Lost. Help?

[qpop]

Right guys, I'ma just write my thoughts at the moment, and hopefully some people will add some comments and then I'll know what to do. Who knows.

Here goes.

I was an overweight kid. I was also tall, so everyone would say "You'll grow out of it". By 13, I realised I wasn't going to grow much more (6'3"), so decided drastic measures were required. Cut down to something stupid like 1 / 2 meals a day, did some exercise, lost lots of weight. By 15/16 I was smoking a ton of weed, 20 cigarettes a day, and steadily my weight increased to danger levels (16st11lb at my heaviest (235lb for the other side of the pond).

TL;DR:Was a fat kid, lost lots of weight at 13, put lots of weight back on after that.

At 21 I decided I needed some RAGE outlet. I'd taken a desk job, previously was working in retail (lots of walking around), and so took up thai boxing and BJJ. The thai boxing slipped when I realised how awesome BJJ was, and I peaked at training 4x per week, for 2-4hours a night. It was awesome. The community was great, the training was great, I ended up at about 200lb, looked pretty lean and muscular, and loved life.

I then knackered my thorasic spine muscle (bad sprain), and trained through it. Hurt like hell, had to stop. Started strong lifts instead, intending to go back to BJJ when healed. Got to around 100kg on the squats/deadlifts, and pathetically low on the OHP/bench (always had a stronger core than arms), and then that petered out. I realised I was gonna have to move 100 miles for a new job, and all the wind went out of the sails. No more BJJ, no more buddies to go gym with, EPIC FAIL. This was march time.

TL;DR:Started training hard, loved it, had to move, stopped training

New place I've moved to (Leicester UK, although I'm living six miles from the centre in an offshoot town) is poor compared to old place (Sheffield). There isn't a gi-BJJ training place, so I can't re-start that. I tried a muay thai gym and didn't like the training style. So I just...did nothing. And neither did my gf. She was unhappy about moving, her activity level became pretty low too.

About two months ago I found myself at 15st9lb(219lb), just a stone and a bit off my heaviest. "OMGWTF". I found out about paleo on here, bought the paleo solution, agreed with everything Robb Wolf wrote, and changed my diet overnight. I'm now around 203lb purely due to diet, and I've managed to make it to the local community gym (which is horrendously expensive given the poor kit) once a week, despite it being across the road from our flat.

TL;DR:Got lazy, so did gf, got fat, got worried, went paleo, lost weight.

Now I'm stuck. This is how I look now: http://i.imgur.com/m6UZS.jpg

My BMI is something like 25.3 - the upper range of healthy. I'm not happy with how I look, or how weak I feel. I can do about 10 full push ups and about 15 full squats (although I'm working on depth intermittently with third-world squat practise). My push ups have always been weak due to a double wrist break and poor healing as a kid. Therefore my wrists are the limiting factor in them.

My gf also joined the gym, and has been going a bit. Shes lost a few lb but staunchly refuses to go paleo or anything like. Her diet is ok but goes to pot when we visit her family (her mum overfeeds everyone, and makes me out to be food hitler 'cause we don't have sweets and stuff in the house). I really want to help her, motivate her, but we're our own worst enemies! Like I say we've done 1x/week for the last month.

Also the gym only has cardio, and a few weight machines. I'm too much of a snob to use them, I want a barbell, and they don't have one. GF is not keen to move gyms because of where her work is located, and I feel like if I move, the 1x a week she's doing the C25k program will become 0x/week. (her BMI is around 29.5 but she carries it very well).

I feel selfish for wanting her to lose weight, but I also worry for her long-term health, knowing the long-term effects of that kind of BMI level can be seriously bad. She doesn't really see it as a big issue.

So, what do I do?

I've found a good-looking MMA gym in Leicester and am toying with the idea of checking it out, but I'm worried that a)I'm weak, it's expensive and inconvenient and c)the gf may hate me (when I was training daily for BJJ suffice to say she wasn't best impressed). I can't really maintain local gym membership and join there for cost reasons, and I feel like I'd be abandoning her if I just left the gym we joined "together".

There's also a no-frills cheapo gym in leicester centre that I've been trying to get her to consider. Problem is there's no on-site parking so we'd have to walk to the gym through crackheadsville (ok it might not be that bad but feels like it), it has power racks so I'd be able to lift, but its totally inconvenient for her and I feel it'd discourage her from doing much. That said, it can't be hard to maintain our impressive 1x a week training schedule.

I've tried home/bodyweight training and I just can't motivate myself to do it. I try, but then my wrists fuck up, or whatever, and then I think "I'll try again tomorrow" and don't manage it.

TL;DRWTF should I do guys?

LONG post but hopefully some good will come of it

[ETFnerd]

I would try convict conditioning from home. I think walking through crackheadsville with your gf is a bad idea. From the pics it looks like it wouldn't take more that 3-6 months to get back in shape. Good luck bro and let us know how it goes.

[DrJWilson]

Have you tried introducing her to BJJ? No-gi training can be suficient as well, in fact I find it more challenging since most of your leverage and techniques are gone (ever tried to do a cross collar with just a shirt to grab on to?). Who knows, she might find it enjoyable, and it gives her knowledge of self defense for worst case scenarios.

[qpop]

I would try convict conditioning from home. I think walking through crackheadsville with your gf is a bad idea. From the pics it looks like it wouldn't take more that 3-6 months to get back in shape. Good luck bro and let us know how it goes.

Yeah, I bought[read:illegitemately obtained] the book. Sounded interesting but my self-motivation, when combined with being at home, comes to just north of 0.

Have you tried introducing her to BJJ? No-gi training can be suficient as well, in fact I find it more challenging since most of your leverage and techniques are gone (ever tried to do a cross collar with just a shirt to grab on to?). Who knows, she might find it enjoyable, and it gives her knowledge of self defense for worst case scenarios.

I toyed with the idea when I was training lots. The thing is, she is pretty out of shape, and not keen on violence, and was never bothered. It also felt like "my thing", and there were only 1 or 2 women who trained, and they trained irregularly, so it was a "bro" kind of atmosphere. But mostly, she's not interested in much in terms of exercise. I was hoping C25K might inspire her, but I get the feeling she just wants to get fit/lose weight, not actually have to make much effort (d'oh!)

As an aside; my first (and only) BJJ comp I lost to a no-gi guy who just fought like a thug (and cheated repeatedly; ever been dropped onto your neck whilst pulling a triangle? Ouch, happened three times) so I kinda got a bad vibe about no-gi from there.

[scott82962]

You need to Love your gf by taking care of yourself, as opposed to not taking care of yourself to appease her feelings. You two don't have to work out at the same gym or take the same classes. Your post reads like the only thing holding you back is her - but it's really you. Just find something and go to it.

So - buy two small dumbbells and use them for doing push ups - this takes the pressure off your wrist. When you get to 20 start alternating "rows" with each hand when you get to the top to strengthen your core and improve balance. Go buy a huge bag of sand and carry it up and down some stairs. Go to a park and do pullups on the monkey bars or a tree limb. Start looking at "Craigslist" (what's the Brit equivalent?) and buy used weight equipment - start an awesome collection of plates and bars.

In the end you're going to be happier about yourself which will make you a better partner for her. She'll either get on board with you or she won't - but you won't resent her for holding you back.

(Married 20 years)

[DrJWilson]

As an aside; my first (and only) BJJ comp I lost to a no-gi guy who just fought like a thug (and cheated repeatedly; ever been dropped onto your neck whilst pulling a triangle? Ouch, happened three times) so I kinda got a bad vibe about no-gi from there.

I know how you feel man, I've been slammed by a friend who got a little too into practice while going for an arm-bar from guard.

[ebm1224]

your post sounds to me like there are two issues here: relationship issues and fitness issues. have you and your gf sat down and really talked about your personal goals and how you want to reach them? i ask because you seem to assume alot based on her responses or what you are afraid her responses will be.

my suggestions:

1) think about your goals. you seem to have already done this but think about it and make a short list. where do you want to be in fitness, in life, in your relationship?

2) have a heart to hear with your gf. what are her goals? tell her yours. where do they line up and where do they differ?

3) make a plan. find the places where your goals overlap and do those things together. can you commit to going for a hike every sunday? can you agree to eat a paleo meal (since that's what you like) 2 times per week?

4) agree that you will each take care of the non-overlapping goals for yourself.

5) check in with each other and your goals every so often.

it's already been said but you can't "fix" your gf - you can only fix yourself.

also, this isn't a competition. maybe you're really gung-ho to get in shape but she might not be. you just gotta take care of you and let her take care of her. it's ok to encourage and care but, imo, unless she is seriously unhealthy, all your input might be making her more resistant to the change.

[aj_rock]

Lead by example dude. If you show her that it's pretty easy to get into great shape without drastic measures, it should make her more accepting of the idea

[Guest guest4729]

your post sounds to me like there are two issues here: relationship issues and fitness issues. have you and your gf sat down and really talked about your personal goals and how you want to reach them? i ask because you seem to assume alot based on her responses or what you are afraid her responses will be.

my suggestions:

1) think about your goals. you seem to have already done this but think about it and make a short list. where do you want to be in fitness, in life, in your relationship?

2) have a heart to hear with your gf. what are her goals? tell her yours. where do they line up and where do they differ?

3) make a plan. find the places where your goals overlap and do those things together. can you commit to going for a hike every sunday? can you agree to eat a paleo meal (since that's what you like) 2 times per week?

4) agree that you will each take care of the non-overlapping goals for yourself.

5) check in with each other and your goals every so often.

it's already been said but you can't "fix" your gf - you can only fix yourself.

also, this isn't a competition. maybe you're really gung-ho to get in shape but she might not be. you just gotta take care of you and let her take care of her. it's ok to encourage and care but, imo, unless she is seriously unhealthy, all your input might be making her more resistant to the change.

This this this this this! I was thinking the exact same things.

You need to worry about YOU and let her worry about herself. By basing all of your decisions off of what she does, you're setting YOU up for failure. If she isn't as into the working out as you are then all you can do is work your hardest to motivate her. If she doesn't want to do it for herself then she won't do it at all. Plain and simple.

These are tests to your relationship. If she isn't willing to do something to improve her health and be the best she can be for you, then you need to figure out what will happen to your relationship in the long run. If you're really motivated and you want to improve yourself for you and for her, then why put so much in when you get so little back? If she isn't willing to sacrifice a few of her meals for paleo ones, what do you think she'll do further down the line if one of you develops some sort of issue that causes you to change your diet. Will she accommodate you or will you be on your own for making separate meals?

I really think this requires a sit down talk. Perhaps you can draw up two sheets that you can both fill out. List your goals in life, career, relationship and fitness. List what you want to do to reach those goals etc. etc. If you don't know where SHE is in her life and where she wants to go, then you can't really help her reach those goals.

I could go on and on but I fear sounding like a self-help book. Bleh.

[crowemagnonman]

Dude, It's like I'm reading my own story. I was the fat kid, too. 295 lbs at 12 years old. Yeah, pretty darn big. We are the same height and almost the same size. I suggest lifting heavy things. It will pack on the muscle and totally change the way your body looks. I firmly believe everyone needs a solid foundation in strength.

Build a power cage, buy some weights and get to lifting. You'll be glad you did.

[qpop]

First of all, thank you all for what you've posted so far. All interesting views, no doubt. I'm determined to address everything posted so I will.

Also, gymmed yesterday with gf who started "week 2" (read:5) of C25K, she looked like she wasn't enjoying it, but soldiered through. I ran 5k at 11kph, and felt great/pretty rough by the end of it.

You need to Love your gf by taking care of yourself, as opposed to not taking care of yourself to appease her feelings. You two don't have to work out at the same gym or take the same classes. Your post reads like the only thing holding you back is her - but it's really you. Just find something and go to it.

So - buy two small dumbbells and use them for doing push ups - this takes the pressure off your wrist. When you get to 20 start alternating "rows" with each hand when you get to the top to strengthen your core and improve balance. Go buy a huge bag of sand and carry it up and down some stairs. Go to a park and do pullups on the monkey bars or a tree limb. Start looking at "Craigslist" (what's the Brit equivalent?) and buy used weight equipment - start an awesome collection of plates and bars.

In the end you're going to be happier about yourself which will make you a better partner for her. She'll either get on board with you or she won't - but you won't resent her for holding you back.

(Married 20 years)

I have 2 dumb-bells, I never thought of using them as push-up props. Brilliant idea.

As to the idea of lifting at home; I'd love to. Sadly the apartment we're living in just isn't designed. Neither has the space, nor do I have the inclination to thoroughly piss off my neighbours (think: deadlift), due to living on the first floor. I'll address the gf thing further down as others have commented.

I know how you feel man, I've been slammed by a friend who got a little too into practice while going for an arm-bar from guard.

The guy was a total thug. Also 10kg heavier than me. The tournament setup was poor; I fought 4 rounds. Lost the first to the cheating thug, won the second by submission and domination, won the third to the guy that beat me by cheating (epic fight, I went mental and nearly twisted his head off), and lost the fourth to a better skilled opponent. Didn't submit once. Didn't win a medal. A friend there lost 2 fights in a row yet won bronze as there were only 3 competitors in his field. D'oh.

your post sounds to me like there are two issues here: relationship issues and fitness issues. have you and your gf sat down and really talked about your personal goals and how you want to reach them? i ask because you seem to assume alot based on her responses or what you are afraid her responses will be.

my suggestions:

1) think about your goals. you seem to have already done this but think about it and make a short list. where do you want to be in fitness, in life, in your relationship?

2) have a heart to hear with your gf. what are her goals? tell her yours. where do they line up and where do they differ?

3) make a plan. find the places where your goals overlap and do those things together. can you commit to going for a hike every sunday? can you agree to eat a paleo meal (since that's what you like) 2 times per week?

4) agree that you will each take care of the non-overlapping goals for yourself.

5) check in with each other and your goals every so often.

it's already been said but you can't "fix" your gf - you can only fix yourself.

also, this isn't a competition. maybe you're really gung-ho to get in shape but she might not be. you just gotta take care of you and let her take care of her. it's ok to encourage and care but, imo, unless she is seriously unhealthy, all your input might be making her more resistant to the change.

I explained I wanted to have a chat with her last night, but was too tired after gym/shopping/general tomfoolery, so gonna talk tonight. Will broach some of the issues above. Fingers crossed.

Lead by example dude. If you show her that it's pretty easy to get into great shape without drastic measures, it should make her more accepting of the idea

The thing is, I did this last year, became pretty lean due to BJJ, and she just...didn't really do anything. Just missed me when I was training. She wasn't inspired a bit.

This this this this this! I was thinking the exact same things.

You need to worry about YOU and let her worry about herself. By basing all of your decisions off of what she does, you're setting YOU up for failure. If she isn't as into the working out as you are then all you can do is work your hardest to motivate her. If she doesn't want to do it for herself then she won't do it at all. Plain and simple.

These are tests to your relationship. If she isn't willing to do something to improve her health and be the best she can be for you, then you need to figure out what will happen to your relationship in the long run. If you're really motivated and you want to improve yourself for you and for her, then why put so much in when you get so little back? If she isn't willing to sacrifice a few of her meals for paleo ones, what do you think she'll do further down the line if one of you develops some sort of issue that causes you to change your diet. Will she accommodate you or will you be on your own for making separate meals?

I really think this requires a sit down talk. Perhaps you can draw up two sheets that you can both fill out. List your goals in life, career, relationship and fitness. List what you want to do to reach those goals etc. etc. If you don't know where SHE is in her life and where she wants to go, then you can't really help her reach those goals.

I could go on and on but I fear sounding like a self-help book. Bleh.

The diet thing is interesting. I've always eaten a good and varied diet (just too much of it, thus: fat). I had a mum who insisted on whole foods only and we didn't have 1 processed item of food to hand in the house. When gf and I moved in together she wouldn't eat anything green. It's been a long hard road introducing her to various fruit/veg, and her diet is TONS better than it was, entirely thanks to me, but it's like I've reached "breaking point", and shes not prepared to move any further in this respect.

I talked to her last night about her attitude to food, as she'd said she'd really wanted chips (Americans read:fries) for lunch, but had a jacket potato instead. I said "don't you feel good about that choice? That you made a better one?", to which she said "no, I wanted chips and felt bad because I didn't have them." I have the feeling that change for her is going to be tough until her mindset changes; I feel guilty when I eat something "bad", and feel good for turning it down, even if I felt bad at the time.

Dude, It's like I'm reading my own story. I was the fat kid, too. 295 lbs at 12 years old. Yeah, pretty darn big. We are the same height and almost the same size. I suggest lifting heavy things. It will pack on the muscle and totally change the way your body looks. I firmly believe everyone needs a solid foundation in strength.

Build a power cage, buy some weights and get to lifting. You'll be glad you did.

I'd love to. Same thing as above really re:space and living in a flat. I swear my life is conspiring against me right now :@

I'd also like to point out I might have overblown the gf thing. Ultimately I know its her choice but the issues are two-fold. 1) I'm aware of how dangerous, in the long term, running a BMI of 29 ish can be. She unfortunately confuses this concern with the traditional "omg you think I'm fat" (which I don't). 2) I get frustrated as I think "ooh would be nice to go for a walk/run/explore today" and she's not bothered.

Also, I love her dearly and have done since I met her, we've lived together 2 + years now (I'm 22, shes 26, so we're both still young), and it's great. This is just one hurdle I'd love us to jump over hand-in-hand, rather than stand next to and argue about whether to jump it in the first place!

[Guest guest4729]

The diet thing is interesting. I've always eaten a good and varied diet (just too much of it, thus: fat). I had a mum who insisted on whole foods only and we didn't have 1 processed item of food to hand in the house. When gf and I moved in together she wouldn't eat anything green. It's been a long hard road introducing her to various fruit/veg, and her diet is TONS better than it was, entirely thanks to me, but it's like I've reached "breaking point", and shes not prepared to move any further in this respect.

I talked to her last night about her attitude to food, as she'd said she'd really wanted chips (Americans read:fries) for lunch, but had a jacket potato instead. I said "don't you feel good about that choice? That you made a better one?", to which she said "no, I wanted chips and felt bad because I didn't have them." I have the feeling that change for her is going to be tough until her mindset changes; I feel guilty when I eat something "bad", and feel good for turning it down, even if I felt bad at the time.

Sounds like you should start buying some of your own food then, or just eating larger portions of the good things and skipping the bad. If she wants baked chicken for dinner but wants to heat up some chips/french fries with hers, make some veggies for yourself. You're not creating THAT much extra effort. She can pop her side in the over while you make some veggies on the stove. Less food is wasted, you don't feel bad about ruining your diet and she doesn't feel like she HAS to eat your vegetables. Whenever my boyfriend suggests that we eat bad foods I just eat them in moderation and try to eat better the rest of the day. I also tend to choose healthier options like...if we order Chinese I am trying to steer away from the fried foods and I go towards things that aren't drenched in sauce or something terrible.

[qpop]

Sounds like you should start buying some of your own food then, or just eating larger portions of the good things and skipping the bad. If she wants baked chicken for dinner but wants to heat up some chips/french fries with hers, make some veggies for yourself. You're not creating THAT much extra effort. She can pop her side in the over while you make some veggies on the stove. Less food is wasted, you don't feel bad about ruining your diet and she doesn't feel like she HAS to eat your vegetables. Whenever my boyfriend suggests that we eat bad foods I just eat them in moderation and try to eat better the rest of the day. I also tend to choose healthier options like...if we order Chinese I am trying to steer away from the fried foods and I go towards things that aren't drenched in sauce or something terrible.

I'm nearly 100% paleo, I should've pointed this out in the first place. I control the weekly shopping and I do all the cooking, so that's not really an issue. My diet is fine except for about 2 or 3 meals a week, which I'm comfortable with.

[Guest guest4729]

I'm nearly 100% paleo, I should've pointed this out in the first place. I control the weekly shopping and I do all the cooking, so that's not really an issue. My diet is fine except for about 2 or 3 meals a week, which I'm comfortable with.

Ahhhh, okay then. That makes things much easier and makes more sense.

[ebm1224]

this sort of sounds like she's just not into this as much as you are. maybe over time she will get there - you gotta remember she's come a long way in her diet habits...maybe she just isn't ready for as much change as you want. just take care of yourself. it'd be great to do this together but feeling like you're dragging her along is a crappy feeling.

also, it might even be better if you didn't work out together. your comment about looking over at her during the workout and she seemed to be not enjoying her self...reminded me of a few months ago when the bf and i tried out a local gym together. he's not a gym person so i was very concerned whether he was having an ok time...and i know my workout suffered because of it. we ended up not joining the gym at that time for other reasons but recently joined one together...and this post has got me thinking about how we will interact in that environment. i think it's important for me to set the schedule that works for me the best (and thus same for you). i guess working out with a partner just takes a bit more planning...but i think there's a line where you are putting the focus on you in that atmosphere...and let her take care of her.

sorry, i might be rambling...been a long day.

[jessie75]

this sort of sounds like she's just not into this as much as you are. maybe over time she will get there - you gotta remember she's come a long way in her diet habits...maybe she just isn't ready for as much change as you want. just take care of yourself. it'd be great to do this together but feeling like you're dragging her along is a crappy feeling.

also, it might even be better if you didn't work out together. your comment about looking over at her during the workout and she seemed to be not enjoying her self...reminded me of a few months ago when the bf and i tried out a local gym together. he's not a gym person so i was very concerned whether he was having an ok time...and i know my workout suffered because of it. we ended up not joining the gym at that time for other reasons but recently joined one together...and this post has got me thinking about how we will interact in that environment. i think it's important for me to set the schedule that works for me the best (and thus same for you). i guess working out with a partner just takes a bit more planning...but i think there's a line where you are putting the focus on you in that atmosphere...and let her take care of her.

sorry, i might be rambling...been a long day.

This is a really good point!! With you guys have different goals it maybe a good idea to get your work outs done separately so you can make the most of your time in the gym.

As to talking with your girl... have you taken the approach of something like this "I love you, but I'm not your mom, I'm not going to stand over you and nag you to do the things that are good for you. But I want you to know that I am here for support, want to help, and will do anything YOU need me to do to help, not because I want to change you, but simply because I want us to have a long life together." Give her credit for the changes she has already made and then tell her the truth, if she's not into working out thats fine, but she needs to understand that you are going to be taking care of yourself and spending the time needed to do it.

[ebm1224]

well said, jessie!

[qpop]

OK, bit of an update.

We talked for a bit, was hard worked, ended up going into lecture mode accidentally, resulted in minor argument.

Next day we talked again properly, both concluded gym we're at is rubbish, shes not keen on running and it doesn't have any steppers (that she likes using), and she wants to start doing a class or something and they're all rubbish.

Then it turns out an awesome, cheap, new gym, is opening literally 15 minutes walk / 2 minutes drive from our place, with FOUR TONNES of free weights, and lots of cardio kit for her. £45 for joint membership and she seems keen too. Only downside is classes are extra, but there seems to be lots. It opens on Jan 2nd, so I'll read the Starting Strength 3rd Edition book between xmas day and then (as asked mum for it for christmas), and then start a SS workout log.

Thanks for the help and ideas guys, will keep you posted.

[ebm1224]

glad to hear you sat down and talked. if she's excited about the new place and likes classes it will be worth every extra penny...or whatever currency you use

[Ryan Sannar]

How's your girl feel about weightlifting?

[qpop]

How's your girl feel about weightlifting?

I'm working on that.... at the moment she says she'd just feel silly.

[K Po]

I'm working on that.... at the moment she says she'd just feel silly.

Ask her to try it for a month, and then let her decide if she wants to continue with it. Just help her out as much as possible throughout the process, answering questions, teaching form, etc. This way she feels more comfortable during her entire experience with it. If it works, great. If not, you both gave it a chance.

It's similar to what happened with my girlfriend, though she was the one that said she wanted to try lifting. I just asked her to give it an honest shot for a month and she did and ended up liking it.

[ebm1224]

i wouldn't recommend pushing her into weightlifting. as hands off as you can be about her fitness efforts the better. the more you get involved, the more it is likely to negatively impact your relationship. if she asks about weightlifting or asks for your help in any way, of course go for it. but it sounds like you've been pushing her alot in this area for awhile now and it's probably best to be hands off for awhile.

[Ryan Sannar]

Here's another thought. Not saying do it, just think on it. Maybe ask her what she wants you to do? Maybe ask her 5 things she wants you to do with her. You pick 3, then she picks one and you do that for a full month. This way she makes the final choice. In exchange she does something with you for a full month. Wash, rinse, repeat.

Just a suggestion.