I keep scaring people because I don’t do or like the same things as them.  In school I was picked on because I was a girl who liked Star Trek, read Star Wars books, wrote fan fiction during study hall to pass the time, and I was pretty much the only one who didn’t date in high school.  These days many people think I’m odd because I like to watch Formula 1 not reality TV, or they think I’m weird because I don’t have cable, I don’t watch TV every night, and the TV I do have is 15 years old and hasn’t been turned on in months.  People think I’m strange because my cats are my kids and I’m not comfortable around small human children.

 

What I think this all boils down to is I need to change for myself and do what is right for me.  I keep turning to what is familiar to me but may not make me happy because it feels “stable.† I also try to rush things because on the one hadn I’m inpatient and on the other hand that’s what I keep thinking society wants me to do, but things don’t stick when I’m inpatient and rush.

So a couple of weeks ago I started to move myself in a new direction.  I came back to NF first of all and started by just signing up for the academy.  I usually come back here when I feel rotten about myself because this place seems to be a true “judgement free†zone.  I’m taking my time working through the academy and really trying to make the new skill stick this time.  I got my nutrition back on track and I’ve “walked to Mordor†every morning for about 2 weeks straight.  I’ve also been pretty religious about going to bed at the same time every night and getting up at the same time every morning (just not too early on Saturday because I sleep in Saturdays).  I may not sleep the whole way through, but I’m at least building the routine.

Then I took the ultimate step outside of my comfort zone and signed up for Camp NF.  I’m terrified of going simply because I’m super shy and I have a hard time meeting new people, but I’ve discovered in just the two days since booking my bunk that there are so many people just like me who are going so now I’m both terrified and looking forward to going.

I discovered that I like to run last year and actually did a 5k, a 10k, and a half marathon.  I was slow as hell but I didn’t care because I did it and I finished all of the races I went to.  My ultimate goal is to do the Disney Glass Slipper Challenge in 2016 (which is the Enchanted 10k and the Princess Half Marathon) and dress up as “Mrs. Michael Schumacher Ferrari†for the princess half because I love the movie Cars and I love Formula 1… And because why not?  I hate how depression has gotten in the way of my goal but I'm starting back into my running routine slowly so I can be prepared to work for my goal.

Now I’m examining where I am in my life and career right now and figuring out where I want to go from here.  I went to college for business and marketing and quickly discovered that marketing wasn’t for me, especially since it all seems to be about sales and what I perceive to be taking advantage of people.  Give me research to do, data to analyze, or reports to write and I’m all over that.  I want to write a novel.  I want to possibly dabble in acting.  I want to visit Europe.  I also have ADHD and I can tell when I don’t love what I do because I need to use my “crutches†to get my daily tasks done.  My crutches, by the way, are caffeine and Adderall (yes, I have a legit prescription) which really isn’t healthy.  Plus Adderall has this problem of giving me massive breakouts when I take it long term and kills my sleep cycle.  I also need major structure in my day, practically down to the minute, when I’m in a job I don’t love and I can’t stand interruptions when that’s the case.

So thank you for letting me tell you my life story up until this point.  I’m back and I’m doing this for me because I need to.

Let the respawning begin!

[Aegle]

Greetings fellow rebel! Congrats on taking the first step and deciding you want to change your life for the better. It's great that you're reflecting on your life and pinpointing areas where you want to improve. May the Force be with you throughout your journey.

[OrangeBeanie]

You sound like all the people I work with. Have you thought of working Intelligence with any of the 3 letter organizations? NGA, NSA, NRO, etc. The socially awkward nerd who loves cats more than children. The logical way of viewing things. You said so yourself, "Give me research to do, data to analyze, or reports to write and I'm all over it.". I had a lot of co workers at my last duty station who were battling depression or didn't fit in with people in high school so they joined the military and found the Intelligence Community. We really are a group of socially awkward misfits so a lot of people feel more comfortable or are able to say what their hobbies are without feeling judged.  

[OrangeBeanie]

Plus I got stationed in Germany so I got to see Europe. You can get stationed in England too. And my ticket to Germany was free.

[smazzon1]

You can definitely do this And that's awesome that you signed up for Camp NF! I'm seriously considering it but I'm not sure if I have the money to go this year. You'll have a blast!

 

I've found that cleaning really helps me clear my mind and gets me energized. Like, I completely cleaned my bedroom top to bottom two days ago and feel much better. I think it helps clear the mind and allows goals to become more visible, in a way.