Sometimes you just have to restart the game.

[SammehCat]

My fitness story started probably around my senior year of high school (2011-2012), but to summarize the beginning, my diet was crap but consistent, but I took athletic weights at school and really loved it, so while my weight didn't really change, I really solidified my love of being strong.

 

About a year after high school, i found nerd fitness, and I loved it; the articles, the stories, the videos on youtube, and the forums. It gave me the inspiration to clean up my diet and to make a little progress every day towards a goal of being fit, and it worked! Over the course of 6-7 months, I lost 30 pounds. I went on walks with my dogs, I actually wanted to go swimming, I got to go shop for clothes and not want to cry when the clothes didn't fit or because of how I looked in the mirror (I was never really a big fan of myself). The healthiest point of my life was at 19 years old, freshly married, and relocated to a different state.

It's worth briefly mentioning that I do have a fun and lengthy backstory. the tl;dr is that I ran out of prozac and wasn't under my husband's health insurance (tricare) yet, I didn't get to take my pets, and I lived in a place that was really hostile towards fatter women. On top of that, I think my husband could probably eat an entire horse, or at least, enough food that would be a horse's weight. He really sucked at supporting my goal of healthy food and I quickly became victim to taco bell and birthday cake oreos. And entire bags of sun chips. I essentially binged for three months and gained the thirty pounds I had lost.

I was devastated. I felt like a disappointment. I felt guilty, and I knew how much that military town hated fat women. I became depressed and more self-conscious than I've probably ever been in my life, and that includes that awkward middle school stage. While my husband has always loved me and has never felt ashamed of me, he never could relate to the emotional impact of gaining all that weight in half the time it took to lose it. He also is lucky enough to not feel a whole lot of shame when it comes to weight, and I'm glad he doesn't, but it made it hard for him to understand me when I wanted to cry after eating a whole bag of chips by myself in one night.

What followed was basically several attempts to put myself back on the healthy path, but unfortunately, my mindset had already been poisoned. All I could think about was weight and fat and calories. I didn't realize how toxic I was, and every attempt to lose weight for the past two years has ended in not only failure but in putting myself even further away from my goal. I became that person who thought that losing weight would fix the way I hated myself, and every time I put on more weight (because trying to eat too few calories only made me binge), I hated myself more.
 

I kept thinking that if I just ate the same food and the same amount as I did the first time, I'd lose the weight. If I could go walking for an hour several times a week and exercise at home, if I could go to the gym for two hours several times a week, while eating the same amount of food as I did with essentially light exercise, I'd lose the weight.


And what I'm getting at here is, while I am playing the same game, I need to accept that I am no longer that character, and every attempt to play as that character now is just hurting me. So here I am, putting an end to one save file, and starting up a new one; one that will focus on health and happiness, not just numbers and guilt.

[Tanktimus the Encourager]

Welcome back. That's a tough experience you've been through, I'm sorry you had to deal with all that. We're all here to support you. 

You mentioned trying something different. What is your plan this time around?

[Lou186000]

SammehCat, it takes a good deal of courage to jump in again, so congratulations on respawning! You have some experience in the NF forums, which is great. I've personally found the community to be very supportive, and that simply posting to the forums creates a level of accountability that really helps keep me on track. As Tanktimus asked, do you have a plan moving forward? 

 

[Red Alastor]

Welcome back! It's not a matter of never falling, but of always finding the nerve to stand up and try one more time.

 

I can almost certainly tell you that nobody gets anything right the first time, let alone life itself. 

 

I agree with Tanktimus, what is you plan this time around?

[SammehCat]

My general plan is to follow a lot of what I did the first time, but at the pace I am now. For example, I can't suddenly switch my diet. I won't be focusing on the number of calories, but instead on nutrition and what makes my body happy. I won't suddenly deprive myself of junk, I'll just transition at a pace that I can handle.

For example, the last time I went to the grocery store I stocked up on a lot of fruit and veggies, both fresh and canned, and I also bought some junk like Popsicles and chips. I gave myself a lot of choices, and I was able to rationalize with my brain that I should focus on eating the fresh fruit and veggies because they will go bad if I decide to eat the junk or canned stuff first. And my mind and body were both really happy to eat the fresh stuff. Then when I did eat the chips, they were good, but they didn't really make my body happy. When I ate the Popsicles, they were much too sweet (in fact, the first Popsicle I had out of the box, I shared with two other people because it was just too much for any of us to eat alone). Now that it's nearly time to go to the store again, my body isn't really craving the junk anymore. It's more interested in the fresh stuff.

As for exercise, I'm going to revert back to light exercise. I'm plenty fatter (give or take 15-20 lbs) than the first time I lost weight, and trust me, it's not secretly muscle. I'm mostly focusing on trying to restrengthen my body. I'm not really going for specifically muscle growth or fat loss. I'm just focusing on not being winded from walking up stairs or around the park, and doing a simple body weight work out at home.

My husband is talking about buying a new pair of running shoes and going for jogs with me, and how he'd also would have to clean up his diet too if he actually started doing it (he gained some fat after leaving the military). While I think it would be wonderful if he and I both started working out and eating better together, I'm not really holding my breath. He talks a lot about how he should, but he often never starts. However, if I take him to the store and make him buy the shoes, I think that would give him the push to start, so I'm going to try that.

I've also taken to being honest with my husband about when I'm feeling guilty or afraid of food, and I've joined some groups on Facebook so I can be open and honest with people who know what it's like to struggle with uncontrollable overeating. My husband is starting to have a better understanding of what's happening in my head and why I have certain reactions that he always found random while eating, and I'm feeling less impulse to over eating. Like today! On my lunch at work, I went the store next door to get some muffins. I planned on eating one throughout today and saving the other breakfast, then I thought about buying Oreos and there was a deal for 2/$5, and I really thought about getting some. But I actually managed to leave the store with just two muffins, and I ended up sharing half of today's muffin with my husband. Before, I wouldn't have been able to resist. I'd be sitting here with a belly full of two muffins and probably at least half of one container of Oreos wanting to cry over how pathetic I am.

So! Sorry for the huuuuuuuuge post, and thank you all for your support.

[Lou186000]

My general plan is to follow a lot of what I did the first time, but at the pace I am now. For example, I can't suddenly switch my diet. I won't be focusing on the number of calories, but instead on nutrition and what makes my body happy. I won't suddenly deprive myself of junk, I'll just transition at a pace that I can handle.

....

My husband is talking about buying a new pair of running shoes and going for jogs with me, and how he'd also would have to clean up his diet too if he actually started doing it (he gained some fat after leaving the military). While I think it would be wonderful if he and I both started working out and eating better together, I'm not really holding my breath. He talks a lot about how he should, but he often never starts. However, if I take him to the store and make him buy the shoes, I think that would give him the push to start, so I'm going to try that.

 

 

Those seem like some really positive changes you're making, well done! I think it's a good move to not cut out the junk all at once. For me personally, that's made me go bonkers and overeat when I do have a craving, but I'll admit there are times when I probably just shouldn't have the junk in the house at all. And yeah, sales at the grocery store are killer. As they say, it pays to shop on a full tummy.

 

Re: your husband working out with you: my wife works out with me sometimes, but most of the time she just doesn't have it in her. I'd love her to be with me in all my nutritional and fitness endeavors, but she's just not there yet and I don't feel like it's appropriate to force her. Yet she's really supportive, and one thing I really am thankful for his how she's so accepting of me how I am and however I look. With that in mind I think you're doing great in communicating with him what you need and that he's so receptive to it, it's a strong place from which to start this endeavor.

[Red Alastor]

Hey! Congratulations on resisting the urge to buy the Oreos! That was good step!

 

As for the popsicle, I found that the less sweets I eat, the more sensible my tastebuds are to the "sweet" flavor; so I suddenly discover just how much sugar certain foods have and try to slowly move to a different kind of dessert, like fruit, nuts and dark chocolate.

 

I hope your husband jumps in the same wagon as you (it's always easier with more people on board), but don't wait for him to do it... in the end you are the only person responsible for your body and the way you feel