learning self love

[AvitusXenoi]

This is my first battle log, but as a parable. I think it belongs on respawn too. hopefully it will resonate with others that are picking themselves back up.

Light plays behind my closed eyes; hypnagogic colors swell and fade in and out of each other. A resonant hum becomes stronger as cerebral frequencies propagate. I stay calm as the wave crashes, paralyzed and falling fast. Breathing steady, my descent slows and my consciousness is. In the formless space a wavering light bubbles before me, and I embrace the vision. I find myself standing amidst vernal hills. Ponderosa pine trees mingle with aspen, purple and yellow wildflowers adorn the grass in the meadow where I stand. All is still and silent; forms that seem substantial shift evanescent upon close inspection. It is a lucid construct, made of memories, and to the silence I bow and speak, "I am ready for my lesson." Immediately the grass under foot flattens and weaves itself into a glyph ten paces across. It is a geometric pattern reminiscent of fractals and ancient eastern mosaics; I have never seen it before but know it to represent my Name, the beingness that guides my form through generation after generation of experience. The grass stops squeaking and writhing. The sound of a bell tolls and grabs me by the heart. It is powerful and terrifying; there is no turning back from this lesson. Something feels wrong, I feel wrong inside and afraid. I feel that I may die now and am not prepared for whatever the truth of that might be. My stomach lurches with a sickening twist and I fall to my hands and knees gagging black bile and staining my Name. Tears burn in my eyes and I wretch again as I feel something enormous making it's way up my throat. I hear bones crack and sinews pop, my jaw opens impossibly wide as a squirming form emerges and slips from my mouth and lands heavily on the grass. The lesson asks more of my courage than I anticipated. I would have deigned to pursue it had I known. Thankful that the purge is over I feel my neck and face to find them whole and look at the black, wriggling mass that is staining the grass beneath me. It is about two feet long and encased in a dark, slimy sheath that I might equate with a diseased placenta. A faint gurgling sound comes from the sack and I am moved to try and free whatever I might find within. I use my hands to wipe away the filth and slime; it smells of poison and unwholesome humours. A small humanoid form is revealed, caught somewhere between babe and man, and after coughing up gobs of bloody black slime it begins to sob with a sorrow that cuts me to my core. It is bound tightly with wires of many colors, red wires of shame, black wires of addiction, green apathy, purple pain and cloudy blue hopelessness. Sparse hair pokes from between the wires round its head, pale skin, and a pungent odor of sickness. The bindings part at its keening mouth and over one blue eye, which rolls towards me and the being laments, "I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I didn't know! I didn't know I'm so sorry!" Tears rush from my own eyes and I put my hand to my mouth, choking as I see what I have done to my self. Abandoning my wisdom, my effort, and my love I have allowed this torment to be. Possessing the capacity to prevent it and to mend it I have yet broken and bound myself. Self-loathing, abuse, doubt and blind lovelessness. Together we mourn for just a few moments. I wipe my eyes and lay a gentle hand upon his head. "It is I who am sorry, little one," as I take his warped face in my hands and kiss his brow. His sorrow abates and we SEE one another. "It will take more than words to mend this, but we WILL mend." Silent tears now stream from the familiar blue eye between the wires. I gather little broken Me up from the stained ground and get to my feet. "Now let's see about getting these wires off of you." Holding Me close and walking towards the summer hills the red wires of shame lose their power and blow away like cinnamon in the wind.

-Thus begins my battle log. I am still working out my goals for my first challenge, I want them to be wise. I want to remove the wires and make my way to vitality. I thank the nerdfitness community for their inspiration. I won't let us down.

[Tanktimus the Encourager]

This is one of the best metaphors for self-discovery and healing I have ever read.

[AvitusXenoi]

Thanks Tank. It feels good to confront where my choices have led me. I am ready to heal. Should have my battle plan ready by tomorrow.

[Tanktimus the Encourager]

Good for you. One of the hardest parts of healing is to forgive oneself, you've made good progress.

[Scooby Chick]

 Eagerly awaiting the light of your goals...

[AvitusXenoi]

Here are my goals, Scooby Chick. Still to add the grading scale.

Alright so I am trying to get my goals straightened out for the challenge and this is what I've come up with:

Main Quest: To attain a lean, strong physique that serves to increase my health and confidence. I have probably 25 pounds of fat to lose and want to put on some muscle as well, so no specific weight goal. 10% Fat by May 18 2016

SQ1-Wake up an hour earlier than usual to prepare a paleo breakfast (6am)

SQ2-Do body weight circuits 3 days per week, monday, Thursday and Saturday

SQ3-Find 10 minutes to meditate each day.

LQ-quit smoking

Motivations:

I have never had any pride in my body. I have never known what it is like to be strong. I have never been truly lean. I have not been free of addiction in 11 years. My mother is dead from lung cancer and my blood pressure is high. I will probably not live another 20 years if I do not change. I want to have pride. I want to be disciplined. I want to make my mother proud.

[Scooby Chick]

Ok there. Now how are you doing on those goals? I see you have a current challenge thread link. I shall check there to make sure you have not been eaten by a dragon or some such nonesense.