Starting Over ... Again

[Jannit]

Hello,

 

My name is Jannit and I'm a procrastinator and self sabotager.

 

*Waits for the chorus of "Dammit, Jannit!" to die down.*

 

I have started and quit getting in shape more times than I can count in my adult life and it tends to follow the same pattern. I get to a point where I can't stand the sight of myself, get hugely motivated, start doing all the things I 'should', achieve some great results then throw it all away and just stop.

 

My weight has fluctuated quite dramatically throughout my adult life. I've been on the underweight and overweight/obese ends of the spectrum for varying reasons. The last time I was at my healthy weight or lower was purely the result of stress (PTSD) where I couldn't eat without being sick. I lived off of chocolate milk, coffee and cigarettes for months on end and slowly progressed to the point of being able to keep down one meal a day. It wasn't a choice to lose the weight but with a diet like that, I dropped about 70 pounds in two months. Honestly, I wasn't complaining. I liked being thin. I felt better, had more confidence, and just enjoyed being in my skin at that weight - for a while. It got to the point where I was looking skeletal and I had absolutely no strength or stamina. 

 

I figured it'd be easy to keep myself at that weight and just try to incorporate things like eating healthier and working out. That shouldn't be hard, right? How many times before that had I thought "If only I was at ___ weight, I'd be able to keep it off! I just need to be there first!" Well, I was there but it wasn't as easy as I thought.

 

My first stop was to join Weight Watchers. I'd had some moderate success using their system for weight loss purposes prior to the PTSD and figured that maybe it would be a good way to start upping my calories in a controlled an healthy manner. That didn't work out very well. When I went there, I got the distinct impression that I wasn't welcome because I'd lost the weight doing something other than the Weight Watcher's program. The idea that I wanted to use their program to become healthier rather than skinnier was not well received at the place I went to.

 

"That's okay! I can do it myself!"

 

In my younger years I'd been a very active teenager doing competitive swimming, cross country skiing, soccer and eventually body building. I had a wide range of experience with sports and knew how to work out, it was just the matter of actually doing it that was difficult. Plus, the fact that I was no longer at an age where my metabolism would burn through anything I put into it without gaining so much as an ounce. 

 

The one accomplishment that I'm very proud of is that I did quit smoking over five years ago. This also lead to the all too common strategy of replacing smoking with food. Being in a new office with treats readily available, I was all too happy to help them clear up the leftovers on a regular basis. This has led to me putting on about 75 pounds over the past five years. 

 

During this time, I've made attempts at getting rid of the weight. I took up running for a while and even managed to complete a 10km race! ... then promptly quit running. I joined taekwondo and made my way up to a blue belt! ... then quit due to time constraints with a new job. I hired a personal trainer and worked really hard to lose about 20 pounds! ... then got a weird pie craving and put it all back on plus a few extra for good measure.

 

I seem stuck in a cycle where I will be very focused and motivated to achieve my goal, find some success in it, then lose interest and reset the game. I don't mean to do it, but it keeps happening enough to know that there's got to be something driving it but I can't honestly say what it is.

 

Right now my biggest goal is to take control of my diet. I have a horrible diet and eat out way too much on a regular basis. The amount of money I spend on eating out in a month is disgusting.  So, with that in mind, my plan is to start off with reducing the amount I eat out. I've gotten some emergency foods to keep at work that are reasonably healthy and appetizing. Plus, I've started packing lunches daily. My goal is to not buy any lunches (unless it's an event) for the next four weeks. I realize this won't help me lose weight but it will teach me a good habit!

 

From there, I'll start incorporating a few healthier alternatives into my meals. I have a full meal plan made up from my time working with my trainer but I feel that implementing it all at once will trigger the push back and the cravings for all the pie. I know I need to take things gradually but the planner in me wants to lay out a step by step plan that shows exactly what I COULD do if I weren't such a procrastinator about things.

 

Sure, I could be at my goal weight if I'd started a year ago but I didn't so I'm not. I'm trying to learn to forgive myself and move forward rather than beating myself up for past mistakes. It's proving to be much more difficult than  expected.

 

In any case, I've found my way back to the site as I seem to keep forgetting about it until I'm in one of my motivated moods. This post is to be a reminder to me of what I'll be doing and why I'm starting over. I do plan to update it when I have something a bit more concrete in mind.

 

[Jett]

Hi, Jannit. Welcome (back)!

 

I haven't been in your exact situation, of gaining and losing - my life's journey has had weight that only goes in one direction: up. (Trying to change that now!) However, maybe we can talk and figure out what is going on with your cycle of weight gain -> motivation -> weight loss -> loss of interest. Hopefully, someone who has had similar experience to you will also join in, and give some valuable insight.

 

Just going from this summary that you've given here, my perspective as someone outside of your head seems to suggest that maybe you pick up new diets and new activities as hobbies, rather than as lifestyle changes. When you start trying to lose weight, what's your thought process? "I need to eat less/do this exercise until I get to <X WEIGHT>, and then things can go back to normal"? Something like that? Or something else?

 

At least you've quit smoking, so that shows you are capable of making lasting lifestyle changes!
 

[Jannit]

Hi JMitch,

 

Thanks for the reply! Any help with this is greatly appreciated as it's easy to get stuck inside my own head and not see the forest for the trees.

 

You raise a good point about the changes being hobbies rather than lasting lifestyle changes. There's something inherently intimidating about the idea of committing to something so long term. My thought process when I start something new tends to be something along the lines of: "If I follow this plan, I will be X weight by X date by doing A, B, C and D and everything will be great" Then I inevitably slip up and don't follow the A, B, C and D on my list which puts me off target and I give up. Or, I'll do really well and start missing those things that I'm no longer allowing myself (like pie) and end up binging repeatedly. Part of it is definitely emotional eating and the other is just having being very unforgiving when I make mistakes.

 

With the quitting smoking thing, it was honestly a lot easier than quitting the food addiction. With smoking it just came down to not smoking, regardless of how I was feeling. With food, I can't just not eat. Those especially bad days where I still have horrible cravings for cigarettes, end up being days where I'll fill that need for comfort with food. I'm still addicted to cigarettes but the difference is now I just don't smoke. I'm not sure how to get over a food addiction when you still need to eat.

 

As much as I love planning and making spreadsheets to track progress and such, I'm thinking that they might be doing more harm than good. This is a big reason why I didn't include one in my initial post.

 

Thanks again. I appreciate the input! 

[Jett]

I've noticed something that seemed counterintuitive to me at first: weight loss and healthy living seem to be more about what's going on in the mind than in the body. But, thinking about it, it makes sense: we eat for emotional and social reasons just as much, if not more, than for simple sustinance. And most barriers to exercise seem to be mental, too ("I can't do this", "I'm embarassed to be seen working out", "I don't have time" etc). Changing how I thought about food and exercise was the main thing missing from my previous weight loss attempts, and I now believe that to be the reason those attempts always died out after a few months.

 

It looks like you've identified two mental barriers that are sabotaging you: You're afraid of making a big, lasting life-change that means giving up things that you like; and you don't allow yourself room for error when you do try to make changes. I can say that both of those things are barriers I experienced, too.

 

I dealt with the first one by being honest with myself: There's no way I am never eating chocolate cake or Bojangle's fries for the rest of my life, ever. But, I also don't want to slowly get fatter and fatter until I die. If I'm not willing to make a big change in what I eat, I have no right to expect any changes in how I look. The answer was compromise. I eat sweets much less often now - probably once a week in "large" portions (they seem large now, but would have been an average day's dessert allowance before), and/or 2-3 times a week in small amounts. For example, today at lunch I'm eating a small packet of chocolate-covered pocky sticks that total 70 calories. I also had some on Monday night. Once upon a time, I would have eaten 3 or 4 of these packets at a time, but now I find it easier to stop myself after one, reminding myself that this change in behavior is going to result in a better life. Knowing that I can still have foods I like from time to time makes it easier to say "no" to them on a daily basis. It's not "goodbye forever, sweet chocolate cake", it's "I can't hang out right now, but I'll see you this weekend." I even try to plan using small amounts of food I like (mostly chocolate) to reward myself for doing something. This can be a dangerous trap for some people, if they feel they've "earned" a big portion of unhealthy food every time they work out, or something. But I pre-break my chocolate bars into quarters, and eat them when I meet a specific fitness goal - such as attaining a one-minute plank. That makes me focus on my fitness ability rather than appearance or weight loss, it makes me not feel guilty when I eat the chocolate, and it helps me avoid sweets in the mean time, because winning that chocolate doesn't mean much if I eat it every day, anyway. This is a system that works well for me; it may not work for some people, but try to find something that does work.

 

Basically, tl;dr - you don't have to cut yummy stuff out of your diet 100% if that makes it unsustainable for you.

 

The second barrier, forgiving yourself when you mess up, has been a lot harder for me. It's actually helped me a lot to do the 6-week challenges, report my failures honestly, and then have people following my thread tell me, 'Yeah, you messed up, it's going to set you back some, but that's no reason to throw the baby out with the bathwater'. I finally was able to look at my current challenge in this light: I am trying to learn new habits, and if the habits were easy to learn, it wouldn't be a challenge! Of course the first few weeks aren't going to be perfect. There's no "on" switch in our brains that automatically make it easy to do something new. It's a learning process, like learning an instrument. You can't pick up a guitar and immediately start playing it. You're going to make a lot of wrong notes at first, before you really get good at it.

 

I hope those thoughts might help you. For food addiction, I have less useful advice, because I don't struggle with it. :/ But, I did receive some very good avice once about habit building. It was about trying to stop doing something: "Replace an old habit with a new one." That seems to be what you have done with eating comfort food instead of smoking. Maybe there is some other activity that you can start doing as a replacement for comfort food? I'm sure that switching will be difficult, but you've done it once before. The trick will probably end up being separating actual hunger from wanting to eat for emotional reasons. Like you said, you can't just stop eating. But you'll have to figure out when you actually need food, and when you need something else - formerly comfort food.

[Harknes]

Eating out can be a very unhealthy way to live.  I gained 10 pounds in a month by eating two meals a day from Wawa.  I thought I was saving some money too but when I went shopping I spent 60 on groceries and at minimum I had been spending 80 a week on Wawa.  Now I just stop in for my morning coffee and scoot.  I wasn't even eating the really really bad stuff either!  I have Celiac so that kept me from their sandwiches and pastries.  So good job identifying that as a problem area.  

 

Something I learned elsewhere is to make a conscious decision every day to continue to pursue your goals for one day.  You are making life changes but remember the only thing you can change is how you behave today, right now.  I would wake up every morning and tell myself "Just for today I am not going to..."  It worked really well and has been helping me these past few days.  (I recently respawned)  When I think about a lifetime of doing something I get scared and go the other direction.  I can do anything, just for one day.  Those days build to a week, those weeks build to months and those months build to a new you.  

 

Also remember "There's a light in the darkness of everybody's life!"

[peelout]

Welcome to nerdfitness.

I use to cycle in and out of fitness several times per year.  I would always come up with "the plan", stay on it for a month or 2 then lose interest.  I think the issue was that the plan was always a bunch of changes at work.  Then I'd let a few slip, then a few more, then I would give up.  I finally changed my approach.  Instead of working on lots of things at once, I picked 1 thing at a time and worked on it till I got it right.  I would focus on that one thing until it was a habit.  Might be a couple weeks between changes I would add.  By doing this, my only measure of success was whether I kept the changes and since I wait until each change becomes a habit, I'm really only working on one thing at a time.

First thing was switching from soda and crap to a protein shake for breakfast. (Jun 2014)

Second was eating a salad everyday. (Aug 2014)

Third was daily exercise (Jan 1, 2015)

Fourth was elimination of crap foods right before bed (a big change for me) (sometime in late Jan or early Feb 2015)

Fifth was elimination of bread. (2 wks ago)

I've been able to keep everyone of these since there inception.  Whenever you try to make a lifestyle change, you have to use will power.  Willpower is a finite quantity that wears down.  If you try to change lots of things at once, you get overwhelmed.  Thats why so many people yoyo in an out of fitness.  If you only work on one thing at time until it becomes a habit, it takes far less willpower.  Just something you might want to try.  Making a large amount of changes takes time if you do it one habit at a time, but ask yourself when the last time you created a habit that actually lasted was.

 

If you decide to try this route, you might want to read a book by Charles Duhigg called "The Power of Habit".  In it, he teaches a process for making habits stick.  I now swear by it.

[Jannit]

Eating out can be a very unhealthy way to live.  I gained 10 pounds in a month by eating two meals a day from Wawa.  I thought I was saving some money too but when I went shopping I spent 60 on groceries and at minimum I had been spending 80 a week on Wawa.  Now I just stop in for my morning coffee and scoot.  I wasn't even eating the really really bad stuff either!  I have Celiac so that kept me from their sandwiches and pastries.  So good job identifying that as a problem area.  

 

Something I learned elsewhere is to make a conscious decision every day to continue to pursue your goals for one day.  You are making life changes but remember the only thing you can change is how you behave today, right now.  I would wake up every morning and tell myself "Just for today I am not going to..."  It worked really well and has been helping me these past few days.  (I recently respawned)  When I think about a lifetime of doing something I get scared and go the other direction.  I can do anything, just for one day.  Those days build to a week, those weeks build to months and those months build to a new you.  

 

Also remember "There's a light in the darkness of everybody's life!"

Thanks very much for this. This is my first challenge that I'm setting for myself; just not relying on eating out. Even if it means going and getting the bulk packages of pre-made things from Costco to keep at work in case of emergencies, I figure it's easier to do that than just go buy whatever it is I'm in the mood for that day (generally something pricey and not very good for me). I can't put the effort in to make healthy choices ahead of time to reduce temptation down the road and that's got to be worth something. 

 

As to the 24 hour thing, I've seen the same thing mentioned on a reddit sub. Apparently it's one of the AA principles or practices where people just commit to being sober for the next 24 hours. Nothing more or less, just one day. I really like that idea as it's much more manageable than trying to fix your entire future in one day which is very scary. 

 

Welcome to nerdfitness.

I use to cycle in and out of fitness several times per year.  I would always come up with "the plan", stay on it for a month or 2 then lose interest.  I think the issue was that the plan was always a bunch of changes at work.  Then I'd let a few slip, then a few more, then I would give up.  I finally changed my approach.  Instead of working on lots of things at once, I picked 1 thing at a time and worked on it till I got it right.  I would focus on that one thing until it was a habit.  Might be a couple weeks between changes I would add.  By doing this, my only measure of success was whether I kept the changes and since I wait until each change becomes a habit, I'm really only working on one thing at a time.

First thing was switching from soda and crap to a protein shake for breakfast. (Jun 2014)

Second was eating a salad everyday. (Aug 2014)

Third was daily exercise (Jan 1, 2015)

Fourth was elimination of crap foods right before bed (a big change for me) (sometime in late Jan or early Feb 2015)

Fifth was elimination of bread. (2 wks ago)

I've been able to keep everyone of these since there inception.  Whenever you try to make a lifestyle change, you have to use will power.  Willpower is a finite quantity that wears down.  If you try to change lots of things at once, you get overwhelmed.  Thats why so many people yoyo in an out of fitness.  If you only work on one thing at time until it becomes a habit, it takes far less willpower.  Just something you might want to try.  Making a large amount of changes takes time if you do it one habit at a time, but ask yourself when the last time you created a habit that actually lasted was.

 

If you decide to try this route, you might want to read a book by Charles Duhigg called "The Power of Habit".  In it, he teaches a process for making habits stick.  I now swear by it.

Your post really resonated with me. It's very similar to my pattern and I think your approach of doing the one thing at a time is probably what's going to work for me too. Right now I'm focusing just on having a soylent each day and making my lunch. Minor enough things but both can help. I'm giving up on the scale to try and quit worrying about the long term results of it and just focus on what I can do today. I think that'll help build a base for moving forward much like you've described. I appreciate the input and congratulations on all of your accomplishments so far! It's impressive. 

 

I think I actually have that book. It sounds familiar but clearly didn't resonate enough for me to properly remember. I'll have to take another read through it. 

[peelout]

What is a soylent?  (Soylent Green comes to mind, but you might be to young to have seen that movie.)

 

Duhigg teaches the cue/routine/reward concept.  What really got me interested in trying his process is that it is the same process advertisers use to get you to buy things you didn't know you needed (and probably don't need) and keep using them.   If you decide to use this method, look me up on here (Peelout enters the fray).  I've learned a lot of tricks for quickly embedding the habit.  There is a lady on another site I am on that I got to try this and she is now approaching day 30 of exercising every day.  She also started her second habit a week ago.  I stil shake my head when I realize how easy it is now to make a change and know its permanent.  I did the protein shake and salad w/o the benefit of Duhiggs process and they were much more difficult to get to the "automatic" stage.  Best advice for reading the book is to see if your library has it on audiobook.  I've listened to it 4 times now, just driving to work and around town.

[Jannit]

Nope, definitely old enough to know exactly what you're talking about!  When I first heard of it, that's where my mind went too.

 

Soylent is a nutritional drink originally created by a software engineer who basically decided that eating took too much time and energy and wanted an alternative. If you buy the official soylent, it's based off a 2,000 calories per day diet and provides a full range of macros and micros. That doesn't work for me so I use a site where you can create your own nutrition profile and set your own requirements for calories, carbs, fats, etc and then create a recipe to suit your needs. I make a powder mixture that contains psyllium, lecithin, chia, sulfur, salt substitute, and protein powder. When I make it, I just add canola oil and liquid calcium magnesium citrate. 

 

Originally, I was doing 2/3 of my daily intake as soylent but found that I needed food. As good as I felt on it, I just missed eating.  After being off of it for a while I found my body missed all of the nutrients it provides and that's why I've added back one 3/4 shake per day as a supplement rather than a meal replacement. The shake I have now has about 270 calories, 21 carbs, 26 grams of protein and 13 grams of carbs but it provides me with nearly a full daily dose of vitamins A, B6, B12, C, D, E, K, Thiamine, riboflavin, Biotin, Choline, Phosphorus and Zinc. All of the other micro nutrients are represented as well but not a full day's amount but definitely more than I'd get otherwise. 

 

Hearing more about Duhigg's method makes me think it may be a different book than the one I have but it sounds very interesting! Anything that can help make positive changes easier and permanent sounds good in my books. I'd love to hear the tricks that you've learned along the way. Thanks! 

[peelout]

How does your soylent taste?

 

I actually sent you to my challenge thread where I just leave a quick summary of what I did for the challenge.  Peelouts Journal is my actual log where I list my daily food intake, workouts, and a word or 2 about habit formation.  If you decide to try it let me know.  Here are the habits I've completed.

 

Prior to reading Duhiggs book

Protein shake everyday - 2014

Salad everyday - 2014

After reading Duhiggs book in Dec of 2014

KH1- 5 star desk - Started Dec 23 - This one requires I put away every folder and paper on my work desk every day before leaving for home so I don't have to come into a giant mess each morning.

KH2 - Exercise everyday - Started Jan 1 - Varying intensities, but everyday

KH3 - Manage home records - Started Jan 2 - Stopped leaving piles of bills and postits on kitchen table.  Have to record all bills the day they are recieved and summarize finances once per month.

KH4 - Eliminate night time crap - Started Jan 14 - Big one for me.  I used to consume and easy 500-1000 cals around 9pm.  Haven't had an unhealthy snack at night since.

KH5 - 1hr/wk job related training - Started Mar 3  - Requires I spend 1 hr/wk developing a new skill for work, even if I have to take time on my weekend to do it.  Currently learning a new s/w program which will help me in job advancement.

KH6 - No sandwich bread (including buns) at home or work.- Started Mar 16 - I stopped buying bread for this one.  Pretty simple.

Using Duhiggs approach, you just keep making improvements.  I haven't broken any of these even once.  Hope you try it.  It's actually pretty hard to believe how well it works.

[Jannit]

Ah, thanks. I missed that! Appreciate the information.

 

The current soylent I have is pretty good but it's an acquired taste. I f you're interested, I suggest going for the good protein powder. My first attempt used unflavored powder I got on sale and it was absolutely disgusting -like worse than eating drywall gross. I currently use a mixture of the unflavored stuff and Isobolic triple isolate protein matrix from Nutrabolics and it's decent. You can add flavoring to the drink if it's not your cup of tea and I've had it with stuff like mio or crystal light. 

 

When I did the soylent as a full meal replacement, I added in blueberries to help with the taste and that was pretty good too. The only thing is soylent can be very thick depending on how much powder you have to add and it can be a bit hard to get down. That's part of the reason for my doing a 1/2 - 3/4 serving now. I still add as much water as before but just less powder. It makes it much easier to get down.

[peelout]

I'm lucky.  I use an egg based protein powder and mix w/ strawaberries and blueberries (and a little milk).  I love the taste and actually look forward to it.  For me, I have to have something I enjoy so I just keep drinking it.  Makes a pretty filling breakfast although lately I've been having a hardboiled egg w/ it just to make sure I'm full till lunch so I'm not tempted by much of the crap everyone brings into work.

 

Like you, I also hit on a nasty protein powder the first time I tried one.  I can't believe something that tastes that bad actually sells.

 

Keep at it.