What are the dynamics of socializing on Facebook?

[Leego]

OK, it wasn't very quick, and I realized that my question basically boils down to "Should I message this woman that I've messaged before on Facebook AND reply to things on her wall, or should I just reply to things on her wall?" Still, there's some background here.

 

 

 

 

OK, I'mma make this quick: I lack knowledge of some basic social norms, ques, and conventions. Particularly in American/U.S. culture, even though I'm American. I used to feel uncomfortable around most people, except for online where I didn't really give a crap and am anonymous.

 

Ever since I went to college, I've actually been even LESS comfortable and LESS trusting of other people, and now even have a hard time socializing on the internet, except for when I'm around people I feel like I have something in common with, like, and can trust or have some connection with, both online and offline, like here, or in my STEM minority group at my university.

 

So, that being said, long story short, I met and became well-acquainted with (I don't want to call her a friend just yet) someone at the university that I like a lot, think is a cool person, and I have at least some things in common with. When we met, we actually exchanged email addresses, numbers, and are friends on Facebook, and we've talked about different things a few times, and went to an event that she hosted. I also shared pictures of another event she suggested I should go to.

 

During the time leading up to the event SHE was hosting, I texted her about it and also about some of the more philosophical things we were talking about, and we also talked a bit about each other's backgrounds and interest on the way to and from the event. I also got to meet some of her friends and got along with them very well, it seems.

 

A short time after the event, I asked her how she was doing. She said she was fine, and was just hoping for finals to be over, and asked me how I was doing, and I told her I was making it. Now, this sounds friendly and innocent and straightforwards enough, if I'm going by my logic, but I can't easily read people through text messages. So, I'm not sure if that's a good sign of keeping connections with her, or if the fact that it didn't lead to another conversation is a sign that she wasn't interested in talking to me anymore. Usually, I like to take pride in handling my personal business myself, but usually when I try to talk to girls I like, I FFF**K up really bad, and I really don't want to mess up with this person, especially since it's not common for me to really make a good connection with and impression on someone.

 

So, I asked my group leader, who is also a woman, about what to do next, and she said that because of what this person is involved in, and because of her age (since she's roughly a decade older than me) she'd rather not get distracted from her goals or mission, and she also doesn't want to influence me too much. At the same time, although I have left a good impression on her, she still doesn't know me all that well, and has to be careful to protect herself.

 

So my group leader suggested that I should go very slow with this girl that I met: Stop texting her for now, and only communicate through Facebook by commenting on some of the things she's talking about and is involved in, and if she isn't really posting anything at the time, ask her about how her plans are coming along, or what new and interesting things she has heard of. And then, once school starts back and I'm back on campus, then I can ask to tag along for some other events, and maybe after that, ask her if she wants to have lunch or something, and go from there.

 

 

 

Now, me, I don't really like talking to people through Facebook. I guess you can say that I'm old-fashioned. I don't like how Facebook puts all of my business up on it, and I'm a bit worried about how some of my posts and lack of activity on my wall might reflect me. I like seeing and commenting on the things that she shares on her wall, but it always feels like a sort of impersonal and passive, and I'd rather just talk to her directly through online messages, but since they are private, I wonder if that would send the wrong message...even though we have messaged each other about different things before...granted that was mostly about things that were of interest to both of us and  related to her profession...which is at least some form of communication. And if I post on the things that she posts, I'd still be talking to her about things that are of interest to her.

 

Also, on top of that, I still don't have all of my basic social skills down, and then by going into Facebook, it's like I'm entering an even MORE unfamiliar social frontier with totally different boundaries and norms.

 

After talking about this and forcing myself to think through it, I think I know what I should do, and that's to stick to my leader's suggestion and just occasionally comment on the things that she posts, and occasionally (if it isn't overstepping any boundaries) message her through Facebook asking how are things going with her (if it isn't overstepping her boundaries). Then when the semester starts back up, I'll ask her if I can help with or get involved with anything she's doing and continue to communicate with her and gain her trust over the semester.

 

I'm eager to talk to her, but I usually lose touch with most people I know during the summer until I come back, anyways, and to not talk to someone until I return to a place where we physically both are just seems more natural and "old-fashioned" to me. I'm eager to build a stronger connection with her, but I've learned from the past that focusing too much on one person and making such a big deal about them is not healthy, and it usually just scares that person away, and if I scare her away, there will be no going back.

 

F**king hormones.

 

 

 

So, does it sound like I'm following proper social boundaries? Especially when talking to a girl I like? Because it feels like I'm walking on eggshells or trying to start a fire and keep it alive in the wilderness.

[Machete]

Social boundaries are arbitrary. Usually neither of you can tell until someone has crossed way over.

 

[Leego]

I still don't know where "way over" is, but thanks. The picture made me chuckle a bit.

 

I still hate socializing through Facebook, though. It feels really impersonal, it's hard to get anyone to respond, I don't find it fun hearing about people's personal lives via text while I'm on the outside, and honestly, I hate not getting a response, especially after waiting for over a week. I know, that's ugly of me, and there could be several reasons besides "you invaded my space and I find that creepy" or "I'm not interested in talking to you anymore" for someone to not respond to messages anymore, but I feel like if someone is a real good acquaintance or even a friend, or at least is a tiny bit interested in staying in touch with me, they would at LEAST respond when I message them a little sooner than two weeks.

 

In short, I told her that I hope she is doing well, that I might have to delete my Facebook page for family and professional reasons, which is true, and I gave her my new number, since I changed phones, and then I set my Facebook account to be deleted in 14 days, and I still didn't get a response via text message.

 

Whether if she thinks I'm trying to make a sympathy play, or just doesn't care, doesn't matter. The only people who were on my friends list anyways were either acquaintances that I rarely see and who rarely talk to me, fake friends who just want to use me as a resource, old friends who stopped talking to me, and family, which I can always call or see in person and talk to, and usually hear from through my parents, anyways.

 

My new policy is that if you really are interested in getting to know me or trying to develope a friendship with me or anything, you won't have a problem with, and most likely will, text me or call me. If you just want to contact me for business, call me or email me. If you just want to use me, fuck off.

 

Even if I am over-reacting a bit, I still don't miss the idea of having a Facebook page, and I still want people to treat me with more respect.