Allons-y!

[ArtificerFela]

Hello out there...

I'm a newbie finally poking my head out of the woodwork after a few weeks of lurking, finally trying to get a plan together for myself, get my head on straight, and start actively turning my hand to my health -- and actively getting involved in a community of other folks trying to do the same.

 

I'm a 31-year-old married stay at home mom, living in the mountains of North Carolina. At December rolls toward January, I've been increasingly more mindful of how 2015 didn't go at all like I'd hoped. To back the story up a bit...

I've been overweight since I was about 8 years old or so, my weight fluctuating between 160-180 lbs throughout high school, college, and grad school. When my husband and I got married, newlywed-life-food (i.e. "oh, I'll do something nice for my husband and make bacon cheese fries!" type thinking) had me up to juuuuuust under 200 lbs. soon after we got married. We started talking about having kids, and we both REALLY wanted to get in better shape first, or at least be headed that way -- so we shared an online Weight Watchers subscription and I lost 45 lbs. I was perfectly happy at 155 lbs and maintained it for half a year before I got pregnant with our daughter, then went on to maintain a healthy pregnancy without gaining more weight that I ought to have. "Yay!" I said. "I know how to cook and eat healthily now and exercise enough to keep my strength up, life is set, all is roses and happiness and unicorns and rainbows."

The following year was pretty rough. I had had to have an emergency c-section to have my daughter, and recovery from that was difficult. It was really 6 months or so before I back up to speed afterward. It was at that time that I quit my job to help my mother take care of my 95-year-old grandmother with Alzheimer's disease, and that took a lot of my time and effort, along with having a baby to take care of as well as my husband. When my daughter's first birthday rolled around, I hadn't lost any of my pregnancy weight and had gained about 10 more pounds. I was back at 180.

I re-joined WW and vowed that I was going to get back into pre-pregnancy shape at the end of 2014. I had some moderate success early in the year until my local WW group was disbanded due to low participation, and I thought I didn't need it anyway, that I could keep it up on my own. But it seems like since that happened, I haven't been able to have any success at all -- and have gained back the 15 lbs I had managed to lose. It drove me crazy that I couldn't seem to get the scale to go down beyond 165. I tried "diet" after "diet" masked as "lifestyle changes" -- we did a Whole30 and most of our meals are paleo-ish and low-carb, but as I started looking harder and harder at what I ate and trying more and more methods of cleaning up my diet, I started feeling like more and more of a psychological mess and developing some really unhealthy eating problems and thoughts. I honestly never had a binge problem until this summer, but there have been a number of times in the past six months when I've approached a trigger food and had what I'd call an actual binge. I would try to straighten myself out and get back on the wagon or find a new "wagon" of counting calories or using a FitBit or doing a detox or cutting out sugar/caffeine/carbs/random things completely. It's gotten to the point that I can't even seem to make it a week without my plans falling to pieces.

This has been really rough on my husband, too. He gained back all the weight he had lost while I was pregnant, too (is back up to around 400 lbs), and since our daughter was born he has been diagnosed with Type 2 diabetes at age 28. That's serious, and that's really, REALLY scary to the both of us, and he's trying to make some changes on his own, and I want to help him in every way I can. I feel like when I fall off the wagon and don't cook every meal for him or remember to pack his lunch or let sugary/carb-y foods come in the house that I fail not just me but our whole family. He's said that he's given up on me when it comes to me being able to stick with a plan or feeding him three healthy meals a day on a regular basis (I always cook dinner and try to get up to cook him breakfast and pack lunch every day, but when I would miss a morning he wouldn't have anything, so he's recently just started eating only one meal at dinner time each day, and I know that's bad for him -- he says he's not going to bother cooking for himself and that he eats fewer calories this way, but I know it makes him miserable, and if I want him to have anything to eat it's up to me to make it... and really, since I don't work, I don't have any excuse not to, other than laziness). 

We've also been trying for a second child all of last year with no luck, which has been emotionally harder on me than I've really admitted to anyone IRL. I've dealt with feeling like my body betrayed me with the emergency c-section before, and I feel betrayed by it every day when it comes to how my metabolism has changed, the fact that I let myself be so easily led astray by cravings, that I give into the blech that keeps me from committing to changes, that it's looking increasingly more likely that my parts for making small humans aren't working as they should. I'm supposed to go get a physical in January, and I plan to talk to my doctor about this stuff then, but I know she's going to tell me to do what I already know -- start by losing weight, making my diet better, getting in better shape.

I HAVE to find a way to fight the voice inside me that says "You'll never really be able to change," "even if you lose some weight you'll just gain it back," "it's your fault your husband isn't going to live to see his daughter grow up," "you'll just try something new and fail at it within a week or two," "it's not even worth believing in yourself if your husband has given up on you." I know that last time we succeeded in losing weight together, we both had better attitudes -- we actually had hope and believed we could do it. I've lost my husband's faith in me, but I know that I have to at least get myself in the right headspace for anything to work, and I'm sure that my own attitude has been a HUGE part of why I fall off the wagon when I do and why it's so hard for me to get back on when I make mistakes (if I had an easy time of "just start again with what you know you ought to do with your next meal" this probably wouldn't be a problem... it's usually a 3-4 day period of "I already f***ed up, this ____ isn't going to make a difference" and the (incorrect!) believe that comfort foods actually make me feel better even though I know they don't really). I *do* think it's essential that I do this with others -- that was a big part of what worked for me before, and since my husband isn't really going to do this with me in terms of being an active participant in trying to do it rather than just eating what I cook, I hope I've found a place where I can talk about this sort of stuff with others (who also happen to share a lot other nerdy things I'm interested in!). I'm trying to take things slow this time getting my head around what will be the easiest and yet most effective plan of eating that I can stick with the best and a fitness routine that is doable for a mom with a very hands-on two-year-old -- I want to figure out how to make this really achievable for me, not just an ambitious idea that I can't follow through with.

 

If you have any encouragement, words of advice, or anything else to share, I would most definitely appreciate it

 

Allons-y!

 

[Kes]

Welcome!

 

That little voice of doubt about yourself is a lying liar who lies.  You did succeed and accomplish what you wanted, so you know that you can do it.  You're just presently struggling.  Part of the process of growth is falling off the wagon and picking yourself back up again, and learning from the experience. It isn't a failure; it's a growth experience, and it's often a necessary one.  If you don't fail at something at least a few times, you aren't challenging yourself with it.    You know that you can do it because you've done it before.  In the meantime you went through a rough patch (an emergency C-section is a traumatic experience, both psychologically and physically, as are struggling with fertility issues and caring for elderly relatives - give yourself permission to recognize that and heal from it).

 

Regaining the weight back and having struggled in the past year or so doesn't mean that you're intrinsically undisciplined, and struggling with food-related emotional issues right now doesn't mean that you're damaged or incapable.

 

It sounds like food and exercise in general have become anxiety-provoking for you.  See if you can reframe how you think of eating in a healthy way and exercising - as something you do out of self-love, and not because you're in a fight with your body or your mental/emotional state. This is something you're ultimately doing for you, not because you owe it to anybody else or to prove that you're good enough.

 

What are the things that support you, and what are the things that hold you back, and how many of the things which hold you back can be eliminated? If you can see what resources you have and what you're up against, it's easier to figure out a plan that works.

 

 

I feel like when I fall off the wagon and don't cook every meal for him or remember to pack his lunch or let sugary/carb-y foods come in the house that I fail not just me but our whole family. He's said that he's given up on me when it comes to me being able to stick with a plan or feeding him three healthy meals a day on a regular basis (I always cook dinner and try to get up to cook him breakfast and pack lunch every day, but when I would miss a morning he wouldn't have anything, so he's recently just started eating only one meal at dinner time each day, and I know that's bad for him -- he says he's not going to bother cooking for himself and that he eats fewer calories this way, but I know it makes him miserable, and if I want him to have anything to eat it's up to me to make it... and really, since I don't work, I don't have any excuse not to, other than laziness).

 

Okay, so I don't know you beyond this post and I don't know your husband.  But this is kind of concerning.  He's putting all the onus and blame on you?  Even though he needs these improvements more than you do?  This is an extra burden you don't need.  He should have been helping to take care of you after the c-section and the subsequent family issues you've been struggling with, not castigating you for your response to the stress.  Taking care of a child is a full-time job, and it's unreasonable to expect you to handle all the food preparation for the household and to blame you when he isn't eating properly.  Ultimately his health is his responsibility, not yours.

 

Do you two have time/resources for some sort of marital or family counseling? Because it sounds like your relationship may be an additional source of stress and pressure at the moment, which may make it more difficult to succeed if it isn't addressed.  An affirming relationship can be great, but anything less can sometimes be a lodestone.

[ArtificerFela]

Thanks for the awesomely helpful and encouraging welcome

 

This question you asked in particular got me thinking, so I sat down during girlie's naptime just now and started taking inventory...

 

 

 

What are the things that support you, and what are the things that hold you back, and how many of the things which hold you back can be eliminated? If you can see what resources you have and what you're up against, it's easier to figure out a plan that works.

 

 

 

Things that support me:

• Having a community of support. Online is good - easy access, on my own time schedule, no external pressure to “show up†or talk unless I feel like it.

• Being able to keep a record -- but on my own terms. I like getting to decide what I record and how I do it (i.e. can food journal rather than use a system that counts calories, can adapt it to my specific needs)

• Having wiggle room built in. This was the best part about my weekly flex points in WW which made a big difference on how I could have some leeway without the guilt of “cheating†(also what I HATE about tracking with FitBit -- absolutely no wiggle room. Spark was okay with this - at least it gives a calorie range. Think MFP was okay, too.)

• Reward system. I know there’s evidence that external rewards don’t actually help reinforce real change, but they honestly do keep me motivated, sadly. I was SUPER invested in getting my 10% body weight loss token with WW, loved getting my 5 lb stars, actually even was motivated by Sparkpoints on Spark, and they mean absolutely nothing. Would love to set up a not-super-expensive (or food-centered!) reward system for myself.

• Being open about what I’m doing with my family. When I’ve tried to start a new thing without actually telling my husband in detail about it, he sabotages me without realizing it -- but when he knows (and sees) that I’m trying to be committed to it he really does try not to hinder my progress, even if he doesn’t want to actively participate himself -- same with other relatives I’m around a lot, like my mom.

• Having dessert/treat options that have no guilt attached to them. Being able to have something that registers as a treat without it triggering guilt shuts down both the cravings and the guilt -- going cold turkey without any sort of “treat†option or snack options makes the cravings - eating things - guilt cycle ramp up hardcore.

• Being able to measure exercise/fitness progress. I love my Fitbit for this -- don’t like tracking my food with the Fitbit app for various reasons (I like other food trackers or just food journaling better) but I love seeing my daily progress and meeting my goal. It’s also really helpful to me to see just how much I walk around just taking care of my toddler. I tend to think “I don’t do anything except sit around†when I usually get 3-4k steps per day at minimum just running around after her!

• Taking time for myself. I try to do this a little every weekday at least. Taking some time to just sit down and read things online, crochet, watch a little Netflix, anything for 30-60 minutes keeps me much saner and happier than I am if I have absolutely no time to myself in a day. Usually it’s days when I don’t get just a little bit of “me†time that I find myself more pulled toward comfort foods.

• I do better when I actually plan out exactly what I’m going to eat for each meal every day than when I just have a general idea of “oh, I have… uh… some stuff I could fix, I guess.†Even if I deviate from the plan, I still tend to eat healthier and actually know what I have to cook rather than having to deal with the step of figuring something out since I can at least look and see the options from other days.

 

Things that hold me back:

• Internalizing negative feelings. Criticism from my husband (whether or not he means for me to internalize it and go over it again and again), guilt over mistakes, worry over various situations… the more I let negative feelings stew, the more likely I am to not eat well and to not be able to bounce back onto my plan after I do slip up. It helps to be able to recognize when it’s happening and walk myself through whether it’s something I can do anything about or not and let it go if it’s not.

• - All-or-nothing mentality. I’m terrible for doing this, and it’s going to take a lot of conscious effort on my part to find alternative ways to think about things, even maybe learning how to recognize it when it’s happening and some “scripts†to tell myself when I notice it.

• A million tiny challenges. I often let the little things pile up into a big pile that keeps me from making better decisions. Things like I didn’t get enough sleep + toddler had a rough day + I didn’t eat enough for breakfast and lunch to not be starving at dinner + husband had a rough day = FROZEN PIZZA IT IS. Knowing easy, quick, cheap, healthy options are really the only thing that gets me through this. I’ve found when meal planning before that it helps a lot if I go ahead and plan on a few nights of suuuuuper easy meals and keep those reserved back for rough days it helps me stay on track.

• Eating out is rough. I think it’s that way for anybody trying to not eat the Standard American Diet, but it just sucks. There are options that are better than others, and I just try to pick the best option and go with that and let the rest go whenever I am in a situation when I have to eat out.

• I tend to be a lot lazier than I think I’m going to be, i.e. if I plan on meals that require a lot of prep for three meals a day, seven days a week, it ain’t gonna happen. The more I can save myself extra labor, the more likely I am to stick to the plan (at least some days. Some nights I love nothing more than taking 2 hours to make homemade whole grain wheat tortillas because I can listen to an audiobook while I do it and get said alone time that I mentioned earlier).

• Paying too much attention to the scale. I LOVE days when I actually see progress, but I’m familiar with my body enough to know that I really, really don’t need to weigh myself more than once a week at most because I get super depressed when it goes up due to water weight/PMS/the various weird things that make my weight fluctuate. I think WW has this right with just weighing in once per week -- giving things time to “even out†if I’ve had a sodium-heavy meal or PMS helps keep me from getting discouraged unnecessarily

 

Also, husband and I actually talked about this some last night -- I think taking the time to write it down here helped me get my head wrapped around it. He admitted that a lot of the negative stuff he puts out is the result of his own depression about these issues talking, and he feels bad that I take it seriously -- I wish he would be up for getting some counseling himself and/or for us both because I think it really is a sign of how bad he feels himself… but I was open with him about how his attitudes and the way he expresses them make me feel, and he apologized for the part that’s played in how I feel about the situation. I’ve really been trying to work on letting go of what I can’t change (i.e. his thoughts and actions and feelings) and working on what I can (my responses to him and how much I let his junk affect me), and I told him that -- and if nothing else, at least I think that’ll help me, even if it doesn’t help him. He may be realizing after that conversation that I honestly can’t do this for him -- some of the things he said made me think he might be realizing that -- and I hope that’s the case. We shall see.

[Kes]

That's a really great write-up.  It looks like there are a lot of ways you're already working on utilizing the resources you have and mitigating the difficulties. You definitely put a lot of thought into it!

 

Have you looked at the ways that people do "character building" on here, adding attribute points for succeeding in challenges? Do you think a system like that will help?

[ArtificerFela]

I've started poking around and reading some of the threads on character building here -- I do indeed think that'll be good motivation for me! One thing I tried over the past year (and had more success with than some other things) was using a habit-building tracker/to-do list thing called HabitRPG, which this system reminds me of, with the addition of community I think I went a little overboard with it when I tried it and threw too much at myself to change and track at once (plus I was trying to use the old Android app they had, which was teh suck), but I just checked and it looks like they've done some work to it since I piddled around with it -- it's now called Habitica, and I might try using it as part of my plan, too, as I get said plan figured out

[Penguinmom]

Hi!  I'm also 31 and a SAHM (and new here).  I can relate with the c-section - I've had 3, the latter two being CBACs.

 

I've also struggled with meal planning for the whole household.  I feel like I'm on the cusp of having things simplified - PB&J for lunch for the kids is standard, my husband doesn't often eat lunch unless I make it for him, and mine varies.  I had an idea a while back about having a "Salads Around the World" meal plan for lunch, but I never got around to planning it out, especially when which fruits and vegetables are on sale varies from week to week.  Things like chunky guacamole, Israeli Salad with chickpeas and extra parsley (kind of like Tabbouleh), nicoise salad, standard canned tuna/salmon salad with mayo and whatever spices/nuts/veggies/fruit are in the house and seem tasty, Asian cabbage salad, Greek salad... and that's about as far as I got for cold salads.

 

I need to go back to household chores and attending to kids now - but welcome!

[ArtificerFela]

Welcome to you, too! (and I'm pretty much in love with your rainbow penguin avatar...)

I love your Salads Around the World -- I would eat them allllll! I've been on a soup kick lately, even though it's been freakishly warm where I'm at. At least I can fill 'em full of veggies

[Penguinmom]

Oo, soups... It's kind of cold here today, that sounds like a great idea.  Now I'm thinking of Soups Around the World and Stews Around the World...

 

I just did another search for Salads Around the World and clicked around a bit... I think this page will keep me busy for a while.