Pants that fit?!?!?!?!?

[jessie75]

We had a major drama with my 11 year old yesterday. Turns out she feels that she only has 2 pairs of pants that fit. I made her go show me the other pairs of jeans that she has and while they do technically fit she is just unhappy with ALL of them. So fine, off we go to shop to see what we can do about it.

I went to Kohls because I know they have 16 1/2s in stock and the only other place I know of that stocks them all that regularly is JC Penny's and I was trying NOT to go to the mall this close to Christmas. I kid you not, we tried on 17 pairs of pants. We started in the kids section with the 16 1/2s those were no go so we moved to Jrs and tried on 9s and 11s. EVERY pair she hated. She hates anything snug around her legs, she hates them on her belly, the low rise jeans she feels like they are going to fall off, these pairs give her wedgies. She's pretty much apple shaped at the moment, has none of her curves yet, and wears her pants like a boy (by this I mean she likes them under her belly) so I thought we are finally in the Jrs so maybe the low rise would work?? No!! The one pair of pants she liked were a pair of yoga pants with a wide waist band that she folded in half. The problem I had with those was that when she folded it over half her butt was hanging out. Granted she wears her shirts long enough that its probably not an issue.

Is this just normal? (I didn't have this issue with my eldest) Is this her body conscious issues carrying over to this (she sees a councilor for a variety of reasons including her body image) ? Is she just being to picky? Is it that all of her friends are tiny and shop at Justice in the mall? Should I skip Jrs completely and try her in Woman's? (though she has no hips or butt yet so she is going to look pretty silly)

[ETFnerd]

Can't offer advice, but as a fellow parent, she's lucky to have you for a mom. My mom would have slapped the sh!t out of me...

[Guest Carjack]

Jeans suck. I only wear sweat pants, and so should everybody else.

[67alecto]

My son is 9, and he is very aware of how he feels things "fit" and can be pretty picky with what he will wear. Because he is extremely tall (he's already 5' tall at 9 years old) and growing like a weed, we try to keep an eye on what he's wearing so we can determine when we need to get him new clothes.

As a parent, there's a certain amount of denial involved, so like you, we recently reached a breaking point where I had to step in and throw out all but 3 pairs of pants (2 jeans, one athletic) because all of the rest no longer fit. The denial centers around...I can't believe we need to get them new clothes, I just bought them! In this case, all of the pants we bought back in August for school were all too short.

Sometimes, it seriously feels like they grew 2 inches since last week. I sat down on his bed last week and went through all of his shirts, pajamas, and pants.

He went from 2 overflowing drawers of shirts to 1 that wasn't quite full. 10 pairs of pants had to go, and all but 2 pajama pants were too small. My nephews will be set for clothes for the next few years.

I hated to do it, but I had to get him some new clothes even though I'm sure he'll get some for Christmas.

[scarletleavy]

Is this just normal? (I didn't have this issue with my eldest) Is this her body conscious issues carrying over to this (she sees a councilor for a variety of reasons including her body image) ? Is she just being to picky? Is it that all of her friends are tiny and shop at Justice in the mall? Should I skip Jrs completely and try her in Woman's? (though she has no hips or butt yet so she is going to look pretty silly)

This sounds like the crux of the issue here.

Sadly I think body image/issues are pretty common among pre-teen and teenage girls. I think she's probably being picky, but it also sounds like there are some real issues behind it that she might not be able to articulate so well quite yet.

I would skip Juniors and put her into Woman's. Or better yet I would take her to a store with a variety of sizes and get some fitting help from a sales person, it could be helpful and less emotional to have some advice from a neutral outside party. You said she found a pair of yoga pants that fit, maybe go to a Yoga/Athletic/Sportswear store to look at some yoga type pants. I've seen a lot of nice stylish athletic wear in a variety of fabrics so she might be able to find something there that she likes. I don't know if it's in your budget, but if this is a continuing problem perhaps consider as a gift a personal shopper appointment at a department store to help her find some stylish things that fit. If all her friends are tiny and wearing cute clothes from some popular store, she probably does feel left out and awkward, especially if her body is different from theirs.

[jessie75]

My son is 9, and he is very aware of how he feels things "fit" and can be pretty picky with what he will wear. Because he is extremely tall (he's already 5' tall at 9 years old) and growing like a weed, we try to keep an eye on what he's wearing so we can determine when we need to get him new clothes.

As a parent, there's a certain amount of denial involved, so like you, we recently reached a breaking point where I had to step in and throw out all but 3 pairs of pants (2 jeans, one athletic) because all of the rest no longer fit. The denial centers around...I can't believe we need to get them new clothes, I just bought them! In this case, all of the pants we bought back in August for school were all too short.

Sometimes, it seriously feels like they grew 2 inches since last week. I sat down on his bed last week and went through all of his shirts, pajamas, and pants.

He went from 2 overflowing drawers of shirts to 1 that wasn't quite full. 10 pairs of pants had to go, and all but 2 pajama pants were too small. My nephews will be set for clothes for the next few years.

I hated to do it, but I had to get him some new clothes even though I'm sure he'll get some for Christmas.

Some of this is going on. Also the fact that when I tried to take her school shopping at the beginning of the year she didn't want to spend time trying things on to find what fit. So she was still wearing clothes from the Spring before. When I slowed down to think about it I wasn't all that surprised she needed new clothes, it was just that they FIT, just not a way she likes. Oh well. I also need to work on her ability to tell me WHY she doesn't like something...

This sounds like the crux of the issue here.

Sadly I think body image/issues are pretty common among pre-teen and teenage girls. I think she's probably being picky, but it also sounds like there are some real issues behind it that she might not be able to articulate so well quite yet.

I would skip Juniors and put her into Woman's. Or better yet I would take her to a store with a variety of sizes and get some fitting help from a sales person, it could be helpful and less emotional to have some advice from a neutral outside party. You said she found a pair of yoga pants that fit, maybe go to a Yoga/Athletic/Sportswear store to look at some yoga type pants. I've seen a lot of nice stylish athletic wear in a variety of fabrics so she might be able to find something there that she likes. I don't know if it's in your budget, but if this is a continuing problem perhaps consider as a gift a personal shopper appointment at a department store to help her find some stylish things that fit. If all her friends are tiny and wearing cute clothes from some popular store, she probably does feel left out and awkward, especially if her body is different from theirs.

like her councilor says "Middle school is the pits" my mom says "Every middle school girls should have a councilor" (mom taught middle school for several years)

She is already 5ft tall, and weighs around 130 with a medium to large build. All of her friends are shorter than she is and weigh in at 90 - 100 lbs etc. She is having a hard time understanding the correlation between height and weight. Yes she may be a little heavy, but not by much and any minute now its all going to start shifting in the ways that girls do. I HATE how obsessed the girls her age are with how they look. She isn't obsessed, but it affects her when those tiny little 90lb girls who are SUPER fine boned start talking about how they are fat and need to lose weight. I was hoping we could get in there and find her a couple of pairs of jeans that she would like to tide her over a bit. The more I think about this the more I think its that she is just unhappy with her body, which nothing but time will change. I am working on getting her more active with me, while trying not to push it to hard. And working on her 'healthy choices' and getting her to be more active.

When I take her out today we will try some womans sizes and more yoga pants

[67alecto]

She is already 5ft tall, and weighs around 130 with a medium to large build. All of her friends are shorter than she is and weigh in at 90 - 100 lbs etc. She is having a hard time understanding the correlation between height and weight. Yes she may be a little heavy, but not by much and any minute now its all going to start shifting in the ways that girls do. I HATE how obsessed the girls her age are with how they look. She isn't obsessed, but it affects her when those tiny little 90lb girls who are SUPER fine boned start talking about how they are fat and need to lose weight. I was hoping we could get in there and find her a couple of pairs of jeans that she would like to tide her over a bit. The more I think about this the more I think its that she is just unhappy with her body, which nothing but time will change. I am working on getting her more active with me, while trying not to push it to hard. And working on her 'healthy choices' and getting her to be more active.

Definitely need to get her more active - it is important to find an activity she enjoys that will help her burn calories. At 5' and 130lbs, she is medically "obese". My son is 5' and weighs 80lbs, for example. I'm not sure what height she can expect to reach, but you'll want to get her "going" activity-wise, so to speak.

Mentally, she needs to come to understand her body type and what kind of influence she can have on it. As her parent, you have a great opportunity to provide a positive example and a good influence on her now.

[scarletleavy]

Mentally, she needs to come to understand her body type and what kind of influence she can have on it. As her parent, you have a great opportunity to provide a positive example and a good influence on her now.

I think this is a really important point. It took me years, including several years of seriously disordered eating behaviors and patterns, to realize that everyone's bodies are different and you have to do the best you can with the body you were born with. I have a pretty athletic build and when I was younger all I wanted was to be the tall and thin model type. I've had to learn to accept the body I have and work to make it the best possible. It is hard, because there are so many pressures all around, but your daughter is lucky to have a mother who cares. Just keep talking to her and staying involved in her life, try to get her to find something active that she enjoys.

[Guest Carjack]

Female models targeted at men are definitely not the "tall and thin model type" and the body mass index is useless for determining that someone is fat.

[ebm1224]

gosh i have such vivid memories from this time in my life! i was about 5ft2 in 5th grade and about 120 lbs. i already had hips and a little bit of a chest and i just...didn't know what to do with it. the other girls in my class wore children's clothing and i had to shop in adult or junior sections. to top it off, i had bad skin and didn't know what to do with my hair. ah...the awkward years

i don't really know how i got through clothes wise...i think i just had a very understanding mom...and i wore alot of leggings. although your daughter may be a bit on the heavy side, i don't think it's a huge deal so long as she's eating healthy and staying active...alot of girls i know got a little chubby before puberty hit and then things just moved around so that they were good again...a couple inches makes a big difference.

as for clothes, i think you just have to grin and bear it. let her know her body is changing and it won't be like this forever...she'll feel more comfortable soon. in the meantime, she's in luck because wearing leggings with longer tops is in style right now so she can get away with that. if she really wants to wear jeans, try to stay away from trendy stores since they likely won't fit right (or if they do she might be upset that she has to wear a bigger size than her friends...or that the jeans just don't look the same on her as they do on them). try old navy...they seem to have a good variety of cuts that work for most everyone. hell, let her try on men's pants maybe since they are cut differently than women's and might be more comfortable for now.

good luck on getting through this phase with her. it's tough. oh, and you might want to consider introducting her to dance at this age. granted, maybe not any classes that require she wear anthing too tight (since that might make her uncomfortable) , but a jazz or hip hop class...even ballroom. i took dance growing up and it gave me a certain body confidence that i wouldn't have had otherwise. granted, my self image was still kinda low but, at least in dance class, i felt comfortable in my skin.

good luck!

[jessie75]

Definitely need to get her more active - it is important to find an activity she enjoys that will help her burn calories. At 5' and 130lbs, she is medically "obese". My son is 5' and weighs 80lbs, for example. I'm not sure what height she can expect to reach, but you'll want to get her "going" activity-wise, so to speak.

Mentally, she needs to come to understand her body type and what kind of influence she can have on it. As her parent, you have a great opportunity to provide a positive example and a good influence on her now.

I totally agree I need to get her up and moving now and teach her that she is in control of the choices she makes. This is one of our challenges for the New Year and I have several plans in my head to help (Starting with the xbox and just dance3, but anywho)

Just so you know at 130 and 5' she falls just over the over weight line by less than a point. And I agree with Carjack that BMI is a STOOPID thing to begin with, it has more to do with insurance rates than health, but it is a standard that society clings to.

I think this is a really important point. It took me years, including several years of seriously disordered eating behaviors and patterns, to realize that everyone's bodies are different and you have to do the best you can with the body you were born with. I have a pretty athletic build and when I was younger all I wanted was to be the tall and thin model type. I've had to learn to accept the body I have and work to make it the best possible. It is hard, because there are so many pressures all around, but your daughter is lucky to have a mother who cares. Just keep talking to her and staying involved in her life, try to get her to find something active that she enjoys.

Right now she doesn't like ANYTHING. We just keep trying to find things, throwing things at the wall till something sticks. I live in fear of her developing an ED. But you are absolutely right in that there is going to come a point where she just has to learn to maximize her assets and understand that not all people are built the same. I think the Xbox will help, and I am planning for a VERY active summer. Again I need to get her to understand that it is a choice.

[jessie75]

good luck on getting through this phase with her. it's tough. oh, and you might want to consider introducting her to dance at this age. granted, maybe not any classes that require she wear anthing too tight (since that might make her uncomfortable) , but a jazz or hip hop class...even ballroom. i took dance growing up and it gave me a certain body confidence that i wouldn't have had otherwise. granted, my self image was still kinda low but, at least in dance class, i felt comfortable in my skin.

good luck!

Thank you!! She went through a very brief phase where she thought she wanted to be a karate and yoga instructor when she grew up. I asked her just recently if she wanted to start Karate classes (I'm at a point where I can afford them) and she said no. Her sister will be starting up shortly and I'm hoping that if I get her more active and she starts to feel more comfortable in her self she will want to get in. She just has nothing she really likes yet.

[Shortkaik]

I was in a similar situation to where it sounds like your daughter is at that age. I was the tallest kid in my class, and getting on the larger side (I remember being a about 145 at 13, probably 5'4). I wouldn't wear anything except baggy jeans and baggy t-shirts. My mom didn't really know what to do to help, and the fact that you are here makes me think you're probably in a much better position. I think it's important to not only educate her about body image, but to educate her about health and fitness while she's young. Try to explain why some foods are good and some are bad, and how exercising is important for health (at that age I was pretty much glued to my game controllers). Explain that you want your body to look/be healthy, not 'skinny'.

As for the pants problem, what I would recommend trying is going to a thift store or a store like Value Village (called Savers in the US, I think?) where there are used clothes. There will be a huge variety of sizes, shapes, and styles to try out. Try on some different things, and they are usually $5 or less per pair so if you pick some up and decide they just don't work after a while, it's not such a big loss. Or, if you object to buying used clothes or something, you can at least get a better idea for what it is about her body type that requires a different fit, and what that fit might be that you should be looking for!

This kind of thing is how I learned that my waist-to-crotch measurement was a lot shorter than most pants were designed for. After that I have been able to look at a pair of pants a get a better feel for how well it will fit me.

Good luck!

[ETFnerd]

She just has nothing she really likes yet.

I don't think it's a problem until you're in your third year of college. Let her explore, but provide many points of reference so that she has a sound basis for decision making. It worked for Leonardo DaVinci and Ben Franklin...

['Roos]

Just a thought (and I know this is out of left field in the 'pants that fit' discussion) but have you thought of skirts? They're not the best active wear, but a skirt and a pair of boxers underneath preserve modesty and can be cute and comfortable. I'm transitioning my wardrobe from slacks and jeans to dresses and skirts more, and really happy with the results. (also, I am getting better at not randomly flashing people while wearing a skirt!)

I was exactly the same with hating things that clung to my thighs (hilariously impossible to find something like that - between fencing and riding horses I had and still have MASSIVE quads) and things that cut in at the waist. I live in elastic'y shorts until I was 15 or 16 (not possible anywhere but southern california). Encourage her to try out different cuts of things. Look for slacks (sometimes they're cut very generously in the thigh and I'm still a huge fan of a good pair of slacks) or stretchy bolero style pants - comfy! I would do yearly trips to the thrift store to try on everything - there's often 'dated' cuts of pants which look absolutely lovely on certain people, and are great. Best pair of pants I have right now were wool ladies' pants from a salvation army.

ALSO, the advantage of going to something like the thrift shop is that you can treat it more like a trip to go do dress up, and so the DIRE DRAMA OF BEING IN JR HIGH SCHOOL is removed a bit and you can just do an honest run through a bunch of different pants. Also, JEANS SUCK. If you can get her out of jeans like, half your problems probably will disappear.

On another note, REI has great active-wear pants - they're generally durable and built for you going mountain climbing or getting in a street fight. Pretty awesome, in short.

[Sloth the Enduring]

Is this just normal? (I didn't have this issue with my eldest) Is this her body conscious issues carrying over to this (she sees a councilor for a variety of reasons including her body image) ? Is she just being to picky? Is it that all of her friends are tiny and shop at Justice in the mall?

I teach in a middle school and I would guess yes to all of these. Unfortunately, I doubt that she is going to find clothes that likes until she likes how she looks.

Should I skip Jrs completely and try her in Woman's? (though she has no hips or butt yet so she is going to look pretty silly)

I would say no. If all of her friends are shopping at Justice or Hollister, putting her in "old lady's clothes" will make her feel worse. If you get up north, theres a store at the Mall Of America whose target market is the non-skinny teen girl, I think it's called Torrid. I've never shopped there, but a couple of my friends who have teens love it.

Good luck.

[jessie75]

I found her a pair of sweat pants at walmart and just brought them home for her to try on figuring if they didn't fit her her sister would probably use them for PJs or something. She says she likes them. I'm going to have her wear them today to see for sure and then maybe go get her a couple more pairs in some different colors. They don't have the elastic in the bottom of the leg so they don't look quite so much like sweats.

[ebm1224]

yay! i had a pair of what i used to call "fashionable sweatpants" in high school that i loved.