Nowhere to go but up (43 stairs)

[backtothedrawingboard]

So I have had a really rough year, I am hoping that some internet strangers can help me gain perspective and assist in my finding my way forward. This is a long story, cliff notes:

• marriage ended
• 2 moves
• fight with mom
• knee injury

So, if your still interested.... my year started great, I rung in 2016 on vacation and got on a Caribbean cruise January 2nd, this had been discussed as the honeymoon we never took when were married 4 years prior. We had a good time, other than the terrible cold I caught, it was a wonderful family reunion (first time all my siblings and I had been together in 10 years) and my husband and I were fine. 10 days after we returned the marriage was over. Not to say we didn't have problems, we certainly did, but I was not at the leaving point. I thought we could work on them, we bought a house a few years ago and didn't have much equity, I was one class from finishing my masters degree and overall life was good. Our bills were paid, we didn't fight (because we didn't communicate well), and my youngest daughter was 1/2 though her junior year and doing very well. I was comfortable, if not blissfully happy, with were everything stood. 

 

I left for work that day and one of my others daughters shared information with me that ended the marriage, my husband had acted inappropriately toward my 16 year old daughter. Nothing criminal (because she told me before it got that far), but I could not continue living there with him. I was blindsided, I had no indications he was possibly capable of anything like that. I honestly always thought that he was an awesome stepdad- better than he was a husband. I worked for a couple of hours to get some urgent things done, went home and woke up my daughter (snow day from school) and after talking, I knew it was over. I got the must haves out of my house that day before he even knew what happened and moved into my mom's house the next day.

 

It took two weeks to get all my stuff out of the house (we agreed he would keep it, my name is not on the mortgage and I can't handle it financially or in general because of the land and wood stove). I put all my stuff in my moms garage and my sisters and moved into a room that barely fit fit my twin bed. I had not lived with my mom since I was 16 and it didn't work out well. I managed to finish my last class, so I got my masters degree (know anyone looking for accountants??). Find all the documents and file for my divorce (should be final at the end of the month). But then the fact that I wanted to hang out at my sisters house and not with my mom got her very upset and she started avoiding me in the 950 sq foot trailer that we shared. So I had to move out of there.

 

Then I found a great apartment, in my budget, furnished (I left most furniture with him in the house), beautiful, good location, just a dream. I was able to move in sooner than expected and things seemed to be moving well again. Then 1 week after moving in I suffered a pretty serious knee injury (not sure how bad yet, MRI next week). Did I mention my beautiful new apartment is a third floor walk up? Yeah 43 stairs from street to door. 

 

I had grand plans of getting a second job as a server to help since I am adapting to one income, and starting to work out with my daughter, moved into a great walk-able neighborhood, but can barely make it out my door.

 

Career wise I have my degree, but am making nothing because I work for a school (great vacation, low pay) and none of my recent applications have panned out.

 

I'm just frustrated, and upset, I mean none of my feelings even matter regarding the marriage, I had no choice but to ensure the safety of my daughter. But my feelings are still there and I have 1 friend, my sister, and she is beyond awesome, but doesn't really have perspective wither since she is so close to the situation. I feel like I have made the right choices, but damn I am sick of hard conversations and decisions and really don't know how much more I can take. 

 

So I guess I'm looking for advise or encouragement, or something. I don't even know right now. Maybe I just wanted to tell someone else, I don't talk about it much in real life because I am trying to avoid the whole reason for leaving from being spread around our very small town. Things get twisted in the rumor mill and my daughter does not need to have to deal with people who don't know the real story having ideas about what happened.

[Raincloak]

Hmm, that's quite a mess you've got into.  You have my sympathy.

 

The first thing I'd do is contact a lawyer.  Immediately.  It's time to stop making decisions and agreements without an expert's advice.  Particularly, do not sign anything related to your divorce until you've spoken with a lawyer.  If necessary, consult one who doesn't live in your town, but find one, and preferably one who is recommended by a friend you trust.  (Your county or state has probably got a battered spouse's help line or two.  Contact them and see if they have suggestions.  Even though your spouse has not abused you, he may have threatened your daughter, which is as good a qualifier as any.)  This is especially crucial because you were financially dependent.  To protect yourself, you now need to secure as much wealth from the divorce as you can, and that will require an attorney.  The attorney will also help you talk with your husband and try to keep conversations sane and calm.  If necessary, the attorney can do the talking instead of you.  Yes, lawyers are expensive, but you stand to lose a lot more if you don't hire one.

 

You don't specify your husband's "inappropriate behavior" toward your daughter, but whatever it was, his conduct should be reported to the police and carefully documented.  If he has actually laid hands on the girl, charges should be filed.  Discuss this with the lawyer as well (you may need a second lawyer who specializes in criminal law; divorce law is not the same field).  As for small town rumors, you should worry less about those and worry more about doing what's right.  You have no control over public opinion, so you might as well quit feeling constrained by it.  You'll be fine whatever people say, and your daughter will be fine too.

 

Meanwhile, you have 15 months to go until your daughter graduates.  If there are no jobs available in your small town, now's a good time to start looking for jobs elsewhere and planning to move.  It was smart of you to get your degree, you now need to find a place to use it.  There is always work for accountants in large cities, and that might be where you need to go.  At least since you're leaving your furniture behind, you won't have much to pack...  this summer would be a fine time to move.  

 

Your daughter can complete her last year of high school somewhere else if needed.  I don't know your situation but that is what I'd do; get a job, move, take the girl.  (I happen to think kids should spend a year or two in a large, diverse school before they grow up, particularly if a small town is all they've ever known.  But that's just me.)  If she is fixated on her current school, maybe she can stay with your sister next year while you move to your new job.  Or her school might be willing to issue her diploma early, if she completes all her requirements.  If you are determined to keep the girl with you and to keep her in the school she's already in, you have little to worry about; just keep doing what you're doing (with the legal aid, please).  But save every dime you can, because if you lose your job at this point, you'll be in real trouble.  Your daughter should also consider getting a part-time job.

 

And go see a doctor about your knee.  Since you work for a school I'm assuming you at least have health benefits.  While you're there, ask the doc to refer you to a mental health counselor.  Your benefits probably cover a few sessions of therapy, and right now you probably need some.